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Switch to Forum Live View Overwhelmed With The Loss Of My Mother
10 years ago  ::  Oct 29, 2008 - 12:14AM #11
Posts: 1
Hello, my name is Amanda and I recently lost my mother too.  Your story sounds familiar.  I have had many of your same issues.  I have gone to a support group (reluctantly) and found it very helpful.  I have learned that each of us must take our own time in dealing with our loss.  Each of us is different.  No one grieves the same.  Follow your intuition.  Trust your gut when it comes to grief. The idea to call those that knew your mother was a good idea.  I am sure many of them appreciated that you thought of them.  When it comes to boxes of items that belonged to your mother, like me, I just boxed things up and plan on going through them on my own time table, no one else's.  My house is crowded with things that are not mine.  Things that I cannot part with.  My mother and I had a conversation before she died.  My mother was a realist and lived very simply.  We both agreed that 'stuff' was just that.  Our world is made up of too much 'stuff'.
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10 years ago  ::  Oct 31, 2008 - 11:20AM #12
Posts: 9
I'm so sorry for everyone here who has lost their Mom - I wish you all comfort and love.  I too lost my mother recently (end of September). It was very sudden and I'm quite numb still about it. We were very close and I spoke to her everyday but I know I'm not 'dealing' with it as I haven't been feeling the pain of her loss. I realise it will take time.

I moved straightaway back into her home to look after my Dad who is in the early stages of Alzheimers. I know it'll be tough but it's a promise I made to both he and my mom. I swore I would never see them put in a home and I would move in if I was needed. So that time has come. I'm happy to fulfill my promise (although I wish Mom was there) but here's my problem:

My older brother had been trying to get a transfer in work from where he lives to the town we live since before Mom passed. He has his own cottage that my Dad gave him but it needs a lot of work so he thought it would be better to be closer to it. He had spoken in the past about putting a mobile home on the property while he does the cottage up.  Mom and Dad had said he could move in with them for a while until he got the mobile home so obvously even though Mom has passed, this still stands and he is moving back tonight. Even though this is good for him as he also went through a break-up just before Mom died, I'm really dreading it. He has been up every weekend since Mom passed and he has no concern for mine and dads feelings. He drinks at night which would be fine only he drinks very fast and to excess and gets drunk and speaks a whole lot of crap to us. (Incidentally, he was aware of my promise to my parents and when I mentioned moving back in that same night Mom died, my dad agreed and my brother thought it was a great idea and even mentioned how mom always said she'd love me to move back in).

The night before my Mom's funeral he upset me as he was drunk and was telling me mom was trying to send me a message through him or something and I wasn't listening to it and he  gets really creepy and really patronising about things like that and speaks as though he is a medium or something (he isn't). I've endured his nonsense before so know he's full of crap plus I think if Mom had a message for me she'd come to me and not through my brother in such an upsetting way. I know from my sister that he tried to contact her practically as soon as she died and keeps calling on her to do things for him which I think  is so selfish. My mother deserves to rest in peace and to pass over gently and be with her angels and loved ones in Heaven. Then if she or God wishes for her to come to us with messages or to help us, then that's wonderful but she should be entitled to her peaceful cross-over. I do believe mom is with us though even though I'm still numb from her death. The last thing I should have been hearing was such crap like that from my own brother the night before we buried our mom especially when I was struggling to come to terms with it and still haven't.  My brother also talks crap about a lot of things and won't listen to anyone's opinion as he's always right according to him.

His drinking is very annoying as it causes my dad stress too (and upset my mom). Sometimes when he's drinking he does it in the kitchen on his own and sits staring into space (this isn't a new development since my mom died either). My dad doesn't need to be worrying about him and nor do I. I tried to talk to him last week about his drinking (he doesn't drink all the time, just in the evenings when he's in our home) and told him he should drink in moderation and not be upsetting me and dad. His way of addressing this was to basically fob me off and just  sit in the kitchen drinking. He acts as if this is a new thing he's doing because he's in pain but I know from Dad (and from mom before) that he's done that before.

I'm also worried he'll try to take over when he moves in. I got a dog 2 weeks ago as I thought it was a good idea for dad but my brother thinks he's making the rules for this dog. And my brother-in-law overheard him saying to a family friend last week (with drink in him) that when he moves back in he'll be looking after things with Dad. He has shouted at my dad thinking he's doing right by him but when we try to speak to him about how uncomfortable he makes us, he says we're wrong! It's really stressing me out and he isn't even living here yet!!

He's not too bad when he's sober and I can get along well with him and enjoy his company even though he's different from the rest of us but that's OK when he's not being selfish with it. He acts all patronising if I or anyone else doesn't agree with him and has a different opinion. But it's Ok for him to disagree with others as he knows so much (as he thinks) and even when he is eventually proven wrong it doesn't seem to sink in with him or he conveniently doesn't know what I'm talking about. It's just so frustrating and it's frustrating enough having to deal with dad but he's my father and I made that choice and am happy to look after him but I don't want to be dreading coming home from work everyday or ending up living in my bedroom. I gave up the comfort of living on my own in a wee apartment to move in to look after my dad, the last thing I need while I and my Dad are adjusting to this arrangement and trying to come to terms with Moms death, is to deal with a selfish 43 year old brother who thinks he's right and everyone else is wrong and doesn't want to take our feelings into consideration.

My two older sisters who live locally are very supportive though thank God and I know I'll have them as back up but I'd hate for there to be any fall-outs or bad will cuz my Mom would have hated that but she also wouldn't want my brother treating me or my dad like this. I just don't know how to make him see sense. I've been praying and asking God and my angels to help him and me and my dad. I hope they can help.

Thanks for letting me vent!
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