Storm- Ok, glad the gambling situation has been successfully resolved.
Do you believe that he has had sex with his ex?
If not, then he hasn't technically cheated.
You may call it "emotional cheating" or FEEL cheated, but no actual adultery took place---yet you are punishing him AS IF IT DID.
Suppose the situation were reversed, and an ex of yours called or texted you, and you told your ex to bug off(in so many words), forgot about it, then when your husband reviewed the bill and found out you'd been "talking" to your ex, began treating you the way you've been treating him. Think that would be fair?
Now, if he actually DID sleep with her, that's another story.
Warmest regards-
B
"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance." -- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
HI Hatman, the gambling WAS getting very bad, and then he realised that it was affecting our relationship and put a stop to it, i explained to him that i do not want to raise a family and have him gamble it away, so he has stopped for almost 2 years now and doing very well, we overcame that hurdle together which actually brought us closer as a couple, but in the last 2 months since his ex started calling me we have had issues, and basically my trust has been broken.
Stormgp- Do you think that his gambling is at the level of an addiction?
Remember always the 3 "A's", Adultery, Abuse, or Addiction.
If you're ever with someone who is unrepentant and unwilling to change any of those 3 behaviors, get out immediately. Run, do not walk, away.
Unless, of course, you're a masochist who enjoys pain, then stay right where you're at, expecting more of the same...'cuz you'll get it.
Sounds like he wanted to start an argument because he lost at gambling because it is easier for him to deal with an angry situation than confront his responsibility for not doing the right thing, to me.
Warmest regards-
Hatman
"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance." -- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
yip that i def know, i think the fact that i have changed so much as a person for him makes it worse cos he doesnt see it? There is nothing that i wouldnt do for him, i was even going to the extent of changing my religion and i believe thats where i went wrong, i gave too much and he just expected me to always be around, and always be giving, thats why i feel he lied.
About 2 years ago we went through a very rough patch, he was very much into gambling and he used to fight with me when he lost, with everything that went through and the emotional roller coster i still stayed and worked it out because i knew that i could never find someone that i could trust, and now the one thing that i always held on to has been broken and i dont know if i should let go, or still make it work?
im going to try that open communication its just that sometimes he doesn something i dont like, he has this dont care attitude that i will get over it, and thats what irritates me, and then there are times where he will make me feel so secure...
it most definately comes across as blame and attack, you have no idea how right you are, but how do i look past that and into the good thats being said?
i guess your right, listening is a very important tool, the problem with me is that i want to get all my feelings in without listening to him (which he said to me)
It's possible that rather than simply being a "liar," he hasn't felt "safe" in conversations about sharing openly. If that is the case, then working on more open communication could go a long way towards helping.
What sometimes seems like "expressing feelings" often comes out as criticism, blame, and attack - thereby creating an unsafe environment. I'm not saying that's what you do, rather that's what I see in others.
It's quite possible to share feelings - even difficult ones, such as jealousy - while keeping the other person safe. It is a skill that typically takes some learning to reach however. Everybody lears to speak, but fewer learn to communicate.
A good place to start is actually to listen and validate what is being expressed, even if one disagrees.
To an extent i am a jealous person, i actually know that and am trying to work on it, but you right in saying that the lie just makes it all the way worse.
My concern would be more over the lying. While it may be true that he didn't want to "disrupt" things, that could also mean that he perceives you as being overly jealous of innocent interactions with women (assuming they were). To what extent is that a realistic view (that is, are you overly jealous)? I'm not saying you are or aren't, just suggesting that you take a look at what might be true in what he is implying.
Trust is one of the most important elements in an intimate relationship, and based on what has been written so far, there seems to be a lack of trust on both your parts. A counselor might be able to help you two sort that out. It might also help to get a book on interpersonal communication so that the two of you can discuss without getting into a fight.
to be honest he did mention that he didnt want to say anything about the sms's because he didnt want to disrupt our lives and he knew how i would react. Yeah i understand what your saying. im gna try the councelling thing and hopfully it works :-) also gna let go a little more and choose my battles wisely...
thank you for all the great advise, this could really save my relationship...mwah much appreciated
