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7 years ago  ::  Dec 17, 2007 - 1:02AM #1
novemberrain
Posts: 3
I have recently "recovered" from a series of bad relationships in which I was pressured to do many things sexually that my heart didn't feel was right.  All it took was one man and mis-prescribed happy pills to persuade me against a whole life's morals of "No-Sex-Before-Marriage."  Although I am technically still a virgin by society's standards, I don't always feel like a virgin by God's standards.

Within the past year, I've gotten off the medication and I met a man (a strong Christian) whose morals are even more outstanding than mine were before this whole ordeal.  We've been together 7 months now and I am completely in love and absolutely 100% sure beyond a doubt that this is the man I am going to marry.  He knows all about my past and he has forgiven and accepted me just as God has.  He made the vow many years ago not to have sex before marriage, and I still have the ring on my finger saying that I won't, but it just doesn't wear the same anymore.

Recently our feelings for each other have gotten to the point where we long to make love to each other, but our vows still remain.  In some times of intense emotions between us (as expected), I get extreme urges to make love to him...  To go against everything that I've set up for myself, not for selfish reasons anymore, but for love.  He reminds me again and again that his decision hasn't changed, and I know it won't, and if all goes according to plan we will be successful in our ideal "No-Sex-Before-Marriage" Relationship.

The problem I seem to be having is that this is my first experience with true love (and my last), and although I know we have plenty of time ahead of us, I have nagging thoughts at the back of my brain of my past experiences with sex.  1st, 2nd, and 3rd base have been passed repeatedly with other men (for which I regret every day of my life)...  And yet, by my standards I haven't been to second with the man I love.  That pains me inside, to know that another man has received more sexual pleasure from me than I have given to the man I truly love.  I don't know how to explain this to him, that sometimes it literally burns inside of me...  The fact that I have engaged in sexual acts with men that meant nothing to me...  And I can't touch the man who means the world to me, because of this vow...  A vow that has been 15/16ths broken...  I have engaged in everything BUT sexual intercourse with other men and I have only kissed my true love.  It pains to me to say it or to think of it, but I do, repeatedly...

This probably seems like a strange concept to whoever might be reading this, but I could use some insight from anyone who has acquired more common sense than me throughout the course of their life :)

God Bless.
Erin
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7 years ago  ::  Dec 17, 2007 - 9:50AM #2
VG59
Posts: 3,368
Erin,

First stop brow beating yourself over the past.  If you believe God has forgiven you, forgive yourself.

Recognize that you are a new and different person than in the past and stop comparing now with then.  You are now not that person that engaged in meaningless acts of physical intimacy.  What you are looking for now is much more and it is clear you are not that other person. You are giving yourself way too much pain ruminating over this.

As far as what to do now, you must keep your convictions.  (They aren't mine that is for certain) But they are yours and hold to them. 

That being said, why are you waiting for the vows?

I have never understood why two people completely in love who know that they are going to spend the rest of their lives together wait.  Some wait to have enough  money for a wedding.  A wedding does not a marriage make and it is superflous to wait for that. 

Some wait until certain things are settled in their lives before they get married.  To a certain degree this might be good as then people can devote the early days of their marriage to themselves rather than the focus be elsewhere. But the bottom line is there will always be something that will be distracting you from focusing on your mate and always be something that comes up when you will have to wait patiently while your honey has other tasks to focus on.  That is life.

I am forty something.  Part of me tells young people they have plenty of time, to wait, to take their time.  They are making a very big decision.  But if the decision is already truly made, what are you waiting for?
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7 years ago  ::  Dec 17, 2007 - 8:08PM #3
DustyLady
Posts: 430
Erin, I held on to my virginity until I was almost 40.  The reason that I had sex then was because I was afraid of being a 40-year-old virgin.  (This was long before the movie of the same name.)  And when I finally did "the deed," I have to say I was disappointed.  All of this build-up, and then what?

Oh, I liked the guy well enough.  But I was inexperienced enough that I didn't know what I liked in the way of sexual acts.  It wasn't until I did some experimenting, in a safe way, that I found out what it truly took for me to have an orgasm.  Now, I'm not trying to say that you should get out there and do what I did. 

But I am trying to say that you shouldn't feel guilty about having succumbed to temptation.  Instead of trying to put that experience out of your memory, use it.  Discuss with your intended what the two of you think sex is going to be like.  What do you feel is the purpose of sex?  Is it just for procreation, or is it some kind of ultimate expression of your love for each other?  If you both treat it as a subject to be kept in the closet, chances are that when you DO become intimate, you'll both be so stressed about it that you won't enjoy it.

I'm not trying to say that you should do it.  That's a decision only you and your boyfriend can make together.  I hope that when you do it, it's a wonderful experience for both of you.  In the meantime, embrace your bodies and their needs, in a chaste way, without running in fear from your desires.

Dusty
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7 years ago  ::  Dec 17, 2007 - 8:34PM #4
REteach
Posts: 14,549
So, why don't you just get married?
I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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7 years ago  ::  Dec 18, 2007 - 12:23AM #5
novemberrain
Posts: 3
[QUOTE=VG59;145083]Erin,

First stop brow beating yourself over the past.  If you believe God has forgiven you, forgive yourself.

Recognize that you are a new and different person than in the past and stop comparing now with then.  You are now not that person that engaged in meaningless acts of physical intimacy.  What you are looking for now is much more and it is clear you are not that other person. You are giving yourself way too much pain ruminating over this.

As far as what to do now, you must keep your convictions.  (They aren't mine that is for certain) But they are yours and hold to them. 

That being said, why are you waiting for the vows?

I have never understood why two people completely in love who know that they are going to spend the rest of their lives together wait.  Some wait to have enough  money for a wedding.  A wedding does not a marriage make and it is superflous to wait for that. 

Some wait until certain things are settled in their lives before they get married.  To a certain degree this might be good as then people can devote the early days of their marriage to themselves rather than the focus be elsewhere. But the bottom line is there will always be something that will be distracting you from focusing on your mate and always be something that comes up when you will have to wait patiently while your honey has other tasks to focus on.  That is life.

I am forty something.  Part of me tells young people they have plenty of time, to wait, to take their time.  They are making a very big decision.  But if the decision is already truly made, what are you waiting for?[/QUOTE]

I guess we're waiting for our vows for a number of reasons...  We want to be sure we're with the right person, we made this decision before we met each other, we don't want to let down our loved ones by breaking our vow (they are very supportive of the concept of abstinence and seem to feel it is the only way), and we want to make our wedding night special, I suppose.  I use the term "we" loosely...  My reasons have since been narrowed down to my loved ones' expectations of me and their moral belief that sex should be saved until marriage.  It's hard to discover your own beliefs with such expectations, but I'm pretty sure that I would make love to him in a heartbeat if I had the green light from him.  This is something that's been bothering me, because it's a lot harder for me to control myself nowadays...  I'm holding onto the fact that he still wants to wait, because I don't know how to talk to him about this...

[QUOTE=DustyLady;146637]Erin, I held on to my virginity until I was almost 40.  The reason that I had sex then was because I was afraid of being a 40-year-old virgin.  (This was long before the movie of the same name.)  And when I finally did "the deed," I have to say I was disappointed.  All of this build-up, and then what?

Oh, I liked the guy well enough.  But I was inexperienced enough that I didn't know what I liked in the way of sexual acts.  It wasn't until I did some experimenting, in a safe way, that I found out what it truly took for me to have an orgasm.  Now, I'm not trying to say that you should get out there and do what I did. 

But I am trying to say that you shouldn't feel guilty about having succumbed to temptation.  Instead of trying to put that experience out of your memory, use it.  Discuss with your intended what the two of you think sex is going to be like.  What do you feel is the purpose of sex?  Is it just for procreation, or is it some kind of ultimate expression of your love for each other?  If you both treat it as a subject to be kept in the closet, chances are that when you DO become intimate, you'll both be so stressed about it that you won't enjoy it.

I'm not trying to say that you should do it.  That's a decision only you and your boyfriend can make together.  I hope that when you do it, it's a wonderful experience for both of you.  In the meantime, embrace your bodies and their needs, in a chaste way, without running in fear from your desires.

Dusty[/QUOTE]

I'm not concerned about it being a wonderful experience, although sometimes I wonder if it will be as special to us with a "set date."  With our luck we'll be so tired after the reception that nothing will happen on our wedding night!  Now he would be fine with that, but by that point I'm sure I'll be so eager that I might have to strap him down.

[QUOTE=REteach;146695]So, why don't you just get married?[/QUOTE]

We're waiting for financial stability, although that's a tough thing to judge upon since he still has 4 years of college to look forward to and I won't be done with my training for another two months.  I was supposed to go to Nashville, but then I met him...  You just never know when God is going to surprise you and say "Oops!  You're going the wrong way.  Let me nudge you in a different direction."  Between him and my dreams, I chose him, and since then I've realized that he is my dream.  :)
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7 years ago  ::  Dec 18, 2007 - 12:30AM #6
milk_of_amnesia
Posts: 184
Well it sounds like you’ve got a keeper there so I don’t think that you want drive him off by pressuring him to have sex when he’s made it clear that he won’t do it until he’s married.The thing that you need to remind yourself of is that while the vow has been 15/16ths broken by you it hasn’t been broken by him.  I would suggest that you stop comparing this relationship to your past ones - it seems like this man rises above the rest anyway.  Just think of the future - if you wait until you are married, the man you love will then have received more sexual pleasure from you than the ones you have previously been with and possibly the knowledge of this may help wash away any remaining guilt you may have.  I know its hard to wait but in this case it seems worth it.  I would try to gain strength by following his lead.

Take care,

moa
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7 years ago  ::  Dec 18, 2007 - 7:34AM #7
VG59
Posts: 3,368
Erin,  You sound very young.  Very young people all go through what you are going through.  They either wait until marriage or they don't.  That is up to you.  Don't brow beat yourself either way.  Too much guilt.  Make a decision that you think is best FOR YOURSELVES and stop worrying about the famiy.  Trust me, the famiy won't be there to make your happiness X amount of years from now, you and him hopefully will. 

If you are older that I think, (18-24) maybe the whole thing about financial stability is just wanting things perfect.  If you wait for something that doesn't necessarily occur in most people's lifetime you will be waiting a long time. 

And if you are older than I think, what is this man still doing without a education?
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7 years ago  ::  Dec 18, 2007 - 7:37AM #8
VG59
Posts: 3,368
I just saw another flag, "Between him and my dreams I choose him........" 

Honey if you have to choose a man over your dream you are already on the path of denying WHO YOU ARE to be with someone else.  Eventually that catches up with you and bites you big time in the ass.  Seriously consider this.

There are many many men out there you can be compatible with WITHOUT compromising YOUR DREAMS and who YOU ARE.  Don't compromise youself.

And please be careful about making a MAN your DREAMS.  The all too often on the journey fail us miserbly and when they do, we are left with nothing, NADA, ZILCHO.  That is one heck of a vulnerable position you are choosing to place yourself in. 

Be in complete fulfillment without a man.  From that point find a partner that you will enjoy sharing your life experiences with.
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7 years ago  ::  Dec 18, 2007 - 9:00AM #9
qtbabe
Posts: 823
Hi Erin,

I would suggest that you explain it to him exactly how you feel like the way you described on your first post.  I felt your pain of just reading it.  I think if you can release some of that pain in you by telling him how you truly feel, the urge for that need will be reduced in some level.  The temptation won't go away, but at least you shared some of that pain with him and he might have the same feeling as yours.

Best wishes and Happy Holidays
QT:)
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7 years ago  ::  Dec 18, 2007 - 10:44AM #10
shiloh43
Posts: 423
I am not sure what to tell you except that in the long run you need to findf out if you can even be with him like that. i got married way top soon and inexperienced in that way, and it took me years to find out what I really want, and by just going with my feelings and basically getting tired of being controlled that way also, and now I am ina sexless marriage and scared to death that I will never get to experience the whole seduction and making love thing with a man that wants the same thing as me. You really need to find out if hes even compatiable with you that way before saying I do or it could be a mistake. I mean if you aremnt into some of the wild and kinky things that he is, then you dont need to be with him. Oh by the way really kinky is what i call the whips and all that stuff. I wanted to make that clear. I am not into bondaage and all that sadistic stuff.
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