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Switch to Forum Live View He cheated, I am heart broken. What happens now?
3 years ago  ::  Nov 17, 2011 - 12:02PM #11
Serenityprayer
Posts: 7

Nov 17, 2011 -- 8:27AM, lulu2 wrote:

Your response to this can only be made by you..However, it seems as if this has been a pattern. Its not been a one time thing. This relationship, if I understand it right, began with you both cheating. It seems it has been a constant throughout your relationship.


If you search your soul, I believe you'll find its the lack of truth, that hurts! Nothing hurts love, more than a lie!  A marriage can seem to be happy at times, but mistrust is the first clue that somehthing was missing in the marriage.


You have a choice, I believe to do one of two things. The first is to forgive your past, accept where you are now, and ask yourself what exactly are your values?  Most women can't forgive a man for one indiscreation. Some can. Ask yourself how many times can you accept this behavior, before you think better of yourself. Than ask Christ, the keeper of TRUTH, to help show you your purpose...so that you can gain clarity, hope in yourself, and trust in what is really important in your life, and its future. God be with you now more than ever to show you your way!  


Oh no the relationship did not begin with us both cheating. This is the first case of cheating on his part, and I have never cheated on him.


Wow, you are very right. I never even thought of that. The fact that i had that sense of mistrust is a clue that something was not right. And yes the lying is probably what hurts the most.


Thank you so much, that really helps. We are trying to move forward, some days are good some days are not but I have faith in one day things will great again. Thank you for the advice, God bless.

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3 years ago  ::  Nov 17, 2011 - 12:20PM #12
Serenityprayer
Posts: 7

Nov 17, 2011 -- 6:57AM, Hatman wrote:

Serenity-
If you haven't yet had counseling---both individual as well as marriage---i believe it would do you a great deal of good to get some.

Ever hear the song "The Boxer," by Simon and Garfunkel?  It has a line in it which goes "A man hears what he wants to hear, and disregards the rest."  It's a good song; here's a version you can hear for free @ Youtube:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=hOkigFvxLrk

Personally, i have seen some great advice from REteach, which you have figuratively shat upon, and now you complain that REteach has taken offense?

Methinks you're doing some selective reading AND interpretation...iow, you have found fault because you sought it---or heard what you wanted to hear, disregarding the rest.

But hey---you don't like the advice?  All the money you paid for it can now be considered to have been fully refunded.

Warmest regards-

Hatman


I have had both individual and marriage counseling, and it has been helpful.


I took the advice and used it and I even said thank you for the advice, my intentions were not to be offensive, I just disagreed.


I hope I am not doing selective reading or interpretation but I am human and I make mistakes so maybe I did not understand what she meant, and that is my fault and I take responsibility for that and apoligize.


I think it is so hard to understand what a person means through text alone when you are face to face with a person you can understand what they are saying because of facial expressions and body language, so if I misinterpretted anything that is my mistake. I am still very appreciative and thankful of all the advice recieved.


I think it is good to have views from different people the insight helps.

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3 years ago  ::  Nov 17, 2011 - 2:42PM #13
lulu2
Posts: 454

you dont need to see ones facial expression in order to feel. I can only suppose, blind people are more connected to their feelings than most sighted folks. Cheating also means your husband is lacking something. If he has yet to understand his reason for betraying your c ommitment to each other, than I would suggest you make him come clean! Or you will never have a good place to began anew!  

Without the Soul of Christ alive in us...we are nothing but empty shells...
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3 years ago  ::  Nov 17, 2011 - 4:00PM #14
Anniesheart2
Posts: 35

I found out about my husband 8 months ago, and while it is becoming more distant, it does not take much to have all the emotions of mistrust, anger, bitterness, frustration and disregard of him come to light.


 Reteach is not saying that the betrayed spouse is at fault.


What she is offering is that any relation, there is always self improvement to be done. If you drive your car and the wires are bad it will misfire. If you continue to drive it that way, I believe it can burn a valve. If you get it repaired, it runs like a champ again.


If you have problems, quirks, etc. that need improvement ON YOUR SELF, then work on those. In light of my husbands flings, and there were a few, I realized what I did or DID NOT contribute to our marriage. It let me realize that even though what he did is entirely wrong, and will not and cannot be justified, IF, I had seen my own problems, it would not have happened, and I believe firmly in that.


It is her advice that made me realize that I needed to improve upon myself, so that our marriage would begin to grow the way that God intended for it too. Leaving the baggage behind is also some of the greatest advice she offered to me, it hurt me, but also made me realize that in order for my marriage to heal, and I believe what she said, is you start out new, today, don't use what happened as weapons, because it will not allow the growth forward. 


It didn't make me feel good about looking at my own faults, but it made me realize that I had many, many from my past before we ever married, problems from my childhood that affected me up until this betrayal came to light.


If you are committed to making this work, then do some soul searching, see where improvement can come from you in your life, learn to love and like yourself, know that yes, you can move past here, know that yes it hurts like hell, and anything can trigger it, know that there are thousands of men and women constantly fighting this battle and have children involved with the other women, or children from the other men.


I love my husband, I forgave him and told him that I forgave him withing the first week. It was not easy, but I did it. I also forgave the OW in this mess, and that was even harder, and I also have asked for blessings for them to find the peace in their hearts and souls, and to know to ask for forgiveness of our God for what they have done, and to find the happiness that they sought.


You cannot change the past, you don't know what the future will bring, but today you are living, and if he is committed, then let it be gone. Forgiveness is the hardest step, but I think is one of the most useful steps in this healing process. I read from somewhere that Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.


We had our 23 anniversary this year, and our life seems to be improving daily, our communication daily, our love for each other. It can be done, there is proof everywhere. It is your choice on how you do it and when. Advice is what it is, advice. Take what you can use, as your situation is independant to you.


There is not a day that goes by I don't think about all this, BUT, there is not a day that I don't thank God for what He showed me and guided me to. Here, at Beliefnet.com and another site that you may be interested in looking into, marriagesherpa.com  blogs.


Reteach, again, your advice was a reaffirmation of what I have learned from you and the others that helped me to realize that it takes two to tango. I love you for that. Hugs.

Anniesheart2
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3 years ago  ::  Nov 18, 2011 - 9:28AM #15
Mostyn32
Posts: 2,941

serenityprayer, I'm not going to give you any advice because you're coming across as someone who who is looking for sympathy rather than advice! You knew this man's history before you married him! Leopards don't change their spots, my dear. He has a history of cheating and  short-term commitment. You have a choice to make - stay or go. Make it! 

"God is no captious sophister, eager to trip us up whenever we say amiss, but a courteous tutor, ready to amend what, in our weakness or our ignorance, we say ill, and to make the most of what we say aright."  from 'A Learned Discourse on Justification', a sermon by Richard Hooker (1554-1600).
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