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Switch to Forum Live View Help! Bad decision after bad decision...
4 years ago  ::  Aug 10, 2010 - 6:13PM #1
Laurenjane
Posts: 2

I have been married for almost 2 years (2nd marriage) and have two kids from my previous marriage. I was divorced 7 1/2 years before I got remarried, and we decided to have a baby (he had no children), who is now a year old. He is a complete joy! However, I feel I made a big mistake in this marriage. I am not attracted to my spouse, don't feel I can really open up to him, and don't like his family. Sad to say that If I saw him on the street now, I would not really think he was very attractive. He is a bit "rough around the edges" and swears alot, even just on a day to day basis, and has in front of the kids, which I don't like. He is fairly impatient, pessimistic and a bit racist. He is critical of my kids, although his expectations aren't outrageous -- just basic chores, pick up after yourself, be grateful, etc., but if they don't do what he thinks when he thinks they should, he is upset and withdraws, hardly interacting with them or giving them disgusted looks, which they notice. It gets tense in the house, and they basically just feel like he doesn't even like them. When we were dating, he was more interactive with my kids and I saw a more caring, generous, responsible person. He still is mostly generous and responsible; however, is overwhelmed by long hours at work (which he can't control, other than quitting a job where he's just 9 years away from a full pension/retirement) and I think somewhat depressed. He doesn't work out at all (no time other than possibly 5 am?), has gained about 35 lbs in the last 2 years, and basically goes to work at 6:30 am, comes home late (between 6:45pm-8pm), grabs a mixed drink or beer, a bite to eat, watches some tv, maybe plays with the baby a little, then goes up to bed about 9:30pm. We've only been intimate 3 times since the baby was born.


I basically try to control things and convince myself "it will be OK" or "yeah, it's not really what I want, but it's fine..." when I am making decisions about marriage or relationships!  I am upset with myself for making bad decisions in relationships since my actions obviously affect not just me, but my kids and now my spouse, but I am also really unhappy and unfulfilled in this marriage!  What bothers me the most, I think, is that I really feel hard pressed to work on any of these issues because the bottom line is that I don't even really love him, and not sure I really did. So I am thinking without that basis, its hard to move forward truly with my whole heart, even though I know love is a choice. Of course, now increasingly everything he does (little things) annoy me, from the stupid ringtone on his phone to open mouth breathing when I am trying to go to bed to farting all the time.   I know, of course, these things come up in all relationships, but if you have an underlying level of love and respect, you can deal with the irritating things or work through them.  Without that basis, it's increasingly difficult.


What to do? I feel like a failure in so many ways, but truly want a happy marriage with someone I really love, respect and am attracted to! I feel I have lots to offer -- I consider myself pretty funny, smart, caring, fairly attractive, a good mom, affectionate, organized, creative, athletic, but feel deflated with my current spouse. Plus, I want to model a happy, healthy marriage to my children, not the type of marriage I currently have... Why, oh why do I make such HUGE bad decisions? I think I just really wanted to be remarried and have that closeness and stability, and got tired of dating, and that I talked myself into thinking I could make this work, that even though he wasn't quite my type, it was OK, just basically justified away or ignored all my warning signs..... :0(  And now, friends tell me they didn't really see us together or think we were compatible, but figured, oh well, if they are in love!  Arrg!  If they had really known....

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4 years ago  ::  Aug 10, 2010 - 7:20PM #2
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407

Laurenjane,

Welcome to Beiefnet and to the Relationships & Marriage Forum. I am sorry that you are hurting in your marriage. You are recognizing that your attitude towards your husband is causing things that otherwise wouldn’t be such a big deal in fact be a big deal. Minor annoyances are now major ones. Perhaps you are also blaming yourself for having chosen to enter this marriage in the first place when even at the time you realized it was not what you truly wanted. You are clear about the kind of marriage you wish to have, and maybe you are under the impression that it will be impossible to feel happy and fulfilled in this one.

If it weren’t for the children, your decision would be clear. However, you are also concerned about the impact on them, and possibly feel giving up on this marriage may send the wrong message to them - and yet staying in such a marriage may also be modeling something about relationships you don’t wish for them.

You have so many concerns about the relationship - and you have brought them up to your husband without anything positive happening. So at this point you have only two possible alternatives: to divorce and be a “failure” or to stay an be unhappy. Neither one of these completely works for you, and yet you can’t see any other way out.

Blessings,
Arnie

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4 years ago  ::  Aug 10, 2010 - 8:31PM #3
Hatman
Posts: 9,634
LaurenJane-
If you NEVER loved him, do you think you married him under false pretenses?

What DID you want out of this marriage?

It seems clear that you now feel like you don't love him---no sex, fart king, no time for you or your children, etc.

Does he know you don't love him?  Have you told him, or just dropped obvious hints?

Or is it possible that you DO love him, but need certain things about his habits, behavior, and attitudes to change?

If the latter, then it would be possible to rescue this marriage.

Have you ever heard of the Retrouvaille program?

Google can be your friend in this regard.

i'm sorry for the pain that you are suffering now; if you DO decide to divorce, please take at LEAST one month (of grieving/thinking about/reflecting on the marriage and where things went wrong) for every year of your marriage BEFORE dating ANYone for ANY reason.

IMO, one of the main purposes of life is to learn the lessons we were sent here to learn; though you may lose the man and the marriage, try to never lose the lesson, or you'll find yourself on a treadmill going nowhere, repeating the same mistakes over and over again.

Warmest regards-

Hatman
"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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4 years ago  ::  Aug 11, 2010 - 8:07AM #4
Tmarie64
Posts: 5,277

How long did you know him before marrying?  He was all the things you complain about before you married.... Why is it so repulsive now?


Who is the other man?  What does he do?  I ask because the biggest part of the time that someone is happy in a marriage and suddenly finds their spouse repulsive it's either... A.  they married too fast and didn't bother to get to know each other ... or B.  The repulsed spouse has found some new meat that has their hormones in a turmoil.


Do you wait for him to make the first move in bed? 


How much weight have you gained?   You sure have a high opinion of yourself.  Are you REALLY "all that"?  Look objectively, stand naked in front of a mirror, are you what you want from him?


Do you work outside the home?   You do realize that it is ultra hard to work 14 hours a day, eat, exercise, and sleep?  


Your dissatisfaction is not HIS fault... Look inside.  Don't blame him...you say you don't think you ever loved him, so...you started the marriage on a lie, he did not.  Do not put this on him, it is YOU.

James Thurber - "It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers."
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4 years ago  ::  Aug 11, 2010 - 1:57PM #5
Laurenjane
Posts: 2

How long did you know him before marrying?  He was all the things you complain about before you married.... Why is it so repulsive now?


Who is the other man?  What does he do?  I ask because the biggest part of the time that someone is happy in a marriage and suddenly finds their spouse repulsive it's either... A.  they married too fast and didn't bother to get to know each other ... or B.  The repulsed spouse has found some new meat that has their hormones in a turmoil.


Do you wait for him to make the first move in bed? 


How much weight have you gained?   You sure have a high opinion of yourself.  Are you REALLY "all that"?  Look objectively, stand naked in front of a mirror, are you what you want from him?


Do you work outside the home?   You do realize that it is ultra hard to work 14 hours a day, eat, exercise, and sleep?  


Your dissatisfaction is not HIS fault... Look inside.  Don't blame him...you say you don't think you ever loved him, so...you started the marriage on a lie, he did not.  Do not put this on him, it is YOU.


 


TMarie,


To answer your questions:   First and foremost, I am not blaming him for my dissatisfaction, for the most part.  As I stated in my post, I am disappointed with myself and feel responsible for my bad choices, but now here I am, and what to do?  I think we were mostly incompatible from the start, yet I went forward with the marriage -- unfair to both of us.


We dated about 1 1/2 years before we got married.   I wish we would've dated longer.  However, several of my concerns were not as apparent as they are now (and really couldn't be, i.e. relationships with kids, day to day things, etc.), and as I said, I believe I "glossed over" many things, talking myself into that he was the one, or that it would all "work out".


There is no other man.  Whether you believe this, of course, is up to you, but there is no other man out there on the fringes waiting, either physically or emotionally.  I am really trying to be introspective.


He isn't making many moves in bed, nor am I, and when he does, they are in a joking, poking at me manner, which turns me off.  I admit this is an area where I need to communicate better, and take the initiative, but it's been hard given how things have been going.


I just had a baby last June, and actually weigh 10lbs less than when we got married two years ago).  I'd like to lose another 8-10 lbs and have starting running on my lunch hour several days per week, and with my oldest daughter on the weekend.  However, I am by no means a fitness junkie.


I do not think I am "all that" but that I do have lots to offer; however, it is a vicious cycle -- when you are unhappy, it's hard to be upbeat, positive, loving, supportive, etc.


I do work outside the home, 4 days per week with a 1 hour commute each way, plus do about 95% of all childcare (pick up/drop off from childcare, feeding, changing, playing, etc. and coordinate schedules of older kids) and most housework/cooking.


I do think our currently scheduled lives are certainly not helping matters.  I guess I was trying to relay in my post that it is a myriad of things, including my own choices/actions, that have created the scenario where I now find myself, but that I am just unhappy, and not sure really what to do.  I am not sure how you got that I am blaming my spouse for everything (or absolving myself from any responsibility) from my original post...

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4 years ago  ::  Aug 11, 2010 - 4:12PM #6
Tolerant Sis
Posts: 4,201

Okay, hold on a minute.


Lauren, first of all, understand that many women marry for security, rather than for romantic love, especially if they have children.  There is no shame in that, so beating yourself up now is absurd, two years into this.  


However, as you say, he behaved differently during the courtship, too.  That is also normal.  He was friendlier, more outgoing, more interactive with your children, and so forth.  


Part of what you are experiencing here is the classic settling in period.  People suddenly feel comfortable enough to fart, breathe through their mouths, and so forth, which suggests to me that your husband is more comfortable than you are, and that may be why he isn't responding to what you see as a marriage crisis with the same urgency that you feel.


You can probably work a little on the 'image' if you are so inclined (tell him you really like it when he wears a certain cologne and dresses up a little, or whatever), and on family harmony - your kids must be at least 10 or so now, right? - to be able to work on the happy family game, even if you are feeling you are worth more than this guy (who, by the way, married you with two children, and has been a decent family man and provider these two years, if not a fashion plate).  Try to convince your husband to get involved in the children's activities, maybe as a sport coach or ballet photographer, or whatever it is.  Let him spend individual time with them, introducing them to his interests, too, even if you don't share them.


You have to want to do this, of course, but if you do, start by making some end of summer family plans - going together to a waterslide park, or a county fair.  Pack a picnic and make it a day.  Make a point of being your husband's wife, as well as your children's mother.  When the kids are back in school, convince your husband to play hooky for a couple of days, leaving a babysitter in charge of the little guy, and do something that you consider romantic with your husband, even if he's no Brad Pitt.  Visit a winery, or go for a spa treatment together, or take a hike at a local land trust or something.  


Often, you have to make time for the marriage, too, or it withers and dies.  When kids are young, they demand a lot of time and attention, and back-to-school time is often pretty hectic (at least around here it is).  So you have to take the extra time to make sure that not only are their needs being met, but yours and your husband's are, too.


If you are really just looking for permission to leave your marriage, you don't need our help for that.  I would strongly urge you to try, at least, marital counseling, or if he doesn't see the need to go, some individual counseling.  While I am not in favor of counseling as a way of life, the best counselors can help you clarify in your own mind what you are thinking and feeling, organize your thoughts about what will happen whether you stay in the marriage or leave the marriage, and the impact on you, your husband, and your children.


Good luck.


 


 

First amendment fan since 1793.
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4 years ago  ::  Aug 12, 2010 - 10:49AM #7
Cesmom
Posts: 4,264

Aug 11, 2010 -- 4:12PM, Tolerant Sis wrote:


If you are really just looking for permission to leave your marriage, you don't need our help for that.  I would strongly urge you to try, at least, marital counseling, or if he doesn't see the need to go, some individual counseling.  While I am not in favor of counseling as a way of life, the best counselors can help you clarify in your own mind what you are thinking and feeling, organize your thoughts about what will happen whether you stay in the marriage or leave the marriage, and the impact on you, your husband, and your children.


Good luck.





I second that advice.  I reached a point where I was also unsure of whether I wanted to be in my marriage.  Counseling was helpful.  It's not a cure all, but in our case, it showed me that he was willing to change some things and discuss some things that I never believed he would be willing to change and/or discuss.


Even if you're truly thinking that you made a mistake by entering into this marriage, a counselor can be really helpful in sorting out what to do next. 

Our need to learn should always outweigh our need to be right

It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.

More people would learn from their mistakes if they weren't so busy denying them.
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