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Switch to Forum Live View How can I get through to him?
3 years ago  ::  Jun 30, 2011 - 1:09PM #1
Ikarly
Posts: 11
My husband and I will be married for 20 yrs this coming September, over the years we've had issues (his family, my family) that affected our relationship.  We moved to another State and all was going well but he has reverted to his old ways and things are not the way they should once again.  Since I got laid off it has gotten worse and he refuse to (like has always does) to talk about the issues and we keep coming back to the same thing over and over.  In my search for answers and help I have found articles that truly spells it out for what I have always known our problems are:

1. Finances - although I have a monthly income (which helps with the bills big time) coming in because of my disability, and I am striving to help him with his own online business, he seems to be jealous of the fact that he's out there working and I am home, he keeps throwing in my face that I need to go get a job or find ways to bring funds in.  

2.  Compassion and Understanding - He lacks that very much and does not wants to meet me half way.

3. Efforts - He has lost all effort in pleasing me, yet I go above and beyond to please him.

4. Intimacy between us:  Only when he wants to (once or twice a month), and its a 1-2-3 and no effort in exploring what we use to have.  He have not even try to find ways to improve.

5. Resentment - He feels he has to have his own way, our lates argument is based on the fact that he feels because he works a 9-5 he must take a vacation by himself and the kids and I can stay home and stare at the walls and not enjoy a nice summer vacation as a family.

6. Communication (my #1 issue) - He lacks this big time and no matter how many times I tell him we need to talk, he refuse to, he spends more time talking to friends and co-workers, yet the one person who needs his attention does not get it.


I am at the end of my rope and don't know what else to do as I truly love him and hate what is going on with us, but my problem is, he will never seek counseling.  Need anyone input on this.
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3 years ago  ::  Jun 30, 2011 - 9:00PM #2
Hatman
Posts: 9,634
lcarly-
IME and from my observation, the only way to get through to him will be to shock him.

i think that the best way to do this is to carefully plan, then leave him for a MINIMUM of 6 weeks to 2 months.

During that time, he will have the opportunity to reflect and decide whether or not he wishes to continue the relationship...and you'll hear from him, one way or another.

Don't call him.
Don't text him.
Don't email him.
Don't write to him.
Leave him to stew in his own juices, to reap the results of ONLY his own efforts.

Before you go, take photographs/video of all your stuff, including bank books, titles, deeds, insurance policies, stocks, bonds, etc., as some men(more women, fmo) will steal, dispose of, hide, or destroy stuff that is left behind.

If so, you'll need evidence of what was there before you left.

In the meantime, if you do wish to salvage the relationship and he's unwilling to go to any kind of counseling, research www.retrouvaille.org, and if you like what you read, convince him that your relationship is worth at least one weekend's worth of work.

Of course, if he does NOT contact you, you'll have your answer, sad as that will be to contemplate, but you'll know then---definitively---that he does not value you or consider you worthwhile.  If that happens to be the case, buck up, get your stuff, and move on.  You ARE loved, and you ARE valued, and if he refuses to see that, too bad for him.

ETA:
Oh, and when/if he DOES call, do NOT speak more than 30seconds with him; tell him you're "busy," "have an appointment," "about to go meet someone," "having company over" or whatever---suggest that he email you---then HANG UP and TURN YOUR PHONE OFF!  Then, don't reply to that email for at LEAST 3 days, while he frets(and probably blows your phone up).

Yes, i know it will be hard; do you WANT him back?  Hard steps will have to be taken.  Most people never appreciate what they can have too easily.  Make him WORK, and he'll have more incentive to appreciate.

Warmest regards-

Hatman
"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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3 years ago  ::  Jun 30, 2011 - 9:56PM #3
Ikarly
Posts: 11

Hatman,


Thanks so much, I appreciate it and has been contemplating the last two days whether I should go away for awhile and see what happens, so glad you recommend it.  He's leaving on his trip next week and I wanted to leave before he comes back, the problemn is I have an obligation on the 16 and won't be able to leave before he comes back, I may have to rethink and find someone to help me with that obligation.   I keep banging my head on the wall wondering why would someone refuse to make it right if you love and care for the other person.  If I try to talk to him, he tells me it only makes things worse for me, meaning I should shut up and don't say anything.  It's funny how he gives his friends (male) advice on their relationship but he doesn't use it on himself.  He even paint a pretty picture of us to them but yet its not true.  I tell him this is not a good thing for our kids, because when he was growing up his father behave badly with his mother, (he was controlling jerk), and siblings and one of his siblings told me it has rub off on him.   Too many times I have asked him to fix things and he has not tried or make an effort, I feel I've been on a rollercoaster and need to get off before it crashes!  Thanks I'll let you know. 

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3 years ago  ::  Jul 01, 2011 - 9:36AM #4
Hatman
Posts: 9,634
karly-
i have often observed that when one partner in any relationship begins to feel as if the other is not sharing their portion of the load, resentments naturally build.

But do not simply decide on the spur of the moment to leave; carefully plan your departure.

Perhaps arrange to stay with a relative he doesn't know about, or get some monthly rate from a motel like Motel Six or Super 8, someplace with internet access, at least, in a town he is unfamiliar with.  If you have school-age children, you'd need to make arrangements for their care while you're away, lest he charge you with abandonment.

IOW, this is not a step to be taken lightly, or jumped into with both feet before testing the depth of the water(and your commitment to this course).

Have you had a chance to check out Retrouvaille?  What do you think?

Warmest regards-

Hatman
"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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3 years ago  ::  Jul 01, 2011 - 11:33AM #5
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407

Welcome to Beliefnet, ICarly and to this little corner! You have already met Hatman, one of our fine members here with much wisdom.

I am sorry for the pain in your marriage you are experiencing. At this point, you are very clear about the things your husband needs to change in order to improve the marriage, and are confused as to why they are not happening.

In my opinion, Communication is the most important element in a relationship, and it was listed as the #1 issue. I believe that most of the other problems could be addressed with improved communication. But right now, you find it impossible to have any meaningful dialogue together, and you feel there is nothing that can be done about that.

I would add my recommendation to Hatman’s to check into Retoruvaille. One of the things that they teach is a tool for improved communication.

Blessings,
Arnie

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3 years ago  ::  Jul 01, 2011 - 12:09PM #6
Ikarly
Posts: 11

Jul 1, 2011 -- 11:33AM, ArnieBeeGut wrote:

Welcome to Beliefnet, ICarly and to this little corner! You have already met Hatman, one of our fine members here with much wisdom.

I am sorry for the pain in your marriage you are experiencing. At this point, you are very clear about the things your husband needs to change in order to improve the marriage, and are confused as to why they are not happening.

In my opinion, Communication is the most important element in a relationship, and it was listed as the #1 issue. I believe that most of the other problems could be addressed with improved communication. But right now, you find it impossible to have any meaningful dialogue together, and you feel there is nothing that can be done about that.

I would add my recommendation to Hatman’s to check into Retoruvaille. One of the things that they teach is a tool for improved communication.

Blessings,
Arnie


Thanks Arnie,


I did look at the Retrouvaille.org site and found one that is on the West coast of Florida, I definitely will be exploring that which I know will be just me because he refuse to or just think he doesn't need the help.  I am dealing with so many emotions right now that every day I wake up I feel a little drain, lost and alone.  I keep my spirit cheery because of the kids.  I feel like i have to be asking for his attention, his love but I can't do it anymore if he can't meet me halfway.  I keep praying that he will wise up and realize, but not sure if I'm getting my hopes up too much.

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3 years ago  ::  Jul 01, 2011 - 12:15PM #7
Ikarly
Posts: 11

Jul 1, 2011 -- 9:36AM, Hatman wrote:

karly- i have often observed that when one partner in any relationship begins to feel as if the other is not sharing their portion of the load, resentments naturally build. But do not simply decide on the spur of the moment to leave; carefully plan your departure. Perhaps arrange to stay with a relative he doesn't know about, or get some monthly rate from a motel like Motel Six or Super 8, someplace with internet access, at least, in a town he is unfamiliar with. If you have school-age children, you'd need to make arrangements for their care while you're away, lest he charge you with abandonment. IOW, this is not a step to be taken lightly, or jumped into with both feet before testing the depth of the water(and your commitment to this course). Have you had a chance to check out Retrouvaille? What do you think? Warmest regards- Hatman




 


Hatman,


Thanks yes, I have checked out the site and will explore it further I did find a location on the West Coast.  It's true that the resentment is building up, and I feel that because of the fact that he refuse to talk out the problems and what is bothering him it's getting worse each day.  I do hope that with being away will help.

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3 years ago  ::  Jul 02, 2011 - 12:34AM #8
Hatman
Posts: 9,634
karly-
"Don't it always seem to go, you don't know what you got 'til it's gone."

'T was ever thus, i'm sorry to say.

Warmest regards-

Hatman
"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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3 years ago  ::  Jul 02, 2011 - 11:25AM #9
REteach
Posts: 14,212

IK, if you do leave, be sure to close any joint bank accounts and credit cards.


A perhaps different slant--in your original post, you are mostly complaining about him.  What would he honestly say about you?  It is easy for all of us to feel that the other person is being unfair or unreasonable and we are doing more than our share--in fact, what you are describing is that you both feel that way about the other.  Is the real question, maybe, what could you do differently? You can't change him, all you can reasonably change is you.  

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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3 years ago  ::  Jul 02, 2011 - 11:40AM #10
Ikarly
Posts: 11

Jul 2, 2011 -- 12:34AM, Hatman wrote:

karly- "Don't it always seem to go, you don't know what you got 'til it's gone." 'T was ever thus, i'm sorry to say. Warmest regards- Hatman




Very true, and he knows that, he has always spoken to his friends or relatives that he doesn't know what he would do without me. 

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