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Switch to Forum Live View Feels like half of me is gone
10 years ago  ::  Aug 06, 2008 - 2:52AM #1
ubiefour
Posts: 4
My wife best friend and life partner is gone I feel very empty sad and  lost it hurts lots. I hope our  boys are going to be allright. My mom is still here, I cant imagine what I would have felt if she had died when I was a teenager . I dont understand why this had to be part of our lives.This is the worst thing in life so far.
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10 years ago  ::  Aug 07, 2008 - 12:02AM #2
karbie
Posts: 3,329
[QUOTE=ubiefour;672352]My wife best friend and life partner is gone I feel very empty sad and  lost it hurts lots. I hope our  boys are going to be allright. My mom is still here, I cant imagine what I would have felt if she had died when I was a teenager . I dont understand why this had to be part of our lives.This is the worst thing in life so far.[/QUOTE]

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I had just turned 19 when my father died; he was only 47. I still remember how raw I felt, especially since I was still lucky enough to have all my grandparents then--but it meant that I had never really dealt with losing someone before. I lost my last grandparent in June, but she was over 100 and begging God to take her--not the same thing at all.

  One of my friends lost a neighbor who had young children and she acted like a surrogate for them, even with their grandmother there. She was the one who convinced their father not to let his mother totally redecorate the house and put away all of her things at a time when the boys needed to still have the house the way it had always been. (I'm not trying to tell you what to do--but ask your kids before you make major changes, please.) Eventually I helped convince my own mother to paint and make it into her house, not theirs; it really gave her a boost. But Daddy had been gone several years by then.
  The hardest part of losing someone you love is wanting a recount or an explanation of why you all have to deal with so much pain. If she has any family near by, keep in touch with them for the sake of the children; I think it would help them to be with people who can tell them stories about their mother when she was their age...or any link at all.  I know sometimes I wonder why my father never got to see any of his grandchildren...why my grandparents had to lose their only surviving son. Mother still kept in touch, still took us out of state to keep in touch with them, and I remember how grateful they were that they still had that connection. It's something to think about, anyway.
  I'll pray for you and your family. One last piece of advice: while we have to deal with the physical aspects of someone we love being gone, there are NO rules on how long you need to grieve. It will stop being as searing every minute--which it sounds like right now.
   This kind of loss and stress can trigger clinical depression--the chemical imbalance of the brain. I've seen CAT scans of "normal" people and one of someone with depression, and the difference was startling. Taking medication can be more a sign of strength than trying to pull yourself out of it. It would be like a diabetic deciding that they don't need to take insulin to get better. I'm sure you are trying to be strong for your kids--but it is okay to grieve together instead of everyone going to different rooms.
  I always wondered if one of the reasons Grandma lived so long is because I knew she would have a long list of WHY? questions herself and I sure wouldn't have wanted to be the being assigned to answering them for her. I used to be afraid of dying, made much more intense after my father died. When my Grandpa died 150 miles away from me, I got hit with this incredible wave of love all around me that was absolutely Grandpa. I didn't get the call about it for at least another 10-15 minutes. His final gift to me was letting me know that both love and personality survive death. I haven't been afraid of it since then. Hope that will help you even a little bit--it made a profound difference to me. Good luck, and may God bless your family and grant you all extra strength.
"You are letting your opinion be colored by facts again."
'When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you."
these are both from my father.
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10 years ago  ::  Aug 12, 2008 - 4:01PM #3
MarleneEmmett5
Posts: 1,799
[QUOTE=ubiefour;672352]My wife best friend and life partner is gone I feel very empty sad and  lost it hurts lots. I hope our  boys are going to be allright. My mom is still here, I cant imagine what I would have felt if she had died when I was a teenager . I dont understand why this had to be part of our lives.This is the worst thing in life so far.[/QUOTE]
UbieFour:
I'm very sorry for your wife's loss~My dad lost his wife in 1974~and I lost my mother at the age of 19!
My dad never spoke even one word after she passed to me~no, he blamed me for her getting ill and
for her having a stroke~it had nothing to do with me.She had a tumor,her doctor's told him that she had been
ill for some time~they asked us if we had noticed anything wrong with her? We said no~ Then we found out she'd
been "keeping it a secret that she hadn't been feeling well,she'd sworn her sister's to secret not to tell us"!
Your very lucky to have your mother~ my mom whould've turned 93 this past June!
Yes,I agree with you losing ones spouse,mother,father,sister,brother is bad~but the worst is losing a child.
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10 years ago  ::  Aug 19, 2008 - 1:48AM #4
Gryphon411
Posts: 14
Hi UbiFour, I am so sorry for your loss...I lost my husband almost two years ago, leaving me with two small kids. Every day is a hard march, but so far I keep moving. Some days seem almost OK, others, even almost two years out, are so very hard, so lonely, so taxing. My kids and I found a support group and met a lot of other families in similar situations. It helped them to know that they weren't the only ones who had lost a parent. I wish you and your boys lots of time for conversations and remembering, loads of support, patience, love. I've read a ton of books about grieving, widows. There is no right or wrong way to feel, you just get through this the best way you can. I so understand what you mean about how surreal being in our situation is: why our family was torn apart, why I must go on. But...onward I go. For my kids and for my dear husband and for me. Peace to you and your boys. There will be joy again in your lives, never doubt that...Ellen
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10 years ago  ::  Oct 04, 2008 - 11:06AM #5
sjmcg
Posts: 2
It looks like you posted this message on the day my husband died Aug. 6th /08. We had been married 29 years. Find I look at older couples and wonder why this had to happen to us.Why couldn't we have seen 30, 40 ,50 ,60, years together. Life sucks and isn't fair. My kids are grown and are out on their own. So I'm alone alot of the time. I hate being alone. Soon I will go back to work. Not looking forward to it exactly. My heart goes out to you and your children. If they are and it sounds like they are still at home be thankfull. I found my kids each (as we all do ) are greiving in different ways. You probably are noticing that as well.  I read something sent to me yesterday  .Maybe you have read it before it stated "fake it until you make it." I like that  since I feel like I'm going through the motions of daily living. Wondering what the purpose is to live. I have started back to church .  My husband went there .I find I like being around people who knew and loved him.
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