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6 years ago  ::  Mar 11, 2008 - 9:14AM #1
wifimom
Posts: 4
About six years ago my husband and I were out with some friends and he tells me he is going to the bathroom. After about 20 minutes I have a friend go to check on him and he is nowhere to be found. I called his cell phone and he did not answer but I knew he was on the phone because on the way it rang. He did not come back for about an hour and a half and would not let me see the call history on the phone.

The next day I went to the cell phone store and pulled the number that he had called because I thought he was having an affair. Much to my shock he had been calling the "900" numbers for gay sex. I was devastated. He assured me that this would never happen again but I felt like a slug. 

A few months later I had a very short tryst with his best friend for no other reason than I wanted another man to make me feel "loved". (What a disaster.) I stayed with my husband but did not tell him about his friend (although he did suspect it).

Then in February of 2006 I found out that he had again called the "900" numbers and yet he swears to me that he is not gay and then says he has always had these thoughts but now he knows he can control them.

We separated for a while but got back together about six months ago (at which time I told him about the friend). He says that he loves me and wants nothing more than to make things up to me.

After six months I still do not believe that this will not happen again and feel that he is suppressing his feelings. I also am no longer in love with him and want to end our 14 year marriage.

Any advice would be appreciated.
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6 years ago  ::  Mar 11, 2008 - 10:24AM #2
xequar
Posts: 662
I'm very sorry to hear about all of this.  Although I don't have any kind of sage advice to offer, I'll give a couple of thoughts and hope they're relevant. 

Is your husband gay?  I can't answer that, although I would assert that it's more likely than not, based on what you've told us thus far.  One of the unfortunate effects of this heteronormative society and the generations of society telling us that being gay is wrong and worse is that unknowable numbers of gay people have felt compelled to marry the opposite gender in spite of their natural attractions.  Like I said, I can't and won't say that's what happened here, but that possibility certainly exists. 

Although I'm sure you're hurt and hurting right now, I guess I would ask and hope that you can separate all of that emotion, at least for the time being, and try to figure out and appreciate all views of this thing.  Your husband is probably going through a lot of stuff in his own mind and soul at this time, as well.  I don't know what the best solution is, but this sounds like something that you should at least consider addressing more directly.  Instead of making the 900 calls the focus of the conversation, perhaps you can use them as a sort of topic starter for what you believe are deeper issues that need to be addressed. 

Like I said, I have no sage advice that I can offer.  Hell, I don't even have any life experience I can pass off as psuedo-sage advice.   But, my hopes and best wishes are with both you and your husband, as it sounds like you both need to have some deep conversations and work a lot of stuff out both for yourselves and for each other.
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6 years ago  ::  Mar 13, 2008 - 2:13PM #3
MMarcoe
Posts: 14,661
A couple of things jumped out at me:

[QUOTE=wifimom;348683] A few months later I had a very short tryst with his best friend for no other reason than I wanted another man to make me feel "loved".

He says that he loves me and wants nothing more than to make things up to me.[/QUOTE]

First, it sounds like he's not giving you affection. That could certainly be a sign that he's gay.

Also, his denial suggests that he wants the safety of being in a society-approved relationship while also having an outlet for what could be his true desires.

If I were you, I would seek counseling about this, either with your husband or on your own. I'm sorry to hear about your distress over it.
There are three sides to every story: your side, my side, and the truth.

God is just a personification of reality, of pure objectivity.
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6 years ago  ::  Mar 13, 2008 - 6:24PM #4
Just_Breathe_x
Posts: 7
I'm so sorry about this and your husband. But to answer your questions, about "is my husband gay?" I cannot answer, but I can give you a few hints, I honestly think; yes. Since, he has always been calling a gay hotline, it's a sure sign. But, he's only saying he's not "gay" because he's in "denial."
I wish I can help you more about this, but I might suggest you go seek counseling, and maybe they can help you fix this problem.

I am sorry about your pain, and your marriage. I hope the nothing but the best for you two<3.
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6 years ago  ::  Mar 14, 2008 - 9:35AM #5
hm2menger
Posts: 171
I concur with the rest of the group, most likely, yes, he is gay. As for what to do, well time for a sit down. Tell him that you are not angry at him and you want him to be happy and it seems he would be most happy with another man. Tell him that the feelings he's trying to "control" cannot and should not be "controlled". Also tell him that you want and deserve a man who's only desire is for a woman, that you cannot and will not compete for his affections with men. Wish him well, suggest he look into gay organizations that could help him resolve his conflict, and cut him loose. He may in fact love you, but the kind of love he has is not the kind that you want to keep you from relationships with men that desire women.
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6 years ago  ::  Mar 14, 2008 - 11:28AM #6
millefeori
Posts: 440
So  do I Honey,  I hope that we were able to  help and offer  you some kind  of sense ,
What matters  is  to  not stress it....  We all know to Well that Stress brings on   disease & Illness... If this is your  hubby's  choice & his experience here on Earth... You My Friend are learning also  I'm sure other's such as you & your Hubby are  facing this  similar  situation,
there  are  no  answers or  reasons   why  we Do what we do... One day maybe   we  will all come to learn  why  we even are here  on earth....
Have faith in ( YOU) do this  for your Husband  he  did come into your life,  YES !!!!!
  much  love & peace ...
((hugs ))))
mille  :)
If You Really Want Enlightenment, then Just Lighten Up..!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
All That Is -Would Not Be All That Is..!!!
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6 years ago  ::  May 06, 2008 - 12:32PM #7
kimikari
Posts: 43
just_breathe_x, I am not sure what you are relating to when you say to fix this problem?  I do hope its not that he's gay or Bi, as that cannot be "fixed", and I hope that we don't start to get a flamer on here, saying gay people are wrong or need to be "fixed"....All hell will break loose, and I would most definately be at the front of it, I have see too much of it in Highschool today....specially at east, where not only are there at least 75% "rednecks"(whom proudly call themselves that) also they are VERY southern baptist, VERY conservative, and unfortunately, the kids there are picked out for their orientation, no more if I can help it, I will be going there next year. 

ANYWAY, sorry bout that...
I would have to say, yes go to a counselor, or even, let someone else into his life?  Perhaps it is just a fling, or maybe it is full blow bi/gay, you cannot tell as of now, and really, why would it hurt soooo much if you are not getting love from him, why not.  You must experiment at this point, try making hints towards things, and see what he says, all too often are people afraid to be out.
Hm2, I do not think that she needs to bring up him being with another man, just say would you like to bring a man into this relationship or some such.  I do not think that her saying, Obviously I don't please you, go after a guy, is not going to help, and if it is just a fling....then he will probably get very offended.
Go slow with this, as with most any situation like this.
Peace,
Parker
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6 years ago  ::  May 06, 2008 - 12:52PM #8
darcamani
Posts: 2,152
First off ask your husband,  listen carefully and try to be as non threatening as possible, and then seek counsoling  so if he is you both can weather the storm and remain close as he comes out and  then you will both know what to do next.

Start with your husband first.

Good luck.

Dar
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6 years ago  ::  May 06, 2008 - 3:43PM #9
nieciedo
Posts: 5,617
Your husband is not gay.

He has not "come out" and accepted his same-sex attraction as an integral part of his identity. He has not consciously and openly acknowledged that his primary sexual and emotional attraction is toward his own sex.

Could he be homosexual or bisexual? Very possibly. The majority of the human population is bisexual to one degree or another.

The question hangs on what he intends to do with himself. If he loves you and is committed to his relationship with you, then he is not gay and is not likely to become so -- yet the same-sex attractions will never go away and will simply have to be accepted as part of who he is. That is for you and hopefully a counselor or therapist to work through.

He's obviously going through some kind of crisis right now and what he needs is support.
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6 years ago  ::  May 08, 2008 - 2:00PM #10
espiritus85
Posts: 134
Does it matter whether he is or not? Obviously there is something significant (desire or behavior) (which he should know is probably significant to others) about him that you found out about a whole six years into the marriage. I support your wish to end the relationship.
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