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Switch to Forum Live View Going through some tough times - need some input/support.
3 years ago  ::  May 12, 2011 - 11:59PM #1
Angelus
Posts: 1
Hello all.

My name is Georgia. I'm not actually entirely new to this forum - I used to have an account here on Beliefnet several years ago. (But I guess that must've been deleted when they changed the format/layout of Beliefnet a while ago.)

Anyways, I'm currently separated from my husband right now - and have been for the past year. (I want a divorce. In our 3 1/2 years together - I endured a lot of [emotional] pain as a result of my husband's lies and decietful ways. I went through Hell for most of those 3 1/2 years, and deserved none of the stuff I was dragged through!)

The sad thing is/was - I was *always* there for my husband, and supported him through whatever trials and tribulations he faced (Sadly, he could not give me that same kind of support, love, and dedication - but instead, chose to be decietful, selfish, and self-serving in the end.)

We are living in different states right now - and hopefully, I will be going back to the state in which he lives, to get the rest of my stuff. (My trip out to this state was originally meant to come to see my family and visit for a while - but then when I found out that my husband was continuing his deceitful ways, even while I was gone/out of state, I decided that was the last straw that I was going to ever take from him again! So I stayed here with my family - even though, all of my stuff was over there, where he lived.) 

As you can probably imagine, I've been through a lot within the last 4 years now - the first 3 1/2 with his behavoir and the last year with the sadness, guilt, and anger that I ever married the guy.

I just need someone to talk to - I feel so alone right now, so angry, so hurt. (I'm 32-years-old, and this was my first marriage.) 

He tried to call me the other day, but I always get so angry with him - because there's a lot of unresolved issues and things that he won't admit to. (Even though I have proof of them.) If he just took the time to apologize - truly apologize for the hurt, pain, and suffering he caused me, then perhaps I wouldn't be so angry with him right now. 

Has anyone else gone through this before? If so, how did you deal with it?
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3 years ago  ::  May 13, 2011 - 5:41PM #2
Hatman
Posts: 9,634
Georgia-
Sorry you've been put through the wringer like that.

i have not been through a situation like yours, but it sounds to me as though there's a problem with boundaries and respect.  Ever hear of a book entitled "Boundaries," by Cloud and Townsend?  Might be a Godsend for you.

At any rate, it sounds to me as though you've tried just about everything, only to get more of what you don't want, and are ready to divorce him.

If that's the case, you may wish to visit www.divorcecare.com, find out if there's a meeting near you, and go.
In the meantime, you should do whatever it takes to protect your assets---like if you have any joint accounts or credit cards, cancel them immediately and open new ones up in your name only, if this is possible; iirc, some states require the permission of the other party to cancel/void these things.
Get a camera/video, and record everything of consequence inside and around the marital home asap; portraits, stuff(especially stuff you owned before the marriage), bank books, insurance papers, deeds, titles, cars, boats, motorcycles---everything.  Keep these recordings somewhere out of his reach/access.
In some states, you can stop the financial bleeding by running an ad in the "notices" section of a "local paper of general circulation" that basically says, "After May 13th, 2011, I will no longer accept any responsibility toward the debts of (stbx spouse)", but that may not be the proper legal wording; check out your local paper in that section for examples(usually found in the "classified" section under "Legal notices").

Can i assume that you have both been to marital counseling? 
If you still think that there may be a chance to rescue this marriage, you may wish to visit www.retrouvaille.org, read up, and convince your husband that a weekend's work is not too much a sacrifice to make for your marriage.

Of course, if he's unwilling and stubborn, you'll have your answer, sad as it will be---but then, as you leave, you can say something like, "The next voice you hear about this marriage will be from my divorce attorney."
(but if the divorce is not likely to be bitter or acrimonious, you may wish to enlist the aid of an Arbitrator to divide marital assets and debts; much less expensive than attorneys.)

Warmest regards-

Hatman
"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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