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4 years ago  ::  Jun 01, 2011 - 10:59AM #11
Ladyghosthunter
Posts: 19

Apr 12, 2011 -- 9:27AM, Bodhi_piper wrote:


3 weeks ago my wife suddenly and with virtually no discussion or explanation announced that she was leaving and moving in with her boss (well, there is the obvious. I'm not a dolt). I’m trying to do all the “right” things, but this is just really hard. I can’t sleep, I can’t concentrate, I can’t seem to get anything accomplished; it’s like I’m not firing on all cylinders. I really don’t want to leave the house, or to have to see or speak to anyone; just the grocers or pharmacy is a challenge. I’ve got so very much to do, but I just can’t seem to get organized; I really need to get some traction and get moving. Things are just really hard right now.


Namaste




You sound like me emotionally right now. Even though I need to leave, I just can't get things together nor move into the direction I need to. The best thing I did was talk to my best friend about what she did when she moved out on her own when she was divorcing her abusive ex husband. What I would suggest is to write everything down you need to do-prioritize your life. For me, I had to find a place to live and then buy my car. Once I buy my car and get that going, I'll be okay and getting my things out within the month. It's a hard blow when you find out that your life is being suddenly uprooted and everything you believed in was going to heck so fast. Pray and believe and talk to us...we're here for you!


 


Heather

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4 years ago  ::  Jun 07, 2011 - 1:51AM #12
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407

Heather,


A belated welcome to Beliefnet. I am sorry for the pain in your marriage that has brought you to this point. Although you once thought you would be with your husband for life, it has gottent to where there is no hope whatsoever that the marriage can be saved. Maybe you could share a bit what happened that it got so bad.


The board has been slow lately; still, there are many caring members here who are happy to share their feedback and listen to what you are going through.


Blessings,
Arnie

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4 years ago  ::  Jun 08, 2011 - 5:27PM #13
Ladyghosthunter
Posts: 19

Thank you Arnie!!


I was married for 12 years (this is my second and probably last marriage) to a guy who I had to care for. As I cared for him, being overweight and fat and unloveable, I had no self esteem. While he rose up in his career, I was still overweight and felt unappreciated in many ways although he loved me the best way he knew how. My ex had no job, left his ex girlfriend and son behind in Canada as his life was a pile of dung when I met him.


My ex and I have been through tragedies-our friends being shot and killed by a coworker and then 9/11. In the midst of it all, I was trying to find out what I was all about too as I felt so trapped and confined in the closet of my fat suit that I held onto for so long. Suddenly I ballooned to over 387 lbs and decided two years ago to have gastric bypass. I wasn't fat from over eating or non exercise..mine was purely hereditary.


Now that I've lost over 200 lbs and now am a new person, it wasn't all about my ex any longer as his controlling ways became almost overbearing. He saw the catepillar turn into a butterfly and he then felt he had quite the trophy wife as I started to work out and become healthy. That wasn't good enough as he blamed me for attracting men..and calling me all kind of horrible names that I dare not repeat. He never supported any of my true calling endeavors and to this day, he still thinks I'm too thin and skinny and unhealthy.


I'm no saint in this either as I found the restraints of my marriage to be too confining as a person as he held a choke hold upon my life and I never had any friends to talk to and if I did talk to them, he became overly suspicious and picking on them as if they were all flawed. I found the freedom of my fat suit lifted and the looks from men to be almost a high to the point I was becoming self absorbed. It was then that I found out that I was flirting with men and loving the attention too much..and my life went down hill with bad decisions and realizing that men were fickle users of people like me.


It destroyed my marriage although I never had physical affairs with anyone. The damage was done and I knew that I no longer loved my husband and needed to be on my own. A month ago, my ex and I decided to part ways and now I have a focus on getting myself straightened out with Jesus and to find a church. In the meantime, I am NOT focusing upon anything but my own well being and my own walk with God for the while..which is awesome.


I have forgiven myself for my sins and my transgressions along with my ex who I felt held me down and had an "affair" with his job/success. No more do I wish to be taking care of someone as God/Jesus will take care of me in the end.


 

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4 years ago  ::  Jun 14, 2011 - 11:38AM #14
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407

Heather,

After a long path of being focused on helping/rescuing others and feeling you were not worthy or attractive, you finally are coming to accept your inherent value and beauty. As painful as it has been, it is also joyful and freeing to find that you can start to live life in a way that brings peace and contentment.

Perhaps your ex felt “safe” as long as you were kept spiritually “small” (and physically “big”) and began to feel threatened by his own low self-esteem when you grew into your own self more.


I'm wondering what your attraction might have been to your ex in the beginning when his life was such a mess.


I am so sorry for the terrible things that have happened in your life - being personally affected by 9/11, the shooting.

Have you found a church yet that you feel is “home”?

Blessings,
Arnie

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