((Lyasin))

It is strange sometimes the pain we need to go through to find peace and strength.  It sounds as if you are doing an excellent job of it.

"My Life's Fragrance"
By: Latif Yasin

“Our Souls have a passion for truth. Our aspiration for truth is God longing for God. A passionate commitment for truth is the way and the goal. Seeking truth is not about accumulating knowledge but about awakening to the heart of Reality- by living and becoming truth” (The Fragrance of Faith: The Enlightened Heart of Islam; By- Jamal Rahman)

Reaching life's pure fragrance is not a small obstacle that can be surpassed in a day. There will always be that one immense barrier that will grasp you back from being true to yourself. Each and every individual regardless of their age, gender, religion, ethnicity, or sexual orientation endures roadblocks in life. Life has its fair share of obstacles, for some more than others, but everything happens for a reason. The expression, “Everything happens for a reason” may seem cliché and overused but at the end of the day, there is a reason behind everything. In actuality, you can decipher out the reasons of why you failed a test, for example, because you most likely didn't study. However, can we figure out why an individual is gay? Science can go so far, but cannot elucidate the exact reasons as to why someone is homosexual. Ultimately, those questions cannot be answered by us beings. Moreover, LGBT individuals shouldn't have to justify why they are the way they are, because in my eyes, being attracted to the same-sex is more superior then just a feeling, it's an unchangeable part of you that is more authentic then anything else. Furthermore, a homosexual shouldn't under any circumstance show justification as to why they are this way because it's not some court case where one must show evidence and facts to support themselves.

Like most teenagers who finally realize their gay, I went through the same phases but with an added grief to it which sets me apart from the rest. I've endured a vast amount of pain and sorrow the past two years of my life because I went from losing my father in a matter of minutes to coming to a realization of my homosexuality at the age of sixteen. When my beloved father passed away on November 9th of my sophomore year, I felt like my heart shattered into small pieces and thrown into a dark cave. It took my mom twenty seconds for her to say, “Your dad is no more”, for me to embark on a journey that would consist of grief, depression, self-reflection, sexuality issues, inner angst, questioning religion and the concept of a predetermined life, but finally discovering the way out of the dark cave with more confidence and inner strength than I ever imagined.

Before my fathers passing, I was somewhat intact with my religion. I guess the reason for being “somewhat” than solidly together with my faith is because my parents tried straining me into learning and practicing the religion. If my dad hadn't passed away, I probably would've still been blinded by the misleading and enigmatic light that I had been the past sixteen years of my life. I'm not in anyway trying to point out that my dad dying was a good thing because it wouldn't come close to the word “good”, rather I wouldn't be the person I am at this very moment: self-assured and open with my homosexuality while finding that constant connection with God.

As I was exiting the denial and guilt of my dad's passing, I entered an emotionally traumatic depression , I confirmed a sheer truth about my identity. I couldn't conceal this mentally sickening ordeal that I was going through because in my eyes, being gay is unalterable. Can an individual change what sex they are attracted to and get sexually aroused by? Until this day, science or religion cannot change who you are and make you heterosexual. The conflict of choice, predestined state, and being born with homosexuality comes into conflict. This is another reason why I was questioning God and religion a year ago. “Well, If in Islam, most things in life are predetermined , then God must have known that I would turn out gay, hence why would he make me into someone that is austerely condemned in Islam?” All of these are valid questions that come into play in society, which makes it a life-long journey not only for me, but countless other homosexual individuals, especially Gay Muslim youth and adults.

Knowing that one day, there is a great chance that my own mother will be heart broken and crushed is disheartening and has and will cause much emotional turmoil. I went through denying my own self, to trying to change who I am, but finally coming out the closet when reality hit me. The “reality cloud” is a level that not many of my peers are living on today. While living in the moment may seem less stressful and more exhilarating, I believe that in the long-run, it won't work out. When individuals go through emotionally scarring phases, it's hard to come out of it, better yet, coming out a much stronger and positive person.

Despite going through the grief, the depression, and the “coming out of the closet” phase, I realized something. It was on my dad's one year anniversary of his passing. As I sat close to where my dad was buried, on the hard cold ground, I closed my eyes and read whatever Surah that came into my mind. Roughly a minute later, the sun which was not in that days weather forecast shined onto me and my dad's gravestone. My eye's lavished with tears and with one single blink of my eyes, the droplets rushed down and fell onto the ground. I started sobbing heavily but my mind gradually shifted and I reached a peaceful state of being at that very moment. I had released all the emotional discomfort and the anger that was in my soul in those tender minutes and God gave me a gift in return. God let me see how it felt to be in that unconditional, pure state of being that I was longing for. I believe that I was given that moment of pure blissful fragrance in my life because I was true to myself. I didn't hide the tears, I didn't say “I'm not gay”, I didn't hold anything back.

Prophet Muhammad (p.b.u.h) once declared: “Even if you put the Sun in my right hand and the moon in my left hand, I shall never waver from the Truth”. The pursuit of truth and being honest to ourselves is not an easy task, but not impossible either. Living and becoming truth pleases God, therefore being gay and accepting myself was the only thing I would do. While it may seem as a taboo in my family and through traditional Islamic ego's, I'm going to follow what my mind, body, and soul affirm. It's through my innermost experiences in life that ultimate truth becomes manifested.

In a very bizarre way, I am grateful for going through the emotional trauma I did, because it helped me realize that searching for inner truth takes patience. “Allah is with those who patiently persevere” (Surah Al-Baqarah 2:153) The Quran consistently emphasizes on patience because when the Prophet (p.b.u.h) was faced with difficulties, he was asked to be patient. “The patience shown by the moon to the dark night keeps it illumined; the patience shown by the rose to the thorn keeps it fragrant” (Rumi). Living truthfully helped me be immeasurably open minded, it helped me brush off the diminutive remarks that ignorant people make, it helped me reach out to people who are in need of a helping hand, it helped me reach the path that not many are strong enough to take, but most of all, it made me the person that I once thought I would never be able to become.