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3 years ago  ::  Feb 13, 2012 - 12:58PM #1
confused2012
Posts: 3

I don't want to tell my whole life story but I want to explain where I am coming from, how I feel, and ask if what I'm feeling is wrong?

I met my husband Chad growing up. Around the 9th grade, we started seeing each other but when I asked what we were, he said he didn't want to exclusively date me and we continued to be friends. In the 10th grade, he asked me out and we've been together pretty much since then.

We made it through me being away at college and now we are both 26 years old and have been married since July 2011.

In July 2010, Chad came to me one morning with tears in his eyes and confessed to "cheating" on me with several girls during the time we had been together. He had never had sex with them, just "other" things. I forgave him but his conscience was still eating at him. He suggested going to see a counselor and we did. The counselor told him that if he had those feelings of love and commitment, that we should get married and that commitment to me may suppress those urges later. So we got engaged October 2010 and married in July 2011.

So here's the nitty gritty. When I first started dating in 2003 Chad's sis was getting married. While helping decorate for the reception, a girl came in, ran across the reception hall and jumped into his arms. Chad never introduced me to her but her name was Amanda. They went to school together.

During the time we dated 2003-2010, Amanda was one of the girls Chad "cheated" on me with. One time he spent the night with her in another friends basement while I was at college. He told me what they did together. Then another time he took her bowling and he allowed her to kiss him on his neck and ear on the way home. Another time he went and picked her up and took her to hang out with other friends and although "nothing" happened", he failed to tell me. I always felt as though something was between them but never had proof until he told me that morning. Amanda was just one of the girls but what happened between them was multiple times. Up to 2010, she was still sending him texts like "hey baby" and so forth but they never hung out that I knew of.

Also in 2010, I learned that she was sleeping with Chad's cousin Tom, who was dating my best friend Heather. They split up and Heather was heart broken. This didn't help my opinion of her at all because now, not only had she "lended" herself to my boyfriend, she broke up my best friend and her boyfriend! Then in the later part of 2010, we found out that she was sleeping with Chad's other cousin Brian who was dating another good friend of mine (Heather which is different than Tom's Heather). Amanda was really not sitting well with me at this point. Brian and Amanda stayed together and what makes it worse, Brian is not only Chad's cousin, but Chad's best friend.

Of course, Chad wanted Brian in the wedding in 2011. Since Brian and Amanda were engaged and Brian in our wedding, of course Amanda came to our rehearsal and wedding. I was not happy. Brian and Amanda were married in September 2011. Since then, she has not proved to have changed her ways at all because there are other instances of her with other women. Which is a whole other story.

I'm trying not "judge" her but I don't feel like she is a good person or one that I would even want to hang around.

Chad's family knows about Chad and Amanda. I see her at family functions now and being around her cannot be avoided. I know Chad loves me but seeing her makes me have so many feelings. Everytime I see her, I am reminded of what Chad has done. I picture her with him.

Chad and I have had many arguments because he feels like he can't hang out with Brian anymore. He keeps defending her and saying that she is a good person and everything. He wants to be able to go to Amanda and Brians and have them come over to our house and go on dates like we used to with Brian and Heather. Amanda is not someone I see myself being friends with or even wanting to know. She has hurt me and several of my dearest friends. I do not like her ways. This is really coming inbetween Chad and I. He says its my fault and the past is the past and I need to get over it.

I talked with her one day at a softball game (which Chad and Brian play together) and it went okay. Then the next week, I found texts from her to Chad on Chad's phone. Nothing inappropiate but I felt like she crossed a line with me. She knows that I know about her and Chad. I don't know if even an apology on her part will make me like her and I know that if Chad keeps pushing her on me, the more I will not like her.

I'm really confused. My marriage is suffering and I'm tired of crying. Am I wrong to feel this way? Am I wrong not to want Chad to go to her house? I don't trust her and I'm just now starting to trust him again!

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3 years ago  ::  Feb 13, 2012 - 8:11PM #2
REteach
Posts: 14,450

Well, right now you are miserable and making your husband miserable.  Clearly your current solution is not working. 


It does not sound as if Amanda was doing anything with anyone who was married.  Dating is not married.  Dating kind of means one really has not committed yet. Amanda is Chad's in-law as well.  She s currently related to him.  I am not sure saying she can't email or text an old friend and relative is appropriate.  


The not liking her thing is different.  People do change and grow up. And, after all, the guys who broke up with your friends didn't have to do that.  Amanda did not force them to break up.  


So, you can continue the way you are going. You will be miserable, your husband will be miserable, and you may end up getting divorced because you can't find it in yourself to be nice to her.


Given that her husband in your husband's best friend, it might be wise to make the effort.  Maybe your get-togethers can be things that don't require you to spend a whole lot of alone time with her. Maybe games where you are all talking together, or movies where you don't need to talk at all.


There are 4 people involved here. The only person whose behavior you can change is yours.  Is your husband worth changing your behavior?

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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3 years ago  ::  Feb 14, 2012 - 1:04PM #3
confused2012
Posts: 3

Well, you are right. Both me and my husband are unhappy. I'm unhappy about the incidents of betrayal whether it was with her or the others. It upsets me and has made me very insecure about myself.


You are right, as far as I know, Amanda didn't do anything with anyone that was married. But I disagree that dating comes with no commitment. When you and your partner decide to date each other exclusively for years, there is most definitely commitment involved. Amanda was dating Kevin when she had relations with two other men who were also in relationships. You are right that Amanda did not make Chad or Chad's two cousins cheat on their significant others. But if she would've had some "character", she wouldn't have put herself out there for that to happen. Those guys probably would've cheated regardless of her or someone else. What makes me upset is that she knew they were taken (and she was too) and still let this happen. She was even friends with Brians fiancee!


People do change and grow up. I have yet to see this from her over the past 6 months. This is why I'm hesitant on Chad going over there and being all buddy buddy with someone he was more than buddies with.


Yes, my husband is worth changing my behavior for and hopefully I'm worth the same to him. I'm trying to heal my wounds. I just need some help and time. I need to know its going to be okay. I need to know we are going to be okay. I don't want this pushed on me. I never asked for it. I never wanted this.


I was never friends with her before this, and I don't think her character is in line with those that I would like to consider friends. Even if I suddenly become okay with Chad going over to their house and hanging out with them, I still don't know if I could like her as friends. I'm not saying that I'm mean to her. I just don't want to be around her.

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3 years ago  ::  Feb 14, 2012 - 2:30PM #4
REteach
Posts: 14,450

While I too tend to judge the women more harshly than the men, she was not putting a gun to their heads. Chad apparently had no more character than she did.  The thing to remember is that after sampling both, he chose you. Do you really want him to regret that? 

If you don't want him hanging around with her being buddies, then you need to hang out with them too. 


My understanding is that you married him after you heard about this stuff.  If you cannot get over it, maybe you should not have married him.  These are your feelings. You need to deal with them. Others cannot fix them for you.  Maybe you should go talk to the counselor again.  If you drive Chad away with your behavior, you won't be able to blame Amanda for that.

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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3 years ago  ::  Feb 14, 2012 - 3:13PM #5
confused2012
Posts: 3

You are right. Chad definitely wasn't any better. For some reason, it just easier to forgive someone who means so much to me.


Thank you so much. I appreciate your response.

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3 years ago  ::  Feb 14, 2012 - 7:16PM #6
REteach
Posts: 14,450

You are welcome.  As I said, while I tend to feel the same way, I do understand that it is not rational.  


Who knows, if you try, maybe in time you will find that she turns out to be true to her husband and a good friend to you.  

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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