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Switch to Forum Live View How do you let go of the only soulmate experience of your life?
4 years ago  ::  Jul 29, 2010 - 3:29AM #1
waterwheel
Posts: 7

I'm in pain and cannot seem to let it go.  I have never had an "obsession" with anyone before, but I have woken up each morning thinking of this person for months.   We met for 4 hours, and it was the most profound "soulmate" experience of my life for ME. . . not for him. 


I have had some experiences in life that I consider premonitions or "psychic" where I have had visions of things that were to happen, and each time the visions have come true.   (For example, when I was 6 I had a vision of myself performing piano on a stage even though my folks couldn't afford a piano at the time.  When I was 14, I won a statewide piano competition on the exact stage in the vision).  In this instance, 14 years ago I was suicidal, alone, and unable to sleep.   At the time I had no child and did not even think I wanted to have a child in my future.  One night, I prayed with all my nonbelieving might for help and had a vision/dream with the most amazing quality of light in it.  Nothing like it before or since.   I could see myself older, standing in a yard by a house that looked very similar to the one I currently live in with freshly prepared raised beds in a garden, a young child happily planting seeds, and a man standing nearby.  In the dream, I had the sense of the most unconditional love and being "watched over" I have ever experienced, and the man said he would return soon.  Things I knew about him in the dream were that he had work involving building homes in some way.  I also knew he told me he wished he had met me 20 years earlier.   This vision helped me hang on in a moment of despair to an idea my future would include love, companionship, and beautiful surroundings.


Here's the situation.  This "soulmate" I met a few months ago is a house builder/high-end carpenter and just divorced after a 20-year marriage.  In all my years of dating, I have never, ever had an experience as powerful as meeting this man, yet even though he seemed interested at first, he claims he feels none of the connection/attachment I feel toward him. 


If my mind created this scenario and I simply want him to fit it, how do I deal with the fact the vision helped me survive and seems so accurate in every other detail (present house, yard, child), how do I let it go completely?  All the meditation in the world seems to be helping only minimally.   I do not want to be a burden to this man and will stop all communication if unwanted by him.   I'd like a friendship, only someone to talk with, but I've probably messed things up beyond that at this point.   I've not shared with him anything about this "vision" and don't plan to.   It's everything else about him I'm drawn to. . . the classic thing you hear described about soulmates where I immediately felt I've known him for years or lifetimes.  A comfort in his presence that defies all logic of meeting someone for the first time.


I have been a single parent for 9 years now, have been through a lot of hardship, and have spent the majority of my adult life alone, outside relationship.  My goal is to be in my first healthy relationship by age 50.  I so want to know what a mutually supportive, nurturing relationship is like.  But I don't want to be some obsessive, addictive person (I'm not an 'addictive' personality in any other area of my life) clinging to some unreal vision of a person that does not exist.

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4 years ago  ::  Jul 31, 2010 - 6:51PM #2
Leolotus
Posts: 74

Hi Waterwheel


 


Firstly, congratulations on your level of self awareness.  It seems to me that you know precisely what you want and are passionate about making it happen.


My advice is to "Let go, Let God."


It may well be that this person is meant for you but the timing is not right for it to happen now. Don't force anything to happen.  Just go with the flow and believe that when the time is right things will happen as they are supposed to.


I was single for around 10 years and at one stage had a very intense soulmate type experience like you describe.  I really thought that this was the one!  This man was not emotionally available and I began to discover was also suffering from a mental illness.  The intense feelings were there but this man was bad for me emotionally.


I cut the ties, spent some time healing and after a bit more dating I met my current partner of 5 years.  Interestingly he is very similar in looks and temperament to the first, even to the point that they both wear glasses!


I guess what I am trying to say is that the actual guy who is the one for you may not even be this one you have had the intense feelings for.  He may very well be further on down your path.  He may even look at lot like this guy!


Regardless I feel you need to take a deep breath, back away and give this guy some space. If he comes back then have a very relaxed friendship and see what comes of it from there. Ultimately the best relationships I have been in are always based on friendship first.


Good luck with all of this.  Remember to keep relaxed and positive!

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4 years ago  ::  Aug 01, 2010 - 2:34AM #3
waterwheel
Posts: 7

Thank you LeoLotus!  I appreciate your words of wisdom.  I felt better even after the act of writing the post.  I know instinctively I needed to give him space, and I have.  He is clearly not emotionally available at the point when so much is fresh with his prior long relationship.  You are correct he may not be the one for me (at least at this time) and I am chatting with other people after a breather.  


The whole single parent dating thing (and trying consciously to keep it separate from my child) gets so tiresome that I swing between long periods of nothing and saying the mantra "being alone is fine" to periods of feeling if I don't actively seek, no one will find me.  Sometimes I think people who are in (at least fairly healthy) committed relationships take for granted how huge a difference getting through a day can be when you know someone is there for you.


I am very aware that my own needs (my maternal nurturing nature as well as need for support) set me up for this, I tried to explain what I experienced as best I could to him to "own it" and make it clear I don't want to burden him or place unreasonable expectations on him.


I also appreciate what you said about friendship.  So true this is the best foundation of any intimate relationship.


Erin


 


 


 


 

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4 years ago  ::  Aug 01, 2010 - 8:47PM #4
Pixie_Branble_Tabitha
Posts: 6

Maybe it's not time yet, for him to feel it, or he is not read yet. I say wait. I get the word TIME in my head very strongly. Try to let it go and trust the universe.

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4 years ago  ::  Aug 01, 2010 - 8:50PM #5
Pixie_Branble_Tabitha
Posts: 6

oh wow, i wrote my post before going back and reading lotus's. So you are probably doing the right thing by stepping back a bit. I'm not getting any "no"s, just a not yet, "time" thing...


 


one think I do know about premonitions and visions, they rarely work exactly the way we predict they will. Something else is still up, in the air, working itself out, and it will surprise you.

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4 years ago  ::  Aug 01, 2010 - 8:54PM #6
Pixie_Branble_Tabitha
Posts: 6

you didn't tell him about the vision, thank god, but you did tell him of your feelings? it could be it has just freaked him out a bit. Definitely back off a bit. People that don't experience these things can't understand them as well, and he might think you're just too much of a fast mover? just guessing at this at the moment...

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4 years ago  ::  Aug 06, 2010 - 7:01PM #7
Leolotus
Posts: 74

Hi Waterwheel


Glad to hear you are feeling better about things and keeping positive about things.


Since you are doing affirmations may I give you some advice?  Here are some I found useful:


"I am attracting to myself my perfect partner"


"I am attracting into my life a caring, nuturing, positive (add other qualities) partner."


What I found the most powerful is as you do these affirmations to visualise yourself with your partner and really get into the feelings of what it will be like to be with them, eg, I used to always imagine myself holding my partners hand and feeling loved, accepted, supported and cherished.


If you are really wanting to be in a relationship your affirmation about being fine about being single may in effect by pushing away a relationship at some level.  Just my thoughts!


I learnt the thing about getting into the feelings at a course because I felt I was being blocked from being in a relationship.  I did this religiously for 3 months and then I met my current partner of 5 years!  I really know it works but you have to persevere and be open to welcoming love into your life.

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4 years ago  ::  Aug 25, 2010 - 3:02AM #8
waterwheel
Posts: 7

Pixie was correct.  It was a matter of TIME.  In fact, I allowed myself to meet 2 other people over the past few weeks in order to lighten up and let go of some of my attachment to Mr. Soulmate.  Both ended up being examples of what I don't want in my life (though one had the same initials as Mr. Soulmate but had uncanny coincidences with my ex-husband). 


Meanwhile, every 10 days I dropped a brief "Hi" to Mr. Soulmate until finally he wrote "Can we get past my little freakout?"  He told me he likes me, and I have been on Cloud 9 with relief. 


The reality is despite the fact I only spent 4 hours in this man's presence, I have never been more certain of anything than that I want to spend time with him.  And over time, as he copes with everything he faces (nasty divorce process and high-stress job), I am glad for 2 things:


1) Patience is a big part of my personality.


2) I have an ability to accept people where they are; literally every roommate or partner I have had has given me this feedback.


I have intuition that Spring 2011 is when things will come together for us if we are truly meant to be, and I am willing to wait.   Meanwhile, the affirmations and visioning continue (thanks LeoLotus).

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4 years ago  ::  Aug 25, 2010 - 11:23PM #9
Hatman
Posts: 9,634

Erin-


Generally speaking, it's usually best for anyone getting out of a LTR, whether due to a divorce, death, or debilitating illness, etc., to have at LEAST 1 month of grieving/reflecting time for every year in that LTR.  Anyone who rushes into a new relationship too soon usually just dooms that next relationship to failure.


So patience is definitely good to practice, though it can be aggravating; i remember asking God to give me patience, once: He told me i'd have to WAIT for it!  Who knew God could be a smart-ass...


Anyway, i wish you well; it's very hard to find someone even halfway great, and ordinarily, no matter how beautiful the rose, the petals drop off eventually, and you find the core that remains---which ain't nowhere near as pretty or sweet-smelling as at first.


And btw: i'm a builder/handyman, and wear glasses...have a garden, too!  *grin*


...i'm just SAYin'...


There's a lot of people that fit the criteria you describe.


Warmest regards-


Hatman


 

"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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4 years ago  ::  Aug 26, 2010 - 12:31AM #10
waterwheel
Posts: 7

Thank you Hatman  (do you by chance make hats or wear them?).  You speak truth. 


In fact, as my mother was a hospice counselor for 10 years and I have lived around grieving families during my daughter's cancer treatment, I told him I am aware it can take years to process what he is going through (nasty divorce after a very long marriage).  So, I am trying not to push/force anything, just bide my time until he decides what he wants. . . without walking away.   Possibly a kind of masochistic exercise. 


I was in a relationship immediately after my marriage ended with someone who had just gotten out of a long marriage, and that "rebound" thing can be very good for a short time, but usually doesn't last.   So I am guardedly optimistic. 


I just have never experienced whatever the connection I feel to this person before in my entire adult life of dating, so either I can try very hard to let it go or keep open to something over time and assume there is a reason it is such a uniquely powerful experience.


Are there really that many handyman/carpenter/gardener single dads out there who have insight into themselves and are thinkers?  Maybe I just have been looking in the wrong places.


Erin


 

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