serenityprayer, I'm not going to give you any advice because you're coming across as someone who who is looking for sympathy rather than advice! You knew this man's history before you married him! Leopards don't change their spots, my dear. He has a history of cheating and short-term commitment. You have a choice to make - stay or go. Make it!
"God is no captious sophister, eager to trip us up whenever we say amiss, but a courteous tutor, ready to amend what, in our weakness or our ignorance, we say ill, and to make the most of what we say aright." from 'A Learned Discourse on Justification', a sermon by Richard Hooker (1554-1600).
I found out about my husband 8 months ago, and while it is becoming more distant, it does not take much to have all the emotions of mistrust, anger, bitterness, frustration and disregard of him come to light.
Reteach is not saying that the betrayed spouse is at fault.
What she is offering is that any relation, there is always self improvement to be done. If you drive your car and the wires are bad it will misfire. If you continue to drive it that way, I believe it can burn a valve. If you get it repaired, it runs like a champ again.
If you have problems, quirks, etc. that need improvement ON YOUR SELF, then work on those. In light of my husbands flings, and there were a few, I realized what I did or DID NOT contribute to our marriage. It let me realize that even though what he did is entirely wrong, and will not and cannot be justified, IF, I had seen my own problems, it would not have happened, and I believe firmly in that.
It is her advice that made me realize that I needed to improve upon myself, so that our marriage would begin to grow the way that God intended for it too. Leaving the baggage behind is also some of the greatest advice she offered to me, it hurt me, but also made me realize that in order for my marriage to heal, and I believe what she said, is you start out new, today, don't use what happened as weapons, because it will not allow the growth forward.
It didn't make me feel good about looking at my own faults, but it made me realize that I had many, many from my past before we ever married, problems from my childhood that affected me up until this betrayal came to light.
If you are committed to making this work, then do some soul searching, see where improvement can come from you in your life, learn to love and like yourself, know that yes, you can move past here, know that yes it hurts like hell, and anything can trigger it, know that there are thousands of men and women constantly fighting this battle and have children involved with the other women, or children from the other men.
I love my husband, I forgave him and told him that I forgave him withing the first week. It was not easy, but I did it. I also forgave the OW in this mess, and that was even harder, and I also have asked for blessings for them to find the peace in their hearts and souls, and to know to ask for forgiveness of our God for what they have done, and to find the happiness that they sought.
You cannot change the past, you don't know what the future will bring, but today you are living, and if he is committed, then let it be gone. Forgiveness is the hardest step, but I think is one of the most useful steps in this healing process. I read from somewhere that Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.
We had our 23 anniversary this year, and our life seems to be improving daily, our communication daily, our love for each other. It can be done, there is proof everywhere. It is your choice on how you do it and when. Advice is what it is, advice. Take what you can use, as your situation is independant to you.
There is not a day that goes by I don't think about all this, BUT, there is not a day that I don't thank God for what He showed me and guided me to. Here, at Beliefnet.com and another site that you may be interested in looking into, marriagesherpa.com blogs.
Reteach, again, your advice was a reaffirmation of what I have learned from you and the others that helped me to realize that it takes two to tango. I love you for that. Hugs.
you dont need to see ones facial expression in order to feel. I can only suppose, blind people are more connected to their feelings than most sighted folks. Cheating also means your husband is lacking something. If he has yet to understand his reason for betraying your c ommitment to each other, than I would suggest you make him come clean! Or you will never have a good place to began anew!
Without the Soul of Christ alive in us...we are nothing but empty shells...
Serenity- If you haven't yet had counseling---both individual as well as marriage---i believe it would do you a great deal of good to get some.
Ever hear the song "The Boxer," by Simon and Garfunkel? It has a line in it which goes "A man hears what he wants to hear, and disregards the rest." It's a good song; here's a version you can hear for free @ Youtube: www.youtube.com/watch?v=hOkigFvxLrk
Personally, i have seen some great advice from REteach, which you have figuratively shat upon, and now you complain that REteach has taken offense?
Methinks you're doing some selective reading AND interpretation...iow, you have found fault because you sought it---or heard what you wanted to hear, disregarding the rest.
But hey---you don't like the advice? All the money you paid for it can now be considered to have been fully refunded.
Warmest regards-
Hatman
I have had both individual and marriage counseling, and it has been helpful.
I took the advice and used it and I even said thank you for the advice, my intentions were not to be offensive, I just disagreed.
I hope I am not doing selective reading or interpretation but I am human and I make mistakes so maybe I did not understand what she meant, and that is my fault and I take responsibility for that and apoligize.
I think it is so hard to understand what a person means through text alone when you are face to face with a person you can understand what they are saying because of facial expressions and body language, so if I misinterpretted anything that is my mistake. I am still very appreciative and thankful of all the advice recieved.
I think it is good to have views from different people the insight helps.
Your response to this can only be made by you..However, it seems as if this has been a pattern. Its not been a one time thing. This relationship, if I understand it right, began with you both cheating. It seems it has been a constant throughout your relationship.
If you search your soul, I believe you'll find its the lack of truth, that hurts! Nothing hurts love, more than a lie! A marriage can seem to be happy at times, but mistrust is the first clue that somehthing was missing in the marriage.
You have a choice, I believe to do one of two things. The first is to forgive your past, accept where you are now, and ask yourself what exactly are your values? Most women can't forgive a man for one indiscreation. Some can. Ask yourself how many times can you accept this behavior, before you think better of yourself. Than ask Christ, the keeper of TRUTH, to help show you your purpose...so that you can gain clarity, hope in yourself, and trust in what is really important in your life, and its future. God be with you now more than ever to show you your way!
Oh no the relationship did not begin with us both cheating. This is the first case of cheating on his part, and I have never cheated on him.
Wow, you are very right. I never even thought of that. The fact that i had that sense of mistrust is a clue that something was not right. And yes the lying is probably what hurts the most.
Thank you so much, that really helps. We are trying to move forward, some days are good some days are not but I have faith in one day things will great again. Thank you for the advice, God bless.
Your response to this can only be made by you..However, it seems as if this has been a pattern. Its not been a one time thing. This relationship, if I understand it right, began with you both cheating. It seems it has been a constant throughout your relationship.
If you search your soul, I believe you'll find its the lack of truth, that hurts! Nothing hurts love, more than a lie! A marriage can seem to be happy at times, but mistrust is the first clue that somehthing was missing in the marriage.
You have a choice, I believe to do one of two things. The first is to forgive your past, accept where you are now, and ask yourself what exactly are your values? Most women can't forgive a man for one indiscreation. Some can. Ask yourself how many times can you accept this behavior, before you think better of yourself. Than ask Christ, the keeper of TRUTH, to help show you your purpose...so that you can gain clarity, hope in yourself, and trust in what is really important in your life, and its future. God be with you now more than ever to show you your way!
Without the Soul of Christ alive in us...we are nothing but empty shells...
Serenity- If you haven't yet had counseling---both individual as well as marriage---i believe it would do you a great deal of good to get some.
Ever hear the song "The Boxer," by Simon and Garfunkel? It has a line in it which goes "A man hears what he wants to hear, and disregards the rest." It's a good song; here's a version you can hear for free @ Youtube: www.youtube.com/watch?v=hOkigFvxLrk
Personally, i have seen some great advice from REteach, which you have figuratively shat upon, and now you complain that REteach has taken offense?
Methinks you're doing some selective reading AND interpretation...iow, you have found fault because you sought it---or heard what you wanted to hear, disregarding the rest.
But hey---you don't like the advice? All the money you paid for it can now be considered to have been fully refunded.
Warmest regards-
Hatman
"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance." -- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
That is very sad he said that and it is truly a blessing your marriage worked out. That being said not all marriages are the same and what worked for you will not work for someone else. We have already had sex several times since I agreed to work our marriage out but it still hurts and it probably will for a while you should offer advice that can be used for everyone not just what worked for you.
Trust is something that has to be earned of cource I do not trust him, how is it nagging if do not trust him. I told him I don't he said he understood why and that he would work to rebuild the trust he lost. Maybe I am misunderstanding what you mean by "nagging" I dont ask him questions anymore after he confessed I told him how I felt and he has been very understanding with it and patient and we are cummicating very well, but no I do not trust him but I think in time I can trust him again it will not be easy but I believe it is possible.
I find this contradictory to your initial advice but I think it is because I misunderstood your advice in the first post I thought you meant for me to get away by myself not for me to get away with him. We actually did go on a weekend get away since this has happened. My mother watched the kids and we went out of town and it helped tremedously, and a few weeks later I went away by myself and it was nice to be alone with my thoughts and my girlfriends just ended meeting me, it was not planned. I misunderstood what you were saying at first. And of course I want to repair my marriage with him, I am only looking for support and unbaised answers here.
I have no self pity, there is no reason for me to pity myself I did not mess up he did. I am not perfect nor is he. In all your post you always target the woman... I find that interesting you never say anything about why the man may have cheated it is always the womans fault and you consistently say hurtful things and make the woman question herself instead of offering encoraging words. I am very aware that life will go on, as much as this hurts I will be okay. One day I will think about this and not cry, one day I be okay. And I still have every right to be hurt by this. I believe everything happens for a reason and this is something I will overcome. After your advice I do believe it is possible. And I was not trying to be arrogant at all I just wanted you to know that I am only looking for support here, I did not mean to offend you. Also I do not appreciate the negative comments about wallowing in self pity and growing some ovaries that was very inappropiate and not at all mature for a woman of your age. When in my post did I ever say I was wallowing self pity? I am sad because something sad happened to me but I know this will pass and I hope my marriage can be restored. I am acting like a grown up woman. I am glad for your marriage, and happy it was able to be restored so that you can be an example to other women who have to go through this, God bless you, your marriage, and your family. FYI: This is how a grown woman responds to someone who is being intentionally hurtful.
Thank you for the advice I disagree with most of it.
1. I know I cannot have it both ways, in my post I never said I wanted it both ways I said I was very hurt. Maybe since the infidelity in your relationship happened so long ago you forgot about how bad it hurt. You have been happy with your husband for a very long time now and I am happy that your marriage made it, but you have to realize these first few months are hard. I believe it is possible for me to be happy again with or with out him but right now I am hurting, not every day but sometimes I get sad. I may get sad and cry but I know I will be fine I know that this too shall pass, I know he made an epic mistake. But I do not have to make any decision right now, he messed up not me so I do not have to decide anything right now, I am allowed to hurt not forever but for now.
Oh, well, you are wrong. i do remember. i also remember we had sex the night after he came back because i figured if we were starting over, it had to start somewhere. do you think i liked it when he said he was only 52% happy he was with me and not her?
2. I do not nag him at all, in my post I said I asked him for the answers he gave them it still hurts but I never said I nag him. I don't trust a single thing he says because I trusted him so much before so he has alot of work cut out for him to get that trust back. Marriage is sacred in my eyes and for someone to break that is a major deal breaker, especially since I come from a family of cheating men.
if you don't trust him, leave. otherwise you are nagging.
I went on a girls weekend last weekend he watched the kids and it was nice to get away.
do you want to repair your relationship with him or with your girlfriends?
Thanks for the advice some of it helped. But I have some advice for you as well. I have read several of your post on others threads and all of the replies seem the same. I think you are so lin love right now you forgot what the hurting phase felt like. You remember the pain but it was so long ago you are not sensitive to it anymore, you say oh it happens get over it he changes and make your marriage work.
You asked if it can work. I said yes. It is very arrogant for you to say I don't remember. Mine left me with two babies. Yours didn't. I woke up in the middle of the night and he was gone. Then I looked i the closet and his clothes were gone. Then I found a note that said he didn't love me any more and wanted a divorce. it felt like someone reached into my chest and pulled my heart out.
Self pity is like a wet diaper. For a while it is nice and warm. After a while it starts to stink. Either wallow in your self pity and drive him away or grow some ovaries and act like a grown up woman. And don't make assumptions about others.
goodbye
I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
And in addition to RETeach's excellent advice, i'd recommend that you go visit www.retrouvaille.org, read up on their experiences, and decide whether or not that program would be good for you and your husband right now or later or not at all.
IIRC, it's less expensive than counselors and therapists, and may well be quite effective.
But punishing yourself and then punishing your husband for his infidelity(even though he "deserves it") will not ultimately prove beneficial to yourself or your family; it's more than just you and he, now. i think you need to make a core decision as to whether or not you (and he) will put "the marriage" above your(and his) personal wants.
Warmest regards-
Hatman
Thank you I will check out that site!
Also how am I punishing him? I have never said "he deserves it..." The only reason I am willing to go to counseling is because I honestly believe he made a huge mistake but he loves and because of our children, but I am also very jaded now. I do not trust him or women anymore and maybe that is a good thing, I was naive and now I can see that not everyone has the same values and morals I do. He did not put our marriage above his own selfishness and I hope with counseling, prayer and time our marriage will be restored.
He doesnt get it because it was two years ago to him he finally confessed and he wants me to be over the heartache already but I cannot. He says he understand and he will do everything he can to help restore our marriage. Hopefully we can.
