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Switch to Forum Live View he's giving/given up, help
6 years ago  ::  Jun 23, 2011 - 8:18AM #1
stillbelieve1569
Posts: 4
I am not so new here.  I was here like 7-8yrs ago and this is the only place i could find real help.   to make along story a bit short.  My husband left me for another woman (his friends wife) and him and i finally divorced after many years of hurt and then while we were away from eachother he was in lots of trouble and i found another man, he was in many relations and we became to fall on eachother when things weren't going so well with our other relations.  thru the years my gram and father passed and we found ourselves talking again.  then his brother passed and in finding his brother dead i told his brother and myself i'd take care of my xhusband..... soooooooooo in the end him and i decided to try again.  well things weren't in the best situation cuz we were still living our lives around the friends that were there thru our divorce.... lets put it this way toooo many memories of the hurt were on me, so i was going to move out of state, when one day we (my x and i) got a call to move out of town.... it pondered and pondered and said if i don't give him and i a real chance ill regret it...... so i decided to take the move with him. Oh ya i forgot in 2009 i got laid off from my job that is where is decided i wanted to move out of state, till the offer to move out of town was there..... anyways we moved in 2009 on a note that i had not really been all into our relationship.... i still needed to heal and he knew that......... ok so now we are here in our new town, but i was unemployed for 2yrs just got a job.....in that 2yrs i was depressed things werent healing and i just didn't know where to turn, (shuld of turned here) and things got bad again, we drifted i think.  I wasn't able to bring myself to have sex with him or get too close most of that was because i felt like a loser.. a nobody worht nothing... NOW IT HAS GOT SO BAD FROM HIM THAT ON MY BDAY LAST WEEK HE TOLD ME HE DON'T LOVE ME ANYMORE AND IT IS OVER........ now i said??? now that i feel like a person, can contribute to this relationship, love him more than anything and love our new life where we live??? today i cant even go to work cuz im a mess.... how do i make this better how can i get him to understand, he said we have been unhappy for years and he can't do it anymore.  HE SAYS HTERE IS NO ONE ELSE??? I AM DIEING AGAIN AND LOSING CONTROL OF MY EMOTIONS... I NEED SOME ADVICE.  how can i try to help him see that i was depressed and wasn't into myself let alone us???  i don't want to end this and i just started my job and i am already home a day cuz all iam doing it crying...???  please anyone got advice words or ideas?? thanks again i hope we can be saved???
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6 years ago  ::  Jun 24, 2011 - 11:24AM #2
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407

Welcome back stillbelieve - and I’m so sorry for all the pain you have been experiencing in your relationship. If I understand what has been happening, you are back with your ex-husband. The relationship was better for awhile, and despite many difficulties in your life you worked on yourself and have been making great strides there. Now it catches you by surprise that he has now lost his feelings for you and you are afraid of losing him again. Thinking about that possibility has caused such strong upset and feelings that you are unable to even function.

I wish it were possible to give some kind of formula to change him or his feelings. Unfortunately I don’t know any (if you do, please let me know!). You can only change yourself - and you have demonstrated great capacity for that by what you have already done in your own work on yourself.

Perhaps there is a big part of him that felt safer when you were depressed and not functioning so well in your life. If so, then maybe that part feels threatened when you are now a strong capable woman.

I hope you are feeling better today. Sometimes the only choice is to just ride out the emotions.

Blessings,
Arnie

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6 years ago  ::  Jun 29, 2011 - 6:55PM #3
stillbelieve1569
Posts: 4

Hi arnie you were always there for me to talk to b4 and i thank you for that.  I am scared and today was an awful day.  i tried being quiet and just letting it go, but no matter what i say or how i say it he don't care.  so i asked today waht are we doing and bam........its over.  he dont' love me, he don't want to hurt me and i don't have to leave but it is over.  there are things we purchased together as if we were married and things we have together and thigns that have to be taken care of.  i just don't have it in me to do all of that and i know for sure he won't do it.  he thinks we should just live here and it will all take care of itself like it always did. 


b4 i did all the work and when we moved here i did all the work to get us here. now it is time again that he isn't happy and he just is going to make me miserable and take from me all he can til i snap.  I want to do what i can to try and make it work for us but am not sure he will do that too?   i feel so lost alone and don't know how i can make things right? 


i stillbelieve and that is sad isn't it?  i still pray for God to heal our hurts and bring our love back together i just don't know waht to ask for anymore? has God just given up on me and us?  i am soooo lost and hurt at a point he loved me so much when we first moved and i just was still in a shell and so unhappy with me that i was closed up. not that i didn't lov ehim but the sex thing i just didn't bring myself around cuz of all the pain.  but now im here and was since may and he just gaveup??  oh my im babbling on here both sites sorry. thanks and i look forward to hear from you....

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6 years ago  ::  Jul 01, 2011 - 11:25AM #4
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407

(((stillbelieve)))

It hurts to know that all you have been through has come to this. It happened so suddenly that it caught you by surprise that there was a willingness to just walk away after so much. I wish there were something that could be done that could change the way he feels - and a person’s feelings are their own. We can’t “make” anybody love us. I believe it takes two to be at least willing to work on it, and it sounds like there’s only you at this point.

It is completely natural to want to try to keep the relationship together at any cost. After you had experienced great love together, it is hard to accept that it isn’t there now. It is also understandable to question whether God is truly there for you when you are in such deep pain.

Although there may not be much that can be done to make the relationship “right,” there is much that be done to move forward. One thing is to allow yourself to grieve the loss of something that was dear and precious. Another is to work on being the very best stillbelieve you can possibly be. Maybe you could take a few minutes and imagine what that might look like.

Blessings,
Arnie

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