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Switch to Forum Live View 2nd marriages - will you share your experience and wisdom?
4 years ago  ::  Jun 17, 2010 - 10:13PM #1
Sunnyb
Posts: 2

I am happily, happily married to my 2nd husband.  My first marriage of 20 years ended several years ago, and through the grace of God, with a good counselor, and supportive family and friends, my ex and I have continued to raise our kids together and maintain our loving relationships with each other's families.  For all of this I am thankful each day.


A couple of years after the divorce, I met the man to whom I am now married.  I can say without doubt that this is the "true love" that you always hear about in movies and books and music.  But it's not goofy, adolescent, starry-eyed love - it is the real, deep, almost indescribable kind.  For this also I am daily grateful.


I know that everything I went through, everything I learned, everything I did wrong and right in my first marriage helps inform my current marriage, and in many ways I believe all of that makes this marriage even better.  I know that my first marriage HAD to end, and I don't regret that it did.  And I know that everything I've experienced has brought me to THIS place, which I wouldn't change for the world.  But I do still grieve for that first marriage and for those young kids he and I were when we first started out.  When I married for the first time, I never in a million years thought I wouldn't grow old with that man.


Sometimes I hesitate to express to my family and friends just how extraordinary my husband is and how absolutely right and healthy and happy our marriage is, for fear that it will be seen as in insult to my first husband or that my kids might think I regret the 1st marriage or regret having them, which would NEVER, EVER be the case.  What's up with this?  Does anyone have a perspective on this?  Have you ever felt that kind of almost guilty feeling about being really, really happy now, even though a long marriage had to end for that to be?


 

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4 years ago  ::  Jun 18, 2010 - 9:28AM #2
Tolerant Sis
Posts: 4,201

I have not been married more than once, but I can offer up a cautionary tale.


My father remarried some years after the death of my mother.  While we all wished him well, the new bride was terribly jealous of my father's 'first' family.  Soon, she insisted that they move hundreds of miles away to get away from the adult children's influence.  Today, she admits this and is sorry for it, but the damage has been done.  My brother no longer speaks to my father, and my sister's relationship with him is rocky.  I have a cordial relationship with him, and with his wife, but I cannot help but resent the loss of affection that took place over those years, and the fact that my father's relationship with my children is virtually nonexistent.


My father is now dying of lung cancer; I have been to visit twice in the past three years.  His parting will be lonely, for although I will attempt to be there, I do not know whether my sister and brother will.


I will certainly not regard my father's wife as my 'mother' in any way, and that did not have to happen.


Honor his earlier commitments; expect him to honor yours.  There is no such thing as too much love in a family.  That's my advice.


 


 

First amendment fan since 1793.
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4 years ago  ::  Jun 19, 2010 - 11:22AM #3
David
Posts: 287

Jun 18, 2010 -- 9:28AM, Tolerant Sis wrote:


I have not been married more than once, but I can offer up a cautionary tale.


 


My father remarried some years after the death of my mother.  While we all wished him well, the new bride was terribly jealous of my father's 'first' family.  Soon, she insisted that they move hundreds of miles away to get away from the adult children's influence.  Today, she admits this and is sorry for it, but the damage has been done.  My brother no longer speaks to my father, and my sister's relationship with him is rocky.  I have a cordial relationship with him, and with his wife, but I cannot help but resent the loss of affection that took place over those years, and the fact that my father's relationship with my children is virtually nonexistent.


 


My father is now dying of lung cancer; I have been to visit twice in the past three years.  His parting will be lonely, for although I will attempt to be there, I do not know whether my sister and brother will.


 


I will certainly not regard my father's wife as my 'mother' in any way, and that did not have to happen.


 


Honor his earlier commitments; expect him to honor yours.  There is no such thing as too much love in a family.  That's my advice.


 


 


 


 




 


you offer wise advice, Sis..my mom died in 1987 and my dad remarried in 1989...my stepmom was widowed also..and she is basically a good lady and took good care of my dad while he was dying with cancer..but my sister, brother in law and myself never really warmed up to her..and she always had to have everything her way. 

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4 years ago  ::  Jun 20, 2010 - 8:58PM #4
nillawafer
Posts: 587

i guess i can imagine being happy in another marriage but i will feel guilty the rest of my natural life because my husband committed suicide after 16 years of marriage and 20 years living together. we were separated on and off for 3 years, but in the end he chose to end his life. i know logically it is not my fault and he could have gotten help, but when someone does this it leaves those left behind with a wound that can never heal. i will always feel sad that as his wife i was not the one who was able to help him. 


if your husband is happy now, and you are happy and your kids are okay then let go of the guilt. 

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4 years ago  ::  Jun 21, 2010 - 8:52AM #5
karbie
Posts: 3,305

My only child married in december; he was the same age I was when I married his father. I was married for just a little over a year; my ex moved in his mistress and later second wife before getting rid of me...and I agreed because she needed a place to stay and she was my friend...or so I thought.


 


 


 


What struck me was just how young we were; by my son's age I'd been divorced and remarried. We'll be married 33 years in October. I didn't realize how much he loved me until my health fell apart....I can't think of many men who would still be around after a decade without sex, but he's here. We've had ups and downs but worked them through.


 


 


 


the one thing I learned from my first marriage was that your could win all the arguments and lose the marriage. I can also look back and see just how long my "friend" had been working to undermine me. After she divorced him he had to take bankruptcy.


 


 


 


I don't wish either of them ill;we were all kids.


 


 


 


You can't stop a person who is determined to commit suicide. i don't know if this will help or not...several sources who can 'talk' to the dead have found that someone who killed themselves in the depths of depression or illness still went to God. The ones who commited suicide to punish others is still given a chance to chose God, but by breaking the contract we make before we came here, they end up back here to finish out their days. It is NOT your fault.


 


 


 


A suicide of someone we even vaguely know makes us wish we could have helped them; I know it was much more powerful for you.


 


 


 


We are allowed to be happy; we are allowed to move on, and find the love we deserve or have grown into.

"You are letting your opinion be colored by facts again."
'When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you."
these are both from my father.
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4 years ago  ::  Jun 21, 2010 - 9:22AM #6
nillawafer
Posts: 587

thank you for your kind words, karbie. you have always been helpful even back in the day i started out here on the depression boards. 


i'm sorry you are experiencing health problems but so glad you have someone in your life who is there for you through it all. you are very blessed.


i think my husband probably did commit suicide to punish us, and it has messed with my mental health to the extreme. i often experience synchronicities that tell me he is not in heaven and he is not about to let me be happy. all my tries are undermined. i don't know if i can reach the level of perfection in my life to be so perfectly blessed and protected from this undermining. i just try to take care of my children and be a source of light in their lives, but i'm a warm and sensual person and still physically healthy so it's a shame to be so alone, i guess when i have much love left to give. probably i will not be so blessed until he lets go.


if he just killed himself in a moment of despair or sorrow, then i guess he gets to be in heaven and i will just have to wait my turn, because i can't skip out just to get to go there too. it doesn't work that way.


perhaps our stories have given sunnyb a bit of schadenfreude to finally go ahead and enjoy an ideal situation created out of a less than perfect one. 

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4 years ago  ::  Jun 21, 2010 - 11:00AM #7
Tolerant Sis
Posts: 4,201

If you can, forgive him.  Accept that he took his own life while the balance of his mind was disturbed; he didn't do it to hurt you; he did it because he was in his own private hell, a hell you would never have been able to touch.


Suicide is the hardest thing, because there is no hope for reconciliation or redemption. But you are letting him continue to live rent-free in your head, Nilla, and you have to evict him and move on yourself.  You owe it to yourself to live the best life you can.  If you feel guilt, no matter how irrational it is, assuage it by answering a suicide prevention line a few nights a week and save the lives you can save, rather than grieving the rest of your life over the one you could not save.


I wish you all the best.

First amendment fan since 1793.
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4 years ago  ::  Jun 21, 2010 - 11:07AM #8
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407

sunnyB,

Welcome to the Relationships & Marriage Forum! You raise a very relevant and challenging issue for anyone in a similar situation. You have received some insightful responses as well - that’s why this is such a great place!

Something has given you the impression that talking about your happiness now and how great your husband is would trigger negative feelings on the part of your family or children. Perhaps when the topic has come up with them, there has been a reaction you have found difficult. Maybe part of you feels you don’t deserve to be happy.

Since you expected your first marriage to last forever, maybe part of you is finding it hard to trust that this one really will.

Blessings,
Arnie

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4 years ago  ::  Jun 21, 2010 - 11:33AM #9
nillawafer
Posts: 587

Jun 21, 2010 -- 11:00AM, Tolerant Sis wrote:


If you can, forgive him.  Accept that he took his own life while the balance of his mind was disturbed; he didn't do it to hurt you; he did it because he was in his own private hell, a hell you would never have been able to touch.


 


Suicide is the hardest thing, because there is no hope for reconciliation or redemption. But you are letting him continue to live rent-free in your head, Nilla, and you have to evict him and move on yourself.  You owe it to yourself to live the best life you can.  If you feel guilt, no matter how irrational it is, assuage it by answering a suicide prevention line a few nights a week and save the lives you can save, rather than grieving the rest of your life over the one you could not save.


 


I wish you all the best.




thanks, tolerant sis. i have forgiven my husband. i know he lived in a private hell. he was a therapist and gave classes on suicide prevention. he used to wear a black silk cape with "suicide man" written on it and little "no symbols" like the no smoking symbols only they were a bottle of pills, a little figure falling off a bridge, a gun, etc. to the classes. after his suicide my daughter attempted suicide three times and was hospitalized. 


because he worked on a crisis hotline for years himself as well i just feel too uncomfortable with the whole idea. i don't think i could handle more suicides. i already think about suicide way too much all day as it is. i was a midwife helping people have home births before my husband and i separated but had to quit when there was no one here to care for the kids if i was called out to a birth. ten years of thinking of death every day is getting exhausting and i don't think i'm cut of the right kind of cloth to work with death issues everyday. that is apparently what he tried to do. 

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4 years ago  ::  Jun 22, 2010 - 1:09AM #10
karbie
Posts: 3,305

You don't need to work a crisis line--just look on all the lives you've brought into the world!! I think sometimes therapists can get overwhelmed by all the darkness and pain they deal with but won't admit even to their own therapists that they are drowning because they just can't admit it even to themselves.


think of how draining it is to be around negative people.....multiply it by seeing and hearing all of their garbage...and that's why a therapist needs one of their own, or a confessor. (Somehow thinking of negative people and selfishness always reminds me of my great-aunt--who thought nothing about the fact my Grandma had to spend the night before my father's funeral taking care of her instead of being able to hold on to Grandpa that horrible night. We heard her talking to someone about it and she didn't even acknowledge that "her sister from Illinois" was his mother.


Years later, she was telling us that she'd asked the anesthesiologist why he charged so much just to put her to sleep for surgery. He'd told her he put her to sleep for free....the fee was for waking her back up. He might have been able to take competitive bids  from the family....


On my worst days I keep in mind that i am increasing my child's chances of committing suicide to 50% if I kill myself and that the person who finds me will probably be someone that I love.As it stands, he sees that no matter how much pain I'm in, I won't bail out on him...and he has told me somedays he can see how deep my love has to be because of that.


Now to get into the psychic stuff again--your ex may be earthbound; my father supposedly was for awhile because he refused to accept he hadn't made it through the 4th heart attack. Just tell him he's dead, go into the light....and that's all you can do except pray for him, and tell him he can't control your life any more. Picture yourself surrounded by the White Light of the Holy Spirit--you can visulaize it as surrounding you like Glinda's bubble or just a glow surrounding your body..which can include your house, your car, your kids...it can't do any harm and may serve as a block to negative energy.


If I've ever helped you, I'm glad...it makes me feel like I'm still good for something positive and that's important to me.


You deserve happiness. Your whole family does especially after all the suffering you've been through.

"You are letting your opinion be colored by facts again."
'When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you."
these are both from my father.
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