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Switch to Forum Live View please Help - My Husband and I have Drifted Apart - Depression, Unemployment, Issue of Children
4 years ago  ::  Aug 18, 2010 - 4:16PM #11
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407

One thing that has helped me and my marriage tremendously has been a program called Retrouvaille. If you Google it there is information online about one near you. It is oriented towards reconcilliation and forgiveness, and in the process helps couples discern whether they really are "right" for one another.

There are two reasons I suggest this: (1) You are about 50% still wanting to find a way to a great relationship and part of you must believe that it might be possible; (2) At one point in time, you both had the genuine desire to be together forever. Although you don't feel that way now, the fact that you once did is an important element.

All it requires is the willingness to try and actually giving the program a good-faith effort. When we went, I had pretty much zero hope it would make any difference, and was mainly going to be able to say I had "tried everything." To me, though, "trying" meant actually doing what was asked in a genuine effort, and it made a huge difference despite my initial reservations.

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4 years ago  ::  Aug 26, 2010 - 5:18PM #12
annabunny1977
Posts: 6

Hi ArnieBeeGut and CesMom,


Thank you for all your advice and suggestions.  I have left him.  He continued to forge a relationship with the girl he had been having some sort of affair with so I just got out.  It hurts and feels awful but it was the right thing.  I'm grieving for what I thought the relationship was and could have been but in reality it wasn't what I'd hoped or desired.  He was controlling and abusive with bouts of loveliness, which I clung to like an addiction.


Thank you again for all your help.


annabunny1977

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4 years ago  ::  Aug 27, 2010 - 9:23AM #13
Cesmom
Posts: 5,338

Aug 26, 2010 -- 5:18PM, annabunny1977 wrote:


Hi ArnieBeeGut and CesMom,


Thank you for all your advice and suggestions.  I have left him.  He continued to forge a relationship with the girl he had been having some sort of affair with so I just got out.  It hurts and feels awful but it was the right thing.  I'm grieving for what I thought the relationship was and could have been but in reality it wasn't what I'd hoped or desired.  He was controlling and abusive with bouts of loveliness, which I clung to like an addiction.


Thank you again for all your help.


annabunny1977





Good for you!  Chances are, it will get worse before it gets better.  It won't be easy to break that cycle, but give yourself time.  In the long run, you will find that you are a much better person for being strong enough to choose yourself over him.  You deserve to make that choice.

Our need to learn should always outweigh our need to be right

It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.

More people would learn from their mistakes if they weren't so busy denying them.
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4 years ago  ::  Aug 27, 2010 - 1:11PM #14
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407

annabunny1977,

I’m sure this was a very difficult decision to make, and I am sorry that it was the only way that a moderately satisfactory outcome could be worked towards. I have witnessed couples heal through remarkable adversity, and what it took was the genuine desire of both spouses to that end. It’s not something that can be reasonably expected if only one spouse wishes to save the marriage.

Perhaps you are starting to recognize how accepting the unacceptable in the hopes that the good times would return has neither served you nor the relationship.

There is still a difficult journey ahead, and this forum and its members are here, available to share what is going on and interact. I hope the we can be kept apprised of what is going on and what struggles and successes are happening.

I wish you all the best in this new chapter.

Blessings,
Arnie

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