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Switch to Forum Live View UK: Classes in Husband-Hunting?
2 years ago  ::  Jun 18, 2012 - 1:42PM #11
mytmouse57
Posts: 9,782

Well, maybe it beats hanging out at the laudromat, waiting for the right guy or gal to walk in...

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2 years ago  ::  Jun 18, 2012 - 2:24PM #12
TemplarS
Posts: 6,924

You know, these days marriage is complicated by the fact that people (mostly, but not solely, women) simply have more choices with what to do with their lives.


In the old days, you fell in love with someone, that was it.  You'd live your lives in the same old town or village, doing what your parents did.  I grew up in the 60s and 70s, hardly the real "old days", but I went to the same high school as my parents did.  How many kids today can say that?  People in the previous generations routinely married their high school sweethearts.  That doesn't happen much anymore.


So I think it's more than just love and attraction or even being supportive of each other.  Couples have to want the same things out of life and have the same priorities.  Being a two career couple puts a lot of strain on things, especially geographical. What if one spouse is offered their dream job in Arizona, and the other in Maine?  You can't just compromise and move to Missouri.


 

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2 years ago  ::  Jun 18, 2012 - 4:37PM #13
mytmouse57
Posts: 9,782

Jun 18, 2012 -- 2:24PM, TemplarS wrote:


You know, these days marriage is complicated by the fact that people (mostly, but not solely, women) simply have more choices with what to do with their lives.


In the old days, you fell in love with someone, that was it.  You'd live your lives in the same old town or village, doing what your parents did.  I grew up in the 60s and 70s, hardly the real "old days", but I went to the same high school as my parents did.  How many kids today can say that?  People in the previous generations routinely married their high school sweethearts.  That doesn't happen much anymore.


So I think it's more than just love and attraction or even being supportive of each other.  Couples have to want the same things out of life and have the same priorities.  Being a two career couple puts a lot of strain on things, especially geographical. What if one spouse is offered their dream job in Arizona, and the other in Maine?  You can't just compromise and move to Missouri.


 




People focus too much on the lovey-dovey side, and forget the pragmatic aspects of selecting a life partner, IMO.


Also, I think far too much is made over having "common interests."


You're supposed to be selecting a partner, an equal in the daunting task of forming a household and raising a family -- not a recreational playmate. 


Common values, IMO, are far more important that common interests.


My wife an I share a few interests, but for the most part, we are quite different from one another -- in our interests, tastes, backgrounds, personalities, etc.


But, we have common core values. So, our differences in personality, interests and such can bring variety and balance, without creating too much conflict. 


If anything, do not look for somebody just like, or too much like yourself. That will just get boring really quickly. 


Also, if you marry somebody too much like yourself, you run the risk of having the same strenghts and weaknesses. That's another great thing about my wife and I. Because we are so different, our strenghts and weaknesses balance one another out. 


Dating as a way to meet or get to know potential spouses can be worse than useless, IMO. Most "dates" center on entertianment activites -- not a good way to determine how you and that other person will handle stress and challenges together.


People date, and then get married -- which is back-asswards, IMO. Marriage is when you whould start dating. Especially once kids are involved, the couple needs getaway time. Take your wife/husband on a date!


Anyway, that's my two cents. Past that, I have no idea -- it's a crap shoot. 

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2 years ago  ::  Jun 18, 2012 - 4:56PM #14
rangerken
Posts: 16,408

I don't know what they're teaching in the UK, but MY requirements for a woman to be my wife were...


1. Good looks, meaning attractive face and trim, fit figure, and healthy, with the inevitable effects of aging understood and accepted as long as she stays as fit as it is possible for her to remain (At 68 and 65 respectively I'm no longer the 29 year old ranger officer I was and Mary Clare is no longer the 26 year old fomer Mardis Gras Queen, ballet dancer, and athletic army officer she was when we met and married.)


2. Good in bed and enthusiastic about it and willing to be monogamous, and expects the same from me and arguments are never, ever, not once, brought into the bedroom, by either of us


3. Wants children, wants to be the primary care giver while children are in elementary school, willing to subordinate any career for mothehood, and capable of extreme violence to protect the childen and the home and not the least bit of a pacifist!...and she expects me to kill if necessary to protect her and our childen.


4. As intelligent or more so than me


5. Well able to take care of and support herself, and has proven it by doing it, but perfectly willing to be cared for and syupported by me


6. Ladylike when and where necessary and never an embarrassment


7. NOT remotely a religious fanatic or fundamnalist, but preferrably a 'believer'


8. Well educated, with at least a bachelor's degree


9. Decent cook and intested in becoming better


10. Expects to be responsible for my satisfction with the understanding and expectation that I am responsible for her satisfaction... in all areas and respects


I am pleased to say that my wife first, met every requirement before we were married, and second has continued to meet them for the past 39 years and four months...and I believe I met and continue to meet hers. That being the case, I expect we'll keep each other.


Oh yeah...we fell in love with each other...still are in fact. Why we even share our handguns at the range!


Words cannot express how much contempt I hold the many...too many...idiotic things some so called experts prattle on about regarding marrriage. Either you love each other or you don't...period...and either you work out how to live together or you don't...period. Both sets of our parents did!


So...classes to find a mate???... hear my hysteical laughter!!!!


Ken

Libertarian, Conservative, Life member of the NRA and VFW
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2 years ago  ::  Jun 18, 2012 - 5:09PM #15
TemplarS
Posts: 6,924

Jun 18, 2012 -- 4:37PM, mytmouse57 wrote:


People focus too much on the lovey-dovey side, and forget the pragmatic aspects of selecting a life partner, IMO.


Also, I think far too much is made over having "common interests."


You're supposed to be selecting a partner, an equal in the daunting task of forming a household and raising a family -- not a recreational playmate. 


Common values, IMO, are far more important that common interests.


My wife an I share a few interests, but for the most part, we are quite different from one another -- in our interests, tastes, backgrounds, personalities, etc.


But, we have common core values. So, our differences in personality, interests and such can bring variety and balance, without creating too much conflict. 


If anything, do not look for somebody just like, or too much like yourself. That will just get boring really quickly. 


Also, if you marry somebody too much like yourself, you run the risk of having the same strenghts and weaknesses. That's another great thing about my wife and I. Because we are so different, our strenghts and weaknesses balance one another out. 




I think that's absolutely right.  You also need to have common goals and expectations.  It's okay to have kids, or not have kids.  It's okay for one partner to work outside the home, or not work outside the home.  But you better be able to agree on things like that, or this is where resentments build up in a hurry.



 

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2 years ago  ::  Jun 18, 2012 - 6:32PM #16
CharikIeia
Posts: 8,301

Jun 18, 2012 -- 4:56PM, rangerken wrote:


Words cannot express how much contempt I hold the many...too many...idiotic things some so called experts prattle on about regarding marrriage.



Like the 10 criteria you just talked about, LOL!



Either you love each other or you don't...period...



You seem not to take your own criteria serious at all then?


Why prattle them down to us?



So...classes to find a mate???... hear my hysteical laughter!!!!



There are places for treatment, both for choosing inadequate mates, and for hysteria. Nobody needs to suffer from the false pride of being immune to improvement.

tl;dr
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2 years ago  ::  Jun 18, 2012 - 6:38PM #17
Erey
Posts: 19,146

I thought this little find of mine is very relevant to the topic at hand:


 


www.economist.com/blogs/prospero/2012/06...


 


General intelligence is very important in modern life because our environment is almost entirely evolutionarily novel. Most of the problems that we have to solve today—how to excel in school, how to find jobs, how to do virtually everything on a computer—are evolutionarily novel. So intelligent people do well in almost every sphere of modern life, except for the most important things, like how to find a mate, how to raise a child, how to make friends. Intelligence does not confer any advantage for solving all the evolutionarily familiar problems that our ancestors encountered. More intelligent people do not have any advantage in finding mates and often have disadvantages.


 


So basically your kids need help in choosing a mate!  Even your smart kids, maybe especially your gifted students. 


I think this is true so many really intelligent accomplished people make what are clearly dumbass marriage choices.  I think where I differ from the author is I don't see the disadvantage the intelligent have over the less intelligent.  Just it is more surprising in the intelligent, for me anyway. 

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2 years ago  ::  Jun 20, 2012 - 12:08PM #18
BDboy
Posts: 6,174

Jun 18, 2012 -- 4:56PM, rangerken wrote:


I don't know what they're teaching in the UK, but MY requirements for a woman to be my wife were...


1. Good looks, meaning attractive face and trim, fit figure, and healthy, with the inevitable effects of aging understood and accepted as long as she stays as fit as it is possible for her to remain (At 68 and 65 respectively I'm no longer the 29 year old ranger officer I was and Mary Clare is no longer the 26 year old fomer Mardis Gras Queen, ballet dancer, and athletic army officer she was when we met and married.)


2. Good in bed and enthusiastic about it and willing to be monogamous, and expects the same from me and arguments are never, ever, not once, brought into the bedroom, by either of us


3. Wants children, wants to be the primary care giver while children are in elementary school, willing to subordinate any career for mothehood, and capable of extreme violence to protect the childen and the home and not the least bit of a pacifist!...and she expects me to kill if necessary to protect her and our childen.


4. As intelligent or more so than me


5. Well able to take care of and support herself, and has proven it by doing it, but perfectly willing to be cared for and syupported by me


6. Ladylike when and where necessary and never an embarrassment


7. NOT remotely a religious fanatic or fundamnalist, but preferrably a 'believer'


8. Well educated, with at least a bachelor's degree


9. Decent cook and intested in becoming better


10. Expects to be responsible for my satisfction with the understanding and expectation that I am responsible for her satisfaction... in all areas and respects


I am pleased to say that my wife first, met every requirement before we were married, and second has continued to meet them for the past 39 years and four months...and I believe I met and continue to meet hers. That being the case, I expect we'll keep each other.


Oh yeah...we fell in love with each other...still are in fact. Why we even share our handguns at the range!


Words cannot express how much contempt I hold the many...too many...idiotic things some so called experts prattle on about regarding marrriage. Either you love each other or you don't...period...and either you work out how to live together or you don't...period. Both sets of our parents did!


So...classes to find a mate???... hear my hysteical laughter!!!!


Ken




 


>>>>>>> RK,


I am a little younger than you. However I found many similarities in our values and priorities when it comes to family. :-)


Congratualtions to you and your Mrs for making your marriage work so nicely. Thanks for sharing your wisdom with us.


My best wishes to you and your family....

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2 years ago  ::  Jun 20, 2012 - 7:43PM #19
Ebon
Posts: 10,148

Maybe it's just me but I find the idea of classes in getting a husband rather disconcerting. The romantic in me would like to think the process of forming a relationship would be more organic than that.


That said, I also think that most of the concepts we get taught about what makes a marriage (or similar relationship) work are pretty much hooey anyway. Kat and I don't share many interests, we don't share the same politics (she's even further left than me), we don't have kids and don't want any, we don't even share the same faith. All the marriage guides say we should have split up years ago. But we've been together and mostly happy (the usual ups-and-downs aside) for ten and a half years now.

He who oppresses the poor shows contempt for their Maker, but whoever is kind to the needy honors God. ~ Proverbs 14:31

Fiat justitia, ruat caelum

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2 years ago  ::  Jun 28, 2012 - 4:00AM #20
Merope
Posts: 10,588

This thread was moved from the Hot Topics Zone.

Merope | Beliefnet Community Manager
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