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5 years ago  ::  Jan 10, 2009 - 3:29AM #1
dd713
Posts: 1
I'm 28 years old, single, a Christian, and not a virgin. But I haven't had sex in almost two years, because I have been waiting until I'm in a serious relationship again... and waiting for other reasons (see below)... and lately, I have wondered if, as a Christian, I should be waiting until I'm married, since so many Christians believe that's the way to go (whether or not they abide by their own belief).

So I've searched the Bible, but found nothing conclusive - adultery is bad, "sexual immorality" is bad (but never defined in any way whatsoever), but even after checking every indexed reference under "sex" in the Student Bible, I haven't found any explicit support for the belief that sex outside of marriage (provided neither party is married) is bad. Perhaps I'm missing something. (If what I'm missing is some archaic rule from the Old Testament, it probably won't convince me anyway, but at least it will shed some light as to where others get this idea from.)

If I'm not missing any relevant passages, then perhaps it's just a matter of interpretation? If so, I might be convinced.

I've read a bunch of threads here. The STD argument does nothing for me; I'm interested in a religious reason for abstaining. The whole "sex is sacred" thing seems more relevant, but having had sex, I really don't believe that's true. I do believe that sex should ideally be a meaningful experience, but I don't see why that should require marriage. I understand how doing anything that will ultimately cause harm to oneself or another can be sinful, and therefore I can think of numerous types of situations in which sex could be sinful, but I don't see how it necessarily is just because there is no marriage. I think that individuals can certainly cause harm to themselves by means of their sexual behavior, even if no one else is harmed, but again, I don't understand how marriage is a factor either way.

I am actually not trying to be argumentative. I am open to the idea, and if someone could provide me with a religious reason why waiting for marriage is a good thing, I may be convinced by it and decide to wait. I just haven't found any real religious reason for it yet.

One of the reasons I've held off lately is because I thought that, perhaps, maybe the reason I didn't "get" what I like to refer to as "the whole chastity thing" was because I hadn't tried it. But almost two years have passed and not a shred of enlightenment has come.

One more thing. Someone seemed to propose in another thread somewhere around here that sex outside of marriage involves "taking" whereas sex within marriage involves "giving." I do not know how or why the poster came to this conclusion, but I know of no basis for it. (Nevermind the logical problem: if both parties are giving to one another, then both are also taking, and vice versa. Duh.)

Can someone please shed some light on this whole idea of Christian chastity for me? Even if I am not persuaded, I'll be grateful just to have gained some understanding.
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5 years ago  ::  Jan 10, 2009 - 5:31PM #2
REteach
Posts: 13,548
"do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

I think it is a double edged sword.  My concern about extramarital sex is not the extramarital part (except for cheating) but knowing that people lie to each other and to themselves.  You are in a particularly tight corner since you kind of feel it is wrong, and I think you would end up feeling guilty.

In our culture, sex and love have been tightly woven together in the public consciousness.  The problem, as I see it, when one has sex with another, are they both on the same level of understanding as to the nature of the relationship.

Studies have shown that men will lie and say "I love you" to get sex.  Women will have sex in the hopes of snaring a man into a relationship.  Clearly, that is not healthy, and it is not loving one's neighbor as oneself.

However, I do think it is possible for two stable adults, using appropriate contraception, and being honest with themselves and each other, to share sex as others might kiss.  (Disclaimer--I was a virgin when I got married and my husband is my only partner, so I might be full of excreta on this.  Still I have met people who have enjoyed sex without entanglement)

I think you also need to be true to and love yourself. 

So, there, a nice nonanswer.  Good luck!
I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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5 years ago  ::  Jan 10, 2009 - 7:02PM #3
Sailorlal79
Posts: 1,365
You might post this on the christianity thread, since you would get all christian answers. Im an atheist, but even when I was religious, I had sex when I felt it was right, and never had any problems.I cant think of a good reason to wait if the time is right.
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5 years ago  ::  Jan 10, 2009 - 7:09PM #4
Tmarie64
Posts: 5,277
The only reason I can come up with for not having sex is disease.
Pregnancy is a big thing, but it probably won't kill you.
HIV, Herpes, Syphillis, Antibiotic resistant strains of many of the "old" diseases are back with a vengeance.
Just remember you have sex with every partner your partner has ever had sex with. 
You have to do what you feel is best.  No one else can make the decision for you.
James Thurber - "It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers."
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5 years ago  ::  Jan 11, 2009 - 2:57AM #5
ManzanitaBear
Posts: 946
[QUOTE=Sailorlal79;1010380]Im an atheist, but even when I was religious, I had sex when I felt it was right, and never had any problems.I cant think of a good reason to wait if the time is right.[/QUOTE]

I'm with Sailorlal in this.  I'm neither atheist nor religious--at least, not religious in the sense of taking what churches teach or what the Bible says to be hard and fast rules that absolutely always apply to my own life.  The teachings on sex and marriage were meant for the culture they were written in, which viewed such things very differently.  If people usually marry in their teens, like they did in Biblical cultures, there isn't much time when they have a desire for sex but aren't allowed to have it, if they wait for marriage.  In our culture, where most people don't marry til they're well into their twenties, or even thirties, there's much more time when we're sexually mature but not yet married.  Marriage has been redefined so much in the last century that it's hard to apply rules that were meant for very different views of marriage and sex.

Perhaps the best new rule is what's found in the Wiccan Rede (not meant to apply specifically to sex, but to all situations): Do what you will and harm none.
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5 years ago  ::  Feb 22, 2009 - 10:06AM #6
Katja144
Posts: 57
I've heard right-wingers argue that before marriage, sex is only about lust, and after marriage, it's about love.  I've never been able to wrap my head around that--love only happens in that moment when a ring touches your finger???  You walk down the aisle not being in love but when you walk back up the aisle half an hour later it has magically appeared???  I mean, come on.

I've also felt for a long time that the "no sex before/outside of marriage" rule came about because back in the days of the Bible, there weren't reliable ways to prevent pregnancy and disease...so if you had sex with no one but the ONE person you were married to, diseases were an impossibility and pregnancy wasn't a problem.  But these days, our circumstances are different...of course no method of contraception or disease protection is foolproof either and that has to be taken into account, but it's a zillion times safer these days.
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5 years ago  ::  Mar 01, 2009 - 9:40PM #7
Ericalauren
Posts: 12

I think that other people should do what feels right to them. But, for me, it does not feel right to have sex before marriage. Also, I should note that I am asexual.

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5 years ago  ::  Mar 02, 2009 - 4:38PM #8
hm2menger
Posts: 171

Mar 1, 2009 -- 9:40PM, Ericalauren wrote:


I think that other people should do what feels right to them. But, for me, it does not feel right to have sex before marriage. Also, I should note that I am asexual. 




 


Well given that, you're sort of like a horse joining a conversation between two cougars about the relative merits of elk vs deer meat.

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5 years ago  ::  Mar 05, 2009 - 4:24PM #9
Anesis
Posts: 1,542

Jesus explains it fairly well in Matthew 19: 4 - 6, where he says that the man will leave his father and mother, be united to his wife, and that "the two will become one flesh."

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5 years ago  ::  Mar 09, 2009 - 9:41AM #10
hm2menger
Posts: 171

Mar 5, 2009 -- 4:24PM, Anesis wrote:


Jesus explains it fairly well in Matthew 19: 4 - 6, where he says that the man will leave his father and mother, be united to his wife, and that "the two will become one flesh."




That refers to Marriage, does it refer to sex? I'm not convinced it does.

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