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3 years ago  ::  Oct 29, 2010 - 7:22AM #1
AAAA
Posts: 2

I have something that totally press on my chest… I want you tell me what to do?


Since 2 years I got in contact with an old classmate after 10 years of being away from each others… He was not a friend of mine… Just a classmate… It was nice to find him and other classmates on one of the social networks. Just getting to see how the life went with your old classmates was really very nice… even some of them has already a new look and others just look the same even after ten years!!


 That was it for me… Until that day… when he tried to chat with me and ask me about my current situation and what I do in my life including a question about my marital status and why not up to the moment and don’t tell me the fate!!


 At that time I just felt what a very strange discussion that I really wanted to quit and make it as formal as possible… I told him at that time “nice to have this chat and keep in touch” which I really said as an appreciation and because I am used to keep people surrounding as positive as possible.


 I was really surprised when I found him saying YES FOR SURE!! I am going now to work and I will be back at xx time. I hope to see you then!!


 At that time I told myself “what a sticky!” but I told him I will try. Frankly, the rest of the sentence in my head was “not to be online at that time” I like to get in contact with people but not to that close degree!!


 I should mention here that I just did not want to enter anymore relations at that time… I was already preparing for abroad studies and was just getting out from a very bad situation due to a course monster that did not care how he has broken my heart by pressing very long time on me to the degree that switched on my heart and just leaving me while I was really completely fond of him!!


 By this very bad experience, at least from my side, our relation started. Two days after, he caught me online and he continued his chatting this time without questions but started saying how he feels, his bad experience in life, a very pessimistic point of view, that turned me completely positive to help this person to get over and believe in fate and never ever make anything drive him that sad! I know this about myself. When I really have a problem, it helps me greatly when I have other people around to offer them help and emotions… At that time I started feeling like a mother of a motherless boy… I caught myself thinking of him and waiting him!! I DON’T WANT TO FALL IN LOVE,, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!! But actually I was derived to him.. I spent at that time many nights awake because of my wondering: “How it comes again? In this time” Loving someone through a chat and a very old photo in my background from the school days!! He told me “we should talk through phone”


I completely disagreed the idea but after some persuasion, I got his first phone and it was amazing. Since then, I completely lost control over my heart and became attracted to him… very long calls full of angel emotions and very polite discussions… political, financial, religional, family, we spoke about everything! We arranged for a meeting in a public café and it was…


I never can forget this day… I felt that I have known him very long time ago.. as if we were married for 7000 years … this was also his comment… we are from an Islamic culture and we do believe that the best solution for lovers is marriage. So, he phone my father arranged for a meeting. In the same time I was arranging for my leave. He told me no problem that you go away for whatever, I will wait you!! But actually I was searching for an offer for him… in the same country I am going to… because this was the only solution for our situation… otherwise I would be married to the internet!!


 I started my travel just after our engagement… 4 month after getting to know each others. Abroad I just felt that I can not enjoy any without his company. I tried my best to find him a position… I helped him online to improve other foreign languages; I was stacked all the time to my computer the only way to get in contact with him... Then I heard about better opportunity to get job if he is already with me and I told him let’s try!! I went back to my country to prepare the most important document, official marriage and took it over again and started his travel procedure with everything I can do.. I even moved to another very far apartment which would be more convenient for him… prepared a very beautiful home which already cost me a lot… asked him to improve his abilities in the local spoken language here and faced at that time a great rejection and ignorance of my requests… after everything was ready, he started to delay his start I prepared for his presence in x month and just few days before the confirmed day he decided to have a delay of more 3 month!! This was really killing for me… I told him no problem, you can then improve the native language here… but he did nothing… I went back for a vacation and to get him along while being back I tried to arrange for a party… But I was surprised that he didn’t want any parties… don’t tell anyone… it is risk… I said “at least we should wear as brides” but really my heart was very sad… every girl in my culture has a dream of her wedding party… but for me it was prohibited… I got married without anyone knowledge except my family and his family… I could not even tell my friends!!


 Being married, I found him even don’t want to have sex with me!! At the first moment I thought may be he is really worried. I really wanted it… until I also lost any desire in having sex!! I even do not feel any sexual needs anymore… I feel now that my sexual organs are dead… although I know that medically they are working probably.


 He traveled together… and he spent one month with me… staying at home sending e-mails, refusing to get in contact with people, eating “as much as he can” (as he used to say) and I spend 9 hours in my work, coming back to  wash, clean, make food  and I never said enough! I tried to keep my anger inside… before starting this excursion, we had an agreement to give ourselves two month trial to see if he find job. But it turned out that after two weeks, he decide that he should go back to his future… this was really very depressing for me… he started also telling me you hate me, you want me down… and many accuses that was very heavy for me to hear it from my Love, yes, I do really love him!! I was completely exhausted, feeling the risk of a heart attack… he just think about himself and never thought that I spent one year preparing for his arrival that turned to be dull.  After two more weeks, I found him one morning preparing for his leave!! I sent him to the airport and went back… to my lonely life… home alone… all my attempts were down… half married woman… virgin… completely collapsed.. Hearing his voice from time to time with a lot of accuses… may be I was really stupid?! I was not successful to make him feel my love or he is really a selfish lazy man who just wants to live like a king and accuses all around of being stupid!!


 I have not lost hope… I hope that he will get an offer here and come back. I really still love him… but the problem that we both are in love of him!!


 I hope to hear your recommendations about this situation

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3 years ago  ::  Oct 29, 2010 - 1:02PM #2
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3 years ago  ::  Oct 29, 2010 - 7:22PM #3
REteach
Posts: 13,547

AAAA


I am truly sorry you have been so hurt.  I don't know if the two of you are in a place where you can go to counseling together.  I have a feeling that he is more in love with the idea of being in love than he is in being in love.  


 


Good luck.

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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3 years ago  ::  Oct 29, 2010 - 11:38PM #4
Hatman
Posts: 9,634
AAAA-
i don't know if you'll find this thread again, but i'm very sorry that your heart has been broken, and by such a callous, uncaring, lazy and unfeeling excuse of a "man."

Here's some advice that has usually proven quite sound: sit down and prepare a list---put his good qualities on one page, and his bad qualities on the other.  Take your time.  Sleep on it.  Come back to it, day after day, for a week.

Once that week is complete, first ask yourself "Am i better off with him, or without him?", then look long and hard at your lists.

i don't know what divorce is like for your culture, but what you have now is surely no marriage.
In America, most are interested in a PARTNERSHIP, which to me means that both halves of the marriage carry their OWN weight AND a bit more, so that some can be set aside for the future, for emergencies, for vacations, for education, for a house, and so on.

EVERY time a woman feels like she's carrying her load and his, too, there is tension.
EVERY time a man feels like he's carrying his load and hers, too, there is trouble.

So if you want your marriage to work(but as a virgin, are you still technically married?), i would suggest that you both go to an impartial counselor, each tell your side, and listen to his or her advice for how to make things work better.

If he refuses to go, pretends that all the problems are YOUR fault, makes excuses for his choice to not carry his own weight(pay his own bills, provide for you and the household, put money aside for the future), then you need to seriously consider ending the relationship as soon as is humanly possible.

Warmest regards-

Hatman
"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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3 years ago  ::  Oct 31, 2010 - 10:39AM #5
AAAA
Posts: 2

Thanks dear friends..


Divorce is my last choice... I hope that I will not reach this decision...


I will try this list... I think writing down is good...


Whenever we are togther, here or there... we should go to a counselar... he considers that my attempts to let my family (whom he love and trust very much) to help us is an interference... yesterday, I spoke with him about the idea of going to a neutral third side and he said, "yes this is good but the best that any partners try to solve their problems just between each others"


What really in the time being make me ill, that he just keep all the time sending me that he really miss me... he cannot live without me and some sexual gestures that I am sure it is just because he is away and there is no chance for them to be real... Have you got my idea?

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3 years ago  ::  Nov 01, 2010 - 10:50PM #6
Ceren
Posts: 1,430

Oct 31, 2010 -- 10:39AM, AAAA wrote:


Thanks dear friends..


Divorce is my last choice... I hope that I will not reach this decision...


I will try this list... I think writing down is good...


Whenever we are togther, here or there... we should go to a counselar... he considers that my attempts to let my family (whom he love and trust very much) to help us is an interference... yesterday, I spoke with him about the idea of going to a neutral third side and he said, "yes this is good but the best that any partners try to solve their problems just between each others"


What really in the time being make me ill, that he just keep all the time sending me that he really miss me... he cannot live without me and some sexual gestures that I am sure it is just because he is away and there is no chance for them to be real... Have you got my idea?






Assalamu `alaykum,


There's something horribly fishy in this story.


To be honest, the way it seems from the outside is that he is probably having second thoughts about the marriage (maybe he met someone?) and doesn't know how to end it. This could be why he did not want to have sexual relations with you, so as not to make it more difficult for you in the future to find a husband. This is even MORE knowing that he did not want a walima for your and don't even wanted you to tell your friends.


My advice to you... have a VERY SERIOUS conversation with him and he's either IN or OUT. To be honest, do you really want to be with a man that would not let you tell your friends that you're married? What kind of person does that?  Do you really want this in your life? Do you really want someone who will just put zero effort into a relationship and hurt you??


Unless he has some VERY good excuse for his behavior I would RUN far, far away from him. Remember, men (and women) don't change (in general). IF this is the way he was, this is the way he will be. There's nothing to make you think that even if he finds a job then "everything will be fine". It does not seem like that at all. Do you really want 50 years of this?


All the best,


Ceren

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