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Switch to Forum Live View Why are we fighting all the time?
4 years ago  ::  Apr 08, 2010 - 10:01AM #1
Gatitoplata
Posts: 2

We are both in our early twenties and two years ago our relationship was great, we were both happy and spent a lot of time out and about together.  Recently, or over the past few months, we've just been fighting constantly.  He went from happy and care-free to apathetic and sometimes resentful.  Usually when we fight, he acts like nothing has happened the next day and I'm usually still upset about it.  He never wants to talk about it, though.  I noticed he was stressed and felt like he was under a lot of pressure, so I thought maybe he was feeling depressed and that was why things weren't going well.  This morning I asked him if he was happy and he said that he was.  I then asked why he thought we fought so much and he said it was because I was a female dog (he used a more colorful word) and there was nothing he could do about it.  I think we have a lack of communication or something, but if he won't listen, I don't know how to make things better or back to the way they used to be.  I don't want to fight.  What can we do?

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4 years ago  ::  Apr 08, 2010 - 10:14AM #2
Ageo
Posts: 453

Apr 8, 2010 -- 10:01AM, Gatitoplata wrote:


We are both in our early twenties and two years ago our relationship was great, we were both happy and spent a lot of time out and about together.  Recently, or over the past few months, we've just been fighting constantly.  He went from happy and care-free to apathetic and sometimes resentful.  Usually when we fight, he acts like nothing has happened the next day and I'm usually still upset about it.  He never wants to talk about it, though.  I noticed he was stressed and felt like he was under a lot of pressure, so I thought maybe he was feeling depressed and that was why things weren't going well.  This morning I asked him if he was happy and he said that he was.  I then asked why he thought we fought so much and he said it was because I was a female dog (he used a more colorful word) and there was nothing he could do about it.  I think we have a lack of communication or something, but if he won't listen, I don't know how to make things better or back to the way they used to be.  I don't want to fight.  What can we do?




Understanding is required for a relationship.


If your boyfriend is beneath a bridge, in the understandings of the structure, you can't very well relate to what he sees, if you stand atop the bridge.  As he, with you.


To relate, it is much easier to see one as you.  As it's difficult to relate to an ant, unless you are on their level.  So too it is with people, and their feelings.


When anger, and hostility arises with many words, this implies a variance of understandings.  The more one relates, the less variance they have.  To relate you must understand, and this is done by questions.


To love, one relates to another.  One sees through their eyes, and gives to them, whether by words, thoughts, or other actions, as they would want for their self, in the understandings, and eyes of the other.


See beyond one truth, and yet know good and evil.  You can both appear to be right, and both be wrong.


A relationship requires unified understandings to flourish.  As 2 halves to a whole.  You are as 2 tools that can work well together as a unified force to support one another.


Thus, by understanding, your boyfriend could desire something, and you may also.  These ideas may conflict, yet deep beneath those ideas the same intention may be sought, whether of joy and happiness.  Thus, find a unified way to fulfill those deep intentions, so that you both may enjoy the fruits of your labors, in peace, love, and harmony.


Words of truth, that are simple, and warm, are much easier to control, and enjoy, than many words said indirectly in order to avoid hurt.


Enjoy your relationship  :-)

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4 years ago  ::  Apr 08, 2010 - 10:24AM #3
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407

Gatitoplata,

Welcome to the forum - and sorry for the difficulties you are experiencing in your relationship.

You are unhappy with the increasing frequency of disagreements, and perhaps even more unhappy about being blamed for the cause of them. You are quite correct in identifying communication as a key component of how the relationship will go. If things continue as they have, they will only get worse and the relationship itself may be in jeopardy. With improved communication skills, you may be able to get to the bottom of what the real issues are and perhaps be able to move forward in a more positive way.

Please realize that for many men it is difficult to talk about emotions, especially painful ones, and so this may be more of a challenge for him than for you.

Also please recognize that you cannot change him, only yourself. So if you want him to be a better listener, it is best if you start by being a better listener yourself. You might say that is not fair, and you would probably be right. The question is what you are willing to do to get what you desire - a more loving relationship with fewer conflicts, where thoughts and feelings are shared.

The key to being a good listener is not so much to hear the words that are being said, but to "get" what is underneath them. When he calls you a b***h, he is really expressing some kind of pain he feels and knows no other way of expressing it. Naturally you feel hurt by being called such a thing by someone you care deeply about, and it is also natural to immediately react. Consider another approach - instead of reacting (verbally or non-verbally), try getting what is underneath the words. You might try things like "So there is something you are seeing that is very uncomfortable for you." or "So you don't want to fight either, and don't feel you can do anything about it." In other words, validate where he is coming from first. Then, when things are calmer, express how you are always open to hearing what he is thinking or feeling - and it is not okay to be called things like "b***h."

Again, you cannot force him to be a better communicator - however, if you work on becoming a better one yourself, you may be able to model for him what it looks like. Also, by gently (and firmly)setting a limit on what is okay (and not okay) with you, you are helping to teach him how you are to be treated.

As a final note, understand that conflict is a natural part of any relationship. If a couple never has any, then chances are that one (or both) are not really "showing up" to the other.

I wish you all the best.

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4 years ago  ::  Apr 08, 2010 - 11:48AM #4
rickyvilleza
Posts: 81

Gatitioplata;


May I ask you a question?  You say "we are fighting all the time".


Is there still love and affection between the fighting?  How often do the quarrels occur? Every day?  Couple times a week?


If there is still some loving and affection between the quarrels, then I think your relationship is basically healthy, and the advise given above is great as always.  These are some very insightful, helpful people here.  They have helped me immensely.


On the other hand, if the quarrels are every day or so and no affection at all between them, then I think there is something very troubling going.


Tell us more about what's going on. 


BTW, I have never used the word 'B...h' to any one of my girlfriends, even when the case may have warranted or I was called a name myself.


There is no excuse for that.  Instead, he should have said something like "you're always complaining, and I'm tired of that".  Just as an example.


Best wishes


Ricky

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4 years ago  ::  Apr 08, 2010 - 3:50PM #5
Tolerant Sis
Posts: 4,201

As a relationship progresses, especially if there is increasing responsibility ... such as homemaking or childrearing ... tensions increase on both sides.  


Typically, this is how it works.  The male of the species, faced with such tension, withdraws.  The female of the species harps.  The male resents the harping, the female gets nervy about the silence, and both continue on in the same vein until there is an argument.


One of you has to be the grown-up.  Since he doesn't even recognize it as a problem, it sounds like it has to be you.


Try ignoring the silence or provocation and continue on as before.  It takes two to tango, honey, and he isn't going to dance alone.

First amendment fan since 1793.
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4 years ago  ::  Apr 08, 2010 - 9:13PM #6
Hatman
Posts: 9,634
Gatitoplata-
i tend to agree with Ricky; i'd like to have more information before i offer much advice. 

For example, HOW do you fight, and what do you fight ABOUT?

Has "winning" the argument become more important than the truth?(or kindness, for that matter; one of my former pastors would often ask us to consider "would you rather be right, or happy?")

Or maybe reflecting on why(or better yet, asking him directly) he thinks you're a b***h, though that may better be a subject left alone, as if he tells you the truth, it's not likely to end well.  IME, if you put your attention and energy on what you DON'T want, you'll get even more of it.

In the meantime, you may enjoy this tongue-in-cheek article, which, while also funny, has some genuine and valuable insights worthy of contemplating:

www.nytimes.com/2006/06/25/fashion/25lov...

Warmest regards-

Hatman
"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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4 years ago  ::  Apr 09, 2010 - 12:08PM #7
appy20
Posts: 10,165

I don't think you should stand being called "female dog."  I have never had an argument with a guy that got that nasty.  Hopefully, you aren't calling him similar names.  If both of you get this ugly, you should try some therapy. If he is the only one using such language, you should walk.  That would not have been a relationship I would have tolerated nor would have grieved over losing.

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4 years ago  ::  May 07, 2010 - 2:50PM #8
withfearandtrembling
Posts: 138

Personally, I would make it a policy not to date a guy who called me a bitch.

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4 years ago  ::  May 10, 2010 - 2:20PM #9
rickyvilleza
Posts: 81

I'm with you withfear.  No excuse for a guy to call his girl a b...h, even if she gives him some reason to do so.


On the other hand, if it was a really, really heated situation and she was 'on his butt' and he did it only once and never again, then maybe I would give it a pass.


But name calling is a form of violence, albeit verbal assault.


Calling your mate a b...h especially if you have not been assaulted yourself with insults is a very bad sign and indication of narcissism and immaturity.


STAY AWAY!!!!

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4 years ago  ::  May 14, 2010 - 4:41PM #10
Uniquesingle
Posts: 6

After reading all/most of the replies I have to say that many people have good points.


I have a few suggestions.


For his calling you a b****: Confront him with his verbal assault and name calling, and tell him that it is a bad habit, that it is unacceptable and that it needs to change. Give him some time to change, but keep the pressure on. If he has repeatedly done so, call the police and have him charged with verbal assault. No hints, just do it, and if you can't yourself, have a friend close at hand to do that for/with you. Bible clearly points out that you confront and forgive someone 4 times. If they still have not changed, drop serious consequences (like - by by jerk) and offer no forgiveness. This is harsh, but this concept has saved me from physical parental abuse, and putting up with a bully of a brother, who used me to feed his image, and manipulated me into feeding his life with rediculous arrangements (a product of ego) that were unfair to me, but highly beneficial to him.


As for the rest, if you are doing your part practically in the relationship than he is the problem, if you aren't, than you must do things for him like make coffee in the morning, cook dinner, etc. etc. If you are doing your part practically than he is the problem, and perhaps you are upset because he isn't doing his part?

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