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Switch to Forum Live View Is it time to really let go?
3 years ago  ::  Oct 09, 2011 - 5:02PM #1
southernpeach
Posts: 21
My husband and I have been separated since June, but we see each other almost everyday and talk everyday because we have a three year old. The way we have worked it out is he keeps her while I work my tweleve hour shift at night and sleep during the day ( but I usually go see her at least 30 mns. a day) and when I am off my three to four nights I have her. We have really tried to make this easy on her, but at the same time we talk not only just about her. I still tell him about work, my family and friends, and he does the same. We both send each other pics of her when we have her and what she is doing. Recently we talked about him moving back in for fincial reasons ( I know bad thing to have done) and at first he said yes but then a day later told me he thought it was not a good idea. So I am dealing with the feelings of rejection all over again. All this has got me thinking what I really want. Let me say I do not belive in divorce unless there is cheating involved, I belive that only way it is ok according to the Bible. I pray and pray and talk to God about my  marriage. And I feel I should give it time. Thing is this not the first time we have separated and done this. I do not want to keep doing this and feel it will just continue with him. By no means did I have a bad nor good marriage. He never has called me names, hit or anything like that. He encouraged me to go back to school, but at the same time he never said I love you any more, or told me I was beautiful and there was no real affection or intimacy ( for the most part years, every once n awhile he would want some affection) and I feel and belive I deserve that. That I deserve to have some one say I love you and all the other stuff. He has told me to move on with my life. And I start to tell him I do have a life I work, go to school, help my mother and everyonce in a whiile I will get togther with my friends. Told him if he means dating I do not have the time and he tell me he does not mean I should date. But apart of me thinks maybe it is time for me to start dating or thinking about it. So is it wrong for me to move on and start dating? Is it a wise thing for me to do?
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3 years ago  ::  Oct 10, 2011 - 5:36PM #2
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407

Welcome back, southernpeach, and sorry for the ongoing problems in your marriage. You are finding it difficult to choose a path - you are clear that the on-again off-again cycle is not working for you any more, and there is still a part of you that is hoping for a reconciliation to the kind of relationship you have always wished for. And there’s another part of you that feels ready to move on to other possible relationships. Have you considered Retrouvaille as a possible way to get clear about whether the marriage can be saved or ended?

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3 years ago  ::  Oct 11, 2011 - 2:39PM #3
southernpeach
Posts: 21

I have thought about it and looked into it but he will not do it. I even ask for marriage counseling and his reply is we tried that once. And once is right he went one time and would not go back.

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3 years ago  ::  Oct 12, 2011 - 11:27AM #4
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407

Oct 11, 2011 -- 2:39PM, southernpeach wrote:

I have thought about it and looked into it but he will not do it. I even ask for marriage counseling and his reply is we tried that once. And once is right he went one time and would not go back.


Maybe he expected one session to fix things once and for all.


It's understandable that he be reluctant to go to marriage counseling, especially if he was unimpressed with the first visit. Not all marriage counselors are that great, so he may have a point.


If you two do nothing at all, then the relationship will stay as bad - check that, it will get worse, since relationships never stand still, but are always either improving or worsening.


Maybe he has some thoughts on what might be done to make things better between the two of you. Or maybe he is content with the status quo. Or possibly is completely done with the marriage altogether.


If he is content with the way things are or is completely finished with the marriage, then what is the hope for having the kind of relationship that you desire?

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3 years ago  ::  Oct 15, 2011 - 12:58AM #5
Hatman
Posts: 9,634

SP-


Just the other day, i observed to an acquaintance that "Gettin' old ain't fer sissies," and he replied, "Neither is marriage."


Don't know if that'll help convince your husband that an actual marriage, a REAL one, takes work, sometimes blood, sweat and tears.


Personally, if he's unwilling to work at making the marriage better, if he's not going to value "the relationship" over his own personal wants/desires, it may be time to apply the age-old Lander's sisters criterion:  "Am I better off with him, or without him?", and make your plans accordingly.


Personally, if i had a wife who was uninterested in doing all she could to make our relationship work better(especially if she was selfish/a wastrel with dough/unappreciative of what i've done for her, the sacrifices i made to help her life be better), i wouldn't hesitate to end the relationship, as it's NOT a relationship; it's a master-slave association, or something close to that; it's one individual considering their needs/wants/desires to be FAR more important than those of their other half, which sounds to me like that individual is awful damn selfish, unworthy to be CONSIDERED as being a valued and grateful partner in life.


Warmest regards-


Hatman

"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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3 years ago  ::  Feb 05, 2012 - 2:33PM #6
southernpeach
Posts: 21

Just a update.. we did move back in and for the most part it was a good friendship slash roommate situation. I say that because we never really acted like a married couple ( the romantic, emotional, or anything affectionate). Just like before some issues came up and well he is now staying at a friend's house and we are talking about divorce. I am very confuse I would say about what I want. I had been praying for awhile for either God to move in him or move him out of my life. I say that because we had been living in a loveless marriage where I felt like my wants did not matter for years, but felt it was my obligation to stay in it. But I had begun wondering why would God want me to stay in this. God would want me to be happy and have all the romantic stuff that I deserve. Still though I wanted it to be with him, and that is why I prayed for God to move in him and if not move him out my life. And as we sat there argueing( me begging him for one more chance) I felt like God was tellig me "Let go, I am trying to move him out your life. That I have been trying to for years but you won't let go" so I said ok. At first I felt a lot of emotions I was releaved, excited and looking forward to what the future may hold. Even though I am not out looking for someone new already I do belive God will bring me someone eventually that will treat me the way I should be treated. Then in the last few days I have started doubting all of it. I have started wondering maybe I didnt pray hard enough when I was trying to save our marriage or maybe I should give him another try cause we are just like before good friends already. So right now I am struggleing to what I want and what to pray for. Should I pray for restoration in my marriage or should I pray for healing emtionally. For the time I just been praying for God's will be done cause I have no clue what it is.

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2 years ago  ::  Nov 29, 2012 - 7:26AM #7
Ksushil970
Posts: 31

 Take this decision yourself. If you really fadeup all these then its good to move soon and take a new start up towards your life.





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