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3 years ago  ::  Sep 27, 2011 - 9:15PM #1
JRomey
Posts: 6
Greetings Peeps - Been dealing with some Fears & was trying to figure out how to conquer them. in Are Fears in relationships a product of past betrayal/mistrust, etc?  Or can a Fear that is triggered be the product of something else?  I pray on this and try to figure it out, however, at times these Fears of being betrayed, etc. sort of dominates my current relationship.  My beautiful girlfriend is supportive, however, I keep feeling that I will be betrayed.  Any ideas or have others experienced this? 
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3 years ago  ::  Sep 28, 2011 - 10:44AM #2
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407

Welcome to Beliefnet JRomey and to our little corner here.


My take is that the kind of fear you describe comes from all of a person's past experiences, not necessarily just those involving past relationships. Maybe you have had experience being betrayed previously. In that case, it is natural to be afraid that it will happen again. Emotional pain, especially of betrayal, is some of the most devastating that can be experienced.


Fears can also arise from childhood experiences as well.


My experience is that understanding emotions like fear doesn't help in dealing with its impact on me or on my relationships. Allowing fear to dominate a relationship will cause it harm or even its demise. Oddly enough, sharing difficult feelings with one's partner in a way that doesn't blame or shame can lead to deeper intimacy.

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3 years ago  ::  Sep 28, 2011 - 8:17PM #3
JRomey
Posts: 6

Thank you so much!  I am new here and hope to learn ALOT!!!  I just want to get through my FEARS and hope that through a personal relationship with God as well as looking within my SELF that I can overcome and have a successful and loving relationship.

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3 years ago  ::  Sep 28, 2011 - 8:32PM #4
REteach
Posts: 14,406

Look into cognitive behavioral therapy.  It is a short term tool kit for dealing with things like anxiety and depression.

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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3 years ago  ::  Sep 28, 2011 - 8:40PM #5
JRomey
Posts: 6

Sep 28, 2011 -- 8:32PM, REteach wrote:

Look into cognitive behavioral therapy.  It is a short term tool kit for dealing with things like anxiety and depression.


Thank you so much!  Another quick question:: I know, the newbie with ALL the questions - lol!!!  How do you tell if your FEARS are YOUR fears that are associated with past betrayal, etc. or givin as an warning or to "be careful" with that person, etc.?  I am still having a hard time deciphering between the two at times.  Although, I know in my heart & gut that this is most likely my own FEAR or a stronghold built from Satan...ya know?

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3 years ago  ::  Sep 29, 2011 - 4:38PM #6
astral_tourist
Posts: 8

I understand this fear. I need to be very careful that such irrational fears do not actually cause the very thing I fear from happening: the break-up of my relationship. I know that my wife has been married before, that she has had sex with a few other men. But I also know that she and I are very much in love and that she chose to be with me, to spend time with me and to love me. I need to celebrate this love by honoring and respecting her as my wife. If I am consumed by the fear that she will somehow lose her feelings for me, or that she is secretly plotting to betray me, I will act according to this fear...I will start to show signs of distrust, which will cause her to respond defensively and question my love for her. I know that if I am fully present to my wife, love her with all my heart, treat her respectfully and nurture a consistent and intimate level of communication with her on a daily basis, that I really have nothing to fear. I am blessed to have my wife as my best friend. It is a relief to let go of the fear that constricted me for so long. Pray, yes. And trust! 

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3 years ago  ::  Sep 29, 2011 - 8:35PM #7
REteach
Posts: 14,406

I frankly don't think we can possibly identify all the things that have happened to us that make us what we are, what we fear, where we feel inadequate. 


I guess my general thoughts would be: If you have been going along well with this person and then something changed, it might be more significant than if you have felt worried all along.  However, it could be that you are more worried because you have started loving more and feel you have more to lose. 


Some people are simply more anxious than others. Alas, I guess my best advice would be "know thyself."  Which is generally much easier said than done. 

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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3 years ago  ::  Sep 29, 2011 - 8:57PM #8
JRomey
Posts: 6

Sep 29, 2011 -- 4:38PM, astral_tourist wrote:

I understand this fear. I need to be very careful that such irrational fears do not actually cause the very thing I fear from happening: the break-up of my relationship. I know that my wife has been married before, that she has had sex with a few other men. But I also know that she and I are very much in love and that she chose to be with me, to spend time with me and to love me. I need to celebrate this love by honoring and respecting her as my wife. If I am consumed by the fear that she will somehow lose her feelings for me, or that she is secretly plotting to betray me, I will act according to this fear...I will start to show signs of distrust, which will cause her to respond defensively and question my love for her. I know that if I am fully present to my wife, love her with all my heart, treat her respectfully and nurture a consistent and intimate level of communication with her on a daily basis, that I really have nothing to fear. I am blessed to have my wife as my best friend. It is a relief to let go of the fear that constricted me for so long. Pray, yes. And trust! 


Thank you astral_tourist - I actually am going to use what you stated as my mantra!  It is hard when we have been hurt, betrayed and the trust has been broken many times.  Especially when you have put your trust in someone close to you and it gotten taken away!  I am fighting hard and pray - knowing that God is working on me & is there through it!  God Bless & Thanks again =))

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3 years ago  ::  Sep 29, 2011 - 9:00PM #9
JRomey
Posts: 6

Sep 29, 2011 -- 8:35PM, REteach wrote:

I frankly don't think we can possibly identify all the things that have happened to us that make us what we are, what we fear, where we feel inadequate. 


I guess my general thoughts would be: If you have been going along well with this person and then something changed, it might be more significant than if you have felt worried all along.  However, it could be that you are more worried because you have started loving more and feel you have more to lose. 


Some people are simply more anxious than others. Alas, I guess my best advice would be "know thyself."  Which is generally much easier said than done. 


Thank you REteach!!  When you say "something changed" you mean with the relationship or the trust being broken?  My biggest FEAR is that the thing that I am FEARING will be right in the end...ya know?  I just do not want to be "right" again!  I am trying to decipher between INSTINCTS and FEAR based upon my past....


 

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3 years ago  ::  Oct 01, 2011 - 11:35AM #10
REteach
Posts: 14,406

Sep 29, 2011 -- 9:00PM, JRomey wrote:


Thank you REteach!!  When you say "something changed" you mean with the relationship or the trust being broken?  My biggest FEAR is that the thing that I am FEARING will be right in the end...ya know?  I just do not want to be "right" again!  I am trying to decipher between INSTINCTS and FEAR based upon my past....


 



Either. Both. The problem is that your fear can drive your partner away.  There can be self-fulfilling prophecies, you know.  


 


Suspicion Minds lyrics:


We're caught in a trap 
I can't walk out 
Because I love you too much baby 

Why can't you see 
What you're doing to me 
When you don't believe a word I say? 

We can't go on together 
With suspicious minds 
And we can't build our dreams 
On suspicious minds 

So, if an old friend I know 
Drops by to say hello 
Would I still see suspicion in your eyes? 

Here we go again 
Asking where I've been 
You can't see these tears are real 
I'm crying 

We can't go on together 
With suspicious minds 
And we can't build our dreams 
On suspicious minds 

Oh let our love survive 
Or dry the tears from your eyes 
Let's don't let a good thing die 

When honey, you know 
I've never lied to you 
Mmm yeah, yeah 

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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