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Switch to Forum Live View Dont understand what I've done wrong to make him cheat or lie to me.
4 years ago  ::  Feb 21, 2011 - 4:52PM #1
lifehappens
Posts: 2
I'm going to start off by saying I do love him. And I don't want my marriage to end. But How can one fix a marriage that is so deeply broken. We hardly ever fight. But money is a major issue for us. He likes to keep his paychecks and not pay the bills. I told him the only way this marriage was going to work was if he gave me the paychecks and I would give him cash for gas and such for work. He did good with the first 2 checks this month but the 3rd he once again kept. He tells me he paid a bill. But when I go there and ask they tell me he did not. Now I'm finding text messages on his phone from a woman whom is known for having the hots my husband. That is not so bothersome as it was just a text from her, obviously answering a question he asked her but all the other texts were deleted. When I confronted him about this he said nothing happened, but proceeded to go to bed with out telling me and when I came to bed he went and slept on the couch. Not sure what to believe. And the only reason I could see he would cheat is because of the money issues and he's mad at me. I am going to see my Pastor tonight. I'm hoping to have a few answers with in myself. Between the stress this is causing and the possible onset of depression I need to figure something out.

Thanks for taking time to read,
lifehappens
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4 years ago  ::  Feb 22, 2011 - 1:44AM #2
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407

lifehappens,

Welcome to the Relationships & Marriage forum. I am deeply sorry for the pain you are experiencing in your marriage. It is completely understandable to have deep worries when bills aren’t being paid and the family finances seem out of control. Given what you have observed, it is very possible that the system of handing over a paycheck and receiving an allowance is not working for your husband. In my experience, if one solution turns out to not be working, it is helpful to negotiate another one that meets the needs of both spouses. In other words, you have a need to have the bills paid, and he has needs that aren’t being met. Perhaps he feels he is being treated like a child. However justified giving an allowance may be objectively, it may still feel unfair to him.

It is also completely understandable to be concerned about a spouse who is texting a member of the opposite sex. The challenge is to communicate that without making accusations or making him ‘wrong.’

I hope the meeting with your Pastor provided some thoughts on how you might proceed. Since you do love each other, and are going through a very painful time in your relationship, perhaps you might be interested in some things that have helped other couples in similar situations.

Blessings,
Arnie

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4 years ago  ::  Feb 22, 2011 - 1:09PM #3
lifehappens
Posts: 2

UPDATE:        The meeting with my pastor was wonderful. He helped me to discover that our marriage does not have a core. He suggested making God our core and see where it takes us. Which I have no doubt that it will bring great things. The hard part will be to get my husband to come to church. But I will not give up on trying and be the praying wife he needs.


As for the money concerns his boss has elected to do direct deposit and since I am the one with a checking acct it will be deposited into there. I figured I would set up bill pay and try to figure something out with my husband to get him the money he needs with out feeling like a child. He refuses to be on the checking acct as he doesnt trust himself with one. He has gotten himself into mands binds with them in the past. 


We did discuss the text messages last night after I came home from my meeting. He has deleted this woman off his facebook. And has agreed to stop texting her. I have vowed to myself to stop snooping through his phone. However with my trust issues it is very tempting at times. And I just need to remind myself that temptation is a bad thing and walk away from it. 


Something else Pastor brought to my attention is that my husband has his circle of friends and I have my circle of friends. After marriage couples tend to remain friends with those people from a distance but as a couple we create our own circle of close friends whom are usually other married couples and we have yet to make that transition. And it would help our marriage if we were able to do this. So I am going to keep an open mind to this and see what happens.


Today is a better day. I have learned that it wouldnt be a marriage if it wasn't work. Hard work is healthy for the soul.


Thank you for the reply and welcoming me to the forum.


lifehappens


 

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4 years ago  ::  Feb 22, 2011 - 3:01PM #4
Hatman
Posts: 9,634
Lifehappens-
i'm glad that your husband has seemed to come around as far as the direct deposits and the deleting of the gal from his facebook page, etc....but you should be aware that many husbands, when cornered/caught, will not truly be repentant, but will say anything just to stop having to hear about it.

As to "making God the core of your marriage," this indeed would be a great thing, but only if your husband agrees wholeheartedly.  i'd suggest beginning by just taking him out on a picnic or to a quiet place(no teevee or other distractions) like maybe a B&B somewhere pleasant so that you can ask him how he feels about God, what he thinks about Him, how your husband experiences Him.

Making him go to church with you will probably not be the real solution you seek; Our Father is Omnipresent, meaning that these is no place where He is not.  Churches are often like hospitals, in that the spiritually sick, not the spiritually healthy, seek them out.  (i know that personally, i became quite disillusioned with the hypocrisy i saw evident in many.)

It may be that your husband would find God by praying together with you every day, or reading particular portions of the Bible to each other; Our Father is Infinite, and may be approached in an infinite number of ways; to cite an apropos Proverb, "The purpose in a man's mind is like deep water, but the discerning will draw it out."  You may have to go fishing to find that purpose in your husband's mind/heart/soul.

In my experience, i discovered that reading the bible to myself and asking questions of God while i read was most beneficial to me; for instance, when i asked why there were exactly 31 chapters of Proverbs, the answer i got was "So you can read one chapter every day of every month, at least."  So that's what i began doing.  Upon awakening, i'd roll over, pick up my bible, and read...and if it happened to be the 22nd of the month, i'd read the 22nd chapter of Proverbs, in the same way---that is, read, reflect, and ask in my heart what is meant by that particular proverb.  That book contains much wisdom, and wisdom is what i sought above all things; Proverbs is like a garden that if you visit, looking to pick ripe vegetables or fruit in the morning, and again at noon, and again in the cool of the evening, you will find ones you missed the other times you looked, because of the different lights at different times of day. 

But that's just my experience; seek your own in your own way, and you'll find it/them.

On another point, i'm glad that you have decided to resist temptation and stop playing Ms. Detective; the truth of "Seek, and ye shall find" applies not only to good things...so seek what you would have in your life, not what you would not have, and many times, you will find things worthy of your growth---love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, generosity, faithfulness, self-control---these are just some traits of character Paul lists.  If you look for qualities of character you'd like to have AND find, you can work on your inner being, which may well soon reflect your outer reality, too...and Galations is only one place to find these.  Again going back to Proverbs, in there you will discover not only what God loves, but what He hates---so that you can practice what is loved, and avoid/resist what is hated.

Once upon a time, a younger gal came home from a date with a troubled expression on her face; her mama noticed, and said, "What's wrong, honey?"
Her daughter replied, "Mama, he asked me to marry him tonight"---then she burst into tears!
Her mother asked, "You say he just asked you to marry him?  Then why are you crying?"
Her daughter responded, "You don't understand, mama!  He's a atheist!  He don't believe in God or Jesus, heaven or hell!"
Her mother replied, "Honey, you go on and marry him; between the two of us, WE'LL convince him there's a hell!"

Told you that to tell you this: by our choices of how to respond to various situations and circumstances, we can make either a heaven or a hell of our own lives.

Warmest regards-

Hatman
"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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4 years ago  ::  Feb 22, 2011 - 4:10PM #5
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407

lifehappens,

Thank you for the update. It sounds as if things are headed in a more positive direction already. Hatman has given you some excellent ideas for how to approach this.

Another thing you might consider looking into is a marriage enrichment program, like Marriage Encounter, which is faith-based. Something like that can improve communication between you so that solutions that meet both your needs can be found. This could include the one regarding friends as well as any lingering issues around money.

Keep us posted about how you are doing.

I wish you all the best!

Blessings,
Arnie

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4 years ago  ::  Feb 23, 2011 - 5:17AM #6
Ethelq5
Posts: 56

I hope everything will fall into its proper places...just pray that he will be able to realize all his faults and change for the better... God Bless....

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4 years ago  ::  Feb 25, 2011 - 8:49PM #7
REteach
Posts: 15,158

Feb 23, 2011 -- 5:17AM, Ethelq5 wrote:


I hope everything will fall into its proper places...just pray that he will be able to realize all his faults and change for the better... God Bless....



I don't think that will work.  A couple is two people. Putting all the blame on the other implies that oneself is perfect--which is rarely the situation.  If, when my husband and I were trying to get back together, I had laid all the blame on him, and did not look at how my own behavior contributed, we would not be happily married coming up on 33 years. 

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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4 years ago  ::  Mar 01, 2011 - 2:39PM #8
Mostyn32
Posts: 2,941

Feb 21, 2011 -- 4:52PM, lifehappens wrote:

I'm going to start off by saying I do love him. And I don't want my marriage to end. But How can one fix a marriage that is so deeply broken. We hardly ever fight. But money is a major issue for us. He likes to keep his paychecks and not pay the bills. I told him the only way this marriage was going to work was if he gave me the paychecks and I would give him cash for gas and such for work. He did good with the first 2 checks this month but the 3rd he once again kept. He tells me he paid a bill. But when I go there and ask they tell me he did not. Now I'm finding text messages on his phone from a woman whom is known for having the hots my husband. That is not so bothersome as it was just a text from her, obviously answering a question he asked her but all the other texts were deleted. When I confronted him about this he said nothing happened, but proceeded to go to bed with out telling me and when I came to bed he went and slept on the couch. Not sure what to believe. And the only reason I could see he would cheat is because of the money issues and he's mad at me. I am going to see my Pastor tonight. I'm hoping to have a few answers with in myself. Between the stress this is causing and the possible onset of depression I need to figure something out.

Thanks for taking time to read,
lifehappens



Lifehappens, you give no indication as to how long you have been married but I'm guessing that it hasn't been for any great length of time.


Did you and your husband take any kind of marriage preparation course before you walked down the aisle? If not, I suggest you ask your pastor to give you an idea of the marriage prep. courses available in your area, and that you and your husband sign up for one PDQ!


Marriage prep courses cover all the issues that crop up in marriage, and help couples to devise the ways in which they can best deal with them. The issues are things like finances and how to handle the money, parenthood - deciding if you want children, and if so, how many and at which point in your marriage do you want to start your family, if the wife continues to work outside the home after marriage, the couple needs to decide how the household chores are going to be divided, and since we do not marry one person but an entire family, ground rules need to be laid to determine how much involvement parents and siblings are going to have in the couple's marriage. There are other issues - intimacy, commitment, respect and trust that these courses cover and your post tells me that you and your husband hadn't discussed any of these things prior to getting married. 


Forget the idea of him handing over his paycheque and you giving him what amounts to an allowance! Think about what that will do to his self-esteem. It also screams "I don't trust you!"And what were you thnking, checking your husband's 'phone for test messages? That's an invasion of his privacy, and again, it screams "I don't trust you!" Has he ever given you any reason not to trust him? Both of you are exhibiting some pretty immature behaviour.


If he doesn't want to go to church with you, don't insist on it. My late husband of 46 years never went to church with me, but he never negated my faith, either, and was always supportive of my involvement in the church.


Marriage is not an extension of the wedding day, lifehappens, all romance and flowers, and happy ever after. There's no such thing as happy ever after. Marriage is hard work, and it takes a lot of love and trust, commitment, respect, forgiveness, patience and support to make even the best marriages work.


If you want to save your marriage, sign up as soon as possible for a marriage prep course. Better late than never! I wish you all the best. 

"God is no captious sophister, eager to trip us up whenever we say amiss, but a courteous tutor, ready to amend what, in our weakness or our ignorance, we say ill, and to make the most of what we say aright."  from 'A Learned Discourse on Justification', a sermon by Richard Hooker (1554-1600).
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4 years ago  ::  Mar 26, 2011 - 8:23PM #9
REteach
Posts: 15,158

Mostyn is wise.  I agree with her. 

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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