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Switch to Forum Live View Cold Feet before a Wedding
5 years ago  ::  Jun 12, 2010 - 10:40AM #31
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407

Chrissie,

Welcome to Beliefnet and this forum! Thank you for sharing your thoughts and for being so honest about what has been troubling you. Remember that each person has both good qualities and qualities that are not so comfortable. Previously you saw only your fiance's good qualities, and have now seen some not-so-good ones. His good qualities are still there - you just have a more realistic perspective; this points to your having lived together to be a potentially positive thing towards your long-term prospects as a couple. I hope you don't get too caught up with misguided views about "sin" since that will be a stumbling stone to creating a wonderful marriage. (btw - Christians have higher divorce rates than atheists and agnostics.) Anyone who says they know what "God intended" is of course speaking as if they were Him - which is of course idolatry. As  Christian, surely you know that He speaks to you through prayer. Are you listening?

Is it possible for you to delve more deeply into the source of your fears? For example, what was your family like growing up - how was your parents' relationship and the ones around you when you were younger?

Perhaps you are discovering the biggest downside to cohabitation before marriage - the escape route. Marriage is (supposedly) a lifetime commitment, foreswearing all others for good; living together, it is relatively easy to split if it doesn't work. Maybe the permanence of the commitment is what is so scary - if so, then it is completely natural to be having thoughts of a previous love. Perhaps there is still some unfinished business with the old bf, that a part of you has been secretly regretting the end of that relationship and wondering "what if."

Have you discussed your concerns with him? Hatman has a wonderful list of topics that any couple considering marriage would benefit by reading and discussing.

Olga,

Have you considered any pre-marriage counseling or a program like Engaged Encounter? These can be very helpful in coming to a deeper understanding of what marriage is all about. Maybe the role models in your family of origin have not been such good ones.

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5 years ago  ::  Jun 12, 2010 - 11:59AM #32
Chrissie
Posts: 2

Thank you so much for writing. Yes, I'd say that there is definitely unfinished business. However, I don't know ANYTHING about my ex anymore. I'm sure he's very different than the eighteen year old boy I loved! I feel like I am just stuck "romanticizing" the past relationship. I also feel a lot of guilt in the way I handled things with him. I was young, selfish, and inconsiderate. I didn't realize what I had and I was always looking for the next best thing. I know I was only 17 and 18, but to this day, MANY years later...I still wonder..."Had I been a better woman...a better person...would we have worked out?" I feel like I'm in this guilt trap and it's so difficult to overcome. I've prayed for forgiveness and know that God has forgotten my sins already...but I feel so horrible for the reputation I created for myself with that first love and all those involved. 


 


Does this make sense? I must sound crazy...but my mind is constantly racing...thinking...what is he doing now? does he miss me? we were so perfect for one another. Although, like I've said before, I know NOTHING about him! My fiance is great, and I keep trying to envision the way I'd feel about my fiance in a couple years if I walked out. I think I'd be in the same position...thinking "Why did I ever leave him, we would have been so great together." I'm starting to think there is something inside of us...some trait that makes us difficult to satisfy. We are always wanting more, scared to sign up for a lifelong commitment etc. 


 


I want nothing more than a quiet and content life. However, my "human nature" is saying... "Chrissie, after you're married ALL the fun is over. You will never get to have fun!" I know this is inaccurate, but sometimes the thoughts overtake you and it's difficult to rationalize. It's just hard when so much of your past is consumed with seeking attention from males, and building self esteem through that attention. Looking back, that was always my agenda. It angers me quite a bit to know that I was never truly content and never satisfied unless I had someone to have a "crush" on. Going from that roller coaster of a life, to a stable, loving man is a drastic transition. A beautiful one, but it's hard to deny the urges and desires of my flesh/ego. You know?


 


It's so great to be able to post on here and receive such valuable feedback. I think there's a part in me that will ALWAYS want what I don't have. I need to accept this, recognize it, and move on. 


 


Are you married? 


 


Chrissie

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5 years ago  ::  Jun 12, 2010 - 8:56PM #33
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407

It is completely understandable to try to second guess yourself about the past. Perhaps you feeling some guilt over what happened then and would like to resolve it once and for all. And you recognize that if the feelings over the ex and the past were to cause leaving your fiance, that you would probably have similar regrets about this relationship.

Maybe part of your concerns about marriage are feeling you will inevitable grow comfortable with a husband and be attracted to someone else. You are finding it difficult to accept the "forsaking all others" part of marriage.

Next year my wife and I will celebrate 30 years of marriage. They have not all been easy or even pleasant, and some have been downright miserable. And it has all been worth it - today our relationship is better than ever. (Take that Al and Tipper! Smile)

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5 years ago  ::  Jun 17, 2010 - 12:19PM #34
Madambutterfly
Posts: 1

I can truly understand your feelings, this coming from a woman who gets married tomorrow! This will be my second marriage, so I'm a little bit more prepared than I was the first time.  I won't suggest what you should or should not do, but let me tell you a bit about my situation.  For my first marriage, the day before, I cried in my mother's arms because I knew this marriage would end in divorce, however, I didn't have the courage to call it off.  How could I? The day before? How a person do such a thing, right? WRONG!  I never should've gone through with it and I knew it but I just didn't have the courage.  Now with my second "to be" husband, I know that he will make me happy for the rest of my life.  He adores me, worships me and has me on a pedestal no one can take me down from.  The way he treats me, the feeling I get when I see him after a long day, knowing that only him can make it better....he's the 1!  If you don't get those butterflies in the stomach feeling when he walks through the door, then you know it will not last a lifetime, but if you know that 10, 20, 30 years from now you will feel the same way when he walks through that door, he's the 1!  If you don't......you fill in the blanks.  Good luck and God bless!  I hope whatever decision you make, is the right one for you!

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5 years ago  ::  Jun 17, 2010 - 8:40PM #35
Olga
Posts: 10

Jun 17, 2010 -- 12:19PM, Madambutterfly wrote:


 


I can truly understand your feelings, this coming from a woman who gets married tomorrow! This will be my second marriage, so I'm a little bit more prepared than I was the first time.  I won't suggest what you should or should not do, but let me tell you a bit about my situation.  For my first marriage, the day before, I cried in my mother's arms because I knew this marriage would end in divorce, however, I didn't have the courage to call it off.  How could I? The day before? How a person do such a thing, right? WRONG!  I never should've gone through with it and I knew it but I just didn't have the courage.  Now with my second "to be" husband, I know that he will make me happy for the rest of my life.  He adores me, worships me and has me on a pedestal no one can take me down from.  The way he treats me, the feeling I get when I see him after a long day, knowing that only him can make it better....he's the 1!  If you don't get those butterflies in the stomach feeling when he walks through the door, then you know it will not last a lifetime, but if you know that 10, 20, 30 years from now you will feel the same way when he walks through that door, he's the 1!  If you don't......you fill in the blanks.  Good luck and God bless!  I hope whatever decision you make, is the right one for you!


 






 


Well, I read a lot of stories like yours, so I'm familiar with that situation. Your case seems to be all black and white. But what do you do if part of you has butterflies about sharing a future with the one you love, while the other part is wondering if you can live like that for the rest of your life? Like never falling in love again, being committed, etc? I'm also wondering how long have you been with your second fiance? I had very very similar feelings at the beginning of our relationship, and I still have them sometimes, but I'm no longer as dizzy as I used to be . I mean I'm very happy when he comes home and he does treat me well just as you described your current fiance, but sometimes I also wonder if this will continue to be the same for another 20 or 30 years. How can I be sure?

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5 years ago  ::  Jun 18, 2010 - 8:53AM #36
Hatman
Posts: 9,634
Olga-

I also wonder if this will continue to be the same for another 20 or 30 years. How can I be sure?


The short answer is "you can't."

People change.  You either choose to grow with them or grow apart, that's about it.

Sometimes, people grow TOO far apart, and that's that.  Life's got no guarantees; even if you marry tomorrow and expect 30-50years of happiness, either one of you could be struck down in an instant by any number of things, from accident to illness, etc.

About all you can do is minimize your risk by inquiring deeply into his or her character---how they fight, what is important to them, who their heroes are and why, what their sense of humor is like, how patient they are, are they kind, how do they treat waitresses and other service people, etc.

Warmest regards-

Hatman

"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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5 years ago  ::  Jun 18, 2010 - 10:50AM #37
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407

Madambutterfly,  Welcome to Beliefnet! And all the best on your wedding day! May your marriage turn out to be everything you are hoping for.  I sincerely hope as well that the butterflies will continue to flutter for the rest of your days. You may find, though, that like many a pedestal is not necessarily the most comfortable place to stay on for that long. It may be difficult to imagine it ever changing, and yet long-term relationships have a tendency to evolve and move to different places (basically what Hatman is saying). It can help to be aware of that possibility.


Of course, on your wedding day, you have a bright future with a wonderful man and the promise of a lifetime of love and joy ahead!

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5 years ago  ::  Jun 18, 2010 - 11:00AM #38
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407

Olga, perhaps it would come as a surprise that what you are feeling now is more like what couples experience as they are moving from the "romance" stage of the relationship into the second stage. The giddy, "in-love" feelings simply cannot be maintained by most people for very long - and the commitment of marriage actually accelerates the process of leaving the "honeymoon" phase.


A fulfilling long-term relationship doesn't just happen, it takes some effort (I dislike the term 'work' because it's not a chore really). It's like staying in shape - you can't engage in furious workouts for a brief period of time and then stop expecting to stay in the same condition as when you were exercising. What makes marriages last is not so much the "good" things as it is how a couple learns to cope with the "bad" things - and there will inevitably be some bad times (I hate to burst the bubble). You and he are two imperfect people (and if this isn't the case, please send me how the Vatican can reach you to start the sainthood process) and these "shadow" sides of each of you will inevitably emerge as your marriage continues. Your fears are in that sense completely justified, since it is inevitable that there will be some points of conflict and contention. In those times, what will help carry you through is knowing that in the long-run, commitment, trust, and even love are all decisions to be made, not feelings.

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