(((Code)))

First, I assume you are surrounded by medical professionals.  Follow the no-suicide contract. Do NOT kill yourself.

You are in mourning. Something real died.  Your relationship died. Your hopes and dreams died. Actually even worse than that. I had a neighbor who was both widowed and divorced. She thought the divorce was more painful.  Not only is the relationship gone, but you feel rejected.  

It sucks the big one,  no doubt. I like the way Paul Simon said it:  

“Losing love
Is like a window in your heart
Everybody sees you’re blown apart
Everybody sees the wind blow”

The thing is that as black as it looks now, it will get better.  It will get better.

You are not being melodramatic, something did die. And it is not going to come back to life. You may have played a role, but it is not your fault.  Stuff happens.

Keep up with the counseling. You will feel better in time, but no way will it get better fast enough. For a while, it is going to feel like forever. You need to be patient. If you feel like killing yourself again, call your counselor right away.

Hang in there. You will have a life again. 

Mar 29, 2012 -- 1:19PM, code wrote:

Hello, 

It has been a while since I posted last, things have been rocky for me.

I guess this is one of my low days. It seems what ever i have tried to do has been met with a resounding no.

I tried to start a new career and find out I dont fullfill any of the requirements. 

I have tried to study and find it hard to focus.

It just seems all doors are being steadily shut no matter what i try to do. Its hard to keep holding onto my faith and being patient.

People say time will heal all wounds but its almost  a year now and im still feeling as miserble as i was earlier. :((

Code-
What do you love to do?  Say?  Think about?

If what you find yourself continually thinking about is not helpful to you, then re-direct that energy by whatever means---counseling, prayer, forcing yourself to turn your thought elsewhere.

Perhaps this saying may prove helpful to you, but it's a double-edged sword:

"What you think about, you bring about..." or, as Proverbs puts it, "As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he."

If you find that you have a perverse desire to inflict pain upon yourself with your thought-life, only you can change that.

It may prove helpful to think of yourself as a stranger that you'd like to help, too.  What advice would you give this sad stranger?  How would you help her?

Suicide is not the answer, and you may wish to begin by returning thanks that you did not die, being grateful for the miracle of your life.

i attempted suicide several times, myself(unsuccessfully, duh); i could have used my failure to die as yet more evidence of my incompetence, and grown even more depressed, right?  (Probably did for a time, too.)

But what was finally revealed to me was that even if i ever DID manage to kill myself, if i was EXTREMELY lucky, i might be given another chance at life again, to learn the lessons i was too cowardly to face in this life, BUT---in far worse circumstances than in my present one, too!

So, as in my case, you may wish to start with the very simple things to give thanks for: breathing without pain, being able to walk/jump/run, see, speak, write, taste, hear---never taking any of these gifts for granted, but cherishing them!  After all, there are quite a few in this world who would dearly love to be able to do many of the things you apparently are taking quite lightly right now, under-appreciating the gifts of the Father of Lights.

Once you establish and maintain that "attitude of gratitude" for at least 3 weeks, begin to look for opportunities to help others, and as anonymously as possible, such that only God and you will know who you helped.  Remember, giving anonymously is only part of the test; not ever bragging about it to anyone---ever---is another part, probably one of the hardest.

Return thanks always---for a bird's song, for a ray of sunlight on a cloudy day, for a cool breeze when you're sweating, for rain on parched earth, for warmth when it's cold, for a green light---and when you're more practiced at returning thanks for the good things happening all around you constantly(that you haven't been paying attention to), then you might be ready to practice giving thanks for red lights, difficult people, fussing/fighting birds, and other things most consider to be "bad," for even that which we currently hate can teach us valuable lessons, if we are willing to hear(and bear) them.

Warmest regards-

Hatman

Mar 29, 2012 -- 1:19PM, code wrote:

Hello, 

It has been a while since I posted last, things have been rocky for me.

I guess this is one of my low days. It seems what ever i have tried to do has been met with a resounding no.

I tried to start a new career and find out I dont fullfill any of the requirements. 

I have tried to study and find it hard to focus.

It just seems all doors are being steadily shut no matter what i try to do. Its hard to keep holding onto my faith and being patient.

People say time will heal all wounds but its almost  a year now and im still feeling as miserble as i was earlier. :((

Hello Code:

In reading all of this, and after everything that I have been through. I would like to say I am truly sorry for what has happened to you.

I know you've tried to contact him before, but there was something that helped me greatly when I had that kind of relationship issue. I wrote him a letter. A long, anger filled, lonesome feeling letter. I never sent it... But it helped me to release it.

When I was able to let go of him, I focused on my faith and self. Not so much to move on, but to just be. Some times it's hard, but you have to find you in the middle of your turmoil. I took a break and things didn't fall into place, but they were easier to accept. And it lead me to a wonderful journey I've been on for almost nine years.

I agree with Hatman, and also RETeach. You have to help you, and sometimes you need the direction of someone on the outside. But you still have to make the effort.

I hope this helps, and I hope you can find your peace. :)  ♥