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Switch to Forum Live View Need help in 9 year relationship
6 years ago  ::  May 27, 2012 - 4:08PM #1
Posts: 1
Hello everyone. I met my significant other 9 years ago. We hit it off instantly. He was from the north, and I was born and raised in the south. After visiting his family for a few months, he went back home, but didn't want to leave me. The next month my kids and I moved where he was. It was difficult getting adjusted to city life, and we struggled a lot. He I found was immature, and didn't want to work. I found a job a few months after moving up here. He I felt wasn't ready to be in a relationship. He is 5 years younger than me. We eventually moved into our own house. I paid all of the bills. It was not easy trying to make him understand that he needed to contribute. On into the relationship, because of the stress, and his constant immaturity, I started to get blood pressure issues. It got so bad, I had to dial 911 because my blood pressure was so high! The ambulance driver, was very compassionate, told me, that I was young, and didn't need to be stressed out by a person who seemed not to care about me. My boyfriend didn't even come with me to the hospital. I cried so much, when I was admitted and in my room alone. They finally got my blood pressure down, and my boyfriend did come get me from the hospital. I became so bitter, and negative,because of his actions towards me, and him telling me not to speak to people, or talk to them. He would tell me people in the city are not trustworthy, and use your information against you etc, etc. So I would not talk to anyone, I would stay in the house while he was constantly in the streets. Not even realizing it, I sunk deep into a depression. I tried to lift my spirits by praying, and when it seemed like that wasn't working, I sought out psychics. Needless to say, things didn't get better. They would get better for a little while, then turn bad very quickly. My boyfriend has spit in my face, kicked me in my stomach. I should have left then , but I loved him so much. About a year after we smoothed things over, we got along fine. One night I went jogging, and was feeling a sensation like I had to have a bowel movement. We get home, I take a shower, the sensation came back again. So I get on the toilet to poop. Well, only I didn't have to poop! The worst pain in my life hit me so hard, I tried to call out to my bf, luckily he has good ears and heard me, took one look at my face and dialed 911. I get to the hospital, the pain was horrific!! I was tol to pee in a cup. The lady comes back to me a few minutes later telling me i'm pregnant?!? I was in total shock! After years of trying, I thought I could never get pregnant anymore. They came and took me to have a transvaginal ultrasound, and that's where they learned the baby was in my tube. I was devastated, and just hurting deep inside. They took my left tube, and the baby. I was around 2 months. Since then I haven't gotten pregnant since! I know the Lord closed my womb, but I want to give my bf a child. As of late he has changed. He got a job, treats me very good, doesn't disrespect me, and help pay the bills. It's just that now I am so bitter, I feel like the Lord is punishing me for having an abortion years ago. I have lost my faith, I feel all messed up inside, and I am so full of negativity, it seems as if I can't break free. I know me and my boyfriend will eventually part ways, because he wants a child that I can't, it seems give him. Sometimes I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again. I have 3 children, all from a previous relationship. They all are teenagers. My oldest graduates next year. I know if it wan't for the I would have been killed myself. I need to find my God, my faith, and light again. I am so void of anything, I don't know how. Sorry for the life history.
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6 years ago  ::  May 27, 2012 - 8:09PM #2
Posts: 719

Welcome to the boards here, Sad Soul. 

I get the impression that you already know this, but perhaps do not understand what it means: I think it is very likely that you are suffering from depression. Depression is not a character flaw or personal weakness, nor a punishment from God. Depression is an illness. If you have not done so, please please please talk to a mental health professional. You are not crazy, but these depressed feelings and thoughts of death are symptoms that can be adressed and treated. I've been through it myself, and there is an enormous world of difference between living life with depression and living life without it. Seeking out help is not a sign of weakness, it's a sign of strength. 

Your concern about fertility could be related. As an evolutionary adaptation, a woman's body can sense when things are not right and not normal, and often "turn down" fertility to compensate. A lot of women find that their periods are late when they travel, because they're not ovulated while they travel. Depression is no different. Your body can tell that something is not right, and thus it might not be the best time to introduce the complications of pregnancy and childrearing. 

That said, I personally would advise you against having a child with this man. I understand that you love him, but in reality, love is not enough for the stable, nurturing relationship that you deserve, much less that you would need to conscienciously bring a child into the world. This man has proven that he is fickle at best, an abuser at worst. If he treats you so callously all the time, how do you think he'll treat a baby with colic or a preschooler who just poured juice in his laptop? 

I think you recognize that this relationship is toxic and you need to get out. You've got 9 years of poisoning that you need clear out of your system. That will not be easy nor will it be pleasant, but it WILL be worth it. Please talk with a mental health professional, he or she can help you regain control of your own mental state. Work on building up a group of supportive people in you life who can help you: this can be friends, family, coworkers, church members, support group members, counselors, etc. When you do break it off with this man, make it as clean of a break as possible: no talking to him on the phone about how much you miss him, no "trying again" a few months down the road. Minimize contact. Minimize reasons to ever need to speak again. 

I suspect that you will need counseling through the whole process, both to get yourself ready in the beginning and to work through the lingering isolation and self esteem issues he's given you, and the depression (which may or may not have been triggered by the relationship, but certainly was not helped by it). Best of luck. 

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6 years ago  ::  May 30, 2012 - 4:17PM #3
Posts: 16,577


I think God is trying to tell you something and you keep putting your fingers in your ears and say "I can't hear you!"  

If your boyfriend is hitting and spitting on you, what might he be doing to your chldren?  What are you teaching by your actions that a relationship should be like? 

If the house is in your name, kick him out.  If not, see a lawyer. In fact, see a lawyer in any case to be sure you get back what you have put into this relationship.  

There are people who make stupid mistakes. There are other people who are broken.  Your boyfriend is broken beyond human repair. You are describing a parasite, not a partner. 

I agree, you need to see a counselor as well.  You are clearly an intelligent, motivated and spiritual person but your boyfriend has been so negative, I think you have forgotten how good you are. 

Listen to God and go.  Now. 

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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6 years ago  ::  Jun 02, 2012 - 3:11PM #4
Posts: 1,903

Sadsoul, I want you to know I'm praying for you and here are some thoughts.  First off, I agree with the others in seeking professional help.  And if you are a Christian, I would also seek the help of your pastor and/or Christian professional counselors.  If you are of another faith, I would seek the equivalents in those.  There is no shame in asking for help from others who have expertise and guidance for people in your situation.

On a spiritual level, I can only speak as a Christian.  In my reading of the Bible and in my living out of my faith and relationships, I do not think God is some being who is just waiting for us to screw up so that He can punish us.  Sure, our actions have consequences (let me stress, though, that I am NOT saying your current circumstance is the consequence of your previous abortion), but God is a God who is all about forgiveness and healing and making all things right.  So, I do not think God is punishing you for your choice of having an've been through a great amount of pain already from that, I'm sure.

I don't know your boyfriend, if he has really changed from before for good, but I do know that true love would involve loving you whether or not you will ever have another child or not.

You don't have to be cleaned up to get God's approval, He loves you right where you are and if you trust in Him His love for you will bring you up out of the mess you feel you are in, although it isn't an immediate/painless process.

Just some thoughts and prayers...

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6 years ago  ::  Jun 07, 2012 - 2:00AM #5
Posts: 2,236


I don't even know what to say, you said it perfectly.

God bless marriages. They are hard!!!

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6 years ago  ::  Jun 07, 2012 - 6:15PM #6
Posts: 47

I just finished reading your letter, and wanted to inquire how you were doing?. Keep a diary of where you want to see your life journey, and progression. Write down what you would like to happen, that would be pleasing to you. The things that are making you unhappy, decide their place, in your life, and why, you choose to entertain them. Take full responsibility for yourself, and your children. Ask for help from a licensed counselor that you trust, and if you are a believer, speak with a pastor. Do not spend time blaming anyone for the situation. It's a new day, keep it moving. Work on healing and correcting your life. And most of all, love yourself and your children. Always remember, that anything that is not for you, and the goals you set for yourself, is against you, and the goals you set for yourself.


Be blessed.

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