Hi momhobbit.

I am a mom to0 and this is how I have handled and continue to manage this very interesting topic.

First I honor human sexuality.  We all have one.  The teen years are often when we need the most guidence because we, (humans),begin  driving a tank with no instructions or safety helmets until taught.!   Condoms are that helmet, and work most of the time when used correctly.

This is not a gay issue, it is a human one.  Make certain condoms are available for your sons, make them as ordinary as water and breathing. If he has a penis and it works, make certain the head on shoulders  knows how to manage this skill. 

Talk about this! Yes it is enbarrassing, yet very helpful when you come from a place of love, compassion, humor and knowledge.

You mentioned after 18 he can do... tell him this is what you would prefer.

Sexual activity requires HUGE responsibility. 

LOL, I told my kids they had to be able to pay my bills for 1 day on their  weeks allowance before they could even think about it. !   I am realistic, so I provide condoms, lube and am able to talk about these "things".

No need to "Out" him  simply acknowledge he is becoming an adult with all the bells and whistles and tell him love and sex are different things.  One has the power of creation and destruction when used as a thing and becomes something wonderful and a GIFT when loved and cherished.

Gender does not matter.

Thanks for posting.

Dar

May 6, 2010 -- 11:20PM, momhobbit wrote:

I love my son very much, but miss the person he used to be.  Before he came out, he was very religious and caring.  Now he says that he doesn't believe in God and is very negative towards most people.

Hi Momhobbit,

I am not a parent, but I am the gay son of Christian parents. I had to come out twice, because the first time my parents threw me back into the closet and locked the door.

First, if my Mom were on this thread writing this, I think her advice to you would be to immediately start dismantling that fantasy you have that the child you once knew would always be your son. That child is in there. But it's much harder to find when he becomes a man. Seek and you will find. Children grow up and as they do they become their own selves with their own ideas and their own beliefs. Please don't expect your children to be what you want them to be. You sound like a good, loving mother. Love requires you to let go and let them grow and be who they are and become what they choose to be. I think it's difficult to determine if the lack of belief in God and the negativity towards others is a result of being an open, honest human being or simply reflective of his age. Coming out is an act of love, momhobbit. Your son will be better for being who he is and being honest about who he is at such a young age. I didn't come out until I was 31 and that was only after years and years of alcohol and drug abuse attempting to live up to the standards of my parents...attempting to be who they wanted me to be...who they expected me to be...instead of just being who I am. You should honor your son for his courage and honesty in being himself and who he really is.

Second, I read your profile and notice that you are Mormon. I was raised in a very strict Christian home. My father was in the Army so my indoctrination into Christianity was pretty much a generic, Protestant message...that being the general course on an Army post. However, my parents were both raised in the same tiny, rural Southern Baptist church in a farming community in the middle of nowhere in South Carolina. Their upbringing often influenced our homelife and often didn't meld well with the generic teachings of Protestant chapel. Most certainly, the fire and hellstone message of that small church where the vast majority of both sides of my extended family attended and that I witnessed on a somewhat regular basis during our frequent visits "home" was what had a tremendous affect on my beliefs and my own self-denigration. I heard many sermons in that church on the evils and wickedness of that "unforgivable sin" called homosexuality. I learned a great deal about how awful such people are in "degrading their bodies" like that...how God could never forgive such a "sin". As an adolescent I began experimenting with drugs and alcohol...and quickly found that it helped to quell the constant barriage of little thoughts about how evil I was to think the way I did about other boys/men. Based on my experience, a similar message is most likely found within your Mormon church. My upbringing left a gaping scar I still am trying to heal and I have been sober for almost 15 years. I eventually came to the place on my journey where I realized that it's a choice to believe in such things. I no longer believe that about myself, but that scar still bleeds. I reject the Christian religion wholly. I love God. I love the message of Jesus. The Christian religion, in all it's many forms, sects, cults, divisions, denominations, has absolutely nothing to do with either one of these. The Christian religion is primarily, and for the most part, only, concerned with the fantasies and delusions of the men that created the Christian religion. They turned the wise message of Christ into nothing more than a fear-driven cult obsessed with his death. His life and his message are rarely found in the shadows of the Christian religion. It's all about his death and the supposed prize you get for believing such tripe. Your son sounds like he is on the right track to finding the real and true meaning behind the message attributed to a man named Jesus...and that is the message of love...the greatest love being the one we find within ourselves. How can we love another as ourself if the love we have for self is unknown or non-existant?

My final thought for you, Momhobbit, is to encourage your son to be courageous in seeking that love within. He's already shown you he is courageous...he's already shown you that he is on the path...it's the love of self that will convince him he should use protection. Only his own love of himself will help in that regard. Your love cannot help him there...your love can help him love himself, and that is what your primary concern should be...to just keep loving him...who he is...just as he is.

Simonrex,

Thank you for your reply and the lessons you have learned from your own experience.  I'm sorry that you had such a tough road to finally find and accept yourself.

I know that right now there is a lot of anti-Mormon feeling in the gay community, because of Proposition 8.  However, the message of the Church has always been to love each other, though not condoning the behavior.  I personally don't have a problem with gay marriage, and see it as inevitable  in the U.S.

One thing that I have concerns about is my son's safety.  I have read too many stories of gay men beaten and/or killed because of their sexual preference.  One of his friends was beaten at their high school, and I fear that he may suffer the same way.

I have told my son many times that I love him and accept him, no matter what his sexual preference.  However, he does have low self-esteem.  He also suffers from bi-polar disorder, which hasn't helped the situation.

May 7, 2010 -- 3:40PM, momhobbit wrote:

I know that right now there is a lot of anti-Mormon feeling in the gay community, because of Proposition 8.

Prop 8 only served to expose the fallacies of the Christian religion in all of it's many faces. The Mormon church is no different from the rest. Ugly, hateful, and wicked. So don't feel I am singling out the Mormon church for my disdain...my disdain is for all of the rotting, decaying corpse that is the Christian religion. The very basis of the Christian religion is firmly planted in the idea that human beings are flawwed and not worthy of God's love. It is the most ridiculous baseless religion ever invented by mankind. But, feel free to think of yourself as flawwed and unworthy of God's love (or anyone elses for that matter). I don't believe it's a very good message to teach your son, but do what you will. He looks to be on the right path to discovering the truth anyway. The further away he can get from that sick and perverted religion, the better off he will be.

However, the message of the Church has always been to love each other, though not condoning the behavior.

What a sick and hurtful church you have. It's my mother's religion and the attitude she has that's just like your church's that prevents me from even trying to be close to her as I was as a child. But feel free to keep pushing your son away when he needs you most by condoning the hatefulness of your church.

Your son did not choose to be who he is. God made him just as God meant for him to be, and yet you would deprive him the same joy and expressions of happiness in him finding someone to share his life with simply because you don't want to "condone the behavior". You might as well tell your son to get out of your house now and tell him to find his own way in the world, because the message you are sending him with the attitude you have is that there is something wrong with him being who he is and loving how he knows how to love. You reinforce the idea that he is not worthy of respect and definitely not welcome to be who he is in your home.

I personally don't have a problem with gay marriage, and see it as inevitable  in the U.S.

God forbid you celebrate the fact that, in some states, your son is able to exercise his right to marry the person he chooses....no no no...can't do that...that would be "condoning the behavior", right?

One thing that I have concerns about is my son's safety.  I have read too many stories of gay men beaten and/or killed because of their sexual preference.

You would better serve your son and his needs if you got more educated on human sexuality. Your son does not "prefer" other men. Your son is attracted to other men, by nature. It is his nature to be attracted to the same sex. He is oriented towards the same sex. He does not "prefer" the same sex. "Preference" implies choice, and for most of us, there was no choice in the matter. Those who might be able to honestly claim a "preference" are those who are bisexual, but even then, they are usually oriented more to one sex than the other, but are attracted to both. Have you heard of PFLAG? Find yourself a meeting and go. They will be able to help you understand more about what appears to be very foreign to you.

 As for your son's safety, his being gay is no reason to be any more fearful than you would be regardless. Unless, of course, you live in a conservative Christian town where beating up the queers is seen as the honorable and Christian thing to do.

One of his friends was beaten at their high school, and I fear that he may suffer the same way.

One of my friends was raped in high school. Should I be fearful that all girls will be raped in high school? Fear is an insidious thing. Feed it and it grows larger and larger. The Christian religion feeds that incessant appetite incessantly. Fear is in opposition to love. Where there is fear, love is not yet made whole. Where there is whole love, pure love, fear cannot exist.

I have told my son many times that I love him and accept him, no matter what his sexual preference.

You can tell him whatever you want, but the truth is obvious. You may love your son dearly, but it's pretty clear to me from just the few posts you've left on here that you wish he were someone else...at least, you wish he would love someone with a vagina. You do understand that's what we're talking about here, right? If you were concerned about him marrying a woman you disliked, I'm sure it would have to do with something other than the size of her boobs. I'm most certain it would have something more to do with her character. But when it comes to gay children, so many parents are obvious in their disdain that their child has chosen a partner with the same sex organs. The message is clear at how shallow love flows in some. It's about body parts to most Christians. It's very rarely, if ever, about the heart.

However, he does have low self-esteem.

Do you think you help his self-esteem by being afraid for him because he's gay? Nothing would make me happier or would boost my self esteem than to have my mother call me one day and say to me "I was wrong...you are perfect just the way you are". But I won't hold my breath. The Christian religion has too strong a grasp on her heart to allow such a thing. Don't get me wrong, my mother puts up a good facade when my partner and I visit, and I truly sense that she loves him as she would a daughter-in-law, but it's very clear she struggles with the dreams she had for me even to this day...but, again, those dreams are all based on the delusional fantasies created by her religion and are not founded upon reality. You know the dreams...a happy home life with a wife and 2.4 children, a couple of acres of land, and membership in a "good" church (as if there is such a thing). Don't you find yourself holding on to those dreams for your son? Start there. Disassemble them and recreate them knowing who your son really is. Or hold on to the fantasy, it's your choice...but holding on to it doesn't help your son be straight.

He also suffers from bi-polar disorder, which hasn't helped the situation.

I would hope that you are getting professional help for the bi-polar disorder.

Perhaps you could find a good therapist, some professional help, for yourself. And if you do, you won't be served by any Christian one or one that hangs a cross outside their office or has a descending dove or something on their business card. Best you find someone who is based in reality and not in the fantastical world of religion to help you with this one.

Hi momhobbit,

I just wanted you to know that I've been thinking about you. I walk my dog every day in a park near my house. It is a peaceful place with walking trails through forest, alongside ponds, and through a meadow. It is the highlight of most days. It is my time and place each day to contemplate life. As I walked today you came into my thoughts and I felt like I had been a little sharp in what I wrote to you in an earlier post. I chose to dwell on how I could better help you. I meditated on that. Soon, the still small voice within was repeating this.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.

Courage to change the things I can.

And the wisdom to know the difference.

Peace.