Thanks, Karbie, for sharing your story. Fortuneately, we had already been planning the wedding - he proposed over Easter weekend. We had already gone shopping for the dress together and since we were supposed to fly away, my bouquet is ready - a simple silk orchid stem and a little greenery. So a lot of things had already been planned and arranged. All we had to do is change venue, and it is working out beautifully - mutual friends told us about another mutual friend's hobby of photography, which we did not know about. He is doing all our photography for that day as a wedding gift to us. It's amazing how it's all just fallen into place.....we could even keep the same date and time, etc. We even found a tux rental shop that has the same tux he was going to rent back "home."
That is beautiful about your grandpas walking you down the aisle. I have asked my son to do the honour, and hope he will say yes. As a family, it is OUR day. And for us it is about sharing the celebration with our community - my pastor's wife is my best friend and will be my matron of honour, and most of our friends are involved in some way, even if to help cut the cakes. It will be a wonderful time of sharing and celebration for all of us. It is amazing how our community here has come together to help make this happen for us!
And thank you for your wish of a lifetime of love. You've got 34 years under your belt. If we need any advice, we'll post here. ;o) But I have the feeling we will be better than fine, and will indeed share a lifetime of love.
I'd like to add my congratulations to you both. It's so wonderful that you are bringing his parents to the wedding. I married a friend's older brother, and I undesrstand rushing--he proposed on August 15th and we got married on October 22. My wedding gown squeaked into town on Thursday..and our wedding was that Saturday....I knew who was walking me down the aisle, I just didn't know in what. Kudos to you both on your consideration for each other's feelings.
My father had died, but both of my Grandpas were alive and both walked me down the aisle. the idea of choosing one over the other and inflicting that kind of pain on one of them was something I couldn't do. If it hadn't been possible, I'd have gone down the aisle by myself. That was almost 34 years ago; I wish you both a lifetime of love.
My main problems with Bridezillas is the supreme selfishness and lack of consideration for the people they should be thanking for all the hours they spend on "HER day". Anytime a bride wonders if she's over the top, it's easy--if they aren't thinking of it as "our day" or "the day we start our lives together", it's time for a reality check. I just had one attendant-his sister--and I let her pick out her own gown so it would be something she really could use again.
It's funny, isn't it? The overblown entitlement brides who want it to be their day to shine and be treated like a Princess don't remember all the rules that a Princess has to follow in real life. My daughter-in-law is a gem and I've always been grateful she realized my son was too shy and too much of a gentleman to make the first move. She showed me pictures of the wedding dress she'd picked out and we loved her right away. Her parents welcomed our son with open arms. The relationship you are going to have with his parents by bringing them here for the wedding will only grow deeper and more loving as time passes.
"You are letting your opinion be colored by facts again." 'When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you." these are both from my father.
Now I'm trying to imagine you on one of those "bridzilla" shows! *ducking and running*
lol. Careful, Arnie, I might beat you with my bouquet!
Yes, my guy is pretty amazing and our friends and church are fully supportive of us. We've had a couple of little conflicts before that were so easily resolved that I don't even remember what they were about. But Arnie, you are right about keeping the love and respect toward each other in spite of the conflict, and about getting to the motivators or underlying reasons rather than digging in the heels for a stronger stance against the other. And this is pretty much affirmed in our conflict - it is communication, authenticity, transparency and caring which preserve the relationship, and preserving the relationship is more important than "winning" a conflict.
You deserve a better-than-good man, and it appears you've found one. Fantastic news! May you spend many happy years together, growing closer rather than apart.
Warmest regards-
Hatman
"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance." -- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
How you two have handled this is a terrific harbinger of how your marriage will be. I believe that conflict is inevitable in any relationship, and it also appears to be inevitable that there will be hurts and hurt feelings. None of that need diminish the quality of the relationship or the love for each other, if it is addressed in as thoughtful and effective manner as you have.
I see two important principles: one is an attitude of love and respect, for both oneself as well as for the other person. The second is a willingness to dig beneath the "position" that has been staked out and get to the essence of why that is being taken. In other words, understanding (and comunicating) what was beneath each of your respective stances led to a constructive dialogue about the importance of his maintainging a good relationship with his family. This is so much better than digging into entreched positions that can lead to a war.
Now I'm trying to imagine you on one of those "bridzilla" shows! *ducking and running*
May you and he be blessed all the days of your life!
Thanks, everyone. Well, we had a bit of a "heated" discussion - no argument, no yelling, just heated (he is a good, peaceful man and excellent communicator). During this discussion, I asked him again what exactly the point was in going there. Eventually it came out that it is to preserve their relationship. He was afraid the relationship was going to suffer because he moved so far away from them and has been unable to participate in their lives to the extent he had all his life.
Once we broke it down to the very nuts and bolts of what was going on, it was so much easier to address. I let him know that it is not attending a wedding there which will preserve the relationship; rather, it is being communicative, authentic and transparent with them which will preserve it. We decided that he would talk with them, and after he did, if he still wanted to do it there, I would.
As it turns out, his parents were already thinking about how we should have it here for immigration purposes, and they were all excited at the idea of coming here for a wedding and vacation combo. It is like a huge weight is lifted from my fiancee, and he is back to his regular happy, lovable self.
Now we have a wedding to plan in the next four and a half weeks!
I also fail to see any dishonor is offering to fly his family over for your wedding, paying their way, especially considering the circumstances.
Personally, I would not make an ultimatum. Firstly because I hate them; any significant decision for a couple should be made as a result of discussion. An ultimatum about a wedding day would be a terrible way to start a lifelong marriage in my opinion, and would likely result in him resenting you, which is no improvement on the current situation of you resenting him. Secondly (and I really don't mean to come across as harsh or judgmental, I know the ultimatum was a suggestion for you, not your own idea, and I don't know whether you are even considering it), it seems to me that if a single day of not getting your way is worth not getting married over, then you really have no business getting married in the first place.
However, I would be very firm and insistent that as his soon-to-be-wife, he needs to honor you, just as much as his parents. Suggest, perhaps, that if he is not willing to let you fly his family down to your home for your wedding, that instead he pays to fly a couple of your friends and/or family up there for you. Also make it clear that risking being apart for that first year of marriage unnecessarily is quite disrespectful towards you, and ask him how he would make it up to you, both the stress and anxiety of not knowing in the first place, and also the actual year of separation, if it happens.
Also, I wonder if you could write to someone in the boarder crossing office where you and he will be and explain the situation. It won't be a guarantee, but a friendly and courteous heads up may make them more likely to let him through.
I sympathize with your situation, and I don't envy the position he has put you in. However, I've seen picture perfect wedding days that ended in messy divorces, and far-from-perfect wedding days that led to wonderful, happy marriages. If you really do believe that he is the right person, and you like the way he treats you other than this one very isolated situation, I would marry him regardless. A lifelong marriage to the right person would be worth the far-from-ideal wedding, and would even be worth a year of separation if it came to that.
Congratulations, and I wish you and he a long, happy marriage.
