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Switch to Forum Live View Dominance and submission?
6 years ago  ::  Jun 16, 2008 - 6:39PM #1
Anamchara
Posts: 2
I am interested to know whether anyone else here practices Dominance and submission (D/s) in a relationship? Not BDSM, but just Dominance and submission.

I was introduced to this a few months ago when I started a new relationship. It has been wonderful. I feel that I have learned something about my true nature that I never knew before.

Furthermore, practicing submission has helped immensely with my spiritual life. Learning to submit in my relationship with my lover has taught me a lot about "letting go and letting God" and submitting to God's will.

My relationship is one of loving submission. We do not do "scenes", but rather explore D/s at a more basic level in all aspects of our love for one another. My lover treats me with immense tenderness and respect, is never harsh or abusive, only loving and kind; but he is definitely Dominant. And I find that this frees me to be myself, in a way I never imagined possible.

Are there any Doms or subs here?
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6 years ago  ::  Jun 16, 2008 - 6:39PM #2
Anamchara
Posts: 2
I am interested to know whether anyone else here practices Dominance and submission (D/s) in a relationship? Not BDSM, but just Dominance and submission.

I was introduced to this a few months ago when I started a new relationship. It has been wonderful. I feel that I have learned something about my true nature that I never knew before.

Furthermore, practicing submission has helped immensely with my spiritual life. Learning to submit in my relationship with my lover has taught me a lot about "letting go and letting God" and submitting to God's will.

My relationship is one of loving submission. We do not do "scenes", but rather explore D/s at a more basic level in all aspects of our love for one another. My lover treats me with immense tenderness and respect, is never harsh or abusive, only loving and kind; but he is definitely Dominant. And I find that this frees me to be myself, in a way I never imagined possible.

Are there any Doms or subs here?
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6 years ago  ::  Jun 16, 2008 - 9:54PM #3
Zachguy18
Posts: 191
Honestly, I think that concerning most lover relationships, gay or straight, that dominance and submission exists to some form of degree.  For some, it's rather subtle and/or dependent on the circumstances (example: Mark is dominant concerning the finances, but Lena is dominant concerning the house.  Or closer to an extreme, Mark is a dominant father, but Lena is a dominant lover), and for others, it's their state of being.  I myself tend to fluctuate between a dominant and a submissive person.  I like having someone drive me, so to speak.  It's not really easy to explain.  But at times, I also like to take initiative.  Hence, it fluctuates.

Like I said, this can take many manifestations, through BDSM, vanilla sex, or even how decisions are made.

I think that as long as it's a mutual thing (I.E., Mark is dominant because Lena wants him to be, but Lena isn't submissive because that's what Mark expects of her; that's simply what she wants to be.), it can be beautiful...

(Also, please don't take offense to my use of gender stereotypes.  It made for easier examples.  Surprisingly often, there's submissive men belonging to dominant women.  So, yeah :-) At any time, simply switch the names Mark and Lena and it still applies.)

I hope I contributed :D
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6 years ago  ::  Jun 17, 2008 - 5:21PM #4
REteach
Posts: 14,745
As long as both parties are having fun, go for it.  Some kink adds spice to a relationship--and after 30 years, we are still getting better at it.  :)
I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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6 years ago  ::  Jun 18, 2008 - 11:34AM #5
Anamchara
Posts: 2
I am finding that many people don't comprehend the type of submission I am speaking of.

First of all, although I appreciate the sentiment, this is not about kink. It is not a little something you do once in awhile to spice up a relationship. Nothing wrong with those things... but that is not what this is.

Secondly, the depth of submission I have chosen is not a simple matter of one person being in charge for a while, and then another.

A Dominant/submissive relationship is not role-playing. It happens when one person whose true nature is to be a Dominant partners with another person whose true nature is to be a submissive. It is who they are, most authentically, and they fulfill one another.

A Dom is not a Dom only in certain situations. He (or she) is a Dom all the time, in every aspect of his being. He desires to possess, to control, to dominate, to exert his will over your will. (Hopefully lovingly.) He does not respect your boundaries. What he wants, he takes. He loves to control, and he feeds on the submission of another as she looks to him to lead, direct, or even command.

A true submissive is also submissive by nature, though it usually takes time to learn to submit completely. Being submissive is not the same as being passive. Passive people are often quite rebellious on the inside. Submission is active, and has an object. Subs are often strong, talented, respected. Submission is a conscious choice. Submission is not easy; it requires deep self-knowledge, self-respect, inner strength and brutal honesty as you acknowledge the barriers to full submission and allow them to be breached. But a sub gets intense pleasure from giving over control to another. She loves to be possessed, to be taken without being asked.

The D/s relationship is a journey. As they are together, the Dom gradually asserts his will more and more over the sub. He possesses her, marks her as his. The sub gradually releases more and more self-control into the hands of her Dom. The effect on her is profound, freeing, and intense. The Dom conquers her, conquers her fears, knows her innermost being, holds her safely and lovingly. They lift each other up.

It seems to have become unfashionable for Dominant men and submissive women to own their true natures. Dominant women and submissive men are more fashionable, perhaps. But in either case, it seems that I keep meeting people who are by nature Dominant or submissive, and yet, do not know that it is okay to own that, and become who they most authentically are.

I am a submissive. I am by no means a weak woman. I am a business executive, self-confident, assertive, no problem with self-esteem. And submission is helping me be even stronger.
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6 years ago  ::  Jun 18, 2008 - 8:41PM #6
Zachguy18
Posts: 191
Wow...

Sounds like the relationship with your husband is an interesting one.  Romantic AND passionate.

The only reason Dominant Men and Submissive Women is "out of fashion", as you have so put it, is that it seems to be reinforcing the stereotypes that men are somehow superior to women.  To be quite honest, it should be equal with Dominant Women and Submissive Men, but old wounds are hard to close.  (did that saying make sense?)

However, when a man (or a woman) becomes too dominant and starts abusing the submissive woman/man, that's when such a relationship can go HORRIBLE.  That's my only concern as far as these kinds of relationships go.

But such a level of trust is rarely found in relationships today.  I don't think that's ENTIRELY a bad thing, as being cautious IS a good way to stay healthy.

But if you WANT to be submissive, and you WANT to give over control, then I see no problem.
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6 years ago  ::  Jun 19, 2008 - 2:31PM #7
MysticWanderer
Posts: 1,328
A true ds relatiobnship is indeed a life not a lifestyle; it is based on the innate nature of some people.  Such a relationship is actually quite equal in that the Dom cannot function fully without the sub and vice versa.  Additionally the relationship involves a tremendous amount of trust and in its fullest form love.  The sub obviously must trust the Dom not to take advantage and to respect boundaries but the Dom must also trust the sub to openly communicate feelings and limits.  Often dabblers in Ds will ascribe to "no limits" relationships but these are all unrealistic and short term.  i am also in a Ds relationship with a loving, caring Woman who i know will never harm me but will take care of all of my needs as i take care of hers.  Please note that to be directed is a need of  mine as much as to direct is a need of Hers.  At the same time outside i am a professional and quite responsible and She respects this and helps me function more fully in both roles.  And yes it can be quite spiritually fulfilling to find your true nature and follow it especially in a loving relationship with another.
"Not all who wander are lost" J.R.R.Tolkein
You can safely assume that you've created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do. ~Anne Lamott
"Against stupidity the gods themselves contend in vain."
Friedrich von Schiller
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6 years ago  ::  Jun 22, 2008 - 4:34PM #8
Snoopkitty
Posts: 132
Anamchara, I completely understand.  I am at the other end of the spectrum, in that I am a male who is looking for a relationship with a very intelligent, strong, dominant yet compassionate and loving female.  Hard to find for a guy!  I have always been more on the submissive end of the spectrum, not in the role-playing aspect of being humiliated or anything (I tried that and it was sometimes fun for a sexual turn on, but that was it) but being with a female partner who is just naturall dominant, both personality wise and sexually.  Many women I have met think this is weird and that I am not "manly", whatever that means, because of this.  I have always been more turned on, spiritually, physically, and mentally by pleasing my partner instead of the other way around.  I even turned to trying the same-sex thing, since there was more acceptance of being submissive in the gay scene, but am just naturally attracted to women, not men, so that didn't work unless I was under the influence of drugs/alcohol, which I need to stay away from.  I have looked online for sites, but most have some kind of monetary obligation or are really just role-playing sites.  I find that the few women I have met that claimed to be "dominant" were really only that way because it was "cool" in the fetish scene or as a sexual game.

Anyway, interesting you started this thread.
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6 years ago  ::  Jun 24, 2008 - 3:27PM #9
Snoopkitty
Posts: 132
Crazy, I agree with your post re: it is more difficult to be the dom.  When I used to "play" in the fetish scene, I found that the entire scene had a view that the sub was actually the one really in control, due to the dom being dom to try and please the sub, ultimately.  The dom is the one who has to "perform" make the "decisions" and do it well to continue to attract/interest the sub.  The sub simply does what is asked/told and actually enjoys pleasing, where the dom has to work at it, it seems to me.  Got to love the doms that are willing to put all that effort into it, huh?
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6 years ago  ::  Jun 29, 2008 - 5:30PM #10
ManzanitaBear
Posts: 946
I hope you guys don't mind my butting in.  I'm finding this fascinating, and read this thread several times, because it's making some wheels turn for me.  Perhaps because it is, for me, very foreign territory.  I must not be naturally submissive or dominant, because these descriptions seem to be speaking another language, which I really can't connect to.  My honest thoughts would have been, if someone tries to completely rule over someone else, isn't that abuse?  Or do I just think that because I have a very strong aversion to being controlled, to anything that even smacks of control?

I have read a little about this before, but more from stumbling into it than anything else.  I'll confess to some mildly kinky interests, now starting to be explored within my relationship--but it's only play.  Neither of us really wants to dominate or be dominated, and we both know it.  But I did do some reading up, as I was trying to figure out what my real desires were.  I was rather surprised to find that some people really want to control people or be controlled, genuinely be punished, etc.  And maybe I'm not approaching that with the right language... it is hard for me to understand.
[QUOTE=Anamchara;570735]A Dominant/submissive relationship is not role-playing. It happens when one person whose true nature is to be a Dominant partners with another person whose true nature is to be a submissive. It is who they are, most authentically, and they fulfill one another.[/QUOTE]
That made me think.  And the more I think, the more certain I get that an ex boyfriend of mine had (and probably still has; I haven't seen him in years) a submissive nature.  If that's true, then it's one reason why the relationship didn't last: I wasn't willing to dominate him.  From his descriptions of past relationships, and the way I saw him interacting with his best friend, I got the picture that he really wanted, even needed, to have someone control him.  That he saw relationships as being about control.  To me, that seemed like an unhealthy picture of relationships--but could it be that for him the healthy picture was different?  That he was really submissive, and was searching, however unconsciously, for the right dominant?

He was not into sexual sadomasochism; at the time, he didn't even know what it was.  I do think his best friend tended to give him some of the domination he needed, but they never had a sexual relationship as far as I know (and would never have admitted it if they even had feelings for each other; they were two "I'm-so-straight" guys!)
[QUOTE=Zachguy18;567402]Honestly, I think that concerning most lover relationships, gay or straight, that dominance and submission exists to some form of degree. [/QUOTE]
If that's true, how would you explain the relationship I'm in?  It really doesn't seem to me that either of us is dominant or submissive.  Certainly not sexually... even if we pretend that one of us is taking control, it quickly becomes completely mutual.  As far as other interactions go, there's give and take, there's balance.  I can't honestly say I'm dominant here and he's dominant there.  Maybe there are some things one of us does better than the other, but that's probably not quite what you're describing.
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