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Switch to Forum Live View Is it OK to date someone in the midst of a divorce?
5 years ago  ::  May 20, 2010 - 4:27PM #1
Sistah1
Posts: 47

singleindependentsistah.wordpress.com/20...


Some people think it's OK. I tried it once, but I was uncomfortable. Won't do it again.

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5 years ago  ::  May 24, 2010 - 2:35PM #2
appy20
Posts: 10,165

I don't think so.  It violate my ethical beliefs.  I believe all marriages deserve respect even if they are awful.  I think that they should officially end before dating happens.  I never dated anyone separated or married.  I think the marriage should officially end.


I also think there should be a period of time after the divorce before a serious relationship is entered into.  People should grieve, process and maybe try to learn from the divorce before moving on.  People who don't do that end up making the same mistake over again.  A well-meaning single person can get hurt by that process if they are not careful.

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5 years ago  ::  Jun 03, 2010 - 7:10PM #3
Hatman
Posts: 9,634

i agree with Appy; i also have a friend who's about to end a 14+year marriage in the relatively-near future. 


He has recently been reminiscing to me about various women he has known in the past, and when i mentioned that he'd soon be free to pursue them, he reflected that at his present age, his priorities had changed, and he doubted he'd do any dating anytime in the future.  i then commented about a general "rule of thumb" i seem to recall having read from somewhere on these boards, that no dating should occur after a marriage ends for a period of time roughly equal to 1 month for every year of the marriage; this gives the wounded party time to process, time to heal, and time to recover some sense of stability and calm, some perspective before perhaps repeating the exact same mistake with someone else.


Unfortunately, human nature is generally not to learn much if anything from the experiences of others; this unhappy circumstance gave rise to the following observation, i believe:


"Experience is the school of mankind, but fools will learn at no other," which i take to mean that you can learn and avoid much pain and unpleasantness if you're willing to educate yourself from the mistakes others have made, or you can go out and make 'em yourself---and endure the suffering that is the inevitable consequence of ignoring "Watch out for that stove!  It's hot and will burn you!"


Warmest regards-


Hatman


 

"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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4 years ago  ::  Nov 21, 2010 - 2:51PM #4
Katja144
Posts: 57

I'd rather not.  You could get stuck in a situation where they decide to get back together and you're left in the cold.  Or where the other party tries to blame you for the divorce or pulls out in court that their husband/wife was cheating with you (even if it's not true.  I believe my mom and dad started dating before my dad's divorce from his first wife was final--I think it might've been a drawn-out divorce--and my mom told me that his ex went around telling everybody that my mom was the reason they broke up).  If nothing else, you'll likely get stuck with a lot of drama, whether the person you're dating is stressed out, complaining all the time, hounded by the soon-to-be ex, etc.  And then there's the fact that someone will always look at you askance.


Geez, I was nervous that my partner and I started dating only a few months after his previous girlfriend died--I was afraid his friends and family might think I'd been waiting in the wings and pounced as soon as she died--it wasn't true; I didn't start feeling "that way" for him until after she died, but nobody else had any way of knowing that--or worse, to think that he and I had been having a thing going while he was still with her and only brought it out into the open after she died.

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4 years ago  ::  Feb 02, 2011 - 5:45PM #5
TitaniumOrchid
Posts: 5
Hello everyone,

I'm kind of a new-again b-netter-  and in the beginning stages of divorce.  I filed in August, and haven't been out much, since my main focus has been my own grief and supporting my children.  Just last week, a man I'd just in a store a few moments earlier tracked me down on the street and told me he was "very taken", and asked me to lunch.  He was defnintely attractive- I've described him to my friends as the "hot European guy," lol. 
 
It took me by surprise; my brain isn't even in that drive yet!  I've been "alone" in my marriage for years, but the thought of even having coffee with someone feels like a big mistake.  Maybe it's because I've been in counseling for a while- I've learned you can  have feelings and urges, but it doesn't mean you should act on them.
I read below about the formula for how long a person should wait- I agree.  Then again, I haven't been approached by someone who I'm extremely attracted to yet, so I'm squawking from a safe perch now!

I also know I'm not ready because I caught myself feeling very nervous- not just from the initial shock, but because I found myself editing my responses-  did my lipstick wear off? Am I saying something stupid now? I was experiencing the awkwardness I'd suffered from for years before I was married.  I used to worry about how I appeared rather than whether this person was what I wanted in my life.  Baaaad thought mode!!
 
The other factor for me is that I know it would be unfair to pull someone into my drama right now- all I'm thinking about is the divorce and what I need to get through it. If I connect myself in that way with someone now- would I be able to distinguish between love and obligation later?  
   
I have faith that the right person will come into my life when I'm ready, and if anyone approaches me in the mean time-- I'll say "thanks for the confidence boost!"  And by the way, that's exactly what I told the man. 
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4 years ago  ::  Feb 09, 2011 - 1:40AM #6
lil_lamb
Posts: 2,898

Feb 2, 2011 -- 5:45PM, TitaniumOrchid wrote:

Hello everyone,

I'm kind of a new-again b-netter-  and in the beginning stages of divorce.  I filed in August, and haven't been out much, since my main focus has been my own grief and supporting my children.  Just last week, a man I'd just in a store a few moments earlier tracked me down on the street and told me he was "very taken", and asked me to lunch.  He was defnintely attractive- I've described him to my friends as the "hot European guy," lol. 
 
It took me by surprise; my brain isn't even in that drive yet!  I've been "alone" in my marriage for years, but the thought of even having coffee with someone feels like a big mistake.  Maybe it's because I've been in counseling for a while- I've learned you can  have feelings and urges, but it doesn't mean you should act on them.
I read below about the formula for how long a person should wait- I agree.  Then again, I haven't been approached by someone who I'm extremely attracted to yet, so I'm squawking from a safe perch now!

I also know I'm not ready because I caught myself feeling very nervous- not just from the initial shock, but because I found myself editing my responses-  did my lipstick wear off? Am I saying something stupid now? I was experiencing the awkwardness I'd suffered from for years before I was married.  I used to worry about how I appeared rather than whether this person was what I wanted in my life.  Baaaad thought mode!!
 
The other factor for me is that I know it would be unfair to pull someone into my drama right now- all I'm thinking about is the divorce and what I need to get through it. If I connect myself in that way with someone now- would I be able to distinguish between love and obligation later?  
   
I have faith that the right person will come into my life when I'm ready, and if anyone approaches me in the mean time-- I'll say "thanks for the confidence boost!"  And by the way, that's exactly what I told the man. 


i don't think it really works, altho my friend has done it. but she's in a small town and her guy's marriage was dead for years before. so you know, no real shocks there to be had.


it occurs to me, tho, that when that guy approached you, you fell an eensy weensy bit into what i call the *girl thing*... imagining very far into the future and making decisions on what could be as opposed to what is.


but then again, i could just be projecting myself.

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4 years ago  ::  Jun 01, 2011 - 10:49AM #7
Ladyghosthunter
Posts: 19

For me and my situation, I would rather get my life and my head on straight before assuming another relationship or dating. I've got too much on my plate emotionally right now to be getting myself into any kind of relationship...


IMHO, it would not be wise as you are going from one heartache possibly into many more. Get yourself right first with your life THEN when you are ready, you will know when to make that next step forward. Meet people first and see how it goes from there...

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