Hatman,

Thanks so much, I appreciate it and has been contemplating the last two days whether I should go away for awhile and see what happens, so glad you recommend it.  He's leaving on his trip next week and I wanted to leave before he comes back, the problemn is I have an obligation on the 16 and won't be able to leave before he comes back, I may have to rethink and find someone to help me with that obligation.   I keep banging my head on the wall wondering why would someone refuse to make it right if you love and care for the other person.  If I try to talk to him, he tells me it only makes things worse for me, meaning I should shut up and don't say anything.  It's funny how he gives his friends (male) advice on their relationship but he doesn't use it on himself.  He even paint a pretty picture of us to them but yet its not true.  I tell him this is not a good thing for our kids, because when he was growing up his father behave badly with his mother, (he was controlling jerk), and siblings and one of his siblings told me it has rub off on him.   Too many times I have asked him to fix things and he has not tried or make an effort, I feel I've been on a rollercoaster and need to get off before it crashes!  Thanks I'll let you know. 

Welcome to Beliefnet, ICarly and to this little corner! You have already met Hatman, one of our fine members here with much wisdom.

I am sorry for the pain in your marriage you are experiencing. At this point, you are very clear about the things your husband needs to change in order to improve the marriage, and are confused as to why they are not happening.

In my opinion, Communication is the most important element in a relationship, and it was listed as the #1 issue. I believe that most of the other problems could be addressed with improved communication. But right now, you find it impossible to have any meaningful dialogue together, and you feel there is nothing that can be done about that.

I would add my recommendation to Hatman’s to check into Retoruvaille. One of the things that they teach is a tool for improved communication.

Blessings,
Arnie

Jul 1, 2011 -- 9:36AM, Hatman wrote:

karly- i have often observed that when one partner in any relationship begins to feel as if the other is not sharing their portion of the load, resentments naturally build. But do not simply decide on the spur of the moment to leave; carefully plan your departure. Perhaps arrange to stay with a relative he doesn't know about, or get some monthly rate from a motel like Motel Six or Super 8, someplace with internet access, at least, in a town he is unfamiliar with. If you have school-age children, you'd need to make arrangements for their care while you're away, lest he charge you with abandonment. IOW, this is not a step to be taken lightly, or jumped into with both feet before testing the depth of the water(and your commitment to this course). Have you had a chance to check out Retrouvaille? What do you think? Warmest regards- Hatman

Hatman,

Thanks yes, I have checked out the site and will explore it further I did find a location on the West Coast.  It's true that the resentment is building up, and I feel that because of the fact that he refuse to talk out the problems and what is bothering him it's getting worse each day.  I do hope that with being away will help.

IK, if you do leave, be sure to close any joint bank accounts and credit cards.

A perhaps different slant--in your original post, you are mostly complaining about him.  What would he honestly say about you?  It is easy for all of us to feel that the other person is being unfair or unreasonable and we are doing more than our share--in fact, what you are describing is that you both feel that way about the other.  Is the real question, maybe, what could you do differently? You can't change him, all you can reasonably change is you.