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Switch to Forum Live View Dating someone who's already in a relationship
4 years ago  ::  Jan 05, 2011 - 11:38AM #1
ever_evolving
Posts: 31

For the past year, I have been involved with a man who has been in his current relationship for the past 14 or so years. He has no desire to marry her, and just recently found out that she is pregnant.


Our situation was supposed to just be about fun and comfort but HE changed it and said that he didn't want me to be with anyone else...that he wanted to be the man who takes care of the manly duties in and around my house. Unfortunately, he's not  a man of his word.


There have been a number of times where for good reason - he did something wrong - or no reason other than that I know better and deserve better, that I have tried to end the relationship. He always comes back saying he doesn't want it to end, or what can he do to make things better BUT he makes NOT ONE CHANGE. He has even gone so far as to say that he knows he could have done more to make things work. He DOES NOTHING. Even in the worst of trouble, he does nothing different. Its business as usual.


My issue is that I can't understand why it hurts me so bad to even TRY to leave. Why, although I know I deserve better - and that he doesn't really even try - it hurts so much to try to walk away. I will always see and be around him because of our inner circle BUT it hurts so much to see him and not have his attention. His affection.


Is see him maybe once a week. MAYBE. We may text everyday or talk every few days but that's really the extent of the relationship...other than sex. I have had to admit to myself in recent days that I don't even have the willingness to put myself out there or try to make things better. He hasn't so why should I?


He says he love me, and I love him but this situation is beginning to really have emotional and physically affects on me and I just need to talk it through...work it out...for myself.


Signed


(IM)mature

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4 years ago  ::  Jan 05, 2011 - 7:06PM #2
SatanicStalker
Posts: 719

Jan 5, 2011 -- 11:38AM, ever_evolving wrote:

My issue is that I can't understand why it hurts me so bad to even TRY to leave. Why, although I know I deserve better - and that he doesn't really even try - it hurts so much to try to walk away. I will always see and be around him because of our inner circle BUT it hurts so much to see him and not have his attention. His affection.



 


en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Withdrawl


 


His attention is a drug. You know it's bad for you, but like so many drugs, it's addictive. 


Expect it to hurt.


He's a festering thorn. It hurts to dig out a festering thorn, but only once out can it heal properly. 


Do whatever it takes to get away from him, to make a clean break, before he eats away any more of your life, like the 14 years he's eaten away from his other girlfriend. 


Try to make the break as clean as possible. Experiment with different social circles, and only do things with members of your current circle if you can verify that he will not be there. If he shows up, leave calmly but quickly. Date other men, ones who are single and give you the impression they might be better for you than this guy (I'm sure there are many who fit this criterion). Eat cookies, watch sappy movies, masturbate, cry, scream into a pillow. Know, as it hurts, that you are doing what you need to do to be good to yourself. Take pride in the pain. Don't be ashamed of it. Don't be afraid to feel it, either. Do whatever you have to to work through the pain, except DO NOT give in to the temptation to communicate with him. Delete his texts unread, or better yet, block his number. 


Your post is proof that you know he is bad for you, and you know you need to get away. 


~Stalker

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4 years ago  ::  Jan 05, 2011 - 11:40PM #3
Hatman
Posts: 9,634
ever-evolving-
First, what SS said.

Second, remember this advice always when it comes to men:  "Believe NOTHING of what he SAYS; believe EVERYthing he DOES."

What has he done?
String you along.  Confess that he's wrong.  Do nothing to fix it.  Not even TRY.
After all, why should he?  You've already repeatedly demonstrated that even if he DOESN'T change ANYthing, you'll take him back ANYway.

If you'll take SS's advice, i can guarantee you that in 5 years, you won't even remember his name.

As to why you want him?
Could be something as simple as the fact that you can't have him, not totally, anyway.
But consider just how long you WOULD stay with this guy if he DID live with you!  i'd say it's nearly certain that within a week---3 at the outside---you'd be wondering "What was I THINKING!"

Drop the zero.

Warmest regards-

Hatman
"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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4 years ago  ::  Mar 08, 2011 - 12:42PM #4
ever_evolving
Posts: 31

Well, just an update...I finally got pissed enuff to walk away from the relationsihp. Of course he doesn't understand why, says he can fix it, apologizes and so on but I've not corresponded since the initial break. As of this writing, I find myself missing his morning text and even missing him. I find myself hurting at the thought of him just moving on...I know this too shall pass but...

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4 years ago  ::  Mar 08, 2011 - 11:32PM #5
Hatman
Posts: 9,634
ever-evolving:
Yep; addictions are hard to break, but worth the eventual freedom once you're delivered from that slavery.

Stand by your guns!

Warmest regards-

Hatman
"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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4 years ago  ::  Mar 10, 2011 - 10:49AM #6
ever_evolving
Posts: 31

Hatman,


Thanx. Guns are 'locked and loaded' but I have the blues something terrible right now. Been here b4 so I know it'll get better.

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4 years ago  ::  Mar 10, 2011 - 10:56AM #7
ever_evolving
Posts: 31

Jan 5, 2011 -- 7:06PM, SatanicStalker wrote:

Jan 5, 2011 -- 11:38AM, ever_evolving wrote:

My issue is that I can't understand why it hurts me so bad to even TRY to leave. Why, although I know I deserve better - and that he doesn't really even try - it hurts so much to try to walk away. I will always see and be around him because of our inner circle BUT it hurts so much to see him and not have his attention. His affection.



 


en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Withdrawl


 


His attention is a drug. You know it's bad for you, but like so many drugs, it's addictive. 


Expect it to hurt.


He's a festering thorn. It hurts to dig out a festering thorn, but only once out can it heal properly. 


Do whatever it takes to get away from him, to make a clean break, before he eats away any more of your life, like the 14 years he's eaten away from his other girlfriend. 


Try to make the break as clean as possible. Experiment with different social circles, and only do things with members of your current circle if you can verify that he will not be there. If he shows up, leave calmly but quickly. Date other men, ones who are single and give you the impression they might be better for you than this guy (I'm sure there are many who fit this criterion). Eat cookies, watch sappy movies, masturbate, cry, scream into a pillow. Know, as it hurts, that you are doing what you need to do to be good to yourself. Take pride in the pain. Don't be ashamed of it. Don't be afraid to feel it, either. Do whatever you have to to work through the pain, except DO NOT give in to the temptation to communicate with him. Delete his texts unread, or better yet, block his number. 


Your post is proof that you know he is bad for you, and you know you need to get away. 


~Stalker


Stalker,


Thanx. I've been here b4 unfortunately and know it'll hurt for a while then get better. Just need to get through the hurt, rehashing, missing him, etc.


Thanx again,


Idiot for the umpteenth time...

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4 years ago  ::  Mar 11, 2011 - 12:28PM #8
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407

ever_evolving,


It does hurt to lose something that felt so good, even if you recognize it was the right thing to do to end it. It is completely understandable to grieve the loss - not only of what you had and enjoyed in the relationship, but also of any dreams and hopes you had for the future.


I hope that you can be gentle with yourself - you are not an "idiot" by any means.


Often it hels to keep posting and writing about what is going on for you. Please know that you will not be judged here.


Blessings,
Arnie

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4 years ago  ::  Mar 11, 2011 - 5:24PM #9
Mostyn32
Posts: 2,941

Ever-evolving, am I right in thinking that your initial post helped you to make the decision to dump Mr. Wrong? Once you laid it all out there, you realized that this relationship was going nowhere, so you pulled the plug! Good for you! You didn't need our advice, but I believe I can say, on behalf of the other posters on this board, that you have our support and our prayers.


Dumping a partner, even a partner who is a louse, can create a hole in one's life, but you will get past this and move on. Somewhere out there is a decent, responsible, loving man who will want you as his one and only. Go get him, girl!

"God is no captious sophister, eager to trip us up whenever we say amiss, but a courteous tutor, ready to amend what, in our weakness or our ignorance, we say ill, and to make the most of what we say aright."  from 'A Learned Discourse on Justification', a sermon by Richard Hooker (1554-1600).
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4 years ago  ::  Mar 14, 2011 - 1:26PM #10
ever_evolving
Posts: 31

To all who have responding,


 


I am hurting today but thank each of you for supporting me. Yes, I knew this situation was one I should not be in, and I know I'll get past it but right now it hurts, I mean REALLY hurts. I just wished that I'd listened to intuition, advice, the neon-blinking - bold/underlined/high-lighted in red, writing on the wall - that said 'don't do this! You know how you can get. No good is going to come of this. You know you can't 'just mess around!" I'm paying for it now and am praying that THIS TIME, I learn the lesson.


Thank you all

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