Dec 8, 2010 -- 6:37PM, onthewire2010 wrote:

I've let myself get involved with a man who is recently separated and loves his wife very much even though there are alot of issues.  After finding out I exist, his wife has since "changed her mind" and wants to try to work things out.  He realized he needs to be alone for awhile and is very confused about everything naturally.  States hes afraid of making the biggest mistake of his life possibly giving me up and continueing in a marriage that might not be the best.  There is a child involved who wants them to get couseling and he's going to do that.  I told him I'd be here for him, and would be patient while he tries to figure out whats best for him. But, at this point I feel I need to let it go.  I've become very attached and believe he will end up reconciling with his wife. He needs me to be a friend, but I don't think I can do that without getting further attached even if that means I lose the possibility of him and I working out.  Is that selfish or just realistic?  At best I'd be 2nd place for a long time.... I brought this hurt on myself but now I feel like I need a damn support group. 

Tell him to do whatever he thinks he needs to do, but to not bother you again unless he has his divorce papers in his hand. 

Feb 23, 2011 -- 5:45AM, Ethelq5 wrote:

I am separated...does this mean I can't date?

If someone dates you and falls in love and you decide to go back to your spouse and dump them, then I think the outcome is what can be expected dating someone who is married.  If you don't want to be married, why are you?

Feb 23, 2011 -- 5:45AM, Ethelq5 wrote:

I am separated...does this mean I can't date?

it depends upon what you hold to be true about marriage. for instance, if you are a roman catholic and were married in a catholic ceremony, then according to present teaching within the church, your marriage was a sacrament, a sign of god's love and presence, so until you obtained an annulment saying your marriage was not a legal marriage according to church law, then you are still considered married and dating would be a kind of adultery, i guess. i don't know if adultery is defined as a sexual relationship or not in their books.would a dinner date be adultery?

i was separated on and off for three years before my husband's death, but did not date during that time. i was a practicing catholic, and although we were married 16 years before in a unitarian ceremony and made no "promises" in  our self composed vows, by then i had come to have deep respect for marriage and considered our separation simply that--a separation. my husband did date during that time, i think. he was very private. if i had met someone who seriously wanted to date me though, i think i would have been very tempted because separation was very lonely and i missed male company. i guess i would have spent a lot of time in the confessional because i would have felt i was contradicting my own beliefs about marriage and a desire to follow protocol. i depended on the church a great deal during that time for emotional support and i wouldn't have wanted to do anything to cut myself off from them.

I read somewhere that about 85% of adulterers go back to their spouses.  Dating someone who is married seems like a suckers game.  The adulterer gets everything while the spouse and SO suffer.  Make them fish or cut bait.