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Switch to Forum Live View Pls Help : he cheated on me, how do i forgive?
3 years ago  ::  Nov 01, 2011 - 7:21AM #1
Stormgp
Posts: 10
My boyfriend of 4 years kinda cheated on me, he was actually in contact with his ex girlfriend behind my back, she called me and told me about it, and i ended up getting is itemised billing then only did he confess, but he then turned around to say that she was the one sms'in him and he just replied to tell her to leave us alone, as we was suppose to be getting married in December. 
So because i wasnt sure of the "truth" i took him back and decided to make it work, but i cannot get it out of my mind, and i now question him about everything he does, who calls him and i get annoyed when girls bbm him and i keep questioning him about it.
How do i get past this? or do i walk away?
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3 years ago  ::  Nov 01, 2011 - 10:01PM #2
REteach
Posts: 14,585

Is he continuing contact? Is he acting like he is not all there for you? Do you have a reason to doubt him?

If not, and you keep acting suspicious, he may decide he can't stand you and your nagging and suspicions and leave you.  So I think you have a choice--either leave him or drop it.  



the lyrics for Suspicious Minds (sung by Elvis Pressley)


We're caught in a trap 
I can't walk out 
Because I love you too much baby 

Why can't you see 
What you're doing to me 
When you don't believe a word I say? 

We can't go on together 
With suspicious minds 
And we can't build our dreams 
On suspicious minds 

So, if an old friend I know 
Drops by to say hello 
Would I still see suspicion in your eyes? 

Here we go again 
Asking where I've been 
You can't see these tears are real 
I'm crying 

We can't go on together 
With suspicious minds 
And be can't build our dreams 
On suspicious minds 

Oh let our love survive 
Or dry the tears from your eyes 
Let's don't let a good thing die 

When honey, you know 
I've never lied to you 
Mmm yeah, yeah  

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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3 years ago  ::  Nov 02, 2011 - 1:30AM #3
Stormgp
Posts: 10

he is continuing contact, but everytime we take one step forward we take 100 back, he doesnt understand how i feel, and doesnt want to give me the security,


We lived together for almost 3 years but i moved out on Sunday. im living with my brother at the moment, and he says i must come back home and if we continue a relationship it will be on his terms, i cant go through his phone? i cant get upset when he goes out with his friends and comes home early hours of the morning... all of these limitation and he wants to do what he wants to do even if i have a problem with it.


he says he didnt do anything wrong, but the fact that he lied right up untill i had his itemised billing makes me doubt that. Am i being too much of a drama queen?


 

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3 years ago  ::  Nov 02, 2011 - 10:37AM #4
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407

Welcome to Beliefnet, Stormgp, and to this little corner. I am sorry for the pain in your relationship. Right now you are conflicted - on the one hand you do love this man and part of you wants to spend the rest of your life with him. On the other hand, you have been seeing behaviors that are extremely uncomfortable, namely lack of complete honesty about contact with his ex.

He has made it clear what his terms are for going forward with the relationship. Since a relationship consists of two people, the question is whether you are okay in accepting these terms.

Trust is one of the single most important elements of any intimate relationship. When trust is broken, then usually the couple has to do some work to repair it. Based on what has been written, there is not a willingness to do that, let alone admit what was done. I have never seen any relationship I consider to be a wonderful one based on one persons demands.

What are your goals with this man, and how realistic do you judge them to be given what has happened?

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3 years ago  ::  Nov 02, 2011 - 6:49PM #5
REteach
Posts: 14,585

Storm, IMO, if you don't feel you can trust him, even if he is trustworthy, I can't see you going anywhere.  If he was wanting to go through your cell phone and he wanted you home all the time, we might be warning you that he was a potential abuser and warn you about him. I wouldn't care about my husband going through my cell phone. However, I don't think I could have a relationship with him if he needed to go through to reassure himself. 


It is apparently in your court.  He has his limits. If you can't live with his limits, then you need to find someone else. 

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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3 years ago  ::  Nov 03, 2011 - 1:39AM #6
Stormgp
Posts: 10

Thanks guys i really appreciate the support, its so difficult as i really do love this man and i was going to marry him in less than a month, i have however called off the wedding, he is really adamant that he wants to make this relationship work but when it comes to the cruch of the matter he bails out, its a difficult situtation because i know that he does love me alot, he has changed in alot of ways to suit me, its just that when he does something that im not comfortable with i get irritated and things start going through my mind and i tend to over react, or thats what he says.


for instance : After i found out about his ex, and because i wasnt sure i decided to make it work with him and he was trying, he is in a study group and there is this girl that he has on BBM that i dont know, and she has sent him BBM's regarding the studies and i always asked him about her and maybe i was always a bit repititious but the day after their exams she called him and i asked him about the call, and thats when he got upset with me, and said i go on and on and nag.  My point is that he needs to be understanding that i am insecure because of what he did... am i wrong?


i am willing to try and change my attitude if i am wrong, because i really do love him


do i need to calm down?


does he need to be understanding?


im so confused...

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3 years ago  ::  Nov 03, 2011 - 9:27PM #7
REteach
Posts: 14,585

Did he do more than email/talk to his ex? I don't recall you saying he was having sex with her, just that he was interacting with her. Exes do not have to hate each other.  


I do not know you and I do not know him.  From what you have posted, I get the impression you are overreacting and too controlling and too jealous, but of course I do not know the whole situation.  


Perhaps you need to see a counselor--individually and as a couple.


I wouldn't mind my husband reading my email or looking at my phone but I would be angry as hell if he was constantly wanting to do it to check up on me.  I'm faithful, but that would drive me away. 

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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3 years ago  ::  Nov 04, 2011 - 12:54AM #8
Stormgp
Posts: 10

i know that they was in contact but i do not know to what extent, he denyed everything untill the cell phone bill came out, so im not really sure.


i know i am a jealous person, i would like to say protective but im not sure about controlling, i only started going through his phone after we got back together and decided to make it work.  I see what your saying tho about overreacting and thats my concern, maybe i see it from an emotional point of view, so going forward how do i stop being suspicious?


did u suggest councelling for that?

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3 years ago  ::  Nov 04, 2011 - 8:35AM #9
REteach
Posts: 14,585

I would suggest counseling yes, both individual and couple.  I don't know your man.  Maybe he is a pathetic cheating chump. But if the contact was pretty innocent (Did you hear Sally and Roger are dating now?  Jane and Bill had a boy. What was the name of that Italian Restaurant in Newark?") and he knew you would blow up, he may have wanted to hide something innocent.


Half the human race are female and he is going to have to interact with them.  If he is going to be nagged every time he talks to a woman, he is going to get tired of you really soon. Heck, my husband feels comfortable telling me that "whoa, look at those boobs" and stuff like that and I don't mind because mine are the only ones he will actually be playing with. 


If you grasp him too hard you may find that he is oozing around your fingers.

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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3 years ago  ::  Nov 04, 2011 - 8:51AM #10
Stormgp
Posts: 10

to be honest he did mention that he didnt want to say anything about the sms's because he didnt want to disrupt our lives and he knew how i would react.  Yeah i understand what your saying. im gna try the councelling thing and hopfully it works :-) also gna let go a little more and choose my battles wisely...


thank you for all the great advise, this could really save my relationship...mwah much appreciated

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