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Switch to Forum Live View Are Incestuous feelings somewhat normal?
7 years ago  ::  Mar 04, 2008 - 4:03PM #1
atomic
Posts: 8
I'm 29 years old, and I've been having some incestuous/romantic feelings toward my younger sister who is 15

Actually, she's my half-sister, her mother died a couple years ago and she's been living with my wife and I for awhile now. Our father doesn't maintain regular contact with either of us. We didn't grow up in the same household, and hardly saw each other until she was about 11. These feelings for her are quite new, as she's maturing quickly and appears physically to be about 17. We're really close, get along well and share secrets with each other, and exchange normal sibling affection.

I'm wondering if anyone has some input or statistics on this? Like how common it really is?

I haven't done anything to/with her, and I don't plan on it, ever. I'm just wondering if anyone else has experienced this?

One last thing: everyone please keep your judgements to yourself: useful input only.

Thanks!
Atomic
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7 years ago  ::  Mar 04, 2008 - 4:30PM #2
IHOP
Posts: 2,179
Well, considering the fact that you hardly grew up with her... essentially she's a developing pubesent female in your house.  The fact that technically you are related has nothing to do with the physical reactions/emotions you are experiencing.

I was VERY glad to read that you do not plan on acting on these feelings.  Granted, I wish you had said you WOULD NOT, but not planning on it is almost as good.

I bet your feelings are normal.  You are watching a girl growing into a woman.  She is not your child, and you do not have the back ground together to make it a typical brother sister relationship.

Just... do NOT act.  and closely monitor yourself to make sure you only display APPROPRIATE displays of affection.
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7 years ago  ::  Mar 04, 2008 - 8:18PM #3
REteach
Posts: 14,559
If incest were vanishingly rare, there would probably be no need for laws against it.  I have had patients who had sex with siblings, although these were not consensual relationships.  Indeed, in a family setting, with various power positions, I'm not sure quite how one would, or actually if one could, appropriately define consensual. 

I believe ancient Egyptian royalty, and others as well, married siblings.

I also read an article about children raised in Israeli kibbutzim.  Although they were not siblings, they were essentially raised as such, in close proximity, and tended not to develop romances with each other.

An interesting side question might relate to the disparity in age.  An awful lot of unwed teen mothers are pregnant by guys considerably older than they are.
I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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7 years ago  ::  Mar 05, 2008 - 5:05PM #4
atomic
Posts: 8
Thanks Baroi, your input was completely useless. Thanks for twisting my honest question into something you could use to condemn me in order to make yourself feel better. Also, thanks for the childish insults, each one tailored to each individual line of my post...it shows that you were willing to go the extra mile to lavish your judgement on me. I hope it made your day :)

I'm curious about something: since I asked for everyone to keep their judgements to themselves, and all you have IS judgement, why did you even bother to respond? I thought these forums were for honest discussions and people seeking honest help, not for finger-pointing or displaying your self-righteousness. Your responses are akin to someone popping their head in a methodone clinic just long enough to yell "HA HA!" and then running out.

I wasn't looking for someone to tell me I was right or wrong, or to give me advice on seducing my sister. If I was, I would have asked for that in my post. Also, you do not understand our family situation, so stop making it sound like my wife and I lured my sis to come live with us, because that isn't what happened at all.

Anyway, thanks to REteach and IHOP for your input. I didn't bother to open Baroi's link, because it probably contains a virus or something.
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7 years ago  ::  Mar 05, 2008 - 5:13PM #5
atomic
Posts: 8
Okay, so I did open Baroi's "Resources" page...apparently he thinks I'm a child molester... even though I have NEVER touched my sister or any other child inappropriately.

So apparently just thinking about my sister in an other-than-familial way makes me a criminal? is that what you're suggesting?
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7 years ago  ::  Mar 05, 2008 - 6:44PM #6
atomic
Posts: 8
Okay, instead of being angry I actually laughed out loud this time. I gave my responses under the erroneous assumption that I was dealing with someone capable of maturity and compassion. My bad. I suppose if anything I should be thanking you for the comic relief.

So, Thank you :)

To clarify, I have no intention of carrying out or acting upon my feelings for my half-sister. Those douchebags who got busted by dateline were soliciting someone they thought was 13 (and yeah, in reality it was an adult police detective) and that's just messed up. That's called a "predator", there's a difference.

I suppose it was naive of me to suggest that my incestuous feelings are in any way "normal", but I think if people would just be honest with themselves and have the courage to admit it, incestuous desires are probably at least somewhat more common than is currently believed.

And if you've never had them, good for you. I imagine if my sister and I had grown up in the same household, or if she weren't living with me, or if she was UGLY, then I wouldn't have these feelings for her. But, alas, I do...and there's not much I can do about it.

My sister is a good kid: she's very smart, does well in school, is musically and theatrically talented (as am I), she has alot of friends and even a boyfriend. I'm trying my hardest to give her a normal life, and as such I don't plan to reveal my feelings TO her. Her mother is dead, our father is an alcoholic and drug addict, and you're right: I'm the only father figure she has right now.

I imagine that shame and denial are major factors why there aren't support groups for people like me. Am I ashamed of it? of course...but at least I admit it and I'm not in denial about it. Just don't confuse me with a pedophile or a predator, k?
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7 years ago  ::  Mar 05, 2008 - 7:41PM #7
SatanicStalker
Posts: 719
From my study of psychology, I would say that yes, such feelings are common probably a LOT more common than most people would be willing to admit openly. I have even read that a significant number of adolescent siblings of roughly the same age engaged in some sort of sexual experimentation with one another, even excluding cases of abuse or unconsentual sexual activity. It's sometimes simply that you have an emerging sense of your own sexuality and there is another person going through the same thing, someone you know well and trust, so why not experiment?

Those are general statements, I know that you are not an adolescent and are not acting on your impulses.

I believe that thoughts, especially impulses, are largely uncontrollable. I know for one that thoughts come into my mind completely unbidden all the time. Therefore, there should be no moral judgement placed upon a person for novel thoughts that come unbidden to mind. It's totally natural and there's nothing you can do about it short of extremes such as lobotomies and suicide, which are not the solution.

Rather, I believe that morality applies to how you react to such thoughts. You are keeping the thoughts contained where they do not hurt anybody, and so you are doing the right thing. Sorry, I suppose that is technically a judgement, but I think it is at lest a useful, non-hurtful one. A different moral judgement would apply to someone in a similar situation as yours who did not intentionally act on it but allowed the thoughts to come between him and his sister and him and his wife. A very different judgement would apply to someone who acted on the impulse and caused direct damage to his sister and wife (and himself).

I would suggest that there is no need to be ashamed of such feelings, but of course shame is also a thought that comes unbidden of its own free will, and is not always controllable. But at least be comforted in the knowledge that what you are experiencing is normal and you are not at fault for anything. No damage has yet been done, and there is no reason that any should occur.

um no it's not normal for a 29 y/o man to lust after a 16 y/o.



Granted, I am a 20 year old heterosexual female, but I have a very hard time believing that this is true. It makes me laugh to tell the truth. I imagine that the majority of 29 year old heterosexual and bisexual men lust after 16 year old girls at least on occasion, though they might try to supress the thought or to deny it. But it's totally and completely natural. Again, not acting on it would probably be the right thing to do most of the time. But that is a separate issue from the thought.

My boyfriend once explained an aspect of male attraction to me this way.

Him: What do you imagine a 14 year old boy finds most attractive?
Me: I would guess a 14 year old girl.
Him: Yes. Now, as he grows up, becoming 16, 20, 25, 40, and 80, he starts being interested in 16 year olds, 20 year olds, 25 year olds, and so on. But that attraction to his first crush at 14 often never really goes away, it usually just gets written over or replaced by new attractions. But, that attraction is still there, under the surface.

And, of course, some men are capable of viewing a 16 year old as the unique and attractive young woman that she is and is becoming. It's not always about the 16 year old inside of him or the attraction to a general fertile-looking woman or the attraction of the forbidden.

~Stalker

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7 years ago  ::  Mar 05, 2008 - 8:55PM #8
Sailorlal79
Posts: 1,365
I think many of us have inappropriate sexual feelings now and again- be it for a sibling, a student, a patient, or someone too young. I agree, I don't think you can control these things. I would say that, if the thought is constant and bothering you, maybe seeing a counselor would help. But if its a here and there thing, just ignore it and go one with you life. By the way, my father-in-law had sexual obsessions about his daughters. He never abused them and the obsessions really upset him. It's actually a type of OCD. He got on meds and is much better.
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7 years ago  ::  Mar 05, 2008 - 6:44PM #9
atomic
Posts: 8
Okay, instead of being angry I actually laughed out loud this time. I gave my responses under the erroneous assumption that I was dealing with someone capable of maturity and compassion. My bad. I suppose if anything I should be thanking you for the comic relief.

So, Thank you :)

To clarify, I have no intention of carrying out or acting upon my feelings for my half-sister. Those douchebags who got busted by dateline were soliciting someone they thought was 13 (and yeah, in reality it was an adult police detective) and that's just messed up. That's called a "predator", there's a difference.

I suppose it was naive of me to suggest that my incestuous feelings are in any way "normal", but I think if people would just be honest with themselves and have the courage to admit it, incestuous desires are probably at least somewhat more common than is currently believed.

And if you've never had them, good for you. I imagine if my sister and I had grown up in the same household, or if she weren't living with me, or if she was UGLY, then I wouldn't have these feelings for her. But, alas, I do...and there's not much I can do about it.

My sister is a good kid: she's very smart, does well in school, is musically and theatrically talented (as am I), she has alot of friends and even a boyfriend. I'm trying my hardest to give her a normal life, and as such I don't plan to reveal my feelings TO her. Her mother is dead, our father is an alcoholic and drug addict, and you're right: I'm the only father figure she has right now.

I imagine that shame and denial are major factors why there aren't support groups for people like me. Am I ashamed of it? of course...but at least I admit it and I'm not in denial about it. Just don't confuse me with a pedophile or a predator, k?
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7 years ago  ::  Mar 05, 2008 - 7:41PM #10
SatanicStalker
Posts: 719
From my study of psychology, I would say that yes, such feelings are common probably a LOT more common than most people would be willing to admit openly. I have even read that a significant number of adolescent siblings of roughly the same age engaged in some sort of sexual experimentation with one another, even excluding cases of abuse or unconsentual sexual activity. It's sometimes simply that you have an emerging sense of your own sexuality and there is another person going through the same thing, someone you know well and trust, so why not experiment?

Those are general statements, I know that you are not an adolescent and are not acting on your impulses.

I believe that thoughts, especially impulses, are largely uncontrollable. I know for one that thoughts come into my mind completely unbidden all the time. Therefore, there should be no moral judgement placed upon a person for novel thoughts that come unbidden to mind. It's totally natural and there's nothing you can do about it short of extremes such as lobotomies and suicide, which are not the solution.

Rather, I believe that morality applies to how you react to such thoughts. You are keeping the thoughts contained where they do not hurt anybody, and so you are doing the right thing. Sorry, I suppose that is technically a judgement, but I think it is at lest a useful, non-hurtful one. A different moral judgement would apply to someone in a similar situation as yours who did not intentionally act on it but allowed the thoughts to come between him and his sister and him and his wife. A very different judgement would apply to someone who acted on the impulse and caused direct damage to his sister and wife (and himself).

I would suggest that there is no need to be ashamed of such feelings, but of course shame is also a thought that comes unbidden of its own free will, and is not always controllable. But at least be comforted in the knowledge that what you are experiencing is normal and you are not at fault for anything. No damage has yet been done, and there is no reason that any should occur.

um no it's not normal for a 29 y/o man to lust after a 16 y/o.



Granted, I am a 20 year old heterosexual female, but I have a very hard time believing that this is true. It makes me laugh to tell the truth. I imagine that the majority of 29 year old heterosexual and bisexual men lust after 16 year old girls at least on occasion, though they might try to supress the thought or to deny it. But it's totally and completely natural. Again, not acting on it would probably be the right thing to do most of the time. But that is a separate issue from the thought.

My boyfriend once explained an aspect of male attraction to me this way.

Him: What do you imagine a 14 year old boy finds most attractive?
Me: I would guess a 14 year old girl.
Him: Yes. Now, as he grows up, becoming 16, 20, 25, 40, and 80, he starts being interested in 16 year olds, 20 year olds, 25 year olds, and so on. But that attraction to his first crush at 14 often never really goes away, it usually just gets written over or replaced by new attractions. But, that attraction is still there, under the surface.

And, of course, some men are capable of viewing a 16 year old as the unique and attractive young woman that she is and is becoming. It's not always about the 16 year old inside of him or the attraction to a general fertile-looking woman or the attraction of the forbidden.

~Stalker

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