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Switch to Forum Live View Another cheating post :(
6 years ago  ::  Jan 09, 2012 - 9:41AM #1
Posts: 1

It’s such a common theme and I feel embarrassed adding my story but I am really at my wits end and could really use advice as I feel I have nowhere to turn.

My husband is extremely good looking, has a “prominent" career, and everybody thinks he’s such a great guy.   To my family, he was my “savior” because I’m silly and a bit flighty and he’s “so responsible and honorable” (think maybe “Dharma and Greg”-ish). 


The problem is, he’s NOT what he appears to be.  He lies, steals, and cheats on me.  I have no actual proof of a “physical” affair, but I have reason to belief he has cheated on me with 4 different women in our 10 year marriage (although we’ve been together, on and off, for 20 years).  He, of course, denies he had physical relationships with these women insisting they were all just good friends.  However, the evidence I have shows thousands of texts (many “inappropriate” comments), visits to bars, “partying” with alcohol and marijuana, and hotel visits.  He has NEVER admitted to anything until presented with physical evidence and even then will come up with a reason why what he did was acceptable and my accusations are out of line; for example,  the hotel visits were with an “old friend” who wanted to meet up/be comforted by him because she had cancer.


The most recent, however, was the most devastating.  In 2007 there was a co-worker whom he never had anything good to say about, she was a “’train wreck’ that you just couldn’t look away from”, in his words, only working because her father refused to buy her another vehicle after she wrecked her third.      I will not go into more details but in August of 2007, he received a “drunk dial” from this woman and I called her back.  I told her of all the things he was saying about her and her response was “Yea, that’s great of him to throw ME under the bus, when I have what I have on him”.  When I pressed her on it she told me she’d email what she “had” but of course never did. 


After this, I was so shaken that I needed therapy, which I got.  I decided I needed to forgive everyone involved and spent a lot of time praying.  I returned to my church and began volunteering with the church, and several other organizations. 


Then about 4 months ago, I found of that he was still in contact with this woman up until at least late 2009 (this is what HE admits to).  He speaks/spoke with her through his “work email”, meets/met up with her for lunch, happy hour, and on the nights I was at the church (1 night a week).      


I am devastated because I thought I was doing everything right; the forgiveness, the praying, the giving of time and now it just feels like I was “sticking my head in the sand”.   To make things worse, this woman is a devote atheist and now I just feel like a silly little girl believing that “God” would make things right – like a fairy tale. 


People say that hard times make you strong but not for me, I feel worse, weakened, and just plain stupider everyday.    They took my relationships and my faith and there is nothing I can do about it…..  Cry

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6 years ago  ::  Jan 09, 2012 - 12:28PM #2
Posts: 2,941

Nothing you can do about it? Nonsense!

First, stop putting yourself down - referring to yourself as "silly", "flighty" tells me that your self-esteem could use a boost.

Second, you said your family regards your husband as your "saviour"? Have you told any family member about his lying, cheating, etc.? If not, why not?

Third, why are you putting yourself through all this? If I'd had ten years of a marriage like yours, I'd have walked out long ago. Why haven't you confronted your husband with the possibility of losing you?

Do you have children? If you do, is it worth putting them "under the marital bus"?


"God is no captious sophister, eager to trip us up whenever we say amiss, but a courteous tutor, ready to amend what, in our weakness or our ignorance, we say ill, and to make the most of what we say aright."  from 'A Learned Discourse on Justification', a sermon by Richard Hooker (1554-1600).
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6 years ago  ::  Jan 09, 2012 - 1:04PM #3
Posts: 16,577

I agree with Mostyn.  You don't really seem to like him much based on what you posted.  I find the drug use stuff of concern. You can't change his behavior, you can change yours.  What is your therapist saying?

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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6 years ago  ::  Jan 09, 2012 - 6:02PM #4
Posts: 9,954
Reading between the lines, it sounds like you still love him very much, and wish that he would be faithful, honest, and true---but instead, he's unfaithful, dishonest, and false.

He must have some good moments, otherwise you'd've left him, long ago.

That said, "You teach people how to treat you by what you will or will not accept," so IMO, you need to lay things out for him and demand better treatment immediately, or you'll leave.

If he blows you off, minimizes your concerns, or worse, laughs at you---pack up and go.

Make some plans, first; either set aside some dough to pay for at least 5-8 weeks worth of hotel-stay, make arrangements with a friend or relative that he doesn't know, or whatever---and git gone.

Nothing like living on your own for awhile to jolt the ol' memorybanks into recalling just why you married in the first place, imo!

Now, if he's like most men, he'll wonder where you are for a week, then go out and party for another couple, then begin to seriously worry---oh, and it should be taken for granted that you do NOT CONTACT HIM directly for any reason save imminent dismemberment or death.  Let HIM stew; let HIM worry where you are and what you're doing---and with WHOM.

Remember the old saying, "How can i miss you if you won't go away?" 

The risk you run in taking this course of action is that maybe he DOESN'T care, and if he makes no effort whatsoever to find you, you'll have your answer, hard as that will be to face---so begin divorce proceedings, and do your best to be fair, not vindictive, in your settlement claims.

Also, before leaving, you should photograph all your possessions and papers, including bank statements, deeds/titles, insurance information, stocks/bonds, and so on, storing them with a sympathetic friend or relative so he can neither steal them nor know what you have on him.

Consider hiring a private investigator to get proof of infidelity beyond a shadow of a doubt, too, if you feel you will need it to buttress your divorce claim.  Men cannot be forced to be faithful, but if there are clear-cut(and IMMEDIATE) consequences for doing so, they'll at least think twice.

But assuming a best-case scenario, that he begs you to come back, set conditions on your return, among them marital counseling and/or a Retrouvaille weekend at a minimum...and whatever else you feel is needful and just in order to repair your marriage and restore your life.
"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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6 years ago  ::  Jan 09, 2012 - 7:08PM #5
Posts: 16,577

It may not be worth finding proof of infidelity in a no-fault state.  It is definitely worth protecting yourself financially though. 

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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