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Switch to Forum Live View Seeking some advice
10 years ago  ::  Mar 03, 2008 - 7:46PM #1
Setitoff812
Posts: 2
I have recently lost both of my grandmothers within 4 months of eachother dying, August 07'- then December 07' and it has really taken a toll on my life. I didn't imagine how much it would affect me but I was just as surprised to be so depressed, to not want to do anything, to have no drive at all to do accomplish or finish simple tasks, and spending uncessary amounts of money on litterally nothing I needed. I am 23, I am feeling better about things but I still don't know how to actually cope 100%, and I fear if I don't learn soon, it will get worse and worse as I experience losing other loved ones. I feel like I can't do anything most of the time, because I am not happy with myself, my life, or the fact my parents are depressed either. I was directed to this site last year because I heard theres psychics, and people who pretty much are like me, I am very religious and into angels/spirit guides but it never dawned on me to join this site until today. I am not sure why but maybe the help I need can be found by someone here. Thanks for reading! I look foward to any replies.

I physically saw my Grandma Chris die and I think it really just.......was something I shouldn't have been there for.
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10 years ago  ::  Mar 03, 2008 - 7:46PM #2
Setitoff812
Posts: 2
I have recently lost both of my grandmothers within 4 months of eachother dying, August 07'- then December 07' and it has really taken a toll on my life. I didn't imagine how much it would affect me but I was just as surprised to be so depressed, to not want to do anything, to have no drive at all to do accomplish or finish simple tasks, and spending uncessary amounts of money on litterally nothing I needed. I am 23, I am feeling better about things but I still don't know how to actually cope 100%, and I fear if I don't learn soon, it will get worse and worse as I experience losing other loved ones. I feel like I can't do anything most of the time, because I am not happy with myself, my life, or the fact my parents are depressed either. I was directed to this site last year because I heard theres psychics, and people who pretty much are like me, I am very religious and into angels/spirit guides but it never dawned on me to join this site until today. I am not sure why but maybe the help I need can be found by someone here. Thanks for reading! I look foward to any replies.

I physically saw my Grandma Chris die and I think it really just.......was something I shouldn't have been there for.
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10 years ago  ::  Mar 03, 2008 - 11:21PM #3
NothingButLove
Posts: 715
Dear Setitoff,

While I can completely understand the fact that you will miss both these folks who were close to you, at age 23 are you not starting to be your own person, and making your own way in the world?

I was pretty upset to lose my father, but I was about 50, and I had been living my own life a long time. When my mother passed, the main feeling I had was that I no longer had anyone "older" than I here on this earth, only my sister. That was a strange feeling, and was perhaps the biggest issue.

As you say you are into angels and communications so I would expect that you do understand that they live on, just in another dimension?
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10 years ago  ::  Mar 04, 2008 - 9:47AM #4
remembrancebook
Posts: 14
Dragonfly

Once, in a little pond, in the muddy water under the lily pads, there lived a little water beetle in a community of water beetles. They lived a simple and comfortable life in the pond with few disturbances and interruptions. Once in a while, sadness would come to the community when one of their fellow beetles would climb the stem of a lily pad and would never be seen again. They knew when this happened; their friend was dead, gone forever.

Then, one day, one little water beetle felt an irresistible urge to climb up that stem. However, he was determined that he would not leave forever. He would come back and tell his friends what he had found at the top. When he reached the top and climbed out of the water onto the surface of the lily pad, he was so tired, and the sun felt so warm, that he decided he must take a nap. As he slept, his body changed and when he woke up, he had turned into a beautiful blue-tailed dragonfly with broad wings and a slender body designed for flying.

So, fly he did! And, as he soared he saw the beauty of a whole new world and a far superior way of life to what he had never known existed. Then he remembered his beetle friends and how they were thinking by now he was dead. He wanted to go back to tell them, and explain to them that he was now more alive than he had ever been before. His life had been fulfilled rather than ended. But, his new body would not go down into the water. He could not get back to tell his friends the good news. Then he understood that their time would come, when they, too, would know what he now knew. So, he raised his wings and flew off into his joyous new life!
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10 years ago  ::  Mar 04, 2008 - 11:18PM #5
Setitoff812
Posts: 2
That was a beautiful monolougue. Yes I do believe in angels and believe my Grandmas are in a better place, It's like I was hit really hard with all of this so close together and it stopped me in my path and it's hard for me to work up enough ambition to do school work, exercise, etc etc.
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10 years ago  ::  Mar 10, 2008 - 12:10AM #6
John_T_Mainer
Posts: 1,658
[QUOTE=Setitoff812;330477]I have recently lost both of my grandmothers within 4 months of eachother dying, August 07'- then December 07' and it has really taken a toll on my life. I didn't imagine how much it would affect me but I was just as surprised to be so depressed, to not want to do anything, to have no drive at all to do accomplish or finish simple tasks, and spending uncessary amounts of money on litterally nothing I needed. I am 23, I am feeling better about things but I still don't know how to actually cope 100%, and I fear if I don't learn soon, it will get worse and worse as I experience losing other loved ones. I feel like I can't do anything most of the time, because I am not happy with myself, my life, or the fact my parents are depressed either. I was directed to this site last year because I heard theres psychics, and people who pretty much are like me, I am very religious and into angels/spirit guides but it never dawned on me to join this site until today. I am not sure why but maybe the help I need can be found by someone here. Thanks for reading! I look foward to any replies.

I physically saw my Grandma Chris die and I think it really just.......was something I shouldn't have been there for.[/QUOTE]

Just finished burying my own grandparents after as slow and ugly a death as you could ask.  Honestly, the reason that the funeral exists is not for the dead, for they are with the gods now, but for the living, for it is they who must carry on.

My other grandfather was a soldier, as was my father, and I in turn.  As such we all had way to much experience at burying loved ones, and moving on.  Before he died, he shared these words with me.  Loss is like a wound.  Grief is the blood, and the pain is just as real from loss as from any bullet or blade.  If you let the wound bleed out, the blood will cleanse the wound and make possible true healing.  Let the grief flow, as the blood from a wound, and carry with it the baggage you cannot carry.  Let the tears and the rage, and the anger that one who meant so much to you left you flow out, because those feelings may be shameful, but they are real.  If you bind these feelings inside you, then like blood in a wound, they will corrupt, and the infection will poison you, and threaten to claim your life and sanity.  Beyond the pain is joy.  Beyond the pain off loss is the memory of life.  If you do not let the blood and filth out, you will never reach beneath them to touch the strengthening love of the memories of life that remain.

Will you let the pain of loss cause you to lose the memory of the loved one?  Then they will be lost for real.  Accept the pain, mourn, grieve, weep, and rage.  The fallen are not gone.  Every moment they shared with you lives in you still.  The spirits of the dead are with you still, and beyond the pain they wait to strengthen you still.

It may be a kids movie, but the "Mr Magorium's Wonder Emporium" movie is about the best treatment of acceptance of death that I have seen in modern times.  Perhaps you should watch it, and then sit down and write about how you feel about your own losses.  Don't try to be logical, just write down whatever you think of, and then sleep on it.  The next day have a look at what you wrote down, and see if there are any surprises.
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10 years ago  ::  Mar 10, 2008 - 12:57AM #7
Devona
Posts: 230
Loss is like a wound. Grief is the blood, and the pain is just as real from loss as from any bullet or blade. If you let the wound bleed out, the blood will cleanse the wound and make possible true healing. Let the grief flow, as the blood from a wound, and carry with it the baggage you cannot carry. Let the tears and the rage, and the anger that one who meant so much to you left you flow out, because those feelings may be shameful, but they are real. If you bind these feelings inside you, then like blood in a wound, they will corrupt, and the infection will poison you, and threaten to claim your life and sanity. Beyond the pain is joy. Beyond the pain off loss is the memory of life. If you do not let the blood and filth out, you will never reach beneath them to touch the strengthening love of the memories of life that remain.

Thanks for sharing.  These are truly words of wisdom.

Blessings,
Devona
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10 years ago  ::  Mar 10, 2008 - 12:10AM #8
John_T_Mainer
Posts: 1,658
[QUOTE=Setitoff812;330477]I have recently lost both of my grandmothers within 4 months of eachother dying, August 07'- then December 07' and it has really taken a toll on my life. I didn't imagine how much it would affect me but I was just as surprised to be so depressed, to not want to do anything, to have no drive at all to do accomplish or finish simple tasks, and spending uncessary amounts of money on litterally nothing I needed. I am 23, I am feeling better about things but I still don't know how to actually cope 100%, and I fear if I don't learn soon, it will get worse and worse as I experience losing other loved ones. I feel like I can't do anything most of the time, because I am not happy with myself, my life, or the fact my parents are depressed either. I was directed to this site last year because I heard theres psychics, and people who pretty much are like me, I am very religious and into angels/spirit guides but it never dawned on me to join this site until today. I am not sure why but maybe the help I need can be found by someone here. Thanks for reading! I look foward to any replies.

I physically saw my Grandma Chris die and I think it really just.......was something I shouldn't have been there for.[/QUOTE]

Just finished burying my own grandparents after as slow and ugly a death as you could ask.  Honestly, the reason that the funeral exists is not for the dead, for they are with the gods now, but for the living, for it is they who must carry on.

My other grandfather was a soldier, as was my father, and I in turn.  As such we all had way to much experience at burying loved ones, and moving on.  Before he died, he shared these words with me.  Loss is like a wound.  Grief is the blood, and the pain is just as real from loss as from any bullet or blade.  If you let the wound bleed out, the blood will cleanse the wound and make possible true healing.  Let the grief flow, as the blood from a wound, and carry with it the baggage you cannot carry.  Let the tears and the rage, and the anger that one who meant so much to you left you flow out, because those feelings may be shameful, but they are real.  If you bind these feelings inside you, then like blood in a wound, they will corrupt, and the infection will poison you, and threaten to claim your life and sanity.  Beyond the pain is joy.  Beyond the pain off loss is the memory of life.  If you do not let the blood and filth out, you will never reach beneath them to touch the strengthening love of the memories of life that remain.

Will you let the pain of loss cause you to lose the memory of the loved one?  Then they will be lost for real.  Accept the pain, mourn, grieve, weep, and rage.  The fallen are not gone.  Every moment they shared with you lives in you still.  The spirits of the dead are with you still, and beyond the pain they wait to strengthen you still.

It may be a kids movie, but the "Mr Magorium's Wonder Emporium" movie is about the best treatment of acceptance of death that I have seen in modern times.  Perhaps you should watch it, and then sit down and write about how you feel about your own losses.  Don't try to be logical, just write down whatever you think of, and then sleep on it.  The next day have a look at what you wrote down, and see if there are any surprises.
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10 years ago  ::  Mar 10, 2008 - 12:57AM #9
Devona
Posts: 230
Loss is like a wound. Grief is the blood, and the pain is just as real from loss as from any bullet or blade. If you let the wound bleed out, the blood will cleanse the wound and make possible true healing. Let the grief flow, as the blood from a wound, and carry with it the baggage you cannot carry. Let the tears and the rage, and the anger that one who meant so much to you left you flow out, because those feelings may be shameful, but they are real. If you bind these feelings inside you, then like blood in a wound, they will corrupt, and the infection will poison you, and threaten to claim your life and sanity. Beyond the pain is joy. Beyond the pain off loss is the memory of life. If you do not let the blood and filth out, you will never reach beneath them to touch the strengthening love of the memories of life that remain.

Thanks for sharing.  These are truly words of wisdom.

Blessings,
Devona
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10 years ago  ::  Mar 11, 2008 - 11:42AM #10
chelleck
Posts: 7
Setitoff812

I truly understand what you are going through. I was in college when I lost one family, four semesters in a row. My great-grandmother went first. This was devastating; she was the matriarch of the family. Then my grandfather past, he was very ill for years and it was kind of expected. Then my cousin past away unexpectedly, people try to get me to blow him off as only a second cousin, but were not aware that my mother is an only child, so technically he was both my first and second and also my favorite. After my grandfather past my grandmother relocated to the place my immediately family has been for 30 year prior. I vowed to spend as much time with her as possible, trying to make up for the 30 years I didn’t have her and not knowing how much time she had left.

When she became ill, about five months after she moved here, I was the one who ended up caring for her. My schedule was very full at the time. I was not only going to school, but I also had three part time jobs and home schooled my son. Needless to say, something had to give. I let go two of my jobs, school and we took a break from home schooling. Me and my grandmother became the best of friends. I had not had time to adjust to the previous deaths and this one took a toll on me. I affected me mentally, physically and spiritually. I have not been the same since, although I am much better now.

It took me two years (which is the time ‘the experts’ say is normal to mourn after the loss of a loved one) to keep from breaking into tears in the middle of driving and needing to pull off the road to get myself back together enough to see the traffic and the road. This also caused me to cancel job interviews when I would have a breakdown on the way there.

I lived in a foggy cloud and did only what was absolutely necessary, but only half did that. I too went on spending sprees, which also depressed me because I would walk passed things and say (one of the family members) would like that. If so and so was here I would get that for them. What I did buy I did not need, or necessarily want. I usually ended up giving it away.

I am sorry to say that no one can tell you how to cope, because coping is like fingerprints; everyone has their own way of doing it. For me it was to wear a piece of their clothing; it made me feel closer to them in some strange way. When I somehow figured out a way to accept their death I no longer wore the clothing. My mom went to some classes. She learned that when a day that is significant to the person you lost is nearing, you will get a depressed feeling again; such as their birthday, holidays, and the day they died. I had never heard of this but I found myself doing it.

As for you thinking that you should not have witnessed your Grandma Chris’ passing. EVERYTHING happens for a reason. You may not have felt you were ready for that experience but for some reason you were supposed to be there. There is something that you are supposed to learn through it.

When things that I do not feel ready for happens to me I have to analysis it and I come to understand the lesson in it. It does not always make it any easier at the time. But it helps a lot as time passes and I learn accept the reason.

I really wanted to be there when my grandmother past away at our home, but it must have not been for me to be there. God must have known that I would not be able to handle it. Her breathing had become labored so I went to my room to get a pillow to prop her up with. I was on my way back with the pillow, when I heard screaming “She’s not breathing.”  I have never gotten from one place to another so fast; it was like I just warped to her door. The other people there surrounding her were asking who knew CPR as I squeezed my way to the bed. I bent my body over hers and stretched out my hands and said “NO”. They were not happy with me and asked why. I told them that she did not want to be revived.

I later wrote a poem that reminds me of that time. If you want to read it I will send it to you. I know that is a very long post. But one more thing:

Mentally I learned that trivial things do not matter, (life it truly too short).

Physically I have slowed down enough to enjoy simply things along my paths.

Spiritually, I have become closer to God.

I hope this helps you in even the smallest of ways.
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