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Switch to Forum Live View he's in afghanistan, i'm lonely.
3 years ago  ::  Nov 30, 2011 - 2:46AM #1
mandeeperkins
Posts: 3
"This action of you not feeling loved because I don’t call, sounds like your problem. I could go 6 months without talking to you in person or over the phone and still know you love me, I don’t know why you can’t just feel the same. Honestly constant reinforcement sound like a lack of self esteem to me. We are married and in love, some months and miles shouldn’t change that and if it does then that is a problem for you, don’t project that onto me."

This is what he said to me after I complained about him not calling me in four days.  His job isn't dangerous, he's never off base and always near a phone. Last time he was gone he called me every day.  I know he can, but he justifies not calling to me and himself because he works 12 hour days and has little free time.  After telling him I don't feel loved or a priority to him, the above is what I get in response.  My "love language" is "words of affirmation" and secondly "physical touch" so I hope you can empathize how hard this is on me.  FYI he is not deployed, he's gone by choice (contractor).  I didnt want him to go, but all he saw was the money.

So what do I say or do to him to make him see how much it hurts to have him gone, and not talking to me on top of that?  I don't know where to go from here. 
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3 years ago  ::  Nov 30, 2011 - 1:46PM #2
REteach
Posts: 14,821

Do you live close enough to a military base that you could network with other wives whose husbands are away?


I suspect your real concern is that he might have something on the side over there.  If so, he is not likely to admit it, and from home there is not much to do to influence his behavior. 


The only person whose behavior you can control is yours.  I'd suggest counseling so you can find the strength in yourself you need to deal with his behavior. 


Good luck!

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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3 years ago  ::  Dec 02, 2011 - 11:05PM #3
Hatman
Posts: 9,634
mandee-
Perhaps phrasing that is non-accusatory may help, e.g.:

'Honey, i'm a woman, and i need to hear that i am loved.  i need to feel that i am loved.  i need to be touched in a loving way, whether by your words or your hands or lips."

If you avoid "you" statements(especially when combined with "you always" or "you never"), defensiveness and counterattack can be avoided, usually.

A strategy for effective communication might take the following general steps:

1.  Find something about him to compliment him on/thank him for.
2.  Segué gently into your issue, keeping it about you---not him.
3.  Make some positive suggestions for action steps he could take to help you with your problem.
4.  Close with yet more compliments/appreciation.

Warmest regards-

Hatman
"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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3 years ago  ::  Dec 03, 2011 - 1:07AM #4
mandeeperkins
Posts: 3

Nov 30, 2011 -- 1:46PM, REteach wrote:


I suspect your real concern is that he might have something on the side over there.  If so, he is not likely to admit it, and from home there is not much to do to influence his behavior. 





I don't question his fidelity, and am 100% confident that he is faithful to me.


Thanks, I think I will seek counseling before I fully address this issue with him.

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3 years ago  ::  Dec 03, 2011 - 1:08AM #5
mandeeperkins
Posts: 3

Dec 2, 2011 -- 11:05PM, Hatman wrote:

mandee- Perhaps phrasing that is non-accusatory may help, e.g.: 'Honey, i'm a woman, and i need to hear that i am loved. i need to feel that i am loved. i need to be touched in a loving way, whether by your words or your hands or lips." If you avoid "you" statements(especially when combined with "you always" or "you never"), defensiveness and counterattack can be avoided, usually. A strategy for effective communication might take the following general steps: 1. Find something about him to compliment him on/thank him for. 2. Segué gently into your issue, keeping it about you---not him. 3. Make some positive suggestions for action steps he could take to help you with your problem. 4. Close with yet more compliments/appreciation. Warmest regards- Hatman




thank you for this.  I always feel that I approach him in non-accusatory, open and loving way.  But, then I go back and read it and understand why he would be offended.  I'll use your instructions as a template next time I feel frustrated towards him

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3 years ago  ::  Dec 03, 2011 - 11:13AM #6
REteach
Posts: 14,821

My husband and I have never been apart as you and yours.  However the first times we were on business trips away from each other, we talked a lot and enjoyed breathing on the phone to each other, just knowing the other was there. I have noticed recently though that we don't seem to be doing that as much. A quick chat gets the job done.  Maybe you and your husband are at different places on this continuum.  



Good luck! Being separated by that distance isn't much fun.

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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3 years ago  ::  Jan 11, 2012 - 5:51PM #7
Mostyn32
Posts: 2,941

Mandee, whether your husband was deployed to Afghanistan or went willingly as a private contractor is immaterial. He's still in a very dangerous place! He may not be out on patrol, facing death by IED or ambush, but even in Kabul or other major cities, he's got to be aware that it's not safe. He has many more things on his mind than phoning home every day, I'm sure. Maybe he did go for the money, but isn't the money for both of you? 


You don't say how long you have been married, but I'm guessing it's not all that many years. You say that you have no qualms about whether or not he is faithful to you. Have you asked yourself why you feel the need to hear from him absolutely every day? Why you need to hear him repeat, every day, that he loves you?


Counselling sounds like a good idea - you seem to be much too dependent on "hearing words of love". If you're lonely, find yourself something to do besides sitting by the phone waiting for him to call.  If you don't work outside the home, how about volunteering for a local agency? If you live near a military base, do as REteach suggests and find a support group of military spouses - who probably don't hear from their husbands/wives every day, either. Once you spend some time with the spouses of people who had no choice but to go to Afghanistan, you may change your tune!


I don't mean to be unsympathetic but there's a note of "poor little me, all alone by the telephone" in your post, and you need to get over it.


REteach, Mandee's husband's 'behaviour' is pretty standard for men who have a lot on their mind, and just because he doesn't call her every day, and gets short with her when she complains about that, doesn't mean he doesn't love her.


  

"God is no captious sophister, eager to trip us up whenever we say amiss, but a courteous tutor, ready to amend what, in our weakness or our ignorance, we say ill, and to make the most of what we say aright."  from 'A Learned Discourse on Justification', a sermon by Richard Hooker (1554-1600).
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