Post Reply
Page 1 of 2  •  1 2 Next
Switch to Forum Live View 7year relationship comming to an abrupt end............what to do now?
3 years ago  ::  Aug 06, 2011 - 5:03PM #1
code
Posts: 7

Hi, this is rather long but I will try to condense it as much as possible.
We ,my fiance  and I were supposed to be getting married earlier this year, he had been busy with his new job and had delayed sending over his paper work,he finally sent it,and then did not get round to getting a date for the actual wedding.By the time he got in touch with my folks for a date, my mom said no she wouldnt talk to him and that was it,if i went ahead wiht it i would be dead to her.Emotional black mail i know.


I talked to his family and told them what was happening, they said do what your family wants.


I had asked him even then lets just get married on our own but he did not agree to anything.Things had gotten messy with his family now.He had been ignoring me and my calls all that time.


He finally called me when he was leaving the US and going back home to be with his family.He said he would call but he didnt.
I called a couple of times and he said he would try to persuade his folks, he never called back.


I finally stopped calling him for about a month or so, and then his family got in touch with me, they are saying i should travel down there, and that he thinks of me.He was out at the time we video chatted , so i said well there is no use my comming there if he himself does not want me there.Ask him to call me and let me know he wants me to come , and i will definately travel there.
He has not called back.



There is no way i can set up an accidental meeting with him, hes half the world away.He is not reply texts or calls.
Should i just fly down there and hope he will agree to the marriage, his family seems to be confident he will be, but he has not made any motions himself :(


I have invested 7 years of my life with him and cant seem to get him out of my head or heart.Everyone says move on and get married to someone else but Im stuck , please someone give me some suggestions.............




He had called initially in the early days, saying he was missing me, i said well we know what we need to do, move on with our lives, get married, but he was reluctant to do so, because of the trouble he was having with his family now..........
This was in april its about 4 months now............. i miss him like crasy what can i do to salvage this relationship............
Quick Reply
Cancel
3 years ago  ::  Aug 06, 2011 - 7:23PM #2
Hatman
Posts: 9,634
Sweetie-
If you like being ignored, treated like dirt, disparaged and discouraged, having contempt heaped upon you and so on, you are a masochist and should marry him, and you'll be happily unhappy for the rest of your life.

OTOH, if you are a normal human being who thrives on attention, kindness, appreciation, concern for your welfare, the protection of yourself from potential enemies/attackers and so on, then you need to dump him like 4 months ago, then move on with your life.

Quit the pining, and quit it right now.

Remember this always: what he does(or doesn't do) speaks far louder than any of his words, and if you don't like how he's treating you NOW, it ain't gonna git no better after you marry him---in most cases, it will get worse, far worse---like beatings and possible murder.

Warmest regards-

Hatman
"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
Quick Reply
Cancel
3 years ago  ::  Aug 07, 2011 - 8:31PM #3
REteach
Posts: 14,993

I suspect your mom and his family saw something you didn't see and were trying gently to let you know.  


If you enjoyed the last 7 years, it wasn't a waste.  Just go on from now without him.  He is already gone.  Sorry!!!

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
Quick Reply
Cancel
3 years ago  ::  Aug 09, 2011 - 11:49AM #4
code
Posts: 7

Thank you both for taking the time to post a reply.


I am begining to realise what everyone is saying is true,


Actions speak louder than words, and here i am waiting for someone to even acknowledge i mean anything to him, lets not even talk about him doing anything to keep a relationship going. :( 


I guess there is no use to humiliate myself by travelling across the world for someone who does not even ask me to come.


They say time heals all. well i hope its true............. 


Im just praying for strength and patience to get thru this time.Ameen.

Quick Reply
Cancel
3 years ago  ::  Aug 11, 2011 - 5:07PM #5
Bob_the_Lunatic
Posts: 3,458

I always like to mention the economic theory of "sunk costs" in deals like this.  In business, you make decisions based on a "cost benefit analysis".  However, you do NOT include sunk costs.  These are costs that have already happened-they are irrelevant.


In other words, the 7 years is a sunk cost-it should be irrelevant to your decision.


Sounds like he doesn't even respect you, much less love you.  Don't accept this behavior as "okay".  He's being dishonest or he'd miss you as you miss him and CALL YOU.


He hasn't-he's not got the backbone to be honest, so accept the signals and take it as a 7 year learning lesson.  I was with a girl for 6 years.  Wanted to hold on, even though all the signs, including cheating were there (you can convince yourself anything is okay or normal if you try).... it felt apart anyway as there was no glue on it.  Ultimately-I realized my priorities were all messed up -as far as what I looked for in a mate.  I figured out what I really wanted (loyalty, honesty) and focused on that.  Met my wife about 7 months later and instantly fell in love. 


That was about 8 years ago and my love for her is still fresh.  Also-without the other girl (the one who cheated, etc) I'd have never met my wife-so I see that other girl as a great friend-she is the reason I met my best friend.

Quick Reply
Cancel
3 years ago  ::  Aug 12, 2011 - 10:38PM #6
Al41
Posts: 30

I know this is hard for you.  I ended a 15 year relationship where I kept waiting for marriage that never came.  You deserve better.

Quick Reply
Cancel
3 years ago  ::  Aug 16, 2011 - 11:10PM #7
code
Posts: 7

Aug 12, 2011 -- 10:38PM, Al41 wrote:


I know this is hard for you.  I ended a 15 year relationship where I kept waiting for marriage that never came.  You deserve better.





 


A hug for you, and I thought 7 years was a long time to keep waiting !


Thank you , everyone for your messages, you all dont know how much they mean to me, I have started thinking more and more that he does not care anymore.............. if he did earlier , just now he doesnt .:(  I am trying to move on with my life, try to do what I need to as far as my studies and career is concerned, I put everything on hold for him, all I have to show for it is time wasted and yeah, an expired marriage license. 


I just keep praying for strenght and patience to go on and be a usefull member in the community. Sometimes it works , sometimes it doesnt :) . A few tears never hurt anyone right? 


Just wanted to say thank you, everyones support means more than you can ever know.


God bless you all.

Quick Reply
Cancel
3 years ago  ::  Aug 16, 2011 - 11:38PM #8
Hatman
Posts: 9,634
Code-
A passage of scripture reads "Love God with all your heart, mind, soul and strength...and love your neighbor as yourself."

i think you would do well to investigate just what "loving yourself" means, and explore that.  Or to cite a more recent figurehead, "There is no try; do---or do not---that is all."(Yoda)

Love yourself, love what you do.  If you can do neither, you are better-off sitting by the side of the road and begging bread from those who DO love what they do and who they are.

If this passage and insight sparks something in you, here are a couple of places you might try reading first, to get you started and give you hints:

www.beliefnet.com/Inspiration/Interviews...
blog.beliefnet.com/inspirationreport/201...

Warmest regards-

Hatman
"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
Quick Reply
Cancel
3 years ago  ::  Aug 19, 2011 - 8:17PM #9
REteach
Posts: 14,993

If you had fun, it was not time wasted.  If you learned and grew, someday you will realize the pain was worth the knowledge.  It doesn't feel like it now, but give it time.  Be wise.  You will be happy again. 

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
Quick Reply
Cancel
3 years ago  ::  Oct 02, 2011 - 10:49PM #10
code
Posts: 7

I have been praying for strength and things to get better, but they havent. 


Become worse if nothing else.


 


I found out last week he had gotten married, apprently it was all arranged by his folks. 


They had been still talking to me all that while and did not tell me anything about it. :(


 


I was really devastated. so much so i tried to commit sucide. I dont know why im still alive. Medically speaking i should have been in a coma atleast. Im so upset now i dont want to talk to anyone in my family , sometimes i feel i hate them all for putting me in this position. And my mom has the audacity to say if you really wanted to do it why didnt you just go ahead and do it?I had kept asking her . to call his folks , she didnt do it. 


How could he have made me wait for 7 years and not get married. How can someone just get married to a complete stranger you meet a month ago!!!???? Was everything he said just BS?  Im so upset im crying even now as i type.

Quick Reply
Cancel
Page 1 of 2  •  1 2 Next
 
    Viewing this thread :: 0 registered and 1 guest
    No registered users viewing
    Advertisement

    Beliefnet On Facebook