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Switch to Forum Live View Dating someone who is separated
4 years ago  ::  Dec 08, 2010 - 6:37PM #1
onthewire2010
Posts: 1

I've let myself get involved with a man who is recently separated and loves his wife very much even though there are alot of issues.  After finding out I exist, his wife has since "changed her mind" and wants to try to work things out.  He realized he needs to be alone for awhile and is very confused about everything naturally.  States hes afraid of making the biggest mistake of his life possibly giving me up and continueing in a marriage that might not be the best.  There is a child involved who wants them to get couseling and he's going to do that.  I told him I'd be here for him, and would be patient while he tries to figure out whats best for him. But, at this point I feel I need to let it go.  I've become very attached and believe he will end up reconciling with his wife. He needs me to be a friend, but I don't think I can do that without getting further attached even if that means I lose the possibility of him and I working out.  Is that selfish or just realistic?  At best I'd be 2nd place for a long time.... I brought this hurt on myself but now I feel like I need a damn support group. 

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4 years ago  ::  Dec 08, 2010 - 9:20PM #2
Hatman
Posts: 9,634
onthewire-
While your decision may be 10% selfish, it is 90% realistic, imo.

i'm sorry for the hurt you're certainly going through; it's tough to bear the wishy-washiness of some, imo.

i think you're making a great decision here, to leave him.  If/when he calls back in a month or three, tell him that you'll be glad to see him again---right after he shows you the signed, sealed, and stamped divorce papers, and you call the courthouse/attorneys mentioned to check their veracity.

i ALWAYS counsel everyone to NEVER enter or continue a relationship with someone who's already attached; as you've discovered by bitter experience, doing so causes heartbreak.

And hey---if you need a support group, so be it!  Whatever you need, darlin'.

Warmest regards-

Hatman
"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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4 years ago  ::  Dec 20, 2010 - 1:41PM #3
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407

onthewire2010,

Welcome to Beliefnet, and to the Relationships & Marriage forum! Things have been a bit slow here lately, but I do hope you find it a useful part of your support as you move forward from this episode. There are terrific members here, like Hatman, who are happy to give feedback and provide that support for you.

I think you are being very realistic to recognize that being “friends” with him as he reconciles his marriage may not be the best role for you at this time. Perhaps it might help to get in touch with that part of you that might be willing to accept being in “second place” in an intimate relationship. And perhaps part of you is judging yourself for even needing any support yourself at this time.

Let us know how you are doing!

Blessings,
Arnie

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4 years ago  ::  Dec 23, 2010 - 1:11AM #4
Mostyn32
Posts: 2,941

Onthewire, I agree that pulling the plug on this relationship is the best thing for all concerned, but mostly for you. Frankly, he sounds somewhat immature. wanting to have his cake and eat it, and perhaps he enjpys all the attention he is now getting!


I agree that until he has resolved his issues with his wife, you're wise to break it off. I would also advise that you make yourself inaccessible, so that he has no way of pulling you back in.  Change your phone number and e mail, and refuse to take his calls when you are at work.


There are scores of nice men out there, single and available. Find one of your own, one you don't have to share with a wife and child!

"God is no captious sophister, eager to trip us up whenever we say amiss, but a courteous tutor, ready to amend what, in our weakness or our ignorance, we say ill, and to make the most of what we say aright."  from 'A Learned Discourse on Justification', a sermon by Richard Hooker (1554-1600).
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4 years ago  ::  Jan 14, 2011 - 9:38PM #5
Birdiesmom
Posts: 2

I don't think you should feel that you brought this on yourself.  I started seeing the man I have been seeing for two years only 4 months after my ex husband and I seperated.  I also could've decided at some point that I wanted to work it out with my ex (I didn't) and if I had my boyfriend really couldn't have blamed himself for that.  After all, he asked me A LOT in the beginning of our relationship if I was "over it" and I always said I was.  In my case I was "over it" probably two years before I even left. 


I agree with the other posts that it may be best to let it go.  HARD TO DO I know!  And its easy for someone on the outside looking in to say that.  My boyfriend and I have a very logistically crazy somewhat long distance relationship (he lives in another state but we see each other at least twice a month) and some people don't get that.  We broke up once for like two weeks and I remember my friends, family, etc. saying "just let it go" but the feeling in my heart told me to try again when he said he wanted to.  It took me some time to trust his intentions again but I am glad I did because its been a year and we are a very strong, in love couple.  I guess what I'm getting at is that if we had gotten back together and he still acted like other things were taking priority over us, and he wasn't giving us his effort, I would have had to make the decision to let it go at some point.  Relationships take so much work and can be hard enough emotionally even when things are good...it would be hard to stay with a man who was back and forth on any issues, especially an ex.  I don't think he's a bad guy for having the feelings he's having.  I think that's pretty common, especially if his wife is the one who made the decision to end things or if it hasn't been that long.  But you deserve better than to be a just in case girlfriend.


Good luck to you!

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3 years ago  ::  Feb 18, 2011 - 10:09PM #6
RomantiK
Posts: 1

Hi, I just ended a 7 month emotionally/ attached relationship with a woman who was far ahead of me in the matters of love. She's experienced in giving herself to loving as was the case of her 10 year failed marriage (more his fault) and with me she vowed not to feel inlove again, but she did . I on my part, finished a 9 year relationship with a wonderful woman whom I wasn't attracted physically, but that hwer inner beauty was so big  i was inlove whith that side of her as a person. Both of them gave me pure and unselfish love, but last week in my girlfriends bedside she said she'll love me no matter what, and it downed on me the many times my wife loved me unconditionally and thatv did it for me. I told my GF, I needed to ask my wife for a last chance to show her what I never did before.In the interim, I felt so bad because I was loosong the GF who was very straight up in everything she did and said . She showed the valenty and courage of a great General, who was loosing the war, and her soul understood me tough her heart did not want to, but she showed pure unselfish love and let me go with a smile and a hug. I feel bad still, and so you 're going to be hurt if you don't cut that affair at once, and start revaluing yourself. I don't know you, but you're God's child and he wants you happy,to use the love he give us all so you can be happy , and make some else happy , and when you do that, you make God happy. This is real exerpt of my life right on Valentine's Day. It was awful for both.


Good luck.


M

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3 years ago  ::  Feb 20, 2011 - 2:05AM #7
Hatman
Posts: 9,634
M-
While i, too, believe that God wants us to love more than anything else, i will never buy that He's on-board with adultery.

Glad you ended your long-term relationship with the gf and are going to try again with your wife.

If she'll have you, you should live in gratitude the rest of your life, and never hurt her again.

Warmest regards-

Hatman
"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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3 years ago  ::  Feb 20, 2011 - 3:15PM #8
REteach
Posts: 14,218

I read somewhere that about 85% of adulterers go back to their spouses.  Dating someone who is married seems like a suckers game.  The adulterer gets everything while the spouse and SO suffer.  Make them fish or cut bait. 

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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3 years ago  ::  Feb 23, 2011 - 5:45AM #9
Ethelq5
Posts: 56

I am separated...does this mean I can't date?

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3 years ago  ::  Feb 23, 2011 - 3:32PM #10
nillawafer
Posts: 587

Feb 23, 2011 -- 5:45AM, Ethelq5 wrote:


I am separated...does this mean I can't date?





it depends upon what you hold to be true about marriage. for instance, if you are a roman catholic and were married in a catholic ceremony, then according to present teaching within the church, your marriage was a sacrament, a sign of god's love and presence, so until you obtained an annulment saying your marriage was not a legal marriage according to church law, then you are still considered married and dating would be a kind of adultery, i guess. i don't know if adultery is defined as a sexual relationship or not in their books.would a dinner date be adultery?


i was separated on and off for three years before my husband's death, but did not date during that time. i was a practicing catholic, and although we were married 16 years before in a unitarian ceremony and made no "promises" in  our self composed vows, by then i had come to have deep respect for marriage and considered our separation simply that--a separation. my husband did date during that time, i think. he was very private. if i had met someone who seriously wanted to date me though, i think i would have been very tempted because separation was very lonely and i missed male company. i guess i would have spent a lot of time in the confessional because i would have felt i was contradicting my own beliefs about marriage and a desire to follow protocol. i depended on the church a great deal during that time for emotional support and i wouldn't have wanted to do anything to cut myself off from them.

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