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8 years ago  ::  Jun 04, 2010 - 3:35AM #1
Posts: 2

I'm hoping to get some insight on a scenario from people that are Christian or Catholic, but I would love to hear from anyone.  My girlfriend is Catholic.  I'm not.  We've been dating for about nine months.  We've been having sex the whole time.  She has mentioned a couple of times, recently, that she feels guilty about having premarital sex but thinks that if she were to stop I would leave her (which is accurate).  We recently had a conversation in which she indicated that she has not been going to church because it brings into relief her sinful behavior.  I think that these things weigh pretty heavily on her conscience.  I had no idea that any of this was an issue when we started dating.  If I had, I certainly would not have entered into the relationship.  I don't particularly feel able or inclined to abstain from sex, however,  I care about her very much and do not want to stunt her personal or spiritual development.  If anyone could suggest an appropriate course of action I would appreciate it.

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8 years ago  ::  Jun 04, 2010 - 12:20PM #2
Posts: 2,550

First question.

Do you see yourself having a future with her? --More then just a "boyfriend & girlfriend" relationship that is.
Getting more involved as in a "committed relationship"?

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8 years ago  ::  Jun 04, 2010 - 11:54PM #3
Posts: 2

It seems very likely at this point.

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8 years ago  ::  Jun 05, 2010 - 12:35PM #4
Posts: 1,334

As to your questions on the feelings of Christian and RCC churches regarding premarital sex it is simple, they are against it.  Sex while a blessing from God is restricted to the marital relationship in every Christian denomination I am aware of.  While this will not automatically result in excommunication it remains a sinful act which I believe disqualifies the individual from communion.  If your girlfriend has been raised RCC then this would work an emotional and spiritual hardship on her.  The Christian faith is founded upon forgiveness but forgiveness follows repentance.  Repentance is more than feeling bad about what you have done, it is not doing it anymore.  Your girlfriend very likely finds herself in a dilemma; does she cut herself off from her faith tradition and seek another or cut herself off from you.  If you see a future for this relationship other than as sexual partners then you and she are going to have to deal with this.  You might ask yourself, "Which is more important to me satisfying my sexual appetite or the happiness of my girlfriend?"  This may seem like a brutal question but it remains the core issue.  Your girlfriend is expressing her spiritual and emotional distress at the current relationship; how you answer the question determines the future if any) of the relationship.  There is no right or wrong answer only the truth matters

"Not all who wander are lost" J.R.R.Tolkein
You can safely assume that you've created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do. ~Anne Lamott
"Against stupidity the gods themselves contend in vain."
Friedrich von Schiller
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8 years ago  ::  Jun 05, 2010 - 5:08PM #5
Posts: 171

Ok, now from the heathen POV. Your girlfriend didn't start having sex, or even more so, keep having sex, just for you. She, like all humans, has a sex drive, and because of this she, like all Christians, will find her natural desires at odds with the teachings of her church. Some churches realize they're fighting a losing battle against hormones and downplay, or outright ignore the prohibitions on premarital sex (there is in fact some debate as to whether the Bible only prohibits "adultery" (sex with someone married to someone else) or if "fornication" covers premarital sex).

As I said from my Pagan POV, it's all silly, sex is sex, as long as it's consenting adults, who cares. I don't believe deity has time to run around with a clipboard marking down approved and non-approved sex acts. The saying in the Pagan community is "All acts of love and pleasure, are my rituals".

So you have not caused your girlfriends guilt, her church has done that, a church that has done far worse things than pleasurable sexual acts between loving adults. Even apart from the pedophilia scandals, this is a church that promotes unprotected sex resulting in who knows how much disease and overpopulation. Forgive me but I find little of moral value from them.


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8 years ago  ::  Jun 05, 2010 - 7:30PM #6
Posts: 82


God's Word is what may be cutting at her.  There is no person to blame... 

Hebrews 4:12-13- "For the word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, and of joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.  And there is no creature hidden from His sight, but all things are naked and open to the eyes of Him to whom we must give account."   

1 Corinthians 7:9- "...but if they cannot exercise self-control, let them marry.  For it is better to marry than to burn with passion."

I understand that once you have experienced the beautiful art of love making in a relationship between a man and wife, it would be hard to abstain from expressing it towards the wife whom he loves.  If it is experienced outside of God's design, then God is not being honored in that way.  Thankfully, there is a way to honor God.  So, what would hold you back from marrying the one you love?  If you love her, perhaps you should respect her emotions and feelings on the matter.  Romans 14:21- "It is good neither to eat meat nor drink wine nor do anything by which your brother stumbles or is offended or is made weak." 

If you love her, perhaps you can express your love in respecting her convictions.

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8 years ago  ::  Jun 09, 2010 - 5:47PM #7
Posts: 719

I hate to sound harsh, but this whole situation seems like a dead-end to me. 

Don't get me wrong... I see nothing inherently wrong with interfaith relationships or with premarital sex. But I do see two things that seem mutually exclusive here:

I think she wants to get married, and not just in the distant future. If she didn't and she was bothered by the premarital sex thing, she would probably just break up. But she clearly wants to preserve the relationship, and does not want to go without sex herself, at least not for a very long time.

You on the other hand, would rather be without her than without sex. This is not a judgment, I see nothing wrong with it. It's honest. Honesty is good. However, that's not a good place to start a marriage. In most traditions, including Catholicism, marriage is intended to be life long, in sickness and health. If you married her, you would be promising to stay with her and be her husband even if she became sick or injured and could not continue having sex. You should not have to make that promise, and indeed you should not make that promise, unless you honestly feel that being with her is more important to you than having sex. 

However, none of this is necessarily set in stone. She may yet decided to put aside her religious objections again like she did before and just enjoy being in the relationship with you. You may yet come to a place where being with her is worth abstinence or the risk of abstinence. The two of you may come to a compromise where you decide that abstinence from intercourse but indulging in other forms of sex is acceptable to both of you. 


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8 years ago  ::  Jun 14, 2010 - 10:41AM #8
Posts: 2,152

Premarital sex is an issue?

Who on earth has to be married by someone to do something us folk do,  with or without  legal marital concent?


Like marryin' cats .imo.


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8 years ago  ::  Jun 14, 2010 - 11:42AM #9
Posts: 1,533

Jun 14, 2010 -- 11:29AM, David wrote:

premarital sex is the only kind  I have ever had...sexuality is a gift from God and since I have no intention of ever marrying, I have no problem with it...we all are sexual creatures with human needs..and fornication is NOT the worst sin in the world...

Precisely : )



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8 years ago  ::  Jun 14, 2010 - 12:03PM #10
Posts: 180

Your either for God or against God. So pick a side. Don't say you believe one day and do something contrary to what you believe the next. If you believe in God then do as He ask. If you want to be of this world then do as the world. Just choose.

If your in the relationship just for sex then there is no substance to the relationship. It will not last through any difficulties. It would not even survive the first argument. This premise holds true for any relationship regardless of religion. If you only care about your needs then you care nothing for her. Ask not what your girlfriend can do for you, but what you can do for your girlfriend. Wink lol. That is if you truely care about her.

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