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Switch to Forum Live View So called "Christian" brother and sister in law's judgement over my divorce
7 years ago  ::  Jul 19, 2011 - 1:41PM #1
Posts: 19
I never thought in my life I would be starting a thread in regards to my brother and sister in law overtly interfering in my divorce.

Let me see if I can give you the Cliff notes version of my situation: My stbe and me grew apart because he wanted a career. I found myself virtually ignored until I got gastric bypass two years ago in which I dropped over 200 lbs. He became insecure and emotionally hurt me as he did not know how to deal with my severe weight loss. In the end, we both decided we both changed and, after some emotionally charged issues and mistakes we both made, we decided on a divorce. I wanted to work things out-he didn't and I moved out as I'm not going to force the issue with him. He wants his career and for me to get out of his life in which I did.

Fast forward to this week. I did not expect to find or date this soon after my separation but with my stbe's blessing I asked if I could start seeing someone else and going on with my life. This person knows I'm separated/in the midst of a divorce and he's fine with that. We are NOT intimate as I have personal issues with that at the moment; too much too soon and not emotionally ready to handle that so soon. To make a long story short, my stbe and I are better friends than we were married-which is good for the both of us; making our divorce amicable and friendly. Good correct? Indeed!

This week I get a disturbing call from my 42 year old brother who was hysterically crying and wailing to my stbe about how horrible of a person I was. Now, mental illness runs in my family and what my brother exhibited scared the crap out of my ex. Lies, jealousy he's been harboring coming to the surface as he screams vulgarities in regards to me-something I wasn't even prepared for. When I tried to reason with my brother, he started accusing me of horrible things like stealing and identity theft-serious accusations that were not even true (I told him to prove these allegations which he has NOT)-even embarrassing me on Facebook out of all places in front of my friends and family. My sister in law who is studying to be a Christian psychologist wrote me some kind of idiotic psycho babble stating plainly that by me seeing someone I'm "going to Hell" and in a condescending tone that I was the cause of everything going wrong in my marriage (uh-she and my brother have MAYBE talked 20 times in our twelve year marriage). She and my brother have now decided that it is in their best interest to have my stbe's back, sending him information of my new beau and, as my SIL stated, "I have your back..."

The nonsense my brother and sister in law have put me through with lies, horrible accusations could've damaged my fragile divorce. I have since disowned them both for what they've said and done and told them that they're both idiots and don't deserve a good sister like me nor a great brother in law like my ex. They were never there when we needed them the most and have pretty much left us alone all of those years and we really never got to know them. Why they internalized this divorce is beyond me and my ex-who is glad he's not going to be a part of this dysfunctional family ever again (heck, I don't want to be a part of it either).

So what should I do? It is my right to disown them for their actions although forgiving them at this time is not an option, I'm sorry. They've made a fragile situation strained.


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7 years ago  ::  Jul 19, 2011 - 8:12PM #2
Posts: 9,954
Wow, H...just wow!

FWIW, i think you've done the right thing by distancing yourself from them, but "disowning"?  Is that a legal thing, or just putting them on notice that they're idiots meddling in things that are none of their business?

And i don't see any reason why dating someone while you're still married is problematic, especially with the "no sex" prohibition in place.

But i wish you well in finalizing your divorce.

i have read somewhere that a good "rule of thumb" is to refrain from any other intimate relationship until 1 month for every year of the marriage has passed...but obviously, this "rule" is one someone made up after seeing quite a few jump-in-to-a-new-relationship people fail miserably by not dealing with/processing all the hurt from their previous relationship, FIRST.

You've perhaps heard of the sorry fate of "rebound guy"?  You know, the one who gets to hear all the crap and bear the brunt of the emotional discharge of feelings, then gets dumped after he's served his purpose?

Just saying "beware" of this tendency, ok?  No accusation meant or implied.

Warmest regards-

"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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7 years ago  ::  Jul 20, 2011 - 11:47PM #3
Posts: 2

Hi H,

I'm so sorry that you're going through so much unnecessary and hurtful drama.  Divorce is painful enough!  I've been through two and neither came about with any friendship able to survive between my exes and myself.  

Divorce is a devastating experience, spiritually as well as emotionally.  You need all the support you can get!  I have been blessed to have family that has provided that for me, but I'm even afraid now to have a relationship because if I ever get serious again, to the point of considering marriage, I don't want to become a cliche...three sounds like an awful lot of husbands, especially considering that I was raised and still believe that marriage is sacred and divorce is a serious decision.  But then, I wouldn't change anything that has happened in my life.  

And maybe that is something that could help you through this time.  You certainly sound like this came totally out of left field and shocked your already strained balance.  Focus on the *now* and remember that you can forgive your brother and sister-in-law without needing to incorporate them into your life.  Maybe pray that they find their own happiness, because this could very much be an unconscious extension of their own relationship and personal issues.  In the meantime, tune into the things around you that bring you joy, and tune the toxic static out!  

I just had the official divorce hearing yesterday morning and I'm still feeling odd, even though (or maybe because) I hadn't seen or spoken to my husband for a year.  He was dangerously in denial of a situation that was affecting my health, so I cut off communication when he stopped making any sense when we would attempt to make the split smooth.  



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7 years ago  ::  Aug 28, 2011 - 11:11AM #4
Posts: 331

Jul 19, 2011 -- 1:41PM, Ladyghosthunter wrote:

So what should I do? It is my  right to disown them for their actions although forgiving them at this  time is not an option, I'm sorry. They've made a fragile situation  strained.

Forgiving someone is something you do for  yourself.  You can forgive someone who has done you wrong, but that is  not the same as forgetting and allowing their behavior to continue.   Forgiving is letting go of the hurt and anger and what it can do in your  life.

As far as Facebook, block their comments.  They are not  trying to help you or lift you up in your time of need, but to  deliberately hurt you.  Make sure your stbe knows that and move on.

Sometimes you need to weed out those in your life that don't contribute to it in a positive way.  That's doesn't mean never give your brother a chance later to come back into your life, but while you are going through this you need to have those around you that support you.

Hang in there.  I went through a very bad divorce so long ago I can hardly remember his name ;-) but I do remember it was awful.  I am married to a wonderful man for almost 28 years and we love each other very much.  My point is while you can't see the future it doesn't mean a really good one isn't ahead of you.

This is only a moment of your life, not your entire life.

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