My son was killed on May 10, 2007, and I feel as if I'm losing my mind. I miss him so much and hurts soooo bad. I constantly think about him and all that he won't get to do, everything reminds me of him and as stupid as this sounds I want my baby back. I am so confused with God, I'm even angry at God and probably more than half of this world and the people in it. I use to be a very active church member, but since my son was killed I wonder if there is a God and if so why did he not save my son, but he continues to let these other no-good, robbers, stealers and killers live. My Chauncey was the greatest, he was the best kid any Mom could have. I also have an eight year old daughter who misses her brother so much that it hurts my heart even more. She adored her brother and would get so excited when it was time for him to come home from college for the summers. I am a mess I've recently returned to work, which is great but I am struggling when it comes to worshipping God and even praying. I don't even know what to pray for now. Chauncey birthday is November 9, which will be here soon, I am so afraid. What am I to do for Christmas? Chauncey would always come home for christmas. I am tired of being so sad, and I wonder if I will ever be happy again.
I am not yet a mother but to be one has been a life-long dream of mine. Death, in any form is very difficult to accept but all the more painfult it gets when a parent needs to bury a child. I symphatoze with you and I know that your heart is breaking every time you remember.
I pray for you and your child as well as your family. Your son is in a better place right now and I know that he is watching over you, smiling and he will be more happy if you can also smile to the life ahead ahead of you.
I knew that you had places in your heart you've always wanted to fill with a sibling, and I'm so happy things went well!! A chance to finally find out who you look like and no longer being alone is the best that I could wish for an adoptee. It's just that much greater after all the grief and pain you've suffered with all this time.
I'm so glad that you found each other!I'm happy for all of you and that you can give some of the love you've had locked inside on nieces and nephews who are the same age as your son would have been. You deserve to be happy and part of a family of your own blood and heritage.
Actually, I think that they are the lucky ones to have found you to share their love and lives with!
I'm so happy you've been blessed this way.
Love,
Karbie
"You are letting your opinion be colored by facts again." 'When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you." these are both from my father.
I've always loved children, and I've always wanted several. It certainly never occured to me that I'd have a miscarriage or be faced with a very real possibility of never having any. I had joined a health spa my husband belonged to, ironically enough the idea was to get in good condition to have a baby. It was sthe day after Mother's birthday--my Grandma in Illinois was supposed to have come visiting that week, but changed her mind. so my husband was pretty emphatic about my going to work out that day. And I'll never stop wishing that I hadn't.
someone used baby oil in the fiberglass shower stall, which had no strips to keep you from falling. I was apparently about a week pregnant when I landed on the concrete ledge and the floor. All the help they gave me was to tell me to sit in the whirlpool and I'd be fine. good thing I hadn't gone alone.
So I had hip, back, pelvic x-rays, along with prescription pain-killers and anti-inflamatories. I didn't know or suspect anything because I'd ben spotting after that and even had a light period. When my breasts were tender and the smell from things like the grease traps at work became horrendous, I did a home test. the doctor confirmed it and told me that I was pregnant and had absolutely no chance of carrying this pregnancy to term the same visit. I'd already been passing tissue. He was also concerned about the effects of some of those drugs being taken that early. He said "I wish that I could tell you that if you went on complete bed rest from now on it would make a difference, but it won't. The longer this pregnancy continues, the more internal damage you risk and the less chance you have of ever getting pregnant again, much less carrying to term.'
I knew what he meant--my maternal Grandma had an emergency hysterectomy when she miscarried and was bleeding out faster than they could transfuse her. They gave her 8 units of blood. As I said "damage" was pretty clear to me. He gave me a referral to an abortion clinic and told me the sooner, the better for my chances later on. At that time the legal limit in Indiana was 8 weeks. Very few people knew what was going on--my friend, my husband, my sister, and the night before, Mother. I'd told my sister-in-law because they made everyone come to their house on Christmas Day and I couldn't promise a date.
If you want to call it an answer to a prayer, I miscarried 2 days before the abortion was scheduled. I'd continued passing tissue a bit at a time all along. that night it was -27 degrees out, and I didn't even try to wake my husband. If the bleeding hadn't stopped, then we'd go to the ER, but we didn't have much in the way of insurance. I had the D& C done at the clinic because we could afford it there. More people I worked with knew about it than in our families...obviously when I came back whoever took the call told everyone there. Not what I wanted, since it was the last thing I wanted to handle. Everyone was telling me how unfair it was, I was so good with children, etc. I didn't want to discuss it. the most ghoulish question was whether it had been a boy or girl...why would they think I could have handled knowing that. It was blobs. Blobs and clumps. I haven't been out of physical pain since the day I fell over 25 years ago.
The day after the miscarriage, I got the first settlement offer from the spa, which didn't even cover the wages I lost when I had to take an extra week off. It was for $102, with the memo line "payment in full". Payment in full? I literally would have seen them in Hell first--after all, I was there, so they could join me. I was going through a bottle of extra-strength tylenol a week to be keep the pain at bay and go on working. I just kept everything bottled up because I couldn't deal with it. In the meantime, the constant "When are you going to have a baby? You are so selfish, not letting my husband's father have a grandchild!" the grandchild campaign started at precisely 9 months from our wedding. By the time our son was born, we'd been married for 10 years. It may have looked hurry-up, but that was because he didn't want to wait until Spring to get married and we got married in October. My dress came in 2 days before the wedding, in fact. 33 years ago.
When I had to stop pushing everything away, I fell apart. It was such a relief when I saw the psychiatrist for the first time, because I could finally let go and cry without holding back to not hurt someone else. I mostly cried through the first 2 sessions, but when I mentioned how much a relief not needing to worry about it bothering someone to see me cry, he told me that wasn't exactly true.
I had to quit work, although I did take accounting classes in between outpatient PT. That's where I had to pass the anti-abortion protesters several times a week. There was no reason to wave those signs at me--who could need 4 a week, for pity's sake? Even the women on Maury aren't that bad!
by the time things finally were getting ready to go to trial, I was 8 months pregnant and didn't need the stress, so we setled out of court. It wasn't huge--but it was a lot better than the first offer. I had to wear a maternity back brace with steel going up my spine the whole time, and the last few weeks I could only lie on one side with my feet elevated.
I've been surprised when people tell me how sad it is that I didn't have any more children. God granted me the deepest wish of my soul and all I've ever felt was gratitude for it.
I'm also grateful that even though I had scheduled the abortion, I had that cup taken away when I miscarried first. It's why I don't feel I have the right to tell another woman that she can't have one--because a late term miscarriage could have killed me or forced a miscarriage on me. I also know how much easier it would have been on Mother if she had miscarried instead of losing my brother when he was just 5 days old. Delivering him almost killed her--literally. she'd had a spinal fusion between my brother and me. He was the largest of the 3 of us, and due to his position she got a quick course in natural childbirth--no painkillers at all. My father took my sister and I aside and told us that there would be no more prayers for baby brothers or sisters. He told us that he'd almost lost Mother and would not be risking her again.
Years later when she started into early menopause in her mid 30's--another reason my biological clock had an amplifier in it--my sister and father were happy that she might be pregnant. I was the one going "But what about Mother? what about what this could do to Mother?" To this day she still tells me how much that meant to her--that someone was more concerned about what might happen to her.
We are blessed that more children live to adult hood, although for the last few generations on both sides of my family it seems you still lose one. Mother lost my brother. My sister and I both had miscarriages. My father's younger brother died at age 6. Mother's little sister died at 5 and then Grandma miscarried and had the ememrgency hysterectomy the same year.
All we can do is try to be a caring person to the people children, and pets in our lives, giving them the love that we had hoped would have gone someplace else.
Karbarbie: have some good news to tell you about what's been going on with me. Remember I told you that I was going to meet my baby sister who's 8 years younger than me~ well we've met and everything went wonderfully.
I've always loved children, and I've always wanted several. It certainly never occured to me that I'd have a miscarriage or be faced with a very real possibility of never having any. I had joined a health spa my husband belonged to, ironically enough the idea was to get in good condition to have a baby. It was sthe day after Mother's birthday--my Grandma in Illinois was supposed to have come visiting that week, but changed her mind. so my husband was pretty emphatic about my going to work out that day. And I'll never stop wishing that I hadn't.
someone used baby oil in the fiberglass shower stall, which had no strips to keep you from falling. I was apparently about a week pregnant when I landed on the concrete ledge and the floor. All the help they gave me was to tell me to sit in the whirlpool and I'd be fine. good thing I hadn't gone alone.
So I had hip, back, pelvic x-rays, along with prescription pain-killers and anti-inflamatories. I didn't know or suspect anything because I'd ben spotting after that and even had a light period. When my breasts were tender and the smell from things like the grease traps at work became horrendous, I did a home test. the doctor confirmed it and told me that I was pregnant and had absolutely no chance of carrying this pregnancy to term the same visit. I'd already been passing tissue. He was also concerned about the effects of some of those drugs being taken that early. He said "I wish that I could tell you that if you went on complete bed rest from now on it would make a difference, but it won't. The longer this pregnancy continues, the more internal damage you risk and the less chance you have of ever getting pregnant again, much less carrying to term.'
I knew what he meant--my maternal Grandma had an emergency hysterectomy when she miscarried and was bleeding out faster than they could transfuse her. They gave her 8 units of blood. As I said "damage" was pretty clear to me. He gave me a referral to an abortion clinic and told me the sooner, the better for my chances later on. At that time the legal limit in Indiana was 8 weeks. Very few people knew what was going on--my friend, my husband, my sister, and the night before, Mother. I'd told my sister-in-law because they made everyone come to their house on Christmas Day and I couldn't promise a date.
If you want to call it an answer to a prayer, I miscarried 2 days before the abortion was scheduled. I'd continued passing tissue a bit at a time all along. that night it was -27 degrees out, and I didn't even try to wake my husband. If the bleeding hadn't stopped, then we'd go to the ER, but we didn't have much in the way of insurance. I had the D& C done at the clinic because we could afford it there. More people I worked with knew about it than in our families...obviously when I came back whoever took the call told everyone there. Not what I wanted, since it was the last thing I wanted to handle. Everyone was telling me how unfair it was, I was so good with children, etc. I didn't want to discuss it. the most ghoulish question was whether it had been a boy or girl...why would they think I could have handled knowing that. It was blobs. Blobs and clumps. I haven't been out of physical pain since the day I fell over 25 years ago.
The day after the miscarriage, I got the first settlement offer from the spa, which didn't even cover the wages I lost when I had to take an extra week off. It was for $102, with the memo line "payment in full". Payment in full? I literally would have seen them in Hell first--after all, I was there, so they could join me. I was going through a bottle of extra-strength tylenol a week to be keep the pain at bay and go on working. I just kept everything bottled up because I couldn't deal with it. In the meantime, the constant "When are you going to have a baby? You are so selfish, not letting my husband's father have a grandchild!" the grandchild campaign started at precisely 9 months from our wedding. By the time our son was born, we'd been married for 10 years. It may have looked hurry-up, but that was because he didn't want to wait until Spring to get married and we got married in October. My dress came in 2 days before the wedding, in fact. 33 years ago.
When I had to stop pushing everything away, I fell apart. It was such a relief when I saw the psychiatrist for the first time, because I could finally let go and cry without holding back to not hurt someone else. I mostly cried through the first 2 sessions, but when I mentioned how much a relief not needing to worry about it bothering someone to see me cry, he told me that wasn't exactly true.
I had to quit work, although I did take accounting classes in between outpatient PT. That's where I had to pass the anti-abortion protesters several times a week. There was no reason to wave those signs at me--who could need 4 a week, for pity's sake? Even the women on Maury aren't that bad!
by the time things finally were getting ready to go to trial, I was 8 months pregnant and didn't need the stress, so we setled out of court. It wasn't huge--but it was a lot better than the first offer. I had to wear a maternity back brace with steel going up my spine the whole time, and the last few weeks I could only lie on one side with my feet elevated.
I've been surprised when people tell me how sad it is that I didn't have any more children. God granted me the deepest wish of my soul and all I've ever felt was gratitude for it.
I'm also grateful that even though I had scheduled the abortion, I had that cup taken away when I miscarried first. It's why I don't feel I have the right to tell another woman that she can't have one--because a late term miscarriage could have killed me or forced a miscarriage on me. I also know how much easier it would have been on Mother if she had miscarried instead of losing my brother when he was just 5 days old. Delivering him almost killed her--literally. she'd had a spinal fusion between my brother and me. He was the largest of the 3 of us, and due to his position she got a quick course in natural childbirth--no painkillers at all. My father took my sister and I aside and told us that there would be no more prayers for baby brothers or sisters. He told us that he'd almost lost Mother and would not be risking her again.
Years later when she started into early menopause in her mid 30's--another reason my biological clock had an amplifier in it--my sister and father were happy that she might be pregnant. I was the one going "But what about Mother? what about what this could do to Mother?" To this day she still tells me how much that meant to her--that someone was more concerned about what might happen to her.
We are blessed that more children live to adult hood, although for the last few generations on both sides of my family it seems you still lose one. Mother lost my brother. My sister and I both had miscarriages. My father's younger brother died at age 6. Mother's little sister died at 5 and then Grandma miscarried and had the ememrgency hysterectomy the same year.
All we can do is try to be a caring person to the people children, and pets in our lives, giving them the love that we had hoped would have gone someplace else.
"You are letting your opinion be colored by facts again." 'When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you." these are both from my father.
My ex-wife and I lost our only child when the ex was 4 months pregnant, at home, via mid-wife. I had to find a box, we wrapped her (Emily Rose) in her Baby Blanket and the longest owned thing since my childhood-My baptismal rosary. I had to dig the hole myself because we were left with the empty shell that would be our baby girl, and her only marker was a rose tree planted. We have all been haunted by it since though there was nothing we could do. I've not even accidentally bumped into the ex-wife since, about 15 years ago.
I've not shared this with hardly anybody, but now you know.
Infinite Blessings Mike/NAFOD "Lord, please, protect me from Your followers!" "WWBD? Buddha- Does it matter? If you are enlightened it does not. If you are not enlightened it still doesn't matter." "If you go looking to place blame, eventually you'll wind up blaming the Gods"
I do not have children and probably cannot even imagine the pain that parents experience when they loose a child. Loss of a loved one is unbearable, but the loss of a child is incomprehensible no matter what convictions one might have. One is never prepared for the pain that comes with it.
I believe that it is important to cherish each and every moment of our lives and that it is important to remember that every person that enters our universe is special, even if his or her "sejourn" is very short. Some are meant to stay, while others depart prematuraly. They might be physically gone, but they will remain with us for as long as we wish them to stay.
Keeping memories alive and having the strength to move on are two tasks that need to be balanced skillfully. To move on does not mean that we forgot, but to dwell in the past does disfavor to everyone alive and to the mourners themselves.
Sending love and strenght to those in pain - Dominique
Our nutrition affects not only our physical bodies but also our minds and emotions. After choosing raw lifestyle I observed increased clarity of the mind and phenomenal lightness of being.
I am offering this information because I know it to be helpful . Rachel's Vineyard for women and men who have experienced the lost of a child .
Rachel's Vineyard is a safe placeto renew, rebuild and redeem hearts broken by abortion. Weekend retreats offer you a supportive, confidential and non-judgmental environment where women and men can express, release and reconcile painful post-abortive emotions to begin the process of restoration, renewal and healing.
Rachel's Vineyard can help youfind your inner voice. It can help you experience God's love and compassion on a profound level. It creates a place where men and women can share, often for the first time, their deepest feelings about abortion. You are allowed to dismantle troubling secrets in an environment of emotional and spiritual safety.
Rachel's Vineyard is therapyfor the soul. Participants, who have been trapped in anger toward themselves or others, experience forgiveness. Peace is found. Lives are restored. A sense of hope and meaning for the future is finally re-discovered
I didn't lose my child,I didn't have a miscarriage~ I did something so bad I aborted him when I was 18 and then I made a horrid mistake of not telling the baby's father that I aborted him~ I said it was another boy's child. I lied for 38 years till August 27th when I called him to wish him a happy birthday and I accidently told him~I had kept that secret for 38 years. I didn't want him to know cause I knew what this knowledge would do to him. I thought I was doing the right thing in my heart~ but I wasn't by keeping this secret. I see this now that I hurt him even more by not telling him. Instead of him being mad or even saying "why didn't you tell me" what I got from him was understanding and love~when he should be so mad for lying to him for so long. I never wanted him to know this kind of pain~ I had made that promise to myself that I would never hurt him on purpose~and yet I was the one who hurt him more by not telling him.
The abortion came about when my parents~especially my father ordered me to have one. Dad was German,Italian & Protestant who had converted to Reform Jew to marry the women he loved, with his parents blessings.
Now when I became pregnant I never expected my parents to want me to have an abortion. The reason I say this is because they couldn't have children of their own and adopted a little girl when I was only a month old~ My birth mom gave me up so I could have a better life. Now when I became pregnant~ I thought they would give their grandchild the same chance at a life like my mom gave me. That they would let me have my child and give him/her up. this is one fact that I can't understand~ why couldn't they give my child the same chance as I was given~ the chance at LIFE.
So until August 27th when I'd made that horrid mistake~ I'd suffered in my own hell. I never wanted to bring that pain onto HPB's plate~ I wanted to spare him from going thru the kind of torture I went through. But I was wrong~ I should have told him that I had aborted HIS son and not someone else's. I should have been honest with him then.
i didn't understand the full impact of the loss of an unborn child until i miscarried our fourth child at age 35. this brought back a whole range of feelings of guilt and a repeat of feelings of fearing my parents' response that i first experienced when i had when i had an abortion at age 16.
i had awoken screaming out in a sweat the night before that abortion at 11 and half weeks gestation from a nightmare of a backalley experience. my mother came down stairs and i told her where i was going that morning. that's when she told me she had had two back alley experiences herself in the couple years before i was born. she had already given birth to my brother whom her parents adopted and raised in the 1950s and the 1960s weren't much kinder to unwed mothers, so she and my father decided not to bring others into the world when they had no means to care for them. my mother had also already suffered the scorn and unkind treatment from the neighbors and fellow parishioners from the birth of my "illegitimate" brother and had already suffered abuse from them when she was a young girl in ww2 when the neighbors were all nazis and spat on and hated her family for not supporting hitler. (her dad had been put in the camps). so she was glad i was not having to go through what she went through and wasn't having a back alley abortion like she had. i with the two before me. i also knew that planned parenthood was the only organization they ever donated money to, so i felt a lot of pressure to go through with that abortion from them.
fast forward to my pregnancy at age thirty five and i began spotting at 11 weeks gestation. i had not told anyone except my husband that i was pregnant. my main fear was disappointing my parents who were already feeling like too many were having babies in our family without the means to care for them. i was scheduled for an ultrasound after the weekend, but decided to go to a music festival with my husband and three children to pass the time. because of my experience as a midwife i knew if i was going to miscarry it would probably happen regardless, so i had to decide do i take bedrest to prove to myself and my baby i did everything possible to preserve its life or do i go on with life and try to relax and not worry about it so as not to cause more stress that way. at the festival i went to the port a john and found i was now bleeding bright red and having pelvic pain but my husband was angry i was spoiling the fun of the outing by complaining and my friends all nagged at me to dance. for some stupid reason i got up and danced instead of curling into a ball because i didn't want anyone to know i was pregnant again. i wound up in the emergency room later that day after hemorrhaging in my car on the side of the road because my husband refused to take my niece home so i had to do it myself. i was sent home after treatment for hemorrhage to finish my miscarriage (i refused a d&c), and we scooped our little 11 and a half week old fetus out of the toilet after it slipped out of me a couple days after that.
so i have felt guilt for many years. i didn't want to disappoint my parents again by bringing yet another child they would babysit when i got called to births or wanted a rare night out with my husband. they already raised my niece and were part time caring for a nephew of mine. my husband and i lived paycheck to paycheck as it was and our marriage was on the rocks. why did i dance when i was in pain and bleeding? why didn't i tell my nurse midwife friend who was urging me to dance what was happening? i was afraid to disappoint everyone else and make every one unhappy. what if i hadn't have danced? what if i had stayed home in bed? what if? and there is a child in town around the same age as the one i lost rumored to be his. i have often felt so guilty and bad about that miscarriage.
so i can understand your feelings somewhat and it must be especially poignant because you were adopted and were given life yourself and felt deprived of giving the same favor to another by your parental circumstances.
my husband and i separated a few years after that. then he committed suicide and left me with three children to raise. the oldest tried to join him a few times herself. now i have a grandson from her though.
we can only forgive ourselves for all that we did not understand then. we did the best we could do at the time with the understanding we had. god loves and forgives us. if our family and friends love us and forgive us then all that is left is to forgive ourselves. sometimes the hardest of all to do.
I didn't lose my child,I didn't have a miscarriage~ I did something so bad I aborted him when I was 18 and then I made a horrid mistake of not telling the baby's father that I aborted him~ I said it was another boy's child. I lied for 38 years till August 27th when I called him to wish him a happy birthday and I accidently told him~I had kept that secret for 38 years. I didn't want him to know cause I knew what this knowledge would do to him. I thought I was doing the right thing in my heart~ but I wasn't by keeping this secret. I see this now that I hurt him even more by not telling him. Instead of him being mad or even saying "why didn't you tell me" what I got from him was understanding and love~when he should be so mad for lying to him for so long. I never wanted him to know this kind of pain~ I had made that promise to myself that I would never hurt him on purpose~and yet I was the one who hurt him more by not telling him.
The abortion came about when my parents~especially my father ordered me to have one. Dad was German,Italian & Protestant who had converted to Reform Jew to marry the women he loved, with his parents blessings.
Now when I became pregnant I never expected my parents to want me to have an abortion. The reason I say this is because they couldn't have children of their own and adopted a little girl when I was only a month old~ My birth mom gave me up so I could have a better life. Now when I became pregnant~ I thought they would give their grandchild the same chance at a life like my mom gave me. That they would let me have my child and give him/her up. this is one fact that I can't understand~ why couldn't they give my child the same chance as I was given~ the chance at LIFE.
So until August 27th when I'd made that horrid mistake~ I'd suffered in my own hell. I never wanted to bring that pain onto HPB's plate~ I wanted to spare him from going thru the kind of torture I went through. But I was wrong~ I should have told him that I had aborted HIS son and not someone else's. I should have been honest with him then.
Wildmarva, my heart goes out to you. l lost my son in Oct 2000 and my heart breaks everyday that I spend with him not here. He was 32 and lost his life to that evil disease cancer He suffered unmercifully for a year. I just hurt for you in that you have lost all your children. It is so unnatural for us to bury our kids. I hate this empty feeling inside my heart and I know you certainly have the same hurt. I hope you come back and post here. There are a lot of nice ppl here with open arms and open hearts who will embrace you with both.
To all the others on here, I have read and wept with you also.
Luv 2 u all Janie
