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Switch to Forum Live View Betrayed after 27 years
7 years ago  ::  Sep 01, 2011 - 7:22AM #1
Posts: 4
I was married for 27 years only to be blindsided by my husbands 1 year affair which when I discovered it, he left me for his girlfriend. I am having trouble pulling out of deep depression and heartache. Saddest of all I still love him. He knows this and uses it to manipulate my feelings. I feel as if I have no energy or hope and can't stand the thought of the ongoing pain. I cry constantly and worry that I am losing my mind. If anyone out there has gotten through anything similar, please any advice would help.
Thank you
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7 years ago  ::  Sep 01, 2011 - 12:23PM #2
Posts: 1

My situation is similar....but different.  My husband of 25 yrs (this month) moved 3 hrs away for a new job and didn't tell me for 6 months that it was actually a separation and he doesn't want to be married to me anymore.  He says he's not mad at me, doesn't hate me...just doesnt want to be married.  We have 3 grown children and 25 yrs of memories.  The last 5-6 have been very stressful with "life" events but I had no idea that divorce was even in the picture.  I'm trying to move on but cant seem to figure out how.  I have a job that I love.  The kids are supportive of both of us.  But I still feel like something is missing.  I miss so much about him and was looking forward to this time when our kids were grown and we could actually spend time together.  Now I feel like I'm just lost.  I feel like everyone has moved on and left me behind.

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7 years ago  ::  Sep 18, 2011 - 1:50AM #3
Posts: 1

I know how you are feeling. My husband of 34 years reconnected with a woman on Facebook who he'd always had feelings for. It only took 2 weeks for him to decide that she was the one he should be with and not me. He not only told her he loved her but was willing to give up everything for her.  This affair lasted over 3 months. He told me he ended it with her but I found out later he told her that he would always wait for her. It's been over a year but I still feel the hurt and betrayal and yes I still cry everyday. There has been no closure on this for me since he told me he would never apologize for loving her. We are still married but the trust is gone. I keep wondering when or if they will start another affair. I found out the worst thing was not having someone to talk to about this. It would have helped since I was so upset. Hopefully in time our pain of betrayal will diminish.

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7 years ago  ::  Sep 23, 2011 - 7:22PM #4
Posts: 1,407

A belated welcome to Beliefnet and to this little corner, AloneAfter27, Txdiamond, and feelingblue. I am so sorry for the pain you are experiencing in your marriages. Coping with the aftermath of an affair is one of the most difficult things that a couple can do, and the pain of a spouse's infidelity is one of the worst that anyone can experience. It becomes very difficult to trust anyone again, let alone the one who betrayed you.

If there is a desire to heal the marriage, then please know it actually is quite possible to do so with the right kind of work. It usually takes working with a counselor or attending a marriage program for hurting couples, such as Retrouvaille.

of course if one's spouse has moved out and moved on, there is little that can be done for the marriage - but either way it is often best to begin looking at oneself. Although you cannot change another person, nor can you make choices for them, you can make choices for yourself.

You are all in my thoughts and prayers during this painful time.


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4 years ago  ::  Jun 29, 2014 - 12:47PM #5
Posts: 293

It has been a while since I have checked in with BeliefNet, but n email prompted me today. I do know that the last time I was here, I thought I was happily married. I honestly believe at the time we were. 

We have struggled since '04. I had a cerebral anuerysm in June of that year. After I 'halfway' recovered I did go back to work, for about 9 months. Hubby made me quit and apply for SS disability. After a little over 1 year I was approved. Before approval, he lost is job. hr found nother, but we really struggled because it was less than he once made, and I had no insurance to go along with the afteffects of my illness. Funds were tight. But we were fine. He got called back to his old job, which made him happy. Life was getting better for us.  

I think the final tipping point for him was when his company finally closed down, in November of 2012. All he could find was part time work. he wound up working 3 jobs. He was never home, but was always broke. He totally took over all monetary funds. He totally used my disability and left me with maybe, 100 dollars a month. 

At this point, I felt I could no longer trust him, about anything...

We rarely talked and if we did, it was usually about money. Him saying he had no money, and me asking why. he had 3 jobs, all of my check, and the bills were not getting paid. We went went without electricity for 3 weeks, because he had no money. And yes, we have 2 kids together, who still lived at home. Not kids, 2 young adults. 

We just knew his grasp with reality was gone. I say he went crazy. 

My daughter moved out the first of August in 2013. My son moved out to his own apartment the following week. Once they were gone, he told me he was leaving. He told mr he wasnt happy, he was tired, he was leaving, and he was going to let them foreclose on the home. He also told me he wanted a divorce, and he would pay for it. He also promised to give me money to start up in  a new place, to fix our daughters car, and to rent a storage unit for my stuff. And with that he left. He left we with $2.91 in my checking account. 

I forgot to mention we were one month from our 28th wedding anniversary. 

This man I had loved wholeheartedly for all those years, just left. 

I sat there alone trying to figure out what I had done wrong. Day after day, after day. I blamed myself, and my sickly self. "I was sick too much". Or so I reasoned. 

But enough of that for now. 

Here I was at 50, broke, and brokenhearted. All I wanted to do was cry, and waller in my self pity.

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4 years ago  ::  Aug 06, 2014 - 3:46PM #6
Posts: 3,065
Judymae - I'm not a regularnposter here. Your story caught my eye. You sound like an incredibke woman, and I want to know what has happened since you last posted.
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