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Switch to Forum Live View I can't get over this!!! Please help!
4 years ago  ::  Sep 29, 2010 - 6:00PM #1
suehappy
Posts: 1

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4 years ago  ::  Sep 29, 2010 - 7:17PM #2
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407

suehappy,

Welcome to Beliefnet and to our little corner on relationships. As you have noticed in your own marriage, they can be complex, sticky and generally a mess, especially when there are old hurts simmering beneath the surface.

Despite the hard times, you perhaps see the relationship as basically a good one - lasting for 10 years together is not an easy matter, especially in this day and age. Perhaps part of you also feels that since it was so long ago, that you ‘should’ be over it by now - and another part of you is still hurting and upset about what happened. Maybe you would be willing to express what happens when you share your feelings with your husband.


The hurt from infidelity certainly can run very deep and be very painful, even when it was in the distant past.

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4 years ago  ::  Sep 29, 2010 - 11:14PM #3
Hatman
Posts: 9,634

Suehappy-


People make mistakes.


They need to be forgiven.


Especially after they've proved their loyalty and faithfulness for more than ten years.


Of course you feel betrayed.  You were betrayed.  It happens.


How long do you think you must punish him?  And yourself, for that matter?


Consider meeting with a professional to obtain his/her advice on how to discharge all the pain from this issue COMPLETELY and FOREVER.  If---even after TEN YEARS---you still cry and get "angry for days" about something that happened BEFORE YOU MARRIED(if i understood you correctly), then you have some deep problems that are not likely to be solved by some anonymous posters on some internet site, no matter how much they care about you and your family and your happiness.


My best advice?  Ask yourself how he could ever make up for this incident more than he has already, short of going back in time and not having sex with her, not getting the std, and not giving it to you(most likely quite in ignorance that he had it).


Are you perfect?


How do you think you'd like it if the roles were reversed, and every time he thought about something that happened BEFORE YOU WERE MARRIED, he withdrew and got angry AT YOU for something you'd apologized for dozens of times, if not hundreds, and stayed that way for a week or three?


Seriously, i don't understand how or why he puts up with it.  If you were treating ME that way, especially after 10+ faithful years, i think i'd be visiting divorce attorneys and getting you and your resentment/ill will OUT of my life.  But i'm NOT him.


Learn to be grateful, and give thanks for what you DO have.  Then express appreciation.  Often.


Warmest regards-


Hatman

"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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4 years ago  ::  Sep 30, 2010 - 11:12AM #4
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407

suehappy,



This has been weighing on you for so long - whether it is in your consciousness or beneath the surface, you have been so troubled and hurt by what happened that it has so far been impossible to let it go. You can't help but feel deep such strong anger that lasts for days whenever you are reminded of what happened. You are now recognizing that this is taking its toll on you.  Perhaps there is a part of you that wishes it were possible to be released from these painful feelings and forgive, and also there is a part of you that feels it is impossible to forgive. Maybe you have some idea what you are concerned might happen if you do forgive him.



Blessings,
Arnie

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4 years ago  ::  Sep 30, 2010 - 11:36AM #5
nillawafer
Posts: 587

suehappy,


i hope you can forgive and enjoy the blessing of having someone there who loves you. 


i used to be a very jealous person and hung on to jealousy for years, which was silly really, because it was like the pot calling the kettle black. 


i remember my husband moving me and my first two children to a new state. he was pointing out beautiful natural wonders he wanted us to see on the way, but all i could do was stew and pout because i knew while i was off in another country wilding out years before when we had no children he had made a trip to this state and was wilding out with a mutual friend. this was 6 years later! a beautiful wonder stood before me and all i could do was fume and miss the beauty. 


while i was wilding out in my teens and in my early twenties i met my husband who was a pretty unique and awesome person, but sexually very inexperienced. he was probably a virgin, although he claimed a few experiences.very awkward and uncomfortable in his body. it took me a few years to settle down even after we were together. well, after twenty years he was quite the sexpert, at least when it came to me, and it was then with his new found confidence i guess he felt it was my turn to feel the pain and burn of betrayal. years of fighting ensued and then separation and then ultimately his suicide which left me with three kids to raise alone. 


don't waste time killing what joy you can have in a day. i'd give anything to have him living around this area screwing half the town if the kids could just have a dad again. now when i look at a tree or mountain i try to see it and love seeing it and not let associations destroy what could all be gone in an instant.


best wishes.

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4 years ago  ::  Sep 30, 2010 - 5:09PM #6
Tolerant Sis
Posts: 4,201

Sue,


You were both very young when this incident occurred, and you were separated.  Perhaps at the time, you felt the committment more than he did, I do not know.  But even in youth, men's and women's sexual needs are different. 


Your younger selves are now much older, wiser, and more deeply committed to one another.  It is time for you to say goodbye to the somewhat naive hurt child who was betrayed, and fully embrace the wife and soon to be mother, with adult perspectives and adult acceptance that humans are not always perfect. 


For the sake of yourself, your husband, and your soon-to-be child, you simply must grow up and move beyond this.


 

First amendment fan since 1793.
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4 years ago  ::  Sep 30, 2010 - 6:59PM #7
Hatman
Posts: 9,634
Suehappy-
i'm glad that posting about what has been bothering you has proven to be helpful; i'm glad that you love your husband.  i'm glad that you were honest about your feelings, too.

i forgot my own experience, that most times, women do NOT want others to solve their problems for them, but to hear that there IS a problem, and to sympathize.

i'm a handyman, and solve other people's problems for a living, so it's a knee-jerk reaction for me to attempt to offer solutions to what is ailing someone.

And yes, i tend to get a bit tough, sometimes, too; scars have a way of doing that to people.  IOW, i bring my own baggage to the advice i give.

Overall, though, i'm glad that you have found the experience here at this board to be cathartic/cleansing so far, and i still encourage you to seek professional counseling.  Although you didn't say specifically, it sounds like what you're suffering with is herpes simplex or something similar, and it's perfectly understandable to grow resentful at times that you're still paying the price of his infidelity so many years later, when you were innocent of any wrongdoing.  i have found that what helps me is to accept my part of responsibility instead of seeking to assign blame, and/or to simply re-direct my thought whenever that familiar pattern seems to be repeating.

It's a matter of becoming aware of what you think about, and choosing to think about something more profitable.  In truth, this is the only true power anyone possesses, that is, the power to choose what to think about, and how to respond to any circumstances whatsoever. 

When i first read information along that line, i tended to discount and dismiss it---until i read the author, who is a Nazi concentration-camp survivor.

Warmest regards-

Hatman
"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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