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Switch to Forum Live View To Be or Not to Be With???
3 years ago  ::  Feb 23, 2011 - 4:36AM #1
Ethelq5
Posts: 56
My husband and I got separated 3 yrs back. Our marriage was put into crucial test when I left our country to work abroad. He had a relationship and got her pregnant on my 2nd year. Honestly, as a wife I felt partially responsible for our failed marriage. I learned to forgive and let go. We remained friends for the sake of our son. Even after what happened, he never stopped communicating and apologizing. He wants "US" back. But, i dont have feelings for him anymore. My son's already asking a lot of things lately which concerns about me having another relationship in the future. Though he's claiming it's okay, still I can see and feel his desire to bring back the family. I want to make him happy but how?

Should I take HIM back???
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3 years ago  ::  Feb 23, 2011 - 5:08PM #2
Hatman
Posts: 9,634

Feb 23, 2011 -- 4:36AM, Ethelq5 wrote:

My husband and I got separated 3 yrs back. Our marriage was put into crucial test when I left our country to work abroad. He had a relationship and got her pregnant on my 2nd year. Honestly, as a wife I felt partially responsible for our failed marriage. I learned to forgive and let go. We remained friends for the sake of our son. Even after what happened, he never stopped communicating and apologizing. He wants "US" back. But, i dont have feelings for him anymore. My son's already asking a lot of things lately which concerns about me having another relationship in the future. Though he's claiming it's okay, still I can see and feel his desire to bring back the family. I want to make him happy but how?


Is it that you want to make your son happy, or your husband? 

Should I take HIM back???


If you take your husband back, will YOU be happy?  If you're unhappy, will this bring happiness to your son?

Personally, infidelity is a deal-breaker for me; some couples can get past it, but they are rare.  i've seen that even when the one betrayed DOES take back the adulterer, the first (and every subsequent) time there's an argument, the one betrayed brings out the "but you cheated on me" card to try to "win" the argument.  For me, trust is crucial in a relationship.  When the trust ends, so does the relationship.

However, if you still love him and want to make it work, i'd suggest that you first check out, then plan to attend a weekend-long course at www.retrouvaille.org.

Sounds like HE wants to forgive and forget, but he's going to have to pay child support and give his time and attention to the child of the adulterous relationship; do you think you can live with that for the rest of your life?

Warmest regards-

Hatman

"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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3 years ago  ::  Feb 24, 2011 - 2:15AM #3
Ethelq5
Posts: 56

I am thinking about this a lot of times but still i dont know my stand about it. yes you are very right, He wants to forgive and forget, but how can i forget if i know that he has to take care of the other kid. if we will be living together again, the kid has to move with us also. i know the child has nothing to do with this but he will always remind me of my husbands betrayal...


I am really confused...


There's only one thing i am very certain about...that if i will take him back, a lot of people will be very happy, except for one...and that is ME...


 

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3 years ago  ::  Feb 24, 2011 - 5:24PM #4
Hatman
Posts: 9,634

Feb 24, 2011 -- 2:15AM, Ethelq5 wrote:

I am thinking about this a lot of times but still i dont know my stand about it. yes you are very right, He wants to forgive and forget, but how can i forget if i know that he has to take care of the other kid. if we will be living together again, the kid has to move with us also. i know the child has nothing to do with this but he will always remind me of my husbands betrayal...


I am really confused...


There's only one thing i am very certain about...that if i will take him back, a lot of people will be very happy, except for one...and that is ME...


 


While there is much to be said in favor of a self-sacrificial life, personally, were i in your shoes, i'd divorce and explain the facts to my child when he or she was old enough TO understand...and tailor a present explanation to the comprehension level commensurate with my child's age NOW.

IOW's, i would NOT be accepting of MY wife bearing another man's child, and having to put up with the other man's continual presence in the life of the child-not-mine in our home, NOR his influence over the peace of my household, NOR his continual presence being a continual temptation for my wife to stray AGAIN.

But do not take my advice.  i would advise you to get some marital counseling, and have your husband pay for it, if possible...for IMO, those who make bad choices must suffer the consequences of their bad choices.

Warmest regards-

Hatman

"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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3 years ago  ::  Feb 25, 2011 - 8:45PM #5
REteach
Posts: 13,540

Feb 23, 2011 -- 5:08PM, Hatman wrote:

Personally, infidelity is a deal-breaker for me; some couples can get past it, but they are rare.  i've seen that even when the one betrayed DOES take back the adulterer, the first (and every subsequent) time there's an argument, the one betrayed brings out the "but you cheated on me" card to try to "win" the argument. 


We did make it through adultery--1982. I did NOT bring up the adultery card.  We are very happy now and it was worth the pain because we both learned a lot.  It may have been the best thing that happened to us as a couple.  We learned and grew, and grew closer. 

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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3 years ago  ::  Mar 01, 2011 - 6:55PM #6
Mostyn32
Posts: 2,941

Ethel, if you have no feelings left for your former husband, why on earth would you consider re-uniting with him just to fulfill your son's 'happy family' fantasy? If the relationship is dead, file for divorce and bury it. There's nothing that says your son can't be connected with his father as he grows up (the son, not the father, although....) Your son will eventually grow up,  leave home, and establish a life for himself and you'll be stuck in a marriage you don't want. Not a good scenario for you.


Cut your losses and get on with your own life to find happiness elsewhere.

"God is no captious sophister, eager to trip us up whenever we say amiss, but a courteous tutor, ready to amend what, in our weakness or our ignorance, we say ill, and to make the most of what we say aright."  from 'A Learned Discourse on Justification', a sermon by Richard Hooker (1554-1600).
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3 years ago  ::  Mar 01, 2011 - 9:00PM #7
REteach
Posts: 13,540

Why have you stayed merely separated and not pursued a divorce?  Have you asked yourself that?

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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3 years ago  ::  Mar 13, 2011 - 1:32AM #8
Ethelq5
Posts: 56

Mar 1, 2011 -- 9:00PM, REteach wrote:


Why have you stayed merely separated and not pursued a divorce?  Have you asked yourself that?





Annulment of marriage in our country is very expensive...I can't afford it. I would love to be legally separated but it will take a lot of money and time...



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3 years ago  ::  Mar 13, 2011 - 1:35AM #9
Ethelq5
Posts: 56

Mar 1, 2011 -- 6:55PM, Mostyn32 wrote:


Ethel, if you have no feelings left for your former husband, why on earth would you consider re-uniting with him just to fulfill your son's 'happy family' fantasy? If the relationship is dead, file for divorce and bury it. There's nothing that says your son can't be connected with his father as he grows up (the son, not the father, although....) Your son will eventually grow up,  leave home, and establish a life for himself and you'll be stuck in a marriage you don't want. Not a good scenario for you.


Cut your losses and get on with your own life to find happiness elsewhere.





 


.


at first i was thinking that maybe giving it another try will work...but until now, i am assesing myself, nothing's changed...


thanks...i guess you are right..

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3 years ago  ::  Mar 13, 2011 - 3:00AM #10
Ethelq5
Posts: 56

thanks Hatman...


there are lots of ways to make my son happy...i know he will understand because he's smart...i will just show him my love and care...

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