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Switch to Forum Live View Please gimme your thoughts on a really super awkard super long situation
4 years ago  ::  Jul 28, 2010 - 9:27PM #1
Solomandyne
Posts: 4

Hi my name is Serena and I just joined beliefnet.com today sorry if my story's weird/confusing or explained weird/confusing but I just wanted your thoughts because I'm pretty lame when it comes to love/relationships/dating advice...be prepared


Yeah so this is weird but I'm turning 20 at the end of this year but I've never been on a date. My parents aren't super strict or anything like that I just never dated and actually now that I look in retrospect it might've been an ok idea since only one of my best friends is still dating her boyfriend from high school. Bad side is whenever I've got a crush on somebody I'm too afraid to make a move/I get really shy though apparently I'm not the only one who does that.


Anyways to make a long story short(er) I took Italian class at my college a couple months ago. I met a really cool guy in the class: ok handsome, chivalrous Midwestern guy (he does the whole open doors for ladies thing), very ambitious and driven, opinionated; more outgoing than me I guess but kinda quiet too. (time to roll the eyes another "Mr. Perfect"). He's also about 9 years older than me. We had lunch once or twice during the school year, but we didn't talk much in class. Then later in the year the course got realy demanding I'm good with Italian because I took Spanish for two years but he had trouble with it. So one day he suggested to me that we study together. In the end it benefited both of us because he needed the help and I was so busy I didn't make enough time to study Italian. I didn't mind being ahead.


So we studied together like 4 or 5 times a week, and almost as often I'd have lunch with him and his friends and he'd have lunch with me and mine. Sometimes he'd buy me a drink, and meanwhile I felt we had a mutual interest in each other; it would take us hours to finish an essay composition becuse we'd talk about this or that. We talked about our families, and he especially told me a lot about his. At the same time I don't think our conversations really clicked because I was that shy and we're kinda different people. One day after class we were talking and he suggested that we go see The Ghost Writer over the weekend. I told him maybe because of my schedule, and then told him that the next weekend would be better. We didn't go, actually, and I didn't bring it up during the week, so it just fazed out.


My friends (all except one who thought he was full of himself) liked him and all had different feelings about the age difference, which was something that I questioned too but I thought it was ok for us to go on a date. Furthermore, I'm postpoining a year for volunteer, and we come from far hometowns so it didn't make sense to me to do more than a date, though I wouldn't mind if there was more. Also, it was kinda hard to hang out because of our different/busy schedules and etc. He invited me to his apartment with his 2 friends, but it was far from my apartment, and I (and my best friends) didn't think it was a good idea for me to go over that far when I didn't know him that well. My friends did tell me over and over again however that I shouldn't automatically run away or anything and that I should tell him I like him--after all, even while I was in doubt most of them who met him thought that he liked me.


It took a week for me to work it out but I eventually blurted it out as we were saying bye: I like you. He laughed, but he didn't answer directly to it; then he said if I'd like to study again the next day. I told I'm I'd get back to him later. At first I thought he was a punk but to be fair I did blurt that out randomly...anyway, we worked really hard for three days straight for our Italian final. The afternoon before the big test we had lunch with some of his friends to celebrate. We took the same direction back and he walked me to my apartment, which is near his bus stop, and wished each other good luck. Then there was an "awkward silent moment" (I hope I didn't look that desperate) and he said, "Oh, OK, I guess I'll give you a hug" and he gave me a one-armed hug that I later thought was kind of tepid (though in the moment I was swooning). Btw -- we aced the tests, and afterwards he invited me over with his friend the next evening, when we'd be finished but before we both flew home.


After I turned in my final essays I ran into his friend, who said that they changed plans to do a movie, because he (my crush) sprained his ankle jogging. He called me later and said we'd all do a movie, but if his friend couldn't make it the two of us could go. So I got ready. He called later saying he had to cancel because he was exhausted packing/taking care of his ankle and his friend didn't confirm yet, but the two of us could go out the next day. I was packing and tired as well anyway, so we rescheduled the next day at a specific time although not a specific movie or theatre. The next afternoon he gave me a message canceling the movie, suggesting we eat out -- but he didn't leave a specific time. So I left him a message and invited him to a party I was having with my friends. He didn't reply at once.


At that point I was kinda suspicious that his attention was friendly but not more than that, that he was either being generally polite and "paying" me like for example with the drinks for helping him out, that he didn't really want to go out. My friends became suspicious too and we joked that I was too cute to handle. Regardless I had a great time that night before I flew home. A couple days after I got home and before he flew home he contacted me--but over email--saying he was grateful for my Italian help, he enjoyed my company and we should keep contact over the summer. I don't know what enjoying someone's company means, but there's a lot of stuff on google about it.


So far we have now and then but when we communicate I sorta think the point is passing Italian: send letters over email in Italian or chat in Italian over Skype; he's even going to Sicily for two weeks and said I should think about going at the same time. One of my friends says I can at least benefit and improve my Italian and that's true but I and my other friends feel he was kinda douch-y. Anyways I'm going to be doing volunteer work for a year so I can't practice for long anyway.


Basically my point is and I know it's really messy does it sound like this guy "likes/liked-me" like/liked me?


Is it the guy who "chases" like my friends and 99% of people told me?


What should I do about this long-distance "situation" "this time"?


What should I do the "next time" I meet somebody I like?


Is age "just a number" in my case like some of my friends said?


Note to self shorter posts!!!!!!!!!

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4 years ago  ::  Aug 01, 2010 - 9:04PM #2
Pixie_Branble_Tabitha
Posts: 6

I think guys are complicated and confusing and there IS no figuring them out sometimes. So I would say don't even try, just walk away from the trying to figure it out and move on. God only knows what motivates them to do the things they do.

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4 years ago  ::  Aug 05, 2010 - 6:17PM #3
Solomandyne
Posts: 4

Lol yes pixie now i'm beginning to understand my friend's relationship troubles :)


Mom says I should just move on and concentrate on myself, too...I guess she's right, but I don't know...I don't want to drop the ball...


The thing is that pixie I don't know if I should practice Italian...he wants to meet up before I start my volunteer work and before he starts school...


Should I date more???

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4 years ago  ::  Aug 07, 2010 - 9:38PM #4
Pixie_Branble_Tabitha
Posts: 6

I am not the one to answer that; the more I date, the more disillusioned I seem to become.


Just don't break your back trying to understand them, half the time they are not even being honest with themselves, much less you.


 

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4 years ago  ::  Aug 25, 2010 - 11:10PM #5
Hatman
Posts: 9,634
Solomandyne-
This particular guy sounds a little (maybe a lot) weird, to me(not that weird is necessarily a BAD thing).

A "half-hug" at the end of a semi-date is not really affectionate, is it?

My best advice for you at this time would be to leave him alone, and make him make the next move, whatever that is.

And when he does, be "too busy" to meet him when HE wants, but say something like "Well---MAYBE i'll be free next Friday night; why don't you call me next Tuesday and see if i'm free?"

If anyone makes themselves TOO available, TOO willing to do whatever the other wants just for a CHANCE to be with them, they set themselves up to be hurt/used/taken advantage of like nobody's bizniz.  Been there; done bin took advantage of; din't like it; learned my lesson.

And here's part of what i learned:  "Cain't nobody take advantage of you less'n YOU let 'em!" and "You teach people how to treat you by what you will---or WILL NOT---accept."

If someone treats you like crap, and they KNOW that they're doing so, and you DON'T stand up on your hind legs and tell him "NFW, bud; you treat me with respect or git!" ...then he's on-notice that you won't let him walk all over you.  OTOH, if you make excuses for him, pretend to yourself that "he didn't rilly mean it" or whatever, you will have taught him that you LIKE being treated like the scum he scrapes off his shoe, and you'll be happy to take more of the same.

So "be wise as a serpent, yet innocent as a dove," if(and when) you can; and don't let ANYone treat you as "less-than," no matter what...well, unless you're a masochist, and LIKE that sort of thing, that is---then, just lick his boots and say "Yassa, massa!  Can i have some more abuse?"

Warmest regards-

Hatman
"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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4 years ago  ::  Aug 31, 2010 - 7:57PM #6
Jumrad
Posts: 8

Aug 1, 2010 -- 9:04PM, Pixie_Branble_Tabitha wrote:


I think guys are complicated and confusing and there IS no figuring them out sometimes. So I would say don't even try, just walk away from the trying to figure it out and move on. God only knows what motivates them to do the things they do.




you admit that you were weird story ... You  also acknowledge that you liked the man that do not necessarily like  you, although he never claimed indirectly that he liked you.
as you can tell in the top that he likes you and express it indirectly.
I think what you have to do now is try and keep trying to find true love you. not with a man who had many female friends.

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