Thank you so much for writing. Yes, I'd say that there is definitely unfinished business. However, I don't know ANYTHING about my ex anymore. I'm sure he's very different than the eighteen year old boy I loved! I feel like I am just stuck "romanticizing" the past relationship. I also feel a lot of guilt in the way I handled things with him. I was young, selfish, and inconsiderate. I didn't realize what I had and I was always looking for the next best thing. I know I was only 17 and 18, but to this day, MANY years later...I still wonder..."Had I been a better woman...a better person...would we have worked out?" I feel like I'm in this guilt trap and it's so difficult to overcome. I've prayed for forgiveness and know that God has forgotten my sins already...but I feel so horrible for the reputation I created for myself with that first love and all those involved. 

Does this make sense? I must sound crazy...but my mind is constantly racing...thinking...what is he doing now? does he miss me? we were so perfect for one another. Although, like I've said before, I know NOTHING about him! My fiance is great, and I keep trying to envision the way I'd feel about my fiance in a couple years if I walked out. I think I'd be in the same position...thinking "Why did I ever leave him, we would have been so great together." I'm starting to think there is something inside of us...some trait that makes us difficult to satisfy. We are always wanting more, scared to sign up for a lifelong commitment etc. 

I want nothing more than a quiet and content life. However, my "human nature" is saying... "Chrissie, after you're married ALL the fun is over. You will never get to have fun!" I know this is inaccurate, but sometimes the thoughts overtake you and it's difficult to rationalize. It's just hard when so much of your past is consumed with seeking attention from males, and building self esteem through that attention. Looking back, that was always my agenda. It angers me quite a bit to know that I was never truly content and never satisfied unless I had someone to have a "crush" on. Going from that roller coaster of a life, to a stable, loving man is a drastic transition. A beautiful one, but it's hard to deny the urges and desires of my flesh/ego. You know?

It's so great to be able to post on here and receive such valuable feedback. I think there's a part in me that will ALWAYS want what I don't have. I need to accept this, recognize it, and move on. 

Are you married? 

Chrissie

I can truly understand your feelings, this coming from a woman who gets married tomorrow! This will be my second marriage, so I'm a little bit more prepared than I was the first time.  I won't suggest what you should or should not do, but let me tell you a bit about my situation.  For my first marriage, the day before, I cried in my mother's arms because I knew this marriage would end in divorce, however, I didn't have the courage to call it off.  How could I? The day before? How a person do such a thing, right? WRONG!  I never should've gone through with it and I knew it but I just didn't have the courage.  Now with my second "to be" husband, I know that he will make me happy for the rest of my life.  He adores me, worships me and has me on a pedestal no one can take me down from.  The way he treats me, the feeling I get when I see him after a long day, knowing that only him can make it better....he's the 1!  If you don't get those butterflies in the stomach feeling when he walks through the door, then you know it will not last a lifetime, but if you know that 10, 20, 30 years from now you will feel the same way when he walks through that door, he's the 1!  If you don't......you fill in the blanks.  Good luck and God bless!  I hope whatever decision you make, is the right one for you!