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3 years ago  ::  Sep 27, 2011 - 5:21AM #1
verysad
Posts: 5

First of all I will tell you that Iam not a religious person.

I am an Englishman currently in England, My wife is in Cebu Philippines, In march this year a guy from your chuch came over to cebu to visit my wife who is also lds he stayed for 2 weeks vacation,
My wife is now pregnant with his child, now I know it takes two to tango, but is this the act of a good man, I do not know the guys name or where he lives, so I cannot contact him, I have to young children with my wife and this man has ruined my life.

Kind Regards.

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3 years ago  ::  Sep 27, 2011 - 8:11AM #2
REteach
Posts: 14,450

I suspect this will be moved to the relationships board. 


First, I am very sorry, too.  Cheating is always a blow.  Cheating with a child on the way is even more difficult.


Nobody can tell you what to do.  Your circumstances are yours.  I can tell you that a marriage can survive cheating, and became happy again, if that is the route you want to follow. 


I wish you luck.  This is going to be hard and hurt for a while.

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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3 years ago  ::  Sep 27, 2011 - 10:22AM #3
DotNotInOz
Posts: 6,833

Professional counseling for yourself is what I would suggest. A "paid friend" can help you sort out what you feel is best to do much better than people on a message board.


Marriage counseling would also be a very good idea, particularly if you decide you want to attempt to save your marriage.


What a painful situation to find yourself in!

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3 years ago  ::  Sep 27, 2011 - 11:06AM #4
Hatman
Posts: 9,634
VerySad-
i certainly understand that being betrayed would engender feelings of sadness, even depression, as well as rage.
But why are you separated from her by 12,000-odd miles?  And how long were you separated before she became pregnant?  FMO, many spouses justify adultery on the grounds of being neglected and/or abandoned, though personally, i feel that adultery is NEVER justifiable under ANY circumstances, as this is a not only a violation of ethical principles, but also fidelity and everything that makes a marriage a marriage.

If you want to have indiscriminate sex, don't get married; if you want additional relationships, get divorced before beginning them.

i have never found anything but foolishness in those who betray their promises of faithfulness and integrity.  If you're not strong enough to MAKE those promises and MEAN them, again, don't get married!

The LDS member should be excommunicated for his choice of betrayal, too, and not only you and your wife, but also his religious principles and the One to whom he'd pledged his faith...oh, and required to pay child-support for the next 18-odd years, too.

For me, adultery is one of the "three A's" up with which i will not put.  i would divorce her asap, but it's not my marriage.  It's yours.  For me, unrepentant adultery, abuse or addiction, combined with an unwillingness to do whatever it takes to rectify and correct these behaviors, is more-than-enough justification to end a relationship of any kind.  You DO teach people how to treat you by what you will or will not accept, and i, for one, simply will not accept that kind of behavior from my spouse or even someone i'm dating.

However, many relationships can survive and thrive after adultery, IF both partners are willing to do the work and keep the commitments with more integrity in future.  "Get counseling" would be mandatory IF you BOTH want the marriage to survive.  But make up your mind quickly; a quick severance is infinitely preferable to a long, drawn-out, agonizing period of years of suffering while the marriage slowly dies.

Warmest regards-

Hatman
"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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3 years ago  ::  Sep 27, 2011 - 11:06AM #5
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407

 


verysad, welcome to Beliefnet and to this corner. The circumstances in your marriage are very sad indeed, and it is completely understandable to feel devastated by what happened. Such things can be difficult to talk about, and I encourage you to share your thoughts and feelings as much as possible.


Maybe you are starting to have some idea of where you want to take things. Is this the end of your marriage as far as you are concerned, or do you hold out some hope for reconciliation?


I wish you all the best in this difficult time, and encourage you to share more about what is going on for you.

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3 years ago  ::  Sep 27, 2011 - 12:42PM #6
verysad
Posts: 5

Thankyou all so much, I just needed to talk to someone, but i have no one that i want to know about this.


As I said I live in England and my wife is in the Philippines, I have not been there for 4 years,not by choice but circumstances, I see my wife and children most days on the internet,  I have supported them and her family for over 8 years, paying for everything such as schooling, funerals, hospital etc,I know that is not perfect, but it is the best I can do at the moment, it was my intention to go and live there permanently in 1 years time when i have enough money saved, but it has been hard because i have to send money over there too, so it has taken longer... My wife says she thought I was never going to go back, She started to chat with another lds from America and they became friends, He went over for a 2 week vacation,she said the physical side took over and he told her he would take her and my 2 children to America to live, I really love my wife and would do anything to keep her and my children, And I can half understand her situation, even though I have never cheated on any person in my life,If it meant me raising this baby up as my own, then I would do so, I would have no objection to the guy coming to visit the baby, would even adopt it if thats what he wanted, I would not want any child support from him, I am very worried about if it is easy  to get my wife and children out of the country and to America, I have little rights in the Philippines as a foreigner, The wives hold all the cards and doesnt need her husbands permission to leave the country with my children, I have been chatting to her and explained how I feel about the situation, And she seems to be listening to me, but I cannot tell for sure what she is really thinking and a little worried she might just be trying to playcate me so she can leave the country, I really do not want to lose her, I love her that much.


Thanks for listening and comments

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3 years ago  ::  Sep 27, 2011 - 2:35PM #7
REteach
Posts: 14,450

Lots of times when I hear "I don't have enough money to do that" it means "I don't have enough money to move to the Phillipines and still enjoy my comforts"  You might have to decide what is most important to you.

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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3 years ago  ::  Sep 27, 2011 - 2:52PM #8
verysad
Posts: 5

I am not talking about comfort, my family over there have every comfort they need, roof over their head, school fees, hospital fees, food on the table, any medicine that might be needed, clothes, everyday living, they get all that now, if I were to go now they wouldnt get that, I am not old enough yet for a pension, so if I moved now I would have no income, all I would have is what I have saved now which is not enough, but will be in 1 more years time, The Philippines is not as cheap as some people think it is, I can do without luxeries, but need all of the above.


Kind Regards

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3 years ago  ::  Sep 27, 2011 - 3:19PM #9
REteach
Posts: 14,450

Can they join you?

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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3 years ago  ::  Sep 27, 2011 - 3:25PM #10
verysad
Posts: 5

Hi my children could but very hard to get wife over, it took my friend 7 years and 3 children before he got his wife over


Regards

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