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Switch to Forum Live View he cheated yrs ago but i cant move on??
3 years ago  ::  Nov 30, 2011 - 1:53AM #1
lew25
Posts: 1
well hello, i will just get right in to it....a few months after me and my husband got married he felt he needed to come clean to me about his past. we had been together eight yrs before we got married and for four of them he cheated with a lot of different women. we also had a child within the four yrs of cheating. 

  now it took a bit of time for me to move on from it. i tought about it every day but the pain dulled as time went on. i knew one of the girls was like a friend with benefits thing and the other women was one night stands, but a month ago he told me about another that was a friends with benefits thing. the thing is i knew the girl...she lived in the same apt complex. he brought her to my house to meet her.

   well now im hurting all over again and he really doesnt want to talk about it cuz he feels like its over and i should be over it as well. im going crazy!!!! im done with going crazy over this still. i really wish i was over it but im not. i just cant seem to move on from it.
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3 years ago  ::  Nov 30, 2011 - 1:41PM #2
REteach
Posts: 14,590

I'd suggest you get counseling before you drive him away--unless that is what you want to do.  When you find yourself thinking about it, just stop. Force yourself to think about something else. Again and again and again. 


Plus, smile.  Research shows that smiling improves your mood.

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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3 years ago  ::  Dec 02, 2011 - 11:17PM #3
Hatman
Posts: 9,634
Lew-
i understand about the hurt and betrayal you feel.
It's a deep wound, and deep wounds take a long time to heal---especially if you keep scratching them and keeping them inflamed.

Even when they DO heal, they leave a scar, usually a scar that remains sensitive for quite some time, too.

Perhaps you could play a little "tit-for-tat" with him, and "confess" to several affairs of your own, about how this one didn't mean anything to you, and that one was just a one-night stand, and another was just a friend with benefits.

Then watch his reactions; i suspect he'll begin to feel a bit hurt and disappointed himself at YOUR "betrayal," too.

Let him stew about it for a couple of days, maybe more, then confess that you told him all those stories just to let him get a small taste of what it feels like to be betrayed like he betrayed you, then ask him if he really wants to be committed to you and only you for the rest of his life.  If he says "yes," then tell him it'll take a bit of time, up to maybe 2 years, before you feel like you can trust him fully again---and that during this time of testing, you need to have access to his phone, computer, and email accounts at all times, that he needs to be accountable to you for where he goes and how long he's going to be there, and that when he has PROVED that he can be trusted by remaining as transparent and honest as he knows how to be, you'll let up.

Trust is a very beautiful thing, but fragile; once it's broken, it's very hard to repair, if it's even possible.

Even when it IS repaired, it's usually even more fragile than it was before it was first broken, so it needs to be handled with exceedingly great care...and treasured.

If he's unwilling to go the extra mile for you and do these things to help apologize SINCERELY for his betrayals, you'll have to decide if you're better off with him than without him, and make your peace with whatever decision you make.

Warmest regards-

Hatman
"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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3 years ago  ::  Dec 03, 2011 - 11:09AM #4
REteach
Posts: 14,590

I disagree Hat.  Punishment is not necessarily a good thing--plus this cheating happened a long time ago.  He has apparently been a good boy in the meantime.  For punishment to be effective, it needs to occur swiftly and inevitably.  


From what we know, he has chosen to stay and be faithful.  Why punish him for that?  I think that behavior could backfire.  He could decide that if staying faithful brings punishment, why should he stay?  


She cannot change his past.  His current behavior is apparently faithful. The only thing she can change  at this time is her own behavior. 

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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3 years ago  ::  Dec 05, 2011 - 12:14AM #5
Hatman
Posts: 9,634

Dec 3, 2011 -- 11:09AM, REteach wrote:

I disagree Hat.  Punishment is not necessarily a good thing--plus this cheating happened a long time ago.  He has apparently been a good boy in the meantime.  For punishment to be effective, it needs to occur swiftly and inevitably.


IMO, she's punishing him NOW, just ineffectively, and possibly in both overt and subtle ways.  And how do YOU define "a long time ago?"  It seems that to the OP, the wounds are both fresh AND brand-new.

From what we know, he has chosen to stay and be faithful.  Why punish him for that?  I think that behavior could backfire.  He could decide that if staying faithful brings punishment, why should he stay?


i suspect that if the OP's current behavior continues, he'll not only regret his honesty in confessing, but resolve to never confess like that again.  i know that when i confess something, i hope to be forgiven so i can move on and so can the one i've hurt---yet if the one i confess to refuses to be consoled or to forgive DESPITE claims that they HAVE INDEED forgiven me, i tend to grow not only resentful, but more secretive and LESS open and honest.  After all, look at where the openness and honesty got me!  Tears, resentment, subtle and not-so-subtle revenge, etc., instead of forgiveness.  Indeed, why would ANYone stay when their hopes to be forgiven are not only dashed, but stomped on?


She cannot change his past.  His current behavior is apparently faithful. The only thing she can change  at this time is her own behavior. 


Well, this is certainly where we differ in our approaches; if someone betrays MY trust, they have to EARN it back.  If they are UNWILLING to even TRY to earn my trust back, then it's buh-bye!  See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya.  But (for me, anyhow) if i had done a bad thing and wanted the one i really loved to REALLY forgive me, i'd agree to openness and transparency about all my communications and places i go for as long as she needed to feel safe and certain of my honesty once more(preferably a year or less, and if not, a definite time-period, but whatever it took).  For me, honesty and trust are foundations to a happy and blessed relationship, as dishonesty and mistrust are positive poisons to them.

And at the risk of being redundant, those who forgive too swiftly and/or unconditionally set themselves up for more of the same...nice if you're a masochist, not great if you're more-or-less normal.

Warmest regards-

Hatman

"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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3 years ago  ::  Dec 05, 2011 - 7:39PM #6
REteach
Posts: 14,590

Hat, I don't know enough about your past, but I was the one cheated on, so my observations are based on experience.  


The idea of having to earn back trust seems to imply there is only one person in a relationship.  There are two.  I know my behavior was irritating my husband just as much as his behavior was irritating me.  While he was the one who cheated, we were both contributing to the problem. My understanding in this case was that the cheating happened while they were together but before they got married. 


I am pretty sure I would not be happily married today if I followed your recipe. 


Positive behavioral management rarely, if ever, uses punishment.  It rewards appropriate behavior.  I think she is punishing her husband years after he did anything wrong.  Is he likely to be honest with her in the future? Punishing honesty promotes trust? Someone who is constantly weaping and wailing and gnashing her teeth is someone anyone would enjoy spending time with?


I think she needs to either get over it or get over him.  I don't think she can have both.  

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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