Stalker- i have often noted the same thing, albeit by way of analogy; i think of a perfect relationship like that of two trees, planted neither too far apart nor too close together, such that as they grow, some of their branches and roots intertwine, providing mutual support during stormy times, but drawing much-if-not-most of their sustenance from outside the relationship, to bring it in and share it.
FMO, problems arise when one begins to look to the other to bring them EVERYthing they want or need, and becomes jealous/possessive/controlling when the provider balks at being the recipient's "everything."
IMO, love---to BE love---needs to grow. When it doesn't grow, it stagnates and/or withers. One who looks to only one other to provide them with everything they think they need or want has placed an impossible burden on them, one which is usually resented quite soon, for though the provider will often attempt to mask/hide it for a long time, there are usually at least passive-aggressive "hints" that are dropped---until a boiling point is reached...
Warmest regards-
Hatman
"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance." -- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
It's entirely true that expecting your partner to make you happy is a trap, and it does not work, not in the long term. What I don't understand is the idea that for each of them to work on their own happiness, they must do it apart from the other.
My boyfriend and I both have our own hobbies and activities and jobs, and we both understand that we need to each find what we want to do and do it. However, much if not most of the time (for us), we've found even greater happiness in pursuing our interests and sharing them with the other person. So much so that probably over half of the things I now do that make me happy I got into because he introduced me to them. We take the attitude that we're each scouts, going out into the world looking for things that are interesting and cool (or that we think the other person would find so), then reporting back.
There are a few things that each of us likes that the other isn't interested in. These we pursue with the same enthusiasm as the ones we share. But, the ones we share outnumber those, and a large number of the ones we share are things that I would not have expected to enjoy so much.
The way I see it, the trap is looking for a primary source of happiness within the relationship. I take the view that each person should look for happiness in the greater world, then bring it back to share within the relationship. If some couples find some apart time helps them to be happier people, and thus to be happier couples, all the more power to them. But, I don't think that's necessarily the message here.
The message is, a happy marriage is built upon a foundation of happy individuals, not the other way around. However, how they go about being individually happy and, from there, happy together, is up to the couple.
I once lived with the idea that I needed to have a separate life aside from the role I played as husband to my wife. I do not feel this way any longer. In my first marriage, I needed to be alone. Primarily because I chose a very poor partner for myself. She did not accept me for who I was and made it her business to dictate every aspect of my life...so I removed myself as best I could from the relationship, developed separate individual interests and defended this independent self vehemently. We divorced in 2006 and I have since met an amazing woman who loves me, all of me, and enjoys everything that I am. As a result, I want to spend all my time with her. We have mutual interests and we are best friends.
I understand that some people need space in their marriage, however, for me, that "space" was the result of not wanting to spend time with the woman I married. It was a sign that things were not going well.
