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Switch to Forum Live View Can't stop thinking about his last ex-girlfriend
2 years ago  ::  Mar 07, 2012 - 6:48PM #1
destroyingmyrelationship
Posts: 1

Hello,


My name is Rachel and I have been slowly destroying my relationship with my boyfriend for about the past 5 months. I need help. I love him more than anyone I have ever loved in my entire life and I don't want to lose him. I have been to a counselor many times and nothing seems to be working, at all!



The short story: We have been dating for almost 2 years now and I can't stop obsessing over his last ex. He tells me everything I want to hear, that I'm the only one he's ever loved, etc. But, for some reason I (irrationally) can't stop thinking about her and them together. I don't know what to do...



And here's the long story: My boyfriend's name is Chris. He's smart and funny and the kindest person I have ever known. We first met when he began working at my father's bowling alley, I was 14 years old and he was 18. I always thought he was extremely cute, but I always thought he was out of my reach. I started working there when I was 15 and we were simply co-workers, which I was completely fine with at the time. I dated other boys my age and he dated other girls his age. None of his other girlfriends bother me except for this last one. The summer before my senior year in high school, when I was 17 and he was 21, Chris and I began texting eachother all day and night (I had to delete my inbox multiple times a day). That summer I was out of state with my family on vacation. When I returned home from vacation I asked Chris to hang out with me, but every time I asked he was "too busy" (he just wasn't that into me, I've read the book). So I gave up and thought that he just didn't like me, I was bummed out for a few days, but I had so much going on and I moved on. Then in August/September I found out he had just started dating another girl. She was a few years older than him and had a kid. She had tattoos all over, smoked cigarettes, lived on a farm, listened to country music, drank too much, and was just the COMPLETE polar opposite of what I am (and what I thought he was). As you can assumed I was beyond hurt and angry. She stopped by the bowling lanes multiple times, with her kid, which unfortunately led to me seeing them together. I thought it was disgusting and laughed at him. I told myself he obviously was NOT the person I thought he was and therefore I couldn't possibly be attracted to him and in turn was not attractive to him. I had a fun senior year in high school and went out on dates with other guys. Chris ended up breaking up with that "thing" around Decmeber/January. After he broke up with her he texted me and inside joke about a resturant we liked in February or March. Then in April we started texting all day and night all over again. We then started dating in June and have been together ever since. I've talked to him multiple times about "the thing" and he tells me that the reason why he broke up with her is that he realized one day that he had never loved her and he finally came to his senses and realized what he was doing. I asked him why he never wanted to hangout with me in July before my senior year, he says it was because I was 17 years old (I turned 18 in September) and that I was his boss's daughter. He also tells me that he always thought I was cute but that I was too young and the boss's daughter. He also tells me that dating her was a huge mistake and he wishes he could go back and not date her. He says that if he had known how I felt in July he probably wouldn't have dated her. I just keep tormenting myself with these images of them together as lovers,playing with her daughter, and playing family in her house. I keep asking him all these questions about what they did together and he is rightfully getting upset with me. I just can't stop, all these comsume me on a daily basis. The smallest thing reminds me of her and them. As I said before I have been to counseling and these thought still happen all the time. I need help! I don't want to leave him but I can't keep dealing with these awful feelings. I hate him some days, I feel dirty whenever he touches me intimately. I don't want his past to win but I can't live like this. Sometimes I think that maybe love isn't enough and maybe I just know too much and have seen too much for our relationship to ever really work, maybe both of us will be better if I just leave....



Sincercely,


Lost, Confused and Tormented

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2 years ago  ::  Mar 07, 2012 - 9:38PM #2
REteach
Posts: 14,221

What makes you think that an anonymous post on the internet is likely to make a change where personal counseling did not?


I'm sure the counselor told you this, but you have to make a choice. Either you make yourself fun for Chris to be around and stop obsessing about this woman, or you drive Chris away with your obsessing. It is up to you.  Just remember that when he leaves because he can't take it any more, it will not be his fault.  


It is up to you, and nothing we can say will change that. 


Only you can change you.  

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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2 years ago  ::  Mar 07, 2012 - 11:36PM #3
Hatman
Posts: 9,634
Rachel-
Telling yourself "you can't help it" when you begin obsessing over the other woman, imagining this or that scenario is just lying to yourself.

Stop it.

When you think about it, the only thing you can truly say is under your complete control is what you choose to think about.

Perhaps this example will help.

Back in '94, i quit smoking.  Now, i could've obsessed about smoking and thought about it all the time 'til i took up that nasty habit again, but i didn't; whenever the desire for or thought of smoking would arise in my brain, i would pray that i would receive either something else to think about or something else to do---and my prayers were answered.

So maybe when you catch yourself beginning to think about this gal, or wanting to grill your bf about her and their lives together, you could recall this advice and KNOCK THAT CRAP OFF, otherwise you'll drive him away, just like REteach said.

You don't even necessarily have to be "fun" to be around, either---just pleasant.

It may also help to put yourself in his shoes; how would you feel, do you think, were he to constantly be asking you about your past BF's, what you did with them, how you felt, blah-blah-blah, day after day after day?  How long would it take for you to get annoyed, then frustrated, than angry---then gone?

Perhaps some part of you knows that you two aren't meant to be, and you're subconsciously sabotaging and sandbagging the relationship now, too, despite your protestations of how much you "love" him...unless that love means letting him go.

It may also help to direct your thoughts toward what really DOES make for an excellent long-term relationship, too; personally, i've found more true success by focusing my energies on what i DO want instead of what i DON'T want.  Now, if you don't KNOW what makes for that kind of relationship, talk to those who HAVE had one, and ask them for their secrets.

Get it?

Warmest regards-

Hatman
"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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2 years ago  ::  Mar 16, 2012 - 6:13PM #4
Mostyn32
Posts: 2,941

Rachel, any Freudian psychologist would tell you that the reason you're so hung-up about your boyfriend's previous relationship is that you really don't want your relationship with Chris to succeed. It also indicates that you don't trust Chris, and also that you have either low self-esteem or you're not as mature as you think you are. Keep doing what you're doing and Chris is going to head for the hills. Who wants to hang out with a neurotic?


Think about it.

"God is no captious sophister, eager to trip us up whenever we say amiss, but a courteous tutor, ready to amend what, in our weakness or our ignorance, we say ill, and to make the most of what we say aright."  from 'A Learned Discourse on Justification', a sermon by Richard Hooker (1554-1600).
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