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Switch to Forum Live View Separated from addicted wife and torn up
5 years ago  ::  May 30, 2013 - 8:40AM #1
Ox1216
Posts: 3
Hey folks....bare with me but there a lot of details that's have bought mhearer reaching out for unbiasis advice.

in 2011 my wife of of 13 years (known each other 16) and I decided we were going to divorce. She had developed an addiction to pain pills and she became overly flirty with other men on Facebook. Leading up to our decession she spent the day either on the couch crushing pills, or on face book talking to other men. It never event to anything physical but it ate me up. I spent the day maintaining the house and taking care of the kids. pic did ALL the shopping, PTA meetings, sports practices and games, along with all the cooking and cleaning. SIDE NOTE.....HATS OFF TO THE STAY AT HOME PARENT....I DIDN'T KNOW HOW HARD IT WAS UNTIL NOW. 

Our plan was that March 2012 we would move out of the house and rent it out for a profit....that profit would go to her and what ever the judge decided shower was entitled to she would also get. So according to the plan mom even out. Well she didn't. In fact Ashe was surprised I did. She a thought I wouldn't actually do it. As a result the profit we were suppose to get to heldp support her we didn't get, and she was in our home with bills mounting and the house falling behind. My 18 year old daughter stayed with her and the 13 year old boy came with me. He saw his mom at least 3 times a week but she wasn't capable of taking care of him. I had to call to make sure he did his school work, showered, got up for school , ate etc etc.....

we went to court and they gave me a tremporary order of what to pay and the case has been continued 5 times and we are closer to finishing it. The next court date is June 25th.

Since we separated I HAVE NOT dated....I'm not really interested in that. I left my wife because of her refusal to get healthy I love her more then anything and I praGED over this last year we would get back together.

In september 2012 her father (who lived with us) passed away from lung cancer. She was VERY close to him and this was a terrible blow to her. I wanted to help her , but she refused to go to rehab and got worse with her self medication.

In December 2012 she had moved out of our home and met guy younger man through a friend of hers. This guy is an x con who served time and even delt drugs at one point. Having said that the 2 of them became a couple and she was "having a good time" as it turns out this guy was using my wife for her life insurance money, sex and a place to live. 

now the mortgage was behind and the home was in such a condition I could not rent it out.

february 2013 I ran into her at a store in our town......WOW!, she looked amazing and clean!!!!!! This really screwed with my head !! I could rarely get her to go out with me much less get her all dressed up. She had told me the she was working with her doctor on getting off the pills and felt great. I said if you're doing that why the heck are we getting a divorce. She agreed! 
 

We started to reconnect and we figured a way to save our home and we want to move back in......here's the part that has me so confused.  She opened up to me and saiI " I do love that other guy but I realize I have no future with him. You are may family and I want us all back together. I love you and you're my husband and in time I'll stop loving the other guy". WHAT?! What do you do with that?

So for the last 3 weeks we've been cleaning the house to prepare for a move back in there.....the kids are excited about being back with all their friends and I'm excited to....I miss the home. In order to save our home we have to declare chapter 13. Yesterday I went to pick her up and she looked like a mess. She was upset and I believe she was coming off a high. Looks like she's relapsing. Time is NOT on our side with our home and IWW went to the attorneys office and that went great. We can save our home! On the way back we argued...she felt abandoned and wanted to know why I left. my side was simple it was the pills and Facebook plus she had at least six months to prepare. Having said that to her I took the blame anyway and told her how sorry I was I left and it would never happen again. This last year has hnimble me and inspired me that no matter what the problem you as a couple have to fight through it! She went on to say she was sad she got rid of the the other guy even though she knows he's no good for her. That really screwed my head up. 

so here I am days from moving back in with a wife who still has a drug issue and a "broken heart of another man" but " wants and needs me back, kids who are both excited. (side note my daughter has been out of control and i feel like she needs a stable home to settle back down...the boy is an all star athlete and doing great) and me more confused then ever. 

Is there a "right" move? i feel like if I move back in its going to be very difficult but it's my wife's only chance at a clean life. I also feel like if I go through with the divorce it will push her in the direction of the jobless drug dealing guy she "loves"

if anyone can offer ANY advice I would greatly appreciate it.......my heart wants my family back and I want to fight for it.


alan 
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5 years ago  ::  Jun 02, 2013 - 10:38AM #2
Ox1216
Posts: 3

Jun 2, 2013 -- 10:28AM, Seth163rd wrote:

Hey Ox% man your story rings so many bells with me and family experience%. My iPad is jacked and writing from phone is hard but I got more to say on this. You got one tough situation-,couple questions n I'll write more soon I fix my iPad this week! I have lots of experience with addiction. Tell me you love.your wife...what is this love? Not clear from your post, but this will.base my response. Pray pray and more prayer. keep your chin up brother.





Before the pills she was the best mother and my best friend. She did everything with and for the kids which allowed me to focus on my career. I just retired from the Washington, D.C. Police department. I'm 40 now..... Over these last years I would see flashes of that woman....and when she's COMPLETELY sober WOW! Sometimes I feel like its just wishful thinking on my part, but the other part of me believes I can't give up on her. She's also the one person on earth I've ever felt completely comfortable with.....



theres also a part of me that fears if I completely let her go she's doomed to a life that will end in tradaHonest honestly feelife we were back in our home with a "stable" environmenit with the 4 of us as a family unit she would be even more motivated to get and stay clean. However if I stay away I feel like the divide between her, the kids and me will just get bigger and she'll feel like "what's the point" and just slip deeper into the self destructive ways. It's so hard to walk away from someowho you've known for 16+ years. Sorry for the ramrambling 



Alan

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5 years ago  ::  Jun 03, 2013 - 2:51PM #3
Ox1216
Posts: 3

Jun 3, 2013 -- 2:31PM, Seth163rd wrote:


Hey Ox - well I started to think through my answer now that I got my ipod back up -  hurray technology!!, and then I re-read your question, which, was actually, is there a right move?So let me preface this through saying I think there might be but only you know what it is, and one thing I know is no one ever really knows what goes in inside the closed bedroom/home of a marriage. I am think ing you probably got a lot of friends and well meaning folks with strong opinions in this type of case and I could see why you came for unbiased advice!! I went through that and everyone had such strongs feelings I did not know where to turn.  you and my’s situations are a little similar, well me about ten years ago anyways and hey I’m 50!!,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,So first off I take what I say with a gfrain of salt as I can only base on my own experience and so there could be plenty of things not direct to your case. Second since I see you retired cop and I am army blood well I am guessing you won’t mind me cutting to the chase. don’t they teach us to talk the straight facts no BS! that’s where police and military intersect but so somethings I may say may be hard to hear but hopefully get you thinking through.,,,,,,,,,,,,,first off, I know you got good health insurance, so get in with a counselor. I needed some at one point from my army work and it was good, really good. us ‘tough guys’ may think this is not the way to go but I am here to say that it is no weakness to talk to a pro and it helped me with a lot… I MEAN A LOT. you should not shy way from that if you might be inclined to,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Second you probably have been told but have you ever heard of al anon or narc-anon,,, look into it. What I learned through my experiences with alcoholism (mother, ex-wife, and some uncles) and then through al anon is a lot of people who stay a long time with a person who is treating them bad, which happens to correspond to addiction, is they have what called a codependence. I really think kyou should read up on it. There is a website called psychforums that has lots of support and good people and covers relationship issues, addiction, and it is more active than this one. I like belief net for the postings but the forums are a little weak to be honest/not too active!,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,again I am not there but what had me thinking is, you said when your wife mentioned being abandoned you took the blame. this is classic codependence behavior, taking the blame and not holding the other to account. (don’t take it wrong we all do it and GOD knows I done it big time in my past.) she will never get better if she doesn’t learn her roles and decisions. it’s like having a kid and what if they never know they are responsible, they don’t do their homework and you blame the teacher, how will they ever learn. my experience also is that addiction cause people to make a lot of promises, and spouses/friends/kids of addicts take what other people would call abuse and accept it. I am really hopeful your wife is getting better and it is a good sign she has gotten rid of the bad news guy.,,,,,,,,,,,,,, so what you need to be is be brutal on yourself with facts and figures and bear out the honest truth to yourself. what other signs do you have she is better? has she shown remorse for her time on the interet flirting with these other guys. has she shown thanks for all you did holding the house together (PTA! no!! wink, wink) you said she feel abandoned but did she ever worry if you felt abandoned while she was on her highs and left you run the show. And another brutal honest question as your best friend what is she doing now to show her friendship. I pray it’s a lot and she sound like she was a great lady before all this.  If she is really linking up to you to understand you, is she showing her being sorry for how her shacking up with/holding feelings for the guy might be hurting you, and be there for you and feel those feelings with you then you will know. (man I hear myself talk like I done a lot of time in a shrink’s office!) if she is better than now I guess you will also know she is sharing the ‘day to days’ that;s the house fix up work with you, she is now coming to the school meetings, sporting events. and what has me a little worried is first, she had the high recently, second, if she is motivated by living together with the family unit, why she didn’t get better until she was with the other guy? why didn’t doing all that moticate her before. on the other hand, I don’t know you didn’t mention if she was trying to get help for awhile or making efforts by going to NA meetings or seeing a doctor then that shows she was trying but just not there yet. just ask what is motivating her, because having kids should be motivating enough and why she done it only once she “loved” the money/drug guy,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,lastly bro, the rescue instinct is what is part of the codependence. it sounds nice and is well meaning in trying to be there for someone or save them. but consider what did this person treat you like. co dependent (like I was) because of their feelings about ourselves will keep running back to a person who abuse them and sadly in my case, even push away the ones who did care. this is where my story crosses yours a little in me trying to save things with my wife no matter how bad she would treat me due to her addiction and this even felt for me “comfortable/normal” and the rescue type of codependent person they will take the abuse and try to help the other person to avoid looking at what is wrong with them!! that is me, I was so long seeing her issues and using as a way to avoid my own, which is a whole other long story for another day! == but sometime you gotta stop looking what is wrong with them or saving them and ask yourself, what is it about ME that accepts this abuse and keep coming back for more. now here I reading a lot into and my situation was bad far worse it sounds, as you main abuse was the guys and the house neglect but in my case it was verbal fights, yelling insults and what have you and worse at times. I shutter to think back.. and I called it LOVE and it was in some ways but not really. now I know different.,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,What I saw too with my dad and mom was my dad was always reaching to her and thinking the best, she really just used the stability to feed her habits. I went through a similar thing in my marriage thank god I moved past all that now but that was a long path of self realization. so I said a lot but bottom line, you need to talk to someone, read up on addiction and codependence, check out psychforums. I think that is all I got. and most important, pray for wisdom and for god’s hand to move, cannot emphasize prayer and patience enough… don’t make any moves until you are on straight footing cause you don’t want to jerk your kids around. be sure once you take the next step. I will be praying too for your wife and your family. any other questions shoot! I tend to write a lot but will keep my next responses briefer, that’s my promise. in prayer, Seth





Seth .....thank you so much for taking the time, care , and thought into your response. I'm in therapy now and man is it awesome. The Doctor hasn't waved a magic wond and made things all better...she's giving me coping tools and helping me talk myself off the edge. I'm looking into the a non meetings!!! Man....the check with the "man in the mirror " is scary. Be honest with myself I think there are some issues there that I do need to work through. The encouraging thinis are nights like last night. We all went out to dinner and she was totally sober and WOW.....the evening was so nice and just feeds my hope that she can bring it together.



The road ahead is long and hard, my expectations are managed. I'm in prayer every day and I'm putting God first. If it doesn't work it's only because God didn't want it to, and he has something better and if that's true HOLY cow I'm going to be really happy. Either way I will be happy and that's what I focus on.




Seth....if ANYTHING else crosses your mind ...please reach out....as a city cop I like to cut to the chase as well....you won't offend me because no know it all comes from a place of love, so how can you be upset about that. Have a blessed day.



alan





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5 years ago  ::  Jun 14, 2013 - 3:27AM #4
Seth163rd
Posts: 1

Hey there man% I am writing from Italy on route (TDY, I hate this sometimes... in case you watch the news much,,,,,,,do't hate as much as my girlfiend though!) LOL so it the middle of the nite over there assuming you are state0side,,,,,,,, hope this isn't set to ring alarm bells on your computer!!! Hope things are going great. Listen up and long story short man, you seem like a real upright guy and so I don't know quite how to bring this out but wanted to suggest you to delete your posts on the thread here. This site seems not be as anaonymous as you or i might have thought...Me knowing what you are going through right now, wanted to let you know. may consider for your upload pic too...hop ing all is well with you. PM anytime, and in prayer as always, Seth

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4 years ago  ::  Aug 01, 2013 - 9:24PM #5
rideronthastorm
Posts: 9,223

WHAT????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????OMG Ive been here for 10 years do you mean to tell me someone could be stalking me and I wouldnt know it? Im freaked out now I had no idea. Maybe I need to wipe off my profile pics too. HOLY COW.


My Mom has been a recovering alcoholic of 32 years and actually if you hadnt  gone for help i was going to suggest alanon,Im just starting to go for myself as well.

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